First "boyfriend" what age?
 

My 14 yr. old DD is now calling a 14 yr. old boy, her boyfriend. My DH is very worried about this. The boy calls constantly and she is totally smitten. I was curious as to what age the other ladies on here had a first boyfriend. What types of things were you allowed to do together at such a young age? She knows that she can't date until at least 16. She sees the boy at school and at church on Wednesday nights. She isn't allowed to go in a car with him, even with his parents driving. Last Friday she tried to pull one over on me. She said that Erin's (BF) mom called and wanted to know if she could start babysitting his little sister that is 18 months old on Friday nights. I told her she could babysit at our house, not at Erin's house. She busted up laughing. I told her that "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck". She wants me and DH to get to know Erin. I may include him to go to a movie or have dinner with us sometime. Her confidence has sure soared since meeting this boy. She is taking more interest now in her clothes and her hair. Needless to say, her dad and big brother aren't tickled with her having a boyfriend at all.

Well I was 16 and it got way too serious way too soon. Wound up pregnant at 17 and married at 18!

I think that is great about her confidence. Just keep it in check. Don't allow them to be alone together. If you get too restrictive she might just rebel and sneak around. Allow him to come and visit maybe once a wek at your house and have dinner. Any "dates" have to be chaparoned!! Good luck hun! I am here if ya need me. My eldest is 13.5 and not interested in anyone thank goodness!!

My first real one was 16. It was stupid, we dated like a month and he was using me. When he found out I wouldnt have sex with him he broke up with me.

Later that year, still 16 I started dating a guy named Kevin. We dated for pretty much two years.

Well, I had a very disasterous first boyfriend at 13...lost my virginity, not so much against my will, but was coerced into it...thought I was pregnant...was in way over my head, humiliated and didn't have another boyfriend until I was 17. Boys scared me after that. Still to this day, at 40, my sexuality has been effected by it in negative ways...even with my husband. I still feel "bad" about it...like I'm not supposed to be doing it. So, I'm all for girls not having boyfriends until they are, like, out of college...but I know that's not realistic, either.

My husband has bribed my daughter with $100 if she can remain boyfriend-free until she's 15. Then it will be highly consequential (if that's the word I"m looking for...) and limited and supervised, etc, etc.... I think dating when in high school can be a great confidence booster if it's balanced properly with other teenage things. Like, if she's become obsessed with the boy and not going to do things with girlfriends or letting her schoolwork slack because of him, then she'd need to be talked to and shone 'bright shiney things' (not really jewelry, just distractions) to take her mind off him a little bit.

Anyhow...all things are good in moderation...and SUPERVISION. The main problem with a boyfriend is it puts the girl in a situation where she's being pulled one way by the boyfriend to try and score 'alone time' with her, whereas she's being pulled by the parents to behave and NOT be alone with the boy, which puts her in a position to lie to her parents if the boy pulls harder. Know what I mean?

Good luck to you...

I agree with the chaperone "dates" . I to got too serious too quick and by 19 had 2 kids and a very destructive relationship. Also if you get too strict she will go the other way (I did). Maybe let him come over to visit her and got to the movies with a group of friends or with you and hubby a few rows back.

She does complain that I "don't trust her". I explain that it is my job as her mother to keep her safe and secure. She absolutely won't be going on any dates without me or DH there to chaperone. I'm actually thinking of letting her have him over to rent movies and have dinner this weekend. I'm curious to see how they act around each other. She will, of course, have to help clean house prior to his visit and they will have to stay in the living room with me and DH present.

Lilly: You could tell her its not HER you don't trust, it's HIM. Or you don't trust his newly-found testosterone levels!! It's not so much the boys or the girls I don't trust in these situations, but their hormones that give them such an urge to be alone.

Thing is...and I get a TON of weird looks on this perception...but I explained things like this to my daughter. Up till about a hundred years ago, girls and boys got married when they were in their mid teens. We're genetically bred to be reproducing shortly after puberty! Not much different than when it gets cold outside, we start to eat a lot so our bodies can survive winters with a little extra fat. When we get to be about 15 or so, our bodies start with subliminal messages..."MUST....FIND....MATE....!!" BUT, in our society, today, it's not really smart to get married until we're at least in our early 20's and hopefully after we've gotten a college degree...but we are still dealing with those hormones making us crave the opposite sex (or the same sex :o in some cases...not that there's anything WRONG with that...) and what we get are teenage pregnancies...cat fights amongst girls after the same boy...boys coercing girls to do things they shouldn't be doing...girls lying to their parents so they can be alone with the boys. I remember that powerful feeling when I was young. It's menacing to say the least!! And over bearing!

That's why its good to keep your kids involved in extra curricular activities as the 'bright shiney thing' so that they're, hopefully, too busy to be bothered with boyfriends. And the same goes for boys, too. ;)

I was not allowed to date until age 16, so that's when I had my first boyfriend. I was only allowed to go out on dates every other week, but found too many opportunities to be alone with him anyway. Best thing my parents ever did was move the family the next summer. Who knows where I may have ended up if we had stayed there.

My son has a "girlfriend" who he asked to "go out" which consists of...nothing. I think they might sit together at lunch. I'm enjoying this time while I can, though. I'm also reminded to get my little girl interested in sports now so that boys will not be as important in junior high.

I think you are right on track with chaperoning activities and limiting contact. Try to foster her other interests as much as you can.

Great Idea Lily! Other activities sounds good too. Have you thought about putting her on the pill? I would make up some crap about her period needing to be more regular to have her do it. That way if she does manage to goof up at least she won't have a baby to take care of as well.

