I guess I don't have much experience with dating. I haven't had many bfs and my first bf ever is the reason I started losing weight because of what he said about my weight. I'm not with him anymore I'm so glad btw
So I used to weigh over 300 pounds and now I am about 180. Most people think I look smaller than that and once they get to know me and I mention how big I was they can't believe it. I guess I don't look like I ever weighed 300 so that is good.
Ever since the first guy I haven't dated very much. And every time I start talking to guys I get insecure about this. I start having thoughts like...if I didn't look smaller he wouldn't be interested. And should I ever tell them that I weighed more? Is it hiding something from them? And if it gets serious will he be dissatisfied with my body? Because I look great with clothes but I have a little loose skin/stretch marks ect. Or he totally deserves someone better than me (especially when I think they look better than me and so they deserve someone thinner)
Anyone else experience this and have advice? I mean I don't want to blurt out on the first date I used to be 300+ pounds but I also don't want to disappoint them later on if they think I will look a certain way
In my experience, people pay much less attention to this than you might think. With the ladies I date I always mention my weight loss, sometimes quite early on as most people note that I exercise quite a lot and eat very healthily and well too. And on the whole, most people do not really care. What they want is someone looking after their self right now. Which you are. And it's the looking after yourself bit that counts. Not how you look or looked. Because looking after yourself is what makes you attractive to others. They might show a slight interest in the story but that's about it. Even if I get the old photos out (which is going a little overboard, so don't do that unless you really want to). On the physical side, I am sure you look great. Most men and women of all shapes and sizes have stretch marks and funny bits.
So I would not overthink it or worry about it. Good luck!
We all have faults with our bodies and we tend to be our own toughest critic stretch marks I think are on most people in varying forms. I wouldn't let what others have said be what sways you in your dating life. Be confident in who you are, the rest will follow for you. The stronger your confidence in yourself, the more open you are to others. If further into a relationship and you feel you want to share on your great weight loss then do so. But frankly it's not something I was ever asking my BFs. I was more interested in getting to know who they were, if they had a great personality, if we had things in common. For me past weight loss was just another journey (and one I hope to get back to). I think the man that will love you will be loving you for more than the physical package. Now put that smile on your face and go say hello to someone new - leave the weight worries aside, there is always someone for everyone. Good luck!
After losing my weight I had the exact same feelings as you-thinking he wouldn't have liked me when I was heavier, what's going to happen when I take my clothes off, when do I tell him about my weight loss, etc. Finally, and as clique as it sounds, I realized that no matter what this person was going to like me for me or not. You can't change the past and you can't change who you are. But please don't ever think you aren't good enough. Do you know how amazing you are? You did something some people will never do in their lifetime. And I found after dating that a lot of guys are actually impressed, not repulsed by my weight loss.
My advice would be to go on as many dates as possible and not get hung up on these questions. Tell them eventually if things start to get serious, there is no reason to blurt it out on the first date (unless it comes up which sometimes it did for me). There is someone out there that is going to like you for you.
I think I have learned what many here have said, which is focus on the internal, not external.
For example for you, I have a feeling a lot of what is actually happening for you is you are just not that experienced at dating. (By the way, I think most people are not that great at "dating" regardless of the reason, because it's a weird thing, and even at my age many of the men were married to one person and are now finding themselves dating again in this weird new online world).
I had a friend who suggested to me "don't talk about body issues at all" and that was really freeing.
What I did let myself talk about (not necessarily on the first date, but when I started to get to know someone), was my nervousness about not feeling like I was well versed at dating or intimacy. Everyone I dated, regardless of their background or age or how they looked, said they felt similarly - that everyone still just feels a little nervous or "not good at this".
Dating is hard. And also fun sometimes, not fun sometimes, but overall a really interesting rollercoaster. And it is completely, totally fine to make a lot of mistakes.
When you find people who are the right matches for you, they won't care. Like Ian said above, everybody has their things they feel aren't "perfect" and part of a good relationship is acceptance of the "whole" even while you are working on it.
For me, I also did what NYFLAgirl suggested, was to just go on as many dates as possible, and really see the range of partners that are out there, and the range of body issues they have.
And I would recommend having a rule for yourself that if the partner has issues about your body on the first date or you feel them not attracted to you, do not go on a 2nd date. Relationships are challenging in general, let yourself at least start with someone who is naturally attracted to you. That was hard one for me to finally get. You deserve and have the "right" to a partner that is attracted to you AND that you are attracted to. And don't worry if you need to go on 75 dates to find the "fit".
If you are doing online dating or considering it, I also highly recommend reading "Modern Romance" by Aziz Ansari if you haven't yet. That book really helped ground me about dating (and it's also very funny).
Last edited by Grateful4Health; 10-08-2015 at 01:45 AM.
and even at my age many of the men were married to one person and are now finding themselves dating again in this weird new online world
lmao. This is insane. I am telling you! It really is a new world out there now compared to when I first got married. A real shock!
