...I mean, I'm still wearing my old maternity clothes! It stinks being poor! :)

Financial issues are a big reason for relationship issues.

I used to be a spender although I had the income and credit to be able to do it without negatively impacting my financial situation (other than going into debt which wasn't anything I couldn't handle). I realized though that I should be able to save for my future as well as not pay interest to any one. So I changed my habits and have worked hard to save for my retirement as well as get rid of debt.

When I started dating my fiancee, I knew he was a saver so it also helped me want to save money. Even though we both make good money, we still try to cut down our expenses. We got rid of our cable. We eat out less often. We monitor our expenses and get rid of things that are unnecessary. We save money for the big things and don't mind cutting out the small things.

One thing you can try talking to your fiancee. Has he thought about the future? Would he like to have a stable retirement? Would he like to own a house? (if you guys don't own one) Would he like to go on a vacation somewhere? If he keeps piddling away money on small things, you'll never have money for the big things.

HappyHousewife, only you can decide if this is something you can live with or not. I know it has been very hard for me. I had thought of divorce more than once. Then I got sick and knew that I needed him to support the family since I was unable to work at all. I hate being so controlling, and yes there is a lot of guilt on my part. But, taking over the finanaces was the only thing I could do to keep our bills paid and food on the table. I give my DH $150.00 every Thursday to last him the week. I also pack most of his lunches. If he spends all his money, he has no more for the week. He is still terrible with it, and most times he is broke by Saturday. He thinks nothing of wasting $100.00 on scratch off lotto tickets. This week we were both broke. It was his birthday and I bought him new tires for his Jeep which were $650.00, but he needed them badly. We had $140.00 between the two of us for gas, food, household supplies for the week. I know how to pinch a penny when I have to and only spent $60.00 this week at the grocery store. It made my "dieting" difficult because I eat Low Carb and meat is expensive.
He is driving me crazy right now, constantly looking at motorcycles on the internet. There is no way we can afford another payment. His mother makes the situation worse by giving him money if he asks for it, instead of making him live on what he has.

As Wanda Sykes had said, my DH's idea of saving for retirement is the "Powerball".

:lol: Lily I just love your posts! :hug:

Well happy housewife I do think it is great you are seieng this kind of stuff now rather than later. However since there is a child involved I think it is worth getting some counseling. But, one thing I have realized from my last marriage and the divorce that ensued, it takes two people to want to work thru things and get help. If he isn't game and after a big discussion he doesn't see it your way and is not able to offer solutions. Splitsville might be the only place to go!

Wow. That's a tough one. And you have every right to be upset. But there is no doubt about it money issues are absolutely a relationship breaker. It is without a doubt one of the biggest issues in my marriage and we're married for over 20 years and all I can tell you is this, it doesn't get any easier. There are very, very, very few men in the world who are capable of change and he doesn't even seem willing to try. Only you can decide for yourself if you can deal with this. Counseling is definitely a good bet......if he's willing. You need to nip this in the bud NOW or things don't bode very well for your financial future. I really hope things work out for you.

I really am sorry for your situation. It's hard to make that choice sometimes. However, if he doesn't see things your way...simply tell him like it is.

"I'm going back to work because I'm sick of the financial stress you are causing your family. Gotta problem? There's the door."

I know you don't want to mother him and that you feel like he does deserve his spending here and there. But, dammit, men are big babies and if he contiually puts stress on his family's bank account by making an 8 dollar debit into a 48 dollar debit then he DOESN'T deserve the priviliges of having his debit card. Put your foot down and take it from him. If he doesn't like it, then tell him tough sh*t.

Also, be honest! Tell him that you are at your wits end, that you don't WANT to be in maternity clothes any more, and that you are considering leaving. I had to do that. I dearly, dearly, DEARLY love my fiance. He is my world. But he was bringing home no money and we were stuggling bad. I was working overtime out the butt and he was only working 20-30 hours. I finally had to tell him that I couldn't live being stressed out all the damn time and that our wedding would be called off if he didn't get off his lazy butt and get a second job and that I was going to move out.

He has two jobs now.:D

Ally

Thank god I am not alone on this one!!! My bf is SO SO bad with money sometimes, but the second I leave ( I went away for 5 weeks) he gets all good, makes his lunch, eats at home (saves 30-50 a day!), pays all the bills, has extra spending money coming outta the butt. The second I returned, money problems again.. which I do NOT get because we had more money coming in.

Two accounts REALLY help.. thats what we've started to do. Also he's finally realized the importance of investing in our future, so we make sure we contribute to RRSP's (like a 401K I believe). Do what you need to.. even if it means treating him like a child. Money stress is the WORST kind!

-Aimee

Yay!!!! It sounds to me like he needs to get a grip on his money, and realize just what he spends in a week! My DH had a serious spending problem, and it drove me to tears on more then several occasions because bills were late, credit cards companies phoned, etc.. it got REALLY bad! So I sat him down one night and said "How old are you? (at the time he was 32), Why is it that I feel like I have to babysit you and give you an allowence because you can't control your spending habits? Do you think money grows on trees??" I gave him an ultimatium...I know that sounds bad, but I knew it would be disasterous if I didn't... I said I would be leaving the house until he got control of his spending habits, and prove to me that he's gotten in control of it... and if he never did or didn't attempt to, then I would assume that it was either get his spending habits under control and have a relationship or lose money and me at the same time! He's become ALOT better with money...I wish you luck, and GET IT FIXED BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks you guys! I almost got out of my chair and went into the living room and said "Look here buster! This is how it's gonna be!" :lol:

Seriously, thanks for the good advice. I know you guys are right. I need to nip it in the bud before we're married.

