Him: What are they going to think when they get your check for my bill.
You should of told him they are gong to think you have a wife that is making the payment.
Make sure you keep paying it like that because it sounds like he don't want your name any were on it. And if he don't like it tell him you'll stay there and not pay anything ,your his wife he can't kick you out of the house you live in as man(?) and wife.
Take care of your self and let us know how things are going.
My father is an alcoholic. My mother his co-dependent. He started out trying to "teach" her things or making a "little comment" here and there about her weight "for her own good." He ended up belittling her, verbally and emotionally abusing her DAILY for 40 years, to date.
At first she stayed in the marriage "because of the children." By the time the youngest was old enough to leave the house my mother's self-esteem was so shot she is incapable of making a single decision without asking him for permission. I am not kidding you. Mom turned 63 yesterday and she still asks my father for permission to buy herself a pair of shoes with the money SHE worked her entire life to earn.
If you and that "man" who poses as your husband are having sexual relations, you may get pregnant. If that happens, you are surely screwed. And, so is your child. If you cannot make yourself leave for your own good, leave for the sake of the children you have yet to have.
I am 36 and I'm still learning how to have a healthy relationship with MYself and with the people with whom I get romantically involved. Had I had better role-models and a healthier home life growing up I wouldn't be struggling TODAY with an eating disorder and serious issues of co-dependency.
After many years and thousands of dollars worth of therapy, I am very much beyond blaming my parents for the choices I make today and the choices I've made as an adult. Still, the reality of my upbringing DOES make my life more difficult.
I wish for you a life better than my mother's and for your kids, one better than mine. If you cannot leave right now, get your *** in therapy - even if you have to hide it from him. Keep working on your weight, keep eating healthy, keep getting your body stronger. Each step you take towards a healthier, stronger you is a step toward a healthier marriage with the right person.
And please, please, please, make sure you've got the birth control covered. You don't want to get trapped in this situation. It's NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
Ok, first red flag I see is the drinking, I'm not sure but I don't think beer is the best choice for flushing out your kidenys.
I agree that you should help with the bills. But only half if that, I am very old fashion in that I think the guy should take care of his wife, But now we live in a new time. But still he should be a little more kind about it. It sounds to me like at first he was all into the marrage and than when you moved in he is having second thoughts, Maybe a girlfriend, I only say that beause the same kinda thing happened to me and he had a girlfriend. (sorry) anyway he is having second thoughts and is trying to tick you off so you will leave. And the drinking may have a big part in it! My DH now use drink and when he was drinking and feeling guilty for something he did he would come home and pick fights with me. It was hard, he is clean now. All I can say is it dont look good, I am so sorry. I would not open joint checking and I would open a seperate accout for yourself in case you need to get out of there. I wish you the best of luck!!
Edit: I was so mad at reading your post that I responded w/out reading all the replys. I still stand by what I wrote up there but I do feel that you were being a little selfish about the money. A marrage is a partenership and that goes for the bills too. BUT he still seems controling to me. Why would he be so worried about you paying the house payment instead of giving it to him.So be carefull. He my still have a drinking problem.
Last edited by ladybugfun; 03-10-2006 at 01:11 AM.
Of course wives and husbands should share expenses. Of course both should contribute. But both should be involved in making the decisions about what that means, too. Both should have decision making roles in how it is spent.
This man is not going to go to counseling--and I can't see it ashelping even if he did. A Christian church--or any other kind of church--is not going to change what he is doing, what he has learned is appropriate and what he expects. And, frankly, while your decision was probably a great way to show contribution and sharing in expenses, I'd put out there that after a couple of months, that won't make a difference either. He wantss a person to share expenses, not a wife or partner. Look at how he puts things "pay me 200.00 to live here"??? that's not "share expenses with me" that's "you owe me for allowing you to be in my presence".
If you stay, do keep paying it yourself, not giving him cash to do it--I agree, you need proof that you are indeed contributing. But, frankly, walking on eggshells, and feeling bad about yourself because he kees putting you down is not worth it. You lived 250 miles away from him before ---- you can do it again....and probably be better off for it. Be safe...be strong...stand up for yourself. You're worth it.
I just read this and was happy to hear i'm not alone in all of this. I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for 4 yrs, I lost my job in Jan, it was just a little get by job at a gas station, and was able to get unemployment, which thank goodness because of my previous job as a nurse, is more than what I was actually making at the job I lost in Jan. I also decided to apply for foodstamps, I figured what the heck, i've worked and paid taxes for the past 25 yrs why not do this for right now and take a break, I get 399.00 a month in food assistance and 700.00 a month in unemployment. Don't get me wrong, I do not for an instance think I should live here free, BUT, I put all the food in this house and pay for my truck, which is the ONLY vehicle here so it's his also, I pay the water and utility bill also. So basically I'm paying just as much as he is when you factor in food and the truck. Here's the funny part, he thinks just because i'm home all day that i'm obligated to do his laundry and clean the house...I have NO problem doing this but since he was such a jerk about it all I told him that I wasn't his maid and that I paid 1/2 the bills here just as he did and he could do his own crap....the other thing is EVERYTHING I cook he complains about it...just little comments like "it's not done enough" he actually likes his meat almost burnt...I don't burn food!! lol I try,,,,but no matter how I cook it,,,it's not right...just like last night...I cooked steak, corn on the cob, rolls along with a salad, the first thing he said was "this steak is to thick I like my meat thinner" it's a no win situation...he's killing me! Someone please tell me i'm over reacting...lol
Jen~~Maybe he's ticked off because he has to go to work everyday to earn his money and you get to "stay home all day" and your money is given to you.