I have not summoned the courage to do online dating yet but have found an acceptable in-between using social media which is great because friends of friends provide some sort of peer validation (which you do not get with complete strangers), just like in the old dating game before the interweb but still very different!
Thankfully most of the old rules still apply though. In the day of texting a phone call makes you look like a real Romeo!
This thread is great, I have some fears about the same stuff though I'm not actively dating now. At 207 pounds men don't notice me, which may be due to my weight or may be due to my vibe (lack of confidence, etc). I feel invisible and am almost scared to get attention because it validates our fears.
Truth be told I had to think about it as a person looking for a perspective mate- would I be attracted to a very heavy man? Attraction is something that can't be controlled, so I can't blame anyone (including myself) for lack thereof. It's a very personal thing. I, for instance, do find a variable range of body types attractive...it's more how they are possessed. I love a guy with a sense of humor, crazy confidence, and a fun, easy going temperament. (Which, I don't think I will ever do online dating again, because it's too difficult to discern these traits and the focus is narrowly shallow, but I digress.) I'm quite shy and lack confidence..but if I let more people in, I'm sure there are guys who would love my crazy humor, my kind headedness, etc. Even as I look now, very overweight (bmi 33)! /end derail
Remember- dating is first and foremost about who YOU choose, versus who chooses you. Empower yourself. You've done something completely remarkable and fantastic, the result of crazy hard work- you've lost well over 100 pounds!! WOW! If someone finds this off putting or it gives them pause... they don't deserve you. You are amazing. So own it
Last edited by MovingOnNow; 10-08-2015 at 06:25 PM.
Interesting thread for sure. What I can tell you is that I have struggled with my weight consistently for most of my life. It has gotten more out of control though these past 4 years, but one of the things that I stopped doing in that time was telling myself that I couldn't date until I was at x or y weight. I just accepted the fact that like it or not, this is where I am, and I wanted a man who was okay with having me at that size.
I thought that it would be difficult, and I found that it was pretty much the same as when I was thinner--although, truth be told when I was younger and thinner, I actually met men in real life. I find now that doesn't happen, so I have to be more proactive. I have done speed dating a time or two in the past, and that was also a lot of fun and got some of the nervousness out about what they might think about me or my body.
Anyway--there was also a mention about what you look like underneath your clothes. I can't say that I've mastered dudes at all, but I imagine that if they are seeing you with little or no clothing, it's because you are likely to be about to join in some adult activities, so to speak, and for the most part, dudes are not going to turn that away. And if they do. There is something wrong with them. And you don't want that guy.
I can't say that I've mastered dudes at all, but I imagine that if they are seeing you with little or no clothing, it's because you are likely to be about to join in some adult activities, so to speak, and for the most part, dudes are not going to turn that away. And if they do. There is something wrong with them. And you don't want that guy.
That's a good point actually. Guys aren't blind. They are going to disappear at the clothes on stage, not the clothes off.
Ian thank you for sharing your thoughts I think in this area there really is a gender difference - men and women really do think differently in many cases.
For those considering online dating, I can offer a few more things that really helped me:
1. I posted several current, full body pictures that clearly showed my whole body, with no photoshop or little tricks that a lot of people use. I have learned to do this mostly for myself - I want to know that when I show up, I look exactly how they are expecting me to look, and that when they ask me out they are already fine with how I look. That way the "external" factor doesn't need to be an issue.
2. I am in all other ways also completely honest and real on my profile. I state exactly what I am looking for, and what I desire.
3. I found OKCupid to be the best site for me - they ask a lot of questions and I answered as many as I could.
4. I trusted who I wanted to go out with and didn't try to "save" anyone - I have found the most caring thing to do is to only respond to the people I was genuinely interested in. It saves everyone's time.
5. I did not talk very long online - I was clear I wanted to meet people in person, in my area.
I made several mistakes of talking too long online, and then when I met in person there was just no chemistry. I have had many friends with the same experience.
Even though it's scary, just go meet for coffee for an hour.
6. I feel that through this process I matured as a woman - I learned to speak clearly what I did or didn't want.
7. I think it's important to just be honest about the purpose of online dating - it's a means to meet someone that you want to be intimate or close with. It's not really a place to make friends. So the attraction aspect needs to be acknowledged and also embraced and cherished. It's OK to want to be attracted, and to want the person to be attracted to you.
8. It really helps to have one or two friends to talk to about your experiences, ask what they think. I didn't gossip or get into drama, but I had a few friends (who were also doing online dating and wanting to talk) that I really could talk to. Also, those friends were my "safe calls". I would always tell them who I was meeting (a screen shot of their profile and phone number if I had it), where I was meeting, and for how long.
9. If you do meet someone you like, give it some time if you can. It's actually rare for that to happen, and don't get too picky (I've seen a lot of people make that mistake - online it appears you have tons of choices, but that's not really the case ....).
10. I have met two people I spent time with that I really liked, but weren't longterm - yet still were really good experiences for both me and the man - and am currently dating someone I met online that is really an incredible man and feel very lucky to have met him.