Actually, this has all got me to thinking...
Perhaps I should tell him "I" want an allowance. $20/week for everything I do around the house and taking care of the baby I deserve it. :)

If I let HIM deal with the bills, he can ruin his own good name, instead of mine. (That seems like a cruel thing to think about though). He's never had to write checks (in fact is afraid to) because he's never had to.

Then again, if I do that..he may neglect the bills altogether and our lights will be shut off. Basically, I'm afraid of repercussions of making him take responsibility. I also think he might resent me for it.

Any thoughts?? :dizzy:

I think he needs to learn a valuable lesson! Maybe learning the hard way...like having no lights, etc... is what needs to happen to set him straight, you shouldn't take on that responsibility by yourself, that's not fair!! He needs to grow up and take responsibility, not only for himself, but if he wants a future with you, he needs to be a responsible MAN! End of story!
Question: Did his parents buy him everything as a kid, or set no bounderies for him? My DH parents were like that, and that's why my hubby had no idea how to handle money because he never had to, his parents always did it for him, or he'd just ask them for money when he was in trouble... NOT COOL! Meanwhile, I grew up knowing the value of money, and my parents gave us an allowence and learned at a very early age how to save, I don't buy things just for the sake of buying them....unlike my hubby...

Well, there you go. Express that you want the occasional something for all that you do. And then gather everything together. The check book. The bills. And just..lay it out in front of him before you start your "look here, buster." speech that he deserves. Handing over the responsability of bills could teach you both a lesson. It might teach him how to better value the spending and it can also teach you how to trust him. Accepting all reprecussions in order to avoid disaster just causes more stress on you, which leads to feelings of resentment, which then leads to losing interest in your relationship.

Just..be sure to remind him in what ever way you deem fit to make sure the he has updated the check book or balanced online to avoid forgotten 2 dollars and change.

This is exactly what worked for me. I didn't want to have to deal with treating him like a child for the rest of our marriage, I told him that when we had the first discussion. "You may resent me for this now but I am doing this because I respect you and don't want to lose respect for you, which is what will happen if things go on the way they are." I'm NOT saying this will work for everyone or that it's wrong to give him an allowance as others have done, but for me, the idea of that was something I just couldn't stand.

It's not cruel to make him stand on his own two feet; what would he be doing if you weren't around? If he were on his own, all the bills would be in his name and he'd have to deal with them like an adult, right?

You definitely deserve an allowance and honestly, money should be going into a savings account as well every month just in case something awful happens. Tell him that $20 goes to you and $20 goes to savings out of each check and he is responsible for the rest. If he has spending money left, he can blow it on whatever he wants! If he has no gas money and has to take the bus or walk or bum a ride to work it's his own doing. (One of the things that happened with us the very first week! Be strong and don't bail him out!!)

For us, he didn't know how it all added up, he just figured I'd take care of it, and when suddenly he saw it all it was a big wake up call, which hopefully would happen for you, too.

Trust me, I know how you feel. I was so close to walking out so many times. It really kills you when you see your spouse wasting money and you can't even have one small thing you want because you're trying to be responsible; it's not fair and it's not fun and it can ruin a relationship extremely fast.

My heart is with you, I hope you guys figure something out. If you ever want to talk please feel free to pm me any time.

Let me first start this by saying, I don't have kids and I work outside the home :)

I do all the finances for DF and I because he works longer hours. He also is doing stuff on the side so that he can build his own business in the future. I know you want your DH to have the responsibility of handling the bills and everything but I think that may be the wrong approach to take. If I told my DF that I'd stay home and not work but that he will work and not only that but he'll take care of all the financial issues, he'd look at me crazy. I believe one of the jobs of a SAHM is managing the finances. It may end up with you treating him like he is a child by only giving him cash to deal with but cash may be the way to go. People tend to understand spending money more if they are given cash and don't have a card that will go pull out more cash for them or enable them to make debit charges.

I think it might help both of you if you both moved to a cash only situation for at least the short term. Some people use an envelopes system where they budget for a certain amount of money and put that amount in cash into the envelope for each budget item. Once the money is gone, it is gone so it is best to use that money wisely.

I know others have suggested making him do all the finances but that may eventually just put more strain on both of you. I don't know though, it may work for both of you. I think though that if you work to tightly control the budget, giving him an allowance (which I don't feel is treating him like a child) as well as giving yourself an allowance and if there are any large things either of you want to buy, then both of you have to work that out and work it into your budget.

You definitely deserve to have some money for yourself each payday. I used to always forego my own needs because of his spending. Not anymore. I keep some spending money for myself and feel much less resentful of the situation now. I tried giving my DH all the finanacial responsibility at one time and he failed miserably and it added tremendous stress to our relationship. He actually says that he likes it this way now, with me just giving him his weekly cash. He knows that if he blows it, that he is broke the rest of the week. But, he never has to worry if the bills are paid on time, because I take care of it. I usually pay all the bills the first week of the month. Put the checkbook up and we both live on cash the rest of the month. His job allows for unlimited overtime and if we have an unforeseen expense, he'll volunteer for overtime and make extra to cover the expense. We no longer fight about money at all.

One thing about ultimatums....be prepared to follow through with whatever you say you will do. Otherwise, it will be a useless, empty threat.