[GlamourGirl827]

I am again thinking about why I am always on the outside of any female cliques. Even growing up, I tended to befriend females in a one to one friendship, but my groups were predominantly male. My closest group in high school was all guys and one other girl that I got along great with.

I'm in my mid 30s and its still the same. I do well in a one to one with women, and have some girlfriends I get together with.
And I am part of a moms fitness group and I am friendly with them, we all make small talk...there is no animosity between us. So I'm not saying women hate me, this isn't the case.

But I can't seem to be good friends with them. The friendships never progress past friendly acquaintance unless its a one to one. I recently saw on facebook that a large group of them got together for a night out, to which I wasn't invited. But this is the story of my life. Other "new" women can fall in with an already established group, but I don't.

However its totally different with men. I have no issue being well liked, and invited places...I can tell they want to hang around me, versus most women that are nice to me, but don't have an interest in pursuing a deeper friendship.

I have similar interests as typical women and moms, uts not like I want to talk sports or cars all day, though I do enjoy those things, but I have female hobbies too.
I have been told on more than one occasion by males friends that my personality is more like a guy and that I'm not a typical woman, but I don't even know what that really means at this point. I want to connect with other women, mostly because I am married and basically have lost touch with all my male friends and making a new guy friend would be a problem in my marriage.

I just can't figure out what it is. I think maybe I'm boring? Or just the opposite, come off as stuck up...but then why is it so easy for me to make male friends? If I was such a shitty person, wouldn't I be off putting to men as well? Men randomly strike up conversations with me, and I do with them, complete strangers, and they are nice and friendly. I try to do the same with women and most look at me like "why are you talking to me?"...

Just last week, I went with my son to a book sale at his school and he's picking out all these books that aren't really reading books. So I walk him over to the novels and I'm like "you need to buy something you can read!" and there's a dad with his kid telling his kid the same thing. Whether it was a dad or mom, I would have noticed the funny coincidence and said something, so said to the dad that I was just telling my son the same thing, and of course I'm laughing...because its funny (I think everything is funny)..and he's laughing and talking about the same thing...and when I tried to move on to more books with my son, that dad keeps talking to me and I have to politely end the conversation! I would never have gotten that response from a most women.

And I'm nothing to look at, so its not my looks. Seriously I'm fat and I know no one on this site has ever seen my face (I do not look like Marilyn Monroe!) But I'm not attractive, like at all. In high school all my close guy friends always had other girlfriends (dating wise), and I was told by one of them one time, I'm the kids of girl that's fun to be around but not that kind of girl to date...

So its not that these guys are hitting on me. I've never been hit on before. Its more like when two guys that are strangers share a funny joke over something (I'm sure you've seen that or know what I'm talking about)

That's the story of my life. I'm definitely big on humor, but plenty of women are funny...I'm so frustrated. I feel like asking the ladies at my fitness group what's wrong with me??

[Palestrina]

There's nothing wrong with you! You have a dominant personality and are very direct (based purely on the limited interaction I've had with you on an online forum) and men are comfortable with that dynamic where as women are not. I have no problem meeting people but making friends is a whole other story and I think it's because I don't do fakeness. I'm not like "oh you are so great and I love your hair." Not that I don't appreciate being girly but there are so many more interesting things to talk about and women are not into me in that sense. I'm not all that interested in being nice and being well liked and sometimes I get the feeling that girls say what others want to hear and I'm not like that, I'm direct and not afraid to be real.

The truth is as we get older it gets harder to make close relationships. I find I have the best luck with non Americans, people from Europe just get me and Americans do not. Don't get down on yourself and think there is something wrong with you, just do you and be real.