11. The two hours before I met a person new, I got crazy anxious, and it just got worse until I shook their hand. After that it wasn't so bad, once you actually start talking to the real person. It's the anticipation that's the most challenging - getting dressed, the fear of rejection..... etc. - once you are actually talking it's usually fine. I haven't had any bad experiences or anyone that was rude to me, but if you do, I would recommend just leaving. Remember that you can do that - be kind, but just thank them and let them know you need to go. I did do that a few times with dates after an hour or so when I knew it needed to end and I didn't want to see them again - I had to remember that it's OK to do that, and still be gracious.
Last edited by Grateful4Health; 10-09-2015 at 12:16 PM.
Thanks for all of the advice.
I am just self conscious because like I said I started losing weight after my first bf ever said something about it. He told me to get the lap band...and my second bf was critical of my body too. Those are my only two experiences and obviously they were not good so I don't know how to make it better...you know?
I don't know if I should say something so he's not disappointed. Also the guy I like, I know he likes...uhhh girls with bigger breasts. lol and I don't have much in that area so I am kind of self conscious about that too.
I guess I figure he deserves like...victoria secret or something and maybe he thinks that is what I look like and what if I end up looking...I don't know...like the opposite.
And yes right now its online dating. Its kind of a long story, I'd PM reply anyone who is interested but its one guy I've been talking to a while. I know...someone has said that is bad but he hasn't officially asked me out yet. And I have lots of pics up but I take pics of myself so its more like me above the waist with clothes on of course.
I guess alot of it isn't really about what I think he expects but more about what I experienced the first two relationships with guys criticizing my body and now I worry the next person will too.
Hi guys, hope you're well. Don't know if you continue to follow this thread... but I had a realization this morning that I wrote about in my daily thread that I follow for maintenance, and thought I would share it here also.
I would be curious in the future if you Dagny, Ian, or any of you care to share how things are going in this area.
I was wondering esp. for you Dagny if you have had some experiences that you have found as positive or forward moving.
anyway,
Here is my post:
I am doing well - had an interesting moment in the bathroom today, drying my hair in my undies and bra in front of the mirror. For the first time ever since I can remember (I have memories of self-hate for my body at age 5) I truly felt at peace with how my body looks. Even if I don't get plastic surgery (on my tummy, which has always been the area in the past that has troubled me most, and has some extra skin now), I actually feel very fine and find it lovely as it is. That was a surprising and really nice feeling.
Following that, I had a realization about how much body image obsession, either negative or positive, really is so self absorbed. I have known that for a long time, but suddenly really "got" that the only person my self-judgments hurt is me, and the only person that can give me the validation I want is me. I have tried to get external validation over my life, and no matter how much I get, it never "solves" or fulfills the need. And the way it can hurt others is if the people I love feel me suffering from it.
As I wrote a while ago, I have a new boyfriend, for a few months now, and have more frequently been spending time at his house. I decided when I started dating him not to talk about body image very much, if at all. Just to let him love me as I am, without questioning it or discussing it. And in doing that, realizing that the conversation about body image, if I were to have it, would be very uninteresting both for him and me, and no purpose other than fostering negative self image or having a boring conversation that is not giving love or care to anyone.
It's been an incredible journey for me, almost like a freefall, just to have that kind of "leap of faith" that I am fine just as I am. And in doing that, this morning I actually internalized it. Hooray!
Last edited by Grateful4Health; 10-27-2015 at 02:36 PM.
For me, it matters. It gives me confidence. I, also, have tummy issues so I worry a little about becoming obsessed with seeking perfection.
But I am still very happy where I am. And this is reflected in the relationships I make because self-confidence matters.
But then there is the but.
When you meet someone special, not necessarily the one, but someone special nevertheless there is a rapid transition from viewing outward beauty to the inner. And this is the foundation of love.
But people still need the self-confidence to make this happen because it's hard to start any relationship with a negative view of self. And so body image matters, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. Because love don't give a sh!t. But you may.
Yes Ian I follow what you are saying - at least I "think" I am following it - it's a deep area and yes, complex. And very individual.
This realization I described has been years in the making, to feel it genuinely within, and hard work emotionally, in a good way. Worth it.
And in regard to dating, quite a bit of trial and error and experiences that ran the gamut of ups and downs.
Yes, I feel that the body image is truly something that happens within - you have to feel OK about yourself.
And also I have come to terms with that I don't feel OK about myself unless I am at where I need to be in terms of health - I don't feel good heavier. I feel - well - heavier. Which carries an emotional weight for me. So part of me accepting myself has also be accepting that I truly am able to maintain this healthy weight - it's been a year at this weight - and that I can trust myself to take care of myself.
It's very difficult to write about these subjects as they are truly so complex and multi-layered. Not easy answers.
Last edited by Grateful4Health; 10-28-2015 at 01:36 PM.
Dating after losing alot of weight
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