Don't get me wrong, I think that unemployment and welfare are wonderful options for those who need a helping hand to back on their feet. It's not to be used to "take a break" ,just because you have worked for 25 years and paid into the system.
If you have a nursing license, why are you not applying for a job in that field? There is a huge market and need for nurses right now.
Like I said, maybe he has underlying resentments that are coming to surface in his comments.
4Myself~~ Take a look at your sign-on name. 4Myself . Is this the best partnership for "yourself"? I applaud you for paying the $200 in the manner that you did. I agree with others who said that $200 is a small amount to live off of. But I don't really believe that money is your main problem/issue in this relationship. Control and Respect come to mind.
Please, keep some of your money in a separate account for the future, just in case this doesn't work out in the long run. and keep us posted.
2BFIT1---I personally have never gotten unemployment or food assistance in my life until now, i've always worked and paid my own way...I have NO problem working for my money, when I lost my gas station job the employment office actually referred me to both, unemployment and food assistance, had no idea I would qualify for either. As for my nursing license, that is in another state and to transfer it here would cost me several hundred dollars in refresher classes, unfortunately I do not have that at the moment. I pay my part of the bills around here and then some, not once has he offered to pay and has gotten really upset when I mention it about the truck payment. My problem is I don't feel it's right for him to expect me to do his laundry and cook the way he wants it, when i'm paying my way here just as he is. My comment "taking a break" was the wrong way for me to say it, this time is giving me to chance to get the classes I need for my license and get the job i'm qualified for. I'm not taking a break and sitting on my butt all day, I do look for work everyday, and I do clean and cook everyday.
Jen~~I'm sorry to have jumped on ya like that I really do have better manners than that, I promise. I know that everybody has their own situation and set of circumstances. I guess, as an RN, it is difficult for me to understand why someone who has worked so hard for their license wouldn't use it. You explained that and I am sorry. I guess things have changed over the years. When I moved from Calif to Georgia 15 yrs ago, it didn't take much to get a license in GA.
Anyway, I'm sorry
I have never heard of a marriage going like that. I am 20 years old now and I got married when I was 17. My husband is military and I have never worked.... But on top of that I have never had him say you are going to get a job to help pay bills or anything! He goes strictly by whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I do not think that you have a healthy marriage. I would think about getting out! Money is the root of all evil!
All I have to say is "Wow". I've read through this thread and I can't believe what I'm reading. He accused you of breaking the toilet? Someone who would say that to me would be eating my dust.
I think really sharing expenses is part of a marriage but it also depends on the amount of income. Do you buy the groceries? Do you clean the house? Start charging him for that stuff. That really isn't a marriage, its a roommate situation. He seems to treat you like a child rather than a wife. I'd seriously consider your own happiness and I think there is someone out there that could truly love you instead of treating you like he does.
I may not have a lot of experience, but I've had a few run-ins with people like this before. All i can say is that if any man spoke to me the way your husband speaks to you, or treated me that way, I'd let him stay in the house long enough to pack his bags (regardless of whose house it was) before I kicked his butt out the door... well, unless I just chucked all his stuff on the front lawn and changed the locks. Seriously, this sounds like an increadibly unhealthy relationship - anytime there's a power struggle like this in a relationship it needs to be addressed. Sometimes this can work through councelling, although I'm generally more of a "one strike and your out" kind of person, and sometimes it's addressed by one person (the controlled person) getting the heck out of there.
I do agree that I think expenses should be shared, but that's a personal thing I have about needing to pay my own way. That being said, he's not simply requesting that you kick in for the expenses. He's wanting control over your money. If he made a fuss over you paying something on your own, rather than giving him the money, there's a problem. Paying on your own is an independant thing - something beyond his control. Giving him the money effectively debilitates you - it takes away your means of supporting yourself, and it's one more way for him to control your life.
From what you've said in this post, your husband doesn't respect you, and for me respect is the basis of any strong and loving relationship. The idea of you staying in this relationship makes me nervous. If you really want to try to make it work, then give councelling a go (or even suggest it and see if he recognizes that there's a problem). But for your own mental and physical health, I would suggest that you provide yourself with a way out - keep your own bank account, literally have an "escape" plan (dramatic as it sounds, it's the only term I can think of for it) - make sure you have a copy of the car key, keep a seperate credit card he doesn't know about... just be careful. I really do hope this works out for you, whatever you choose to do. Please keep us updated.
and keep us posted.
I really do have better manners than that, I promise. I know that everybody has their own situation and set of circumstances. I guess, as an RN, it is difficult for me to understand why someone who has worked so hard for their license wouldn't use it. You explained that and I am sorry. I guess things have changed over the years. When I moved from Calif to Georgia 15 yrs ago, it didn't take much to get a license in GA.
