I didn't even finish reading the post because my answer to you is:
If the son and his gf want YOU to attend THEIR wedding, then you should go!
If "mom" has a problem, then it is her problem... you are essentially a step-mother to this son, I assume...and "mom" has to deal with the fact that you are part of her son's life.
She should have enough respect for her son to be civil with WHOEVER shows up to their wedding. If she doesn't, then she will look like the fool - not you.

But yes! GO!:)

The thing is, "everyone else" knows (or think they know) the story, but still want me there anyway. I've been in the picture a long time, so it's not a brand new situation. I've been sympathetic to her situation and have not appeared at any family functions thus far to spare her feelings.

Just because my partner does not have a piece of paper saying he's legally free to be with me does not mean our relationship is not real, or that I should stay away. He has been emotionally divorced from her for a very long time. The legal end is still in motion, and probably will be for awhile due to several things which I will not address here.

And honestly, it doesn't matter if he's legally divorced or not--in her eyes (and others too I imagine) I will always be "the other woman." She will always feel the way she feels about me. There's nothing I can do about it. But I will NOT spend the rest of my life being shamed into the corner because the person I love is in a legal contract with someone else.

By the way, she's also moved on and has a boyfriend.

Jen, Just wanted to send a hug to you! Your SO's son is having to face a LOT of very adult decisions and very rapidly. It is such a tragedy that his B@*!# mother is putting this burden on him. You are showing a lot of class in a very painful and outrageous situation and I am proud of you.

As for what to do, I think your SO's son (in addition to preparing to go into a warzone and becoming a husband) needs to decide if he is ready to royally tick this horrible woman off. Let him know that YOU love him unconditionally, no matter what, and support him as he chooses to do what he feels he must. He will be fighting in other battles very soon, and may just want to let this one go.

Thanks Baby Catcher :)...I've let him know that whatever they decide, I still love them both.

Jen,

I wasn't judging, I just meant that the situation was obviously more complicated than I had initially understood. The fact that your relationship is longstanding and the mother has her own boyfriend really does take it back to where I started. It's hard on these boards to offer useful advice, because too many bits and pieces of the story aren't available.

Ultimately, the engaged couple have to decide what they want, and what they feel is right. They should make their decision based on that, not on emotional blackmail, or an attempt (inevitably futile in any family) to make everyone happy.

All I can think of is, the soon-to-be-ex-wife has a choice...to be Jerry Springer-like and be all "How dare he bring HER to the wedding!" and act embarassed and all that or she can say, "Hey, it's over between me and Jen's SO...let's let by-gones be by-gones and be a good example to the newlyweds".

My daughter's father had a girlfriend at about the time my DD was 2 years old. Honest to god, she was super nice and friendly to me. We got along fabulously...even went to the mall together while DD visited with her father. I'm not saying that you and SO's ex-wife will ever be at this level...but its certainly possible for her to just lighten up and say, "Hey, let's be civil here!"

I knew you weren't judging, Colleen. It is a complicated situation, even after all this time. I knew the issue of SO's son getting married would come up, but I wasn't expecting it to happen YET!

It's funny you say that. My partner told me once that had the situation been different, he could see the two of us being friends. Strange but true!

I hope that she will soon begin to see that this day is about the kids and not about her, and let them make their own decisions as to whom they would like at their wedding.

:hug: From one wicked home wrecker to another ;) I have this to look forward to, my partner's daughter is 21, I haven't been to any family functions, although I have been on the scene 4 years. Col and his wife aren't divorced yet, but have been seperated 5 years. We've both missed her 21st and her graduation (he wasn't invited with or without me). And I made an awful faux pas of buying her a tent (to go away to music festivals in) just when there was a major problem with the mortgage in my partners former home and the house was almost repossessed (of course I knew nothing about this), which made me seem an even more wicked, insensitive b.....!

I love my partner's daughter dearly, and like you, trust that when the time comes we'll find a way to make things work.

I think you are being incredibly serene about it all, and leaving it up to SO's son and his fiancee to make the decision is the mature way to go about it. It think your a role model for me, and I'll remember you when it's my turn!

hi, boy exstended families can really stink! I can speak from exsperiance. I'm about to be married 20 years in Oct. I have 2 daughters he has 4, I had a big hand in raising and loving them. My husband and I loved having this big family even with all ups and downs over the years. I always thought they loved me and recently one of my step daughter did something heartless to us and now I don't get to see of thier babies as a punishment for my husband putting her in line. ( the first time ever in 20 years ). Blood is thicker than water when push comes to shove. If god came down him self and told me this would have happened I never would have believed it. Trust me, not all situations but, most, the ex's are brutal!! No matter how nice you may be. I wasn't the other woman either. My husband and my self were both married before for awhile and have long been together. It's a shame how she is acting, this should be thier day and have who they want not who the parents want or don't want. I just missed my step daughers wedding in April and I cried all day. I wish you all the luck in the world.

