"I'm going to have to pass"... rude or polite?
 

Does anyone else find this phrase rude or smug sounding?

I think its generally accepted as polite, but I don't think it is at all...I am wondering if I am the only one.

I have a family member that uses it all. the. time. But I've never said anything as I think she feels its a polite way of declining something.

I recently have been looking for some housekeeping help. Between the 3 kids, new one due and our house on the market, I am just not able to keep up on the house for showings. Anyway, I am using a site and apparently one of the girls there did not find what I needed to work for her. Any other decline would have sounded fine to me, "Sorry I am not looking for that type of work right now", "Sorry that does not fit my current schedule". Or even "My apologies, but I currently cannot fulfill the position you are in need of." I would have used anyone of those to decline a job offer.

Instead she wrote back. "I think I'm going to pass."....

This just sounds so freaking rude to me!!

Am I wacky for thinking that?!?:dizzy:

Hmmm...I can