[QuilterInVA]

Only knowing someone a year and getting married - yes, that is fine. I knew my husband 1 week when he proposed and we married 3 months later - that was 35 years ago. I have friends that have dated for years then got married and are now divorced.

[kykaree]

I come from a line of fairly easy going folk, but we have the odd strange fruit who expects everything to be done their way to their time frame.

And I guess your response needs to be geared towards the outcome you want long term. If you (and hubby of course) are happy for mum out law to be upset, to bring it up at every family occasion that you weren't at her wedding, don't go. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just saying that the long term implications of you not going could get unpleasant. Personally I can handle unpleasant, but I don't have to live with the woman.

Or you can change your cabin booking. I know it's not your ideal solution, but I think some flexibility on your part might set the tone of things to come, and perhaps would be seen as a bit of an olive branch. Planning weddings is never easy, and perhaps it was a matter of venue availability etc, and that's how it panned out. It would have been nice for your feelings to have been considered, but sometimes things don't turn out that way.........it may not have been vindictiveness on her part.

My partner has no parents left, mine live in Australia and we're in England. We get pretty lonely, and have no family at all to call our own. I would love to have in laws, Col was an only child. Sometimes, despite their foibles, you need to be thankful for what you have.

[MlleOdile]

I agree with Kykaree. This isn't about wedding dates or anniversaries or who planned what when, it's a long term power struggle with the MIL and the prize is your DH.... for me, life's too short to drink bad wine, so I'd be inclined to cancel my anniversary plans, and make new and better ones and go to the MIL's wedding. As Kykaree suggests, there are long term implications here... and I think I'd also talk to a counselor about strategies for setting healthy boundaries with the MIL - it would be a gift to you both. Life's about relationships - and there are some deep issues here (obviously) that could use a different tactic - one that is geared towards healing the rifts - it would make for long term better mental health, and family happiness. Just my two cents. : )

Prayers for your grandma.

[DeafinlySmart]

As you can see, there is no real answer except the one that fits your family.

My position is that my DH and I never really broke the control my MIL had until we stood up to her. Do we have a pleasant relationship now? No and we probably never will. I do like our relationship better now because she started to respect my husband instead of using him.

If harsh words have not been said yet, I would lovingly have your husband say "I wish I could come mom, but my wife and I are celebrating our anniversary with a cabin. I hope your wedding is everything you want it to be and if there is anything I can do to help beforehand, I will be there for you."

Boundaries have to be drawn (a counselor might help) and she has to realize that he is grown with a family. I suspect the real power struggle is not between you and her but the fact that she hasn't let go of her baby yet. She doesn't like to compete for his attention. I have 3 babies and I hope I do better, but you can never tell.

Another story: My mom treated my sister SO much better after she stood up to her and that respect radiated to the rest of us after she realized she CAN have a role in our lives, just not the one she is struggling to hold on to. We in turn, have learned to respect that she can't change who she is fundamentally.

I also believe that you should follow what your husband thinks in this situation because it is his relationship with his mother. My husband was TERRIFIED that his mother wouldn't speak to him anymore. She didn't for about a week and then it was better. LOL. All the time I was terrified that I convinced him to ruin it. You can have input and should have input with your husband but because it is his mother, he should make the ultimate decision. If he isn't ready, pick another time to try to convince him. It sounds as though he is on your side. Encourage him to be as lovingly as possible so that it is less of a power struggle. Those are doomed to fail.

[mom2cole]

Thank you for all of your ideas on both sides of the issue. We have decided to tell her we are not changeing our plans and the graduation that her parents will be going to can't be changed either so it is in her best interest to change the date. She has no idea where this wedding is being held, so her having a placed reserved is not an issue, she has no idea what she is wearing, no idea where the reception is going to be or what the invintations are going to look like. They are waiting on her fiances house to sell because right now they are not answering the phone because they have no money to pay the bill collectors. So, she has no money for a wedding. I know for a fact she picked this date as a power struggle to see who is going to turn out on top. I worked with this lady for 5 years and I finally had to quit my job because of crap she gave me. She just thinks she deserves everything better than me, when my husband bought me a new car all she could say was "I need a new car more than she does." I honestly thought her finding someone to share her life with would change her behavior, but I guess I am wrong. I know for a fact she will change the date, but she won't do it quietly. She has yet to call or talk to anyone since announcing the date. My husband is going to call her tomorrow when he is off work and explain our situation again.

[Kery]

I thought she had already made the reservations and all, but since it's not the case? Yes, it looks to me more like a matter of picking the date to see if you'd change your plans... which sucks. Anyway, as it seems that both your husband and yourself are keen on not changing your plans, I guess the little scheme is all backfiring on her, hm? (It's not like she couldn't have known your anniversary date, too.)

It's irking, when people plan something, are told "sorry we had already reserved a room/cabin/something and can't come", and then go all ballistics over it. Doesn't the first plan comes, well, first? Else we could never plan anything, since it'd mean that as soon as another party, plan etc comes up, we'd drop the first one we've promised to go to (and the likes). Yes, a wedding is important, but in such a case, when it's clearly a matter of control, I don't think that going all meek and compromising would necessarily be "the" best solution.

Whatever--I hope you and your husband have a great anniversary

[lucky]

Personally, I would not cancel my plans. There are several reasons. First of all, you've been forced to make a statement about whose happiness is most important. The fact of the matter is that both occasions are worthy of a celebration and neither necessarily trumps the other. I would make clear that you are thrilled that she has found happiness and would love to celebrate her marriage but that it isn't possible to do so that particular weekend. Then, offer to host a party in their honor once you return from your trip. It needn't be expensive or elaborate just a simple get together with her closest family and/or friends. If it really is the actual wedding ceremony that she wants everyone to attend then maybe she'll change the date. If she doesn't, you will miss the event but eliminated any accusations that her happiness isn't worthy of celebration.

[liz321]

Let us know how things turn out.

Liz

[happydaisy]

I hope you guys have a great anniversary; don't let her ruin it for you. She obviously isn't a happy woman and wants you to be unhappy as well. I absolutely disagree that this should be your husbands decisions. You two are partners and your input counts. She shouldn't be the priority in your relationship, the two of you should and I think it's awesome you guys have planned such a trip to celebrate your relationship. Congratulations!!