Divorce advice needed
 

So, after almost 12 years of marriage, my husband finally admitted what I have been suspecting for years. He doesn't love me like a man should love a wife, and I am a dissappointment to him. I didn't turn out to be what he thought I would be. HOWEVER - I am still supposed to stay "for the kids". When I told him I planned to leave soon but would share custody with him, he said he didn't have the patience to take care of them and that they would rather be with me so he is not going to try to get custody of them and doesn't want 50/50 either. But he says I am being selfish for wanting to leave and I should just suck it up and find some hobbies and get over it and stay in the marriage for the kids. He b**ches at me every day about something and I always sense a seething anger underneath his calm exterior. He has been violent at tiimes in the past but not for the past 2 years. I have been staying home with my children and only working very part-time for the last 10 years. I don't have a full-time job right now, and I have no money saved. I don't know what to do next. He says if I feel I must leave, we can work something out ourselves without having to go to court. I am for that as long as I am protected. I don't want to do the big court battle thing.

My stepfather told me today that my only problem is my heart is bigger than my head. He truly feels I have put up with more bull than any person should ever deal with. But my husband still makes me feel guilty. I'm scared. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

:?: :?: :?: :?:

Get together a plan and get out now. That's my advice.

Never a fun thing to go through. My parents were divorced after about 13 years of marriage, and he told my mother similar, though he said he actually never REALLY loved her (after 3 kids together) and that he probably should never have married her in the first place. How delightful, hm?

As far as your children are concerned - trust me when I say that watching your parents in a sh*tty relationship is MUCH harder in the long run on them, than being a little poor cuz they're now just living with mommy. My mom went back to school and got a job and supported us. She received very little money from my father, but she did get the house that was paid for completely, so she lucked out.

Now, my concern would be why he doesn't want to get lawyers and go to court. Is he wanting YOU to leave your house? If you have custody of the children, then HE needs to leave your house, even if its his idea to stay together "for the kids". Do you think your kids are that stupid? Do you think they will grow up knowing what a healthy loving relationship is, with this as an example?

Nothing like this is easy. I agree with the posting above, start making a plan!

Get a lawyer, make a plan and DO NOT move out. If you end up with custody, you should stay in the marital home as long as you can until all financial arrangements are made. I stayed for six months and he moved out. Stick to your guns for your own sake and that of your kids.

I have been divorced, and I had no job. I made him leave, and I have 2 kids. There is help out there for you, you just have to ask. Don't live in a loveless situation. You can do it!! You are important also, and you have to remember that. Was it hard? YES! But it led me to my husband now, and I have been blissfull for 9 years. My kids have grown, and love us. No, I didn't get much help from their father. I went to school, while working. I soon got a job to support everyone.

My advice, is get an attorney. Tell him to go, and look for a job, and help for single mothers. Move if you can't afford your home. It sounds hard, but in the long run you will be happy, and so will your kids.

Thanks - and more questions
 

I really appreciate everyone who is responding.

I don't want to keep this house. I would rather we end up selling it and split the equity or have him keep it and refinance and give me my part of the equity.

But in the meantime, I have nowhere to go and would like to stay while things get sorted out. How can I make him go?

I have never been divorced and my parents are still married, but I agree with the others. And remember, having lawyers and courts involved doesn't mean that it has to be long and drawn out. But it does offer a legally binding agreement between the two of you with will offer some protection to you and your children down the road. Working it out on your own may seem ideal but you will have no recourse should he decide that he isn't happy with the arrangement in the future.

It really strikes me as odd that he would claim he doesn't have the patience to raise the children and doesn't even want to share custody with you - and yet claims YOU are the selfish one for not staying married for their sake. That alone should be a clear indication that it is in the best interest of your children for you to be out of this marriage. If you sense and underlying anger in him then they do to. They will be less affected by not having their father around anymore than to grow up sensing that he thinks of them as a burden he doesn't want to be responsible for.

another question!!
 

I live in NC (his family lives here) my family lives in Florida. My stepfather has offered me a free house to live in for the next 9 months to get on my feet (in September they plan to retire to the house and I would need to move).

My husband wants me to sign something saying I will never move the children out of this state. I want to be near my family and could really use the help from them. Can I do this?

Please don't sign anything without consulting an attorney. It sounds like he already has.

Mel

Don't sign anything until you've talked with an attorney - especially anything that involves the kids.

Do not let him bully you into anything. Unfortunately, when a marriage reaches the unraveling point, things can get ugly quickly. He doesn't sound like he's being particularly vicious at the moment (a selfish bastage, absolutely though! I think you're doing the right thing in considering moving on and away from him) but be prepared mentally and emotionally for that to change once he realizes that he doesn't have the right to call all the shots on where you live, how you live, and with whom you live.
Divorce sucks. The only saving grace is that staying in a marriage where there is no hope any more of things improving sucks worse. :(

How lucky we are to have such helpful posters here! Everyone has given such great supportive advice. Gives me hope for the world :)

I agree with the above - DO NOT under any circumstances sign ANYTHING! You know those nightmare stories where mothers lose custody for no good reason? Don't become one of those. I also agree that it sounds like he's already been looking at the legal side of this, at the very least. He also sounds more and more like a control freak. He doesn't want to give you an easy way out, and Florida for 9 months in a free home would definitely be a GREAT solution. How wonderful you have such kind family members!

I don't know what his reason would be for saying he wants nothing to do with raising the kids, but then insisting you stay married to him and in the house with him. What a miserable life that would be for you! That isn't fair to ask of anyone.

Keep us updated, I'm interested to know how things progress.

Umm...he doesn't want custody, he doesn't think he would have the patience to raise them...but he doesn't want you to take them out of the state? What? Does that even make sense?? If I were you alarm bells of a thousand decibels would be ringing!

Mousie, I was thinking the same thing as you.

icmethinner, under no circumstances sign anything without consulting an attorney first. And do not let him bully you into doing anything that you know sounds like a bunch a crap. You have yourself and your kids to think about. Going to court is not necessarily a bad thing. It's probably for the best because you will have things in black and white stating how things will be. As someone else pointed out, doing things outside of court may SOUND ideal, but it isn't in you or your children's best interest.

Please keep us updated on how things are going.

Get a lawyer NOW and don't sign anything!! He sounds like he is rrying to give you the short end of the stick. You stayed home with the kids and deserve something for all the "work"you put into the marriage. Also he sounds very manipulative. I would not take anything he says at face value. Good Luck and keep us informed.