Techwife, I can see I was born in the wrong era!! I had a very serious boyfriend at 13 and my mom probably trusted me too much. I couldn't date until high school and after 2 yr of dating we broke up. He was very smart and I think he knew that breaking up was necessary to remain pure even though we were not Christians. We dated off and on for 5 yr. but he was a college guy with college habits I didn't like....drinking, smoking, etc. I think because I was so young when I started dating that I was eager to get married when I was 18. I started going with my dh....we'd been friends a long time....and married at 20. We've been married 37 yr. and have 10 kids. We have not let our kids date before 16 but that doesn't mean that everythng turns out rosie. We love them all very much even with the mistakes they have made. Interestingly enough, 3 guys that I dated became doctors and the first one is a child psychiatrist! My hubby is a veterinarian. I agree also with Techwife that my sexuality has been affected by dating too young.

I think it's a great idea to have them at your house. My daughter will be 17 on Thurday and she's been seeing the same guy since she was 15 1/2, which is a rarity that it lasts so long and they know that they are ALWAYS welcome at my house and I try to make it as comfortable as possible for them so that they will always want to be where I can see them.

But most of my daughters friends are in and out of "relationships" so quickly that there really is no need to panic, it will probably be over quickly, which is also a problem because you don't want her getting hurt. But they mend very quickly at this age. I've also found that the more you say no, the more they want to do something. I really save nos for the big things and try not to sweat the little stuff, ya know picking and choosing your battles.

I am also so blunt with my daughters, I have 3 ages 14, almost 17 and almost 19. I've told them that there's 3 things a guy wants - sex, sex and more sex. I've told them that they have to be the strong ones because guys have a really strong sex drive. I've also told them don't do ANYTHING now that will make you cringe later. I also try to build up their self-confidence so that they won't need it from boys.

But it sounds like you've got it under control by setting your ground rules about chaperoning and having him over your house. Try not to freak out about things so that she will be more willing to tell you stuff. But she must know that lying is totally unacceptable.

Good luck!!

I think you and your DH are right to be worried. I had my first boyfriend when I was 14 and it wasn't a great experience. We mainly talked on the phone, met at the library, and played tennis. We spent time alone at each others' houses twice I think. He was also 14 so neither of us drove and all of those activities sound pretty harmless so my parents weren't worried about us. But he still found plenty of opportunities to pressure me to have sex (mostly at the library and when we played tennis, times when I'm sure my parents throught I was completely safe) and ended up assaulting me, at which point I luckily had the presence of mind to break it off (although I didn't tell anyone about it for years and years). I agree with the others that you can't forbid her to see him but I would definitely insist on chaperones and I would have a talk with her about saying no to things she isn't comfortable with. Although it is uncomfortable, to the extent that you can get her to talk about what they are doing sexually--kissing, more than kissing, etc. and whether or not she is comfortable with it--I think that would also be a good conversation to have. Looking back, I wish my mom had been a little better at this. At the time, I'm sure I would have resisted at first but ultimately I think it would have been a big relief to talk with my mom about what we were doing.

I was an early starter, I had a boyfriend at the age of 6/7. I remember kissing him but he moved away. I then had various boyfriends from then on. We never did anything more serious than a kiss here or there. My mom would let me hang out unsupervised although I remember being nervous when inviting a boy to my home to pick up something and my mom wasn't there. I remember not wanting to close the door because I didn't want my mom thinking I was having boys over when she wasn't there.

I think she is too young to be on the pill but will consider this when she is 16 and allowed to actuallly date a boy. A good thing is that none of her friends are allowed to date now either, so no sneaking around. If she stays the night at a friends house, I take her there and always go inside and talk to the parents. If she goes to movies, church, school functions or whatever, I go too. She has one friend that is allowed to stay over at our house, but she can't go to the other girls house, because her parents go partying and leave them alone.( This happened one time and Lacy called me to come pick her up). I am really glad now that I worked while Lacy was very young and stay home now that she's a teen. She needs my guidance now more than ever.

If memory serves me correctly, I had my first BF at age 15 and wasn't allowed to date until 16. My sisters were very promiscuous and had babies by the ages of 17 and 18, but I had my first baby at age 25. Basically, I learned from their behavior, what I didn't want to happen to me.

I had "boyfriends" as far back as 4th grade. Of course, in 4th grade, there were no "dates," but I do recall the occasional couple kissing on the playground during recess as early as 3rd grade :o By the time I was in 6th grade (11 years old), I knew girls who had already lost their virginity.

The first boyfriend my parents ever knew about was in 6th grade. We were innocent--held hands, sat together at lunch, hung out in the halls before class together, etc. He even bought me a bracelet (nothing extravagant--something with plastic beads). My parents never met him, and the most intimate we ever got was slow dancing at a school dance :p

The next boyfriend came when I was 16 (he was 17; neither of us drove yet). My parents did let me go out with him when his parents drove, but it also wasn't just the 2 of us--it was a group thing to an amausement park. We did go on a "date" once. His parents drove us to the movies, and my parents picked us up afterwards. In retrospect, maybe this was a bit too trusting on our parents' part, but nothing happened.

I would probably be a lot more worried if he were a lot older than your daughter, but I definitely think meeting him, regardless of age, is a good idea. I think young relationships depend on a lot of things. For example, I grew up in a really small town, and when I was once crying a school dance in middle school, my mother found out because my older cousin's buddy was the DJ and recognized me. Talk about no privacy :dizzy: So I wasn't about to do ANYthing even slightly off the beaten path for fear the whole town would hear about it in about 10 minutes.