Rant alert! This may get a little long.

Ok, to begin, my best friend of almost ten years has been with her boyfriend for a little over three years. It is her brother’s best friend so they’ve known each other for about 12-13 years. The first year was great. He’d take her out all the time, celebrate special occasions with a night out in Philly, etc. They seemed happy.

But for the last year and a half, things have gone down the drain. The boyfriend bought a house a while back. My friend, though she did not live there, spent every weekend for a year fixing the place up (cutting down trees, chipping them up, tearing out stumps, fixing the lawn, painting, etc.) After a while she got frustrated with the whole thing. All she did was go to work, come home, eat, and work on the house (remind you she did not live there). She’d complain that she felt old and worn out. They were usually in bed by 10, rarely went out and when they did the boyfriend just wanted to get home and work. She stopped hanging with her friends. Though she was tired off it, she let it go on.

Finally, about 6 months ago, the boyfriend “officially” asked her to move in. They set up a joint account and he put her on his car insurance. It has been 6 months and the only thing she’s moved out there has been her clothes, shoes, and tooth brush. Everything else remains at her mother’s and that is where she spends most of her time (even though she tells everyone she’s living with the boyfriend). She does every thing at her mother’s not at “her house”. She pays some of the bills at his house even though she’s rarely there using the services.

Recently, about the middle of September, she tells me the boyfriend has sold the house out from under her. He never consulted her, just said the house is on the market. All her hard work is going to be enjoyed by someone else. Of course that peeved her off. We sat down one night and she basically told me she wasn’t happy, she missed her friends, and she felt like nothing, like her opinion didn’t count. She also said that when she asked where would they go if the house was sold, the boyfriend replied that he’d rent an apartment and she could move back in with her mother (I’m sorry but that right there is a red flag for me. Why wouldn’t she move to the apartment with him?) I told her that for the last year and a half she just hasn’t seemed happy. Anytime the boyfriend is around or calls she gets angry. The littlest things set her off. They punch each other. She is no longer herself. She’s gained about 60 lbs. My boyfriend and I can’t stand to be around the two of them because it is just so god awful uncomfortable. They are pretty much affectionless. They don’t touch; hold hands, kiss, etc. They walk about a foot apart. I told her I missed her. I missed hanging out with just her. I hated how she had to include the boyfriend in everything. He is either with us, on the phone, or we’re meeting up with him later. We couldn’t have a night just for the two of us. I felt she was no longer an individual. Honestly, I don’t know who she is anymore. Every move she makes revolves around the boyfriend. We can’t make plans with out first checking out what he wants to do. I also told her I was sick of not having my calls returned and not hearing from her for two weeks straight. For the love of god we live 5 minutes apart! Also sick of having our plans broken for the boyfriend. After hearing all this she cried and said things were going to change. Ok. We hung out three days that week and then back to the usual. Go figure.

And as a side note: she’s been exchanging flirty emails with a 40-year-old guy at work (she’s 21). She brags all the time about him and how much she likes to flirt. He hits on her hard. Tells me if she were single things would happen with him. She’s even printed up the emails and read them to me. I hear more about the guy at work then the boyfriend (whole thing a red flag).

Then last Friday, she came to pick me up and she looked depressed. When asked she tells me that she’s been thinking of leaving the boyfriend. It has been weighing on her mind for the last week. Basically said she isn’t happy (shocker), hasn’t been happy for a while, she wants to move on, get out there and date. She wants more, like real affection, and the boyfriend isn’t giving it. For him life is work and money. He is always thinking of how he can make a profit. Forget friends and having a good time. Laments the fact she’s 21 and has no life. She’s jealous of what my boyfriend and I have (we get out, kiss in public, cuddle, basically show that we love each other, and he respects me). I then find out the reason she hasn’t completely moved out to the boyfriend’s house is because every time she asks when are they going to get a moving van the boyfriend puts it off and tells her they’ll do it next weekend (red flag). Ten people have told her that they don’t understand how she’s stayed with him for three years. How she’s put up with the BS. Her own brother (the boyfriend’s best friend) even said she doesn’t look happy and maybe she should break it off. A complete stranger told her to get out and move on (that should tell you something right there). By the end of the night she promised that no matter what she was moving out of his house. And if he wanted to work on it, she’d work on it from her mother’s house. Let him earn her back. No matter what he said or did, she was moving out. Good for her. Take control. Be independent. Show him that you aren’t a doormat. So we get back to her mother’s house and I suggest we get her things now. Get her settled in, leave a message or something saying that she needs to talk to him. She tells me no. She just can’t leave, that would be rude. Ok, whatever. Tells me that she’ll sleep there and Sunday when he’s home they’ll talk about it and no matter what she’s moving out. Spectacular. I said don’t flake on this. Stand up for yourself.

I tried to get a hold of her Saturday, Sunday and today. No answer or return call. Finally I get her mother and she tells me “She’s out at her house, probably out on the motorcycle with the boyfriend.” When I heard “her house” I knew she hadn’t moved out. She probably never called me back or answered the phone because she doesn’t want to admit she flaked.