bird lady, the "blood is thicker than water" comment holds true 100% of the time. I have been married to my DH for 8 yrs. and it still amazes me sometimes at the things my 4 step-daughters and their mother do to exclude me. My oldest step-daughter did not invite me to her high school graduation. She now gets along well with me and is here way more than at her mothers. The 2nd oldest just got married and I wrote about that ordeal. I was at least invited to the wedding and her graduation. The 3rd step-daughter only comes around to ask for money. ( She's 17 and living on her own). The 4th step-daughter age 14 is very kind to me and we get along great. Had I known how hard it would be to have these step-kids, I think I'd have ran for the hills. I was not the cause of their break-up but the she and the kids will never understand this. We may be together for life, but I'll always be 'the other woman". Usually I just try to suck it up and expect the worst.

I've never been in this situation myself, but my parents were. My dad married young, had three children, and when his ex-wife became psychotic (literally), he ran for the hills and took the children with him. He married my mom several years later. The oldest three visited their biological mother, and had as much of a relationship as possible when the "mom" was behind bars for various things. Unfortunately, they still blamed my mom for their parents divorcing.

My oldest sister got married when I was 5 years old. I remember her biological mom was there, and wore all black because my mom was "allowed" to come to the wedding. We were also not allowed to sit in the front row with the siblings & parents, because we were only half-siblings.

My brother got married for the second time five years ago. His biological mom was invited, and once again threw a fit because my mom was "allowed" to come. Unfortunately, the scenes haven't been limited to just weddings, graduations, etc. I'm afraid it will probably always be that way, for my family and possibly yours as well.

*hugs* Good luck with it. They will remember who behaved like an adult, and who caused problems.

Raises hand, ME! Well not exactly ME but my mom has been in that situation with my step dad. (now passed) But with his daughters. When his youngest daughter got married there was concern, but I suggested my step dad, my mother and my step sisters mother speak to each other about it like adults. So they did. Basically my step sisters mom said she was completely fine with having my mom there and that they will have more future events like that to attend.

I know your situation is very different. But the main thing is communication. I'm not saying that you should go and talk to your SO's son's mom, but maybe if the son really wants you there, maybe he can talk to his mom about it or maybe your boyfriend can. All in all it is up to the son and the soon to be daughter-in-law and what they want as it is their day.

Also I was in the situation of your SO's son. As you can see, my parents are divorced. So when we got married it was an issue too. Because I am not close at all with my Biological Father, never really have been. So I wanted my step dad to be the one to "give me away" just because I was closer with him. But I was totally up for my Bio. father being there and even participating in someway. When we talked to my biological father about it, he basically told us he wouldn't be there and explained that he knew it was my day and that he wouldn't want to do anything to "ruin it" for me. Well at least he was honest about it.

So he didn't come to my wedding, but I was okay with it as we had discussed it.

So whatever the situation, I still think communication is important, even if the other person is not very willing. It wasn't very fun talking with my bio. father that I didn't want him to "give me away" but I did it and I'm glad I did. I would n't have wanted him to just show up and be surprised. Ya know? At least I was upfront about it.

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

Boy am I dreading the day that my husband's children get married! I have two ex wives to contend with, hehe. The first is the mother of his grown kids (daughter is 21 and son is 19). I've never met her and do not imagine any problems with me although their divorce was bitter so she'd likely have issues just with hubby being there, lol! The second wife helped to raise his son for about 10 years and he (the son) still has a bond with her. And even though their marriage was dead and she had moved out before we started dating (we were friends before that) she'll always think she knows that I split up her marriage. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. So anyway, I'm picturing weddings and birthday parties for future babies and really dreading all of it! The funny thing is, there's animosity between the first 2 wives, too. Egad, it's all so complicated!

Jen415, if you continue to take a backseat, you will ALWAYS take the backseat. There's more than this wedding. There are babies being born and just a lifetime of events. I think it's wonderful that you care enough to not want to spoil these special occasions but you have a right to be included! I feel terrible for your partner's son but he really has to put his foot down and tell his mother to act like an adult about it or SHE will be the one responsible for ruining his big day.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this!!
I think that you should go! You said so she know that if she throws a fit she will get her way! I say call her bluff and then maybe just maybe she will realize that its time to grow up!
Good luck, I hope that you get to go, you deserve to be there!