[lemonthyme]

Glamour: Nope, nothing wrong with you. I have a sister in the same boat as you - always more guy friends than gals. She too is one that says what she means, was always a tomboy, etc. No, it's not you - its the dumb ladies that won't take interest; BTDT - except mine is a small rural town where everyone is related and I am from the same state but 4 hours away - so therefore an outsider. The question is always "who do you know, who are you related to?" and if I don't provide the correct answer you get a quick brush off. It's not that you aren't a kind, wonderful, full of zest person - they just may be those type of gals - ones who are a bit more on the shallow and have been since middle school on, some NEVER change. I too am looking for friends to do things with but it's kind of nil and the same type of response. And as my sister says - she finds women perceive her as a threat since she is comfortable w/many man friendships. Not that she would - she's happily married and all and not looking other than for a laugh or people to do social things with, but a lot of women find her ease threatening. Crazy I know.

Don't think it's your shape, your personality, your looks (oh gawd - that's so high school when they do that!), it's just that they haven't grown up usually. I have perfectly fine conversations w/strangers, but they are usually older than I and open to having a conversation. I try w/younger ones or the other mom's of my school age kid and they like look at me like I have three heads. Whatever, there are all sorts of people out there. I have actually had the best luck meeting nice people at the library that will acknowledge me when I am out and about in public when we run into each other.

I guess what I am saying, friends as you age are a bit harder to come by, you don't need the ones that won't give you the time of day. Though its hard, find the ones that you really enjoy being with and who truly enjoy your company, not just splitting the dinner or drinks bill.

[novangel]

Like Palestrina said it's your dominant personality. I'm the same way. I'm black and white, no grey, and can't stand fake people. A lot of people find my personality intimidating and if I'm mistaken for a b**** that is fine, those that know me well know I'm not. I don't do Mom cliques or groups, we have nothing in common. I prefer one on one and male friendships over female. With that said I have limited myself to very few friends and that is 100% okay with me. Less drama that way. I have friends that have their side cliques and it's always fighting and back stabbing. No thanks!

All you really need is one good friend IMO.

[KirstyLou]

Many women are like that, but definitely not all! Me and my sis both get on better with guys. My sis is 26 and she works in an office with much older people (in 40s/50s). She gets on well with the men but the women are so hostile towards her and will not invite her to events/parties etc. They are very cliquey and *****y. There is also a "queen bee" and all of the women bend over backwards to please her. My sister doesn't. Of course, queen bee does not like this. It is like an american high school movie. You'd think that it would get better with age but it doesn't. They can be just as *****y!

I'm 28 and work at home. I'm glad that I don't have to deal with *****y women at work, but at the same time I feel lonely and I would love to have friends. It just feels like women are turning against each other. I know not all are like that. Don't think that it is you. It is their problem. Also, someone told me some good advice. You have to like people for them to like you, and secondly, you get back what you give. So I think that if you go out thinking that all women dislike me, you will attract women who dislike you.

[GlamourGirl827]

Thank you ladies. Your responses really helped. I've been feeling really bad about this lately. Palestrina, your observation is right. I do have a very dominant personality. I'm not outgoing in some situations though if that makes any sense...not because I'm shy but nc I just don't care to talk about some things. If the topic is boring I'll just listen.

I will tell you something that happened at one of my first times at that moms fitness group. We had finished our workouts and after wards we all sit and the instructor does songs for the babies and toddlers. There were about 25 women all sitting around and I was with my toddler. He was walking standing about a foot in front of me. I think I must give off a look of not paying attention, but I tend to actually be hypervigilant due to an abusive childhood so while I'm not looking at someone I am always listen, watching out of the corner of my eye, its not a planned thing, its just second nature...anyway...the moms a few feet from me are talking about how someone smells like they need a diaper change. They are not talking quietly, if anything I go the impression they wanted me to hear, suggesting it was my son. Now, I smelled nothing, and believe me, (moms you know) you get a very keen nise for that, so I suspected it was someone on their other side, farther from me. I said nothing, but continued to look elsewhere while "watching" them. They both checked their kids, and said "nope not him/her" and then I saw one mom head nod with the eye point (like like move her eyes too) towards me and my toddler. So I said to them "I'll checked him so you can knock it off" (He was not dirty which I knew) and confronted them about their rudeness and told her I saw what she did. I told her that she was rude and if I had smelled anything I would have changed him, but if she had any question to just say to me "hey I think your kids needs a change" but don't be an *** like that. ...I wasn't nasty, just very matter of fact that she was behaving like a tool. She apologized up and down and ever since then she;s so freaking nice to me its actually getting irritating. Its fake, I know. My husband thinks it funny. He said they probably don't want to piss you off again...I didn't threaten her for god sakes...I didn't start with her, I just cleared up her ridiculous behavior. I highly doubt she told every one in the group, but maybe....but come on, if she hadn't been such a jackass, I wouldn't have corrected her. I will not be treated that way plain and simple. I don't treat others that way either.