Go figure. I don’t know why I get so frustrated. It’s been like this for years. It sucks though because I have lost my best friend for no good reason. Why is it people change when in relationships? I know I didn’t. When my boyfriend and I started out I told him he wasn’t going to be the center of my world, just a part of it. But she’s pulled a 180 and now no one recognizes her. I don’t understand how she stays when she admits she’s sick of him (She even said the first year was so great because she never saw him). She has a good job, they aren’t married, no kids, has alternate places to stay, is only 21, has her own car, and has other men interested in her. Why stay? I would love to understand but I just can’t. Sorry, but I come from a family of women that are whole unto themselves. Men are not the end all be all. We rather be alone then unhappy. And I don’t know what to say to her anymore. I’ve spilled my guts for the last time. They’ll be good for another month or two, then something will happen and she’ll be on my shoulder crying about how she wants out. At that point I don’t think I’ll be able to refrain from slapping her then screaming how I’m sick of her BS. How can she look a problem straight in the face and not do a thing about it? Anyone else have a friend like this?

I have to say thank you all for listening. I’ve been holding that in for 2 years. Whew…

Wow. I don't usually post over here, so I don't think we've ever made contact.. but I thought I'd give you a little bit of input. First off, 21 is very young and it is very easy to get into a relationship like that and not know how to get out. I know that from firsthand experience.
She knows what she needs to do. She's admitted this to you. And she knows how you feel about it too, which is important to your friendship.
All you can do is decide if your ten year friendship is worth continuing or not. It's hard, I actually had to cut out of my life a friend who I just couldn't support anymore - it just was such an energy drain and too painful to watch. Maybe it seems selfish but I just had to stop being around her out of self preservation! It seems like at this point in time, it's just a matter of determining if it's worth it for you or not - and letting her deal with her own problems. She knows what needs to be done, maybe she just needs someone to give her the courage to do it?
Good luck to you.

Um.... Affectionately, like on the arm? Or...?

She sounds so beaten down she can't just leave. BUT SHE SHOULD! But you know that. She needs to get up the backbone and sense of self-preservation to get the heck out of there!!!

Speaking as soneone who was in a very negative harmful relationship for 3 years, one of the big things that made it tolerable for me was for me to vent to my friends. It took the edge off when I could complain and be all pitiful or angry and bitter (pathetic but true.)

I think if you say something like "I love you, I care about your well-being, and I know you know I believe you need to end this. I've told you all my suggestions and opinions... now it's up to you. I don't want to talk about him anymore please."

Seems harsh, but if my friends had done that to me, all my stress would have built up and I would have had more clarity to see it for what it was. A soul-sucking dead end that made me more miserable day by day.

Just IMHO. I hope she leaves him. Good luck!

JMHO, but it seems to me , he's trying to get rid of her. This may be why she is clinging so tightly. My only advice would be to back off, don't call her and wait and see what happens. When this all ends, she'll need a shoulder to lean on. If you still value the friendship after all this, then be there for her when she really needs you.
My sister was in a relationship that seemed so unhappy and no matter how many times she came crying to us, she'd never leave. It didn't matter what we said. They just celebrated there 25th Anniversary, I conceded, it's her life, not mine.

i had this situation with one of my SILs... she and i were actually pretty good friends, but then she decided to dump her good boyfriend because he wasn't ready to propose (he was trying to get himself in shape to join the coast guard so he could actually support a wife and family ), and then she hooked up with her current boyfriend.

UGH!

he totally controls her. has PUT her on a diet, and wrote up a workout regimen for her (even though he could stand to lose more weight than her ). he tells her how to dress, he supervised as she cleaned her room (and told her what to keep, and what to throw away). it's crazy! she used to be very involved with her family and friends, but now it's like pulling teeth to get her to show up at a family gathering, and even then she only stays for a little bit (and usually, only if the BF is there with her). forget about her friends, she did a great job of alienating them... now it's just his friends, if even that.

anyway... before i rant even more about them...

basically, i had to cut all emotional ties to her, because it was just too upsetting. the negative energy from her, and their relationship, was really getting to me... i'm cordial, on the rare occasions that we're around each other, but i can't let myself get too close, because she's also the type who won't listen to anything we say, if it's something against the BF. sometimes, you just have to sit back and let things take their course. it IS her life, and you can only say or do so much. she has to figure it out on her own.

In response to BerkshireGrl:

It use to start out as playful, then would work up to hard. They've left bruises on each other. Now there is no pretense of playfulness. He punches her in the arms, she'll punch him in the arms, back, and chest.

Example: on my 21st birthday, he was trying to park the car and had to wait for another to go by. My friend freaked and told him to go. He calmly replied that he was waiting. She freaked, yelling "Don't talk to me like that!" BAM! She hauls off and punches him in the chest. Hard enough that he was pushed back in the seat. On another occassion I was standing outside talking to him, she was beside him and for no reason hit him in the chest. It is mostly her hitting him these days.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my short novel of a post Your advice is greatly apperciated. Still haven't heard from her but at this point I'm not making the effort anymore. I can only hope that she comes to her senses and moves on. I would love to say the friendship is worth salvaging but I've been saying it for a year and a half. I try only to have it crumble again. At least I volunteer at the shelter today so I don't have to sit around and think about it.

Thanks again ladies.

Hi,

Everyone has already given you good advice. It's extremely frustrating to be in a friendship with someone who is in a bad relationship. They're so unhappy, but they try to hard to avoid breaking up.

From what I've learned, the more you try to convince someone that they should end a relationship, the harder they try to salvage it. You could write the best Pros and Cons list ever and they would still fight until the bitter end.

Backing off and waiting for her to do some growing up is probably a good idea.