a little friend advice, please?
 

okay, here's the deal...

i've got a group of friends, and we've been friends for a few years now. there's four of us, although lately, it's been more like 3 of us, with an occasional visitor.

the fourth girl started a long-distance relationship sometime around march or april of this year... and not too long after that, they got engaged. before him, she was part of our gaming group, which meets between 1 and 3 times/week, depending on schedules and desires... we'd group up and go to movies with other friends and family in tow, she and i would go to lunch together, or make plans to work out together after work... we'd go shopping together on the weekends... and of course, she asked the 3 of us to be in her wedding.

but since she hooked up with this guy, they've determined that they HAVE to talk on the phone, every night, at 9 o'clock. period. so we'd be in the middle of game, and she'd get a phone call and basically abandon the game, or decide that she had to go home so she could talk to him. she won't go to a movie with us, because we usually go in the evenings, which means she might still be in the movie at 9. and weekends are out, because she's either gone up north to see him, or he's down here to see her.

now, i'm the type of person who gets VERY annoyed when someone makes plans with me, and then spends half the time on the phone talking to their SO. maybe that makes me selfish, but IMO, if you want to spend time with me, then you should be focusing on me. if you want to spend time with your SO, then go spend time with them, and leave me alone so i can find my own things to do. there's nothing more annoying to me, than pausing a game, or halting a movie, just so i can sit there and listen to half of a conversation. it's just rude.

so anyway... at this point, i'm frustrated, and i'm hardly even interested in being in the wedding anymore. i feel like i'm being totally taken for granted. i've tried to talk to her, but she always just shrugs it off, and laughs, like we're all just over-reacting. either that, or she says that when she moves up north, it'll be better, since she'll get to see him all the time... but by that time, i'll hardly feel motivated to drive up there, or to buy a ticket to go and visit. so i'm considering sending her an email... i figure maybe if she sees it in print, it'll get the point across a little better.

is this a reasonable approach?
what would you do, in this situation?

i tend to be a very non-confrontational type of person, but i just feel like it's gone too far, and i know i'm not the only one in my group who feels that way... but we figure i've got the best chance of getting through to her. (i often find myself being the "voice of reason" for our group... which is rather ironic. :p)

People often do silly things when they are in love. He's all she can think about right now. If I had accepted to be in the wedding I'd follow through. I'd give her some time and see if things change once she's married. If she will still have time for you and your group of friends. I dont' blame you a bit for not wanting to stop the game or movie to wait for her to talk to the BF. I've had similar situations and I didn't appreciate it either. Anyway, I'd back off and see where it goes. Don't invite her to things for right now and see how she feels about being left out. Maybe that will help her to realize what she's doing to the friendship. Just my 2 cents worth.

Ditto.

I find it extremely annoying when I'm hanging out with someone and they leave to chat on the phone for awhile. (I mean have a real conversation, not merely call in to check up on someone or something of that nature.)

I would merely start pulling away from her. Stop hanging out with her if you know she is going to be on the phone with her Fiance. If she asks why you don't hang out anymore, be honest about it.

I can understand that when you start a new relationship or marriage, your life might be different. You're probably not going to spend as much time with your friends as you did before. Having said that, this is not an excuse to make your friends work around your schedule all the time.

I completely agree that it's annoying. Although, in the past I've been the one doing these types of things. I was in a LD relationship with my now DH in university, and I neglected my friends quite a bit because of it. It IS hard, because you miss the person so much, but you are right that when she is with you, she should focus on YOU. I was in this relationship starting 2nd year, and after a while I learned that I couldn't give up my friends because of him. I started going out again, not making the timing of the phone call my priority (although we still did speak daily)...unfortunately I didn't learn this until close to the end of the 3rd year. I'm thankful I didn't lose my friends.

I would send her an email, try to be supportive despite your feelings....it will probably come across better and may mean more to her. If you tell her you miss her and want quality time, while you understand how important her relationship is to her...that would probably work best. I agree with lilybelle too, I think I'd probably go through with being in the wedding if you already agreed to. Good luck, hope it works out!

I know it is hard but I can understand where she is coming from, somewhat. My DF and I were in a LDR for a few months with a 2 hour time difference. It was hard. We talked every night on the phone but I'd still go out and do things with my friends. Some nights would be a quick conversation "good night, I'll talk to you tomorrow" since he usually would be heading to bed if I stayed out too late. Other nights would be hours and hours of talking but that was when I wasn't out.

I think your friend does need to learn how to balance your BF and her friends. Although I think things do change a bit once you are together and can see eachother more often.

thanks, all, for the advice...

i think i'll give it a little time, and then maybe email her something a little more on the gentle side.

i DO understand the LD thing... that's how my hubby and i started out, and we actually had it worse, because he lived here, and i lived in west virginia at the time. her fiance is at least within driving distance. :p so, she's figured out that those excuses don't work with me... but she's got others to dish out. meh.

it's prolly been 2-3 months since we really did anything, 'cept we spent about 20-30 minutes walking her dog last week. so i'll continue with what i'm doing, and just stop trying to email her to make plans, and see what happens...

here's hoping...

You're not her priority right now - her fiance is. She couldn't make it any clearer, and I can't hardly blame her - if I had to have a long distance relationship with my husband, then I would drop everything to talk to him too. I'm assuming they are calling at 9 because it is free after 9pm for most cell phones anymore.... Which it is understandable that they don't want to rack up a huge phone bill.
I would just leave her alone and she will come around on her own; right now she has many things to plan and think through. Most importantly, she is not marrying you and is putting her energy into her most important relationship.

Can you find something that really annoys your friend to do when ever the two of you are together? Maybe then, she will rethink the 9pm phone call. In my opinion if her fiance and herself can't switch the timing of their phone call once a week I think they don't value your friendships that much. (Tell your friend you can't do her wedding since it is going to be the time your hubby calls you! :D ) Maybe she will get the hint.

mom2cole: *LOL* we've all tried to come up with SOMEthing to demonstrate our side of it... but so far, nothing comes to mind... except acting like her mother, but her mother drives us ALL crazy, so that wouldn't really work. :p

i figure i'll still do the wedding, since i did commit to it, but aside from that, i'm going to stop going out of my way to arrange to spend time with her. it's just no fun, when it's one-sided.

Buckettgirl: we're not asking her to drop him, for us... but i don't think it's unreasonable to ask that she not be rude, when spending time with us. if you want to spend time with someone, then that's who you should be focusing on at that time, instead of trying to juggle the current activity -and- a phone call... besides that, they email each other, and talk online all day (she works from home), so it's not like she'd be neglecting him. i think one evening a month, or even a week, is not too much to ask. that's exactly why people find themselves alone, when a relationship goes sour... they put everything into the relationship, and neglected their friendships. it's just not healthy, IMO... but to each their own.

Wow. I could have written your post. I have a friend like that - drops the girfriends when a guy is around. It wouldn't be hard for her to wait an hour and call him later! And it is no fun when it is one sided. What do your other friends think?
Personally, I wouldn't bother telling her. She'll just feel resentful and weird around you. I think you're on the right track spending time with other people. It's what I've had to do too. Once the newness of the relationship wears off I'm not sure how eager I'm going to be to have my buddy back though!

(((((hugs))))

Pia

Pia: aww... thanks for the hugs. :D :hug:

well, the other two girls in our group seem to feel the same way... they're reluctant to say anything, because hmmm... i'll just give them initials, and explain it here.

N is a gradstudent/fledgeling therapist, so N figures that A will just shrug it off as an attempt to analyze her, because that tends to be her general response to any sort of "advice" from N.

and R has been friends with A for a bit longer, but A tends to shrug off her complaints as just being whiny.

this is why i say, i tend to be the voice of reason for our group... and not just in regards to A. *lol* but this time, i just wasn't sure if it was worth it to say anything to her, because she's so far gone, as it is... it seems i was right, in not immediately sending some sort of email or communication. we'll just carry on as normal, and then see what happens once A. moves closer to her fiance... i'm not gonna let it worry me, anymore. :)