I don't get how that's a problem though. I was only reacting to her behavior. I was very kind to her before that and I am very kind to her now. I don't hold grudges, I just lay it out and move on.

I definitely don't tell people what they want to hear, but I don't give unsolicited advice either.

[Raisin5Cookies]

I love people like that. I'll be you friend!

[Fatbloke]

Making new friends is unpleasant and potentially harmful. The internet is a great substitute especially as you get older.

[Eydawn]

I'm the same way. I have a few select female friends who get it, and get me, and the majority of my friends are dudes. Always have been, and it doesn't bother me.

Women are a lot more likely to be emotionally manipulative, underhanded, and harder to communicate with in my opinion. It's a cultural thing, not an aspersion on our fair gender; I just choose not to play. It took me a long time to realize that people cut you down when they're intimidated by you.

I tend to be a straight shooter, unafraid to express myself, and self-motivated. I fall right in line with most of the guys I know on that.

I'm happy with my dude friends, and select group of lady pals!

[MrsTryingAgain]

Glamour
First off, there is not a darned thing wrong with you! It is with them!!

You sound just like me. I can count the number of female friends I have had over the years on probably one hand. I just didn't get females & they evidently didn't get me. I was raised the youngest of 7, 4 boys/3 girls. My eldest sister is 14 years older than I am & my middle sister is 7 years older than I. So we didn't have a lot in common. I played & hung out more with 2 of my brothers, 2 & 4 years older than I. We lived out in the middle of our rice fields & "playmates" were something I didn't have. My brothers were it! So we played in the dirt with our Tonka trucks, army men, Hot Wheels, etc.

When I was like in jr. high & HS I had NO ISSUE talking to the guys. They were nothing new to me! I had plenty of experience being around my 4 brothers & their friends. Guys were just that...guys. I had my crushes & even a few boyfriends, but I was still Major Tomboy. Still am to this very day! I'd rather hang out with guys, watch football, go camping or play cards drinking beer & whiskey!

Males aren't catty. Males aren't as judgmental as other females. Males for the most part take you as you are. If you are real with them, they'll be real with you. Plain & simple!

Yeah, it bugs me at times that I don't have any females in my life, outside of my mom. But ya know what? I'd rather have really awesome people in my life (male/female) than ones I have just for the sake of having.

I'm 51 now. I don't have the energy for drama or other B$. I like my life to be quiet, simple & drama-free. If people like me, it's for me being me not playing at being "female". Being female is only a fraction of who I am. And I have learned to accept who I am after years of wondering how come I only have male friends. It's all in how I was raised, how I think, & how I present myself to the world. Love me or leave me...cause I know that I'm not everyone's cup of coffee (I'm a huge coffee drinker). Some people like tea, some water, some milk or just something else. And that is their choice!
Be happy with you! Be strong! People will love you for being you...and if it's a female...chances are she's a lot like you!! Good luck!!

[Rana]

Thank you for the conversation. I've been mulling over some of these questions in my head this year because I had a fallout with a female friend -- and it came out of left field.

I think what it did, aside from clearly showing me that she's not a true friend, is that it made me question my friendships, but more than that -- what I was willing to do to keep friendships. And I don't want to be fake and pretend.

Like some of the people that posted here, I do have a dominant personality, even if I don't express it all the time. I have very little patience for BS -- I don't have the time in my life to deal with the dramas and as a consequence, I tend to be very direct.

And I've been asking myself if changing -- in order to keep friendships -- is the right thing to do (which instinctually it feels like it's not) but then what do I do? End up with no friends...? But maybe alone is better than with people who I have to pretend to be a certain way to keep their friendships.

[nonameslob]

I have to wonder, and maybe this was covered as I only skimmed the replies...have you made an effort to hang out with the group you mentioned? You said you weren't invited to something, but that may be because you haven't made an effort to show you *want* to be invited.

And that's all I really have on that. Making friends is hard work, and I am the type of person who is usually not up for it, so it takes some extra effort on my part.

[MrsTryingAgain]

Originally Posted by Rana

....I think what it did, aside from clearly showing me that she's not a true friend, is that it made me question my friendships, but more than that -- what I was willing to do to keep friendships. And I don't want to be fake and pretend.
Like some of the people that posted here, I do have a dominant personality, even if I don't express it all the time. I have very little patience for BS -- I don't have the time in my life to deal with the dramas and as a consequence, I tend to be very direct.
And I've been asking myself if changing -- in order to keep friendships -- is the right thing to do (which instinctually it feels like it's not) but then what do I do? End up with no friends...? But maybe alone is better than with people who I have to pretend to be a certain way to keep their friendships.

You'll find that as you get older...not sure how old you are, but I'm 51 & I haven't been able to put up with B$ for probably 2-3 decades!! Who needs drama? Drama only gives you headaches, ulcers & ages you quickly!!

I had a "friend" who'd call me & beg me to be part of her life only to ignore me when she "didn't need me" any longer. Friendships are 2-way streets! Giving & giving & giving without anything in return is really not a friendship. Friendships are work, but it needs to be work done by both parties!

Yes, I'm lonely at times. But at least I'm not stressed out. I'm not crying because of someone being a horse's a$$ to me. I had a sister destroy me years ago & I decided to never let another person hurt me like that again. It's not that I don't trust, I just make sure to keep my eyes open & listen to my gut! You can only repair your heart so many times until it becomes nothing but scar tissue!

[Rana]

Originally Posted by MrsTryingAgain

You'll find that as you get older...not sure how old you are, but I'm 51 & I haven't been able to put up with B$ for probably 2-3 decades!! Who needs drama? Drama only gives you headaches, ulcers & ages you quickly!!

I had a "friend" who'd call me & beg me to be part of her life only to ignore me when she "didn't need me" any longer. Friendships are 2-way streets! Giving & giving & giving without anything in return is really not a friendship. Friendships are work, but it needs to be work done by both parties!

Yes, I'm lonely at times. But at least I'm not stressed out. I'm not crying because of someone being a horse's a$$ to me. I had a sister destroy me years ago & I decided to never let another person hurt me like that again. It's not that I don't trust, I just make sure to keep my eyes open & listen to my gut! You can only repair your heart so many times until it becomes nothing but scar tissue!

I'm a little older too. I do think with time, people lose their patience to deal with drama. I couldn't believe what had happened to me because I really felt like I was in high school again or something like that.

The Boyfriend says I need to expand my circle of friends and people I know and I will eventually meet and click with people. I will do that. I was burned with this friend -- I thought she was my friend for over 7 years... and I was wrong!

I think my reluctance right now to put myself out there -- because making friends is like DATING -- is that I need to get somethings in place and organized before I put time and energy into those new friendships.

[howyoulose]

Honestly I feel like I've had issues with other women my whole life and it's never been a problem until I got into a serious relationship. The only women I get along with are other women who have mostly male friends. I've always just found men easier to talk to, and honestly, less drama with less of the psycho bull that comes with some female friendships. The few female friendships that I've had with women who have all female friends haven't lasted more than six months.

My advice? Don't think that there's anything wrong with you. There isn't. You honestly aren't missing out on much. You're probably feeling left out, if anything. If you're missing female companionship you'll find it much easier to talk to other women who have mostly male friends. You said you find it easier to talk to men right? Maybe you're just nervous around women because you find them more judgemental? I think someone mentioned that as well.

If anything, you might be stand-offish and not even know it. Myself, I know I'm standoffish and it takes me a little bit to open up to people. I know for a fact I come of as frigid at first because that's my personality (online is a bit different maybe). Maybe try inviting them out for a night out and see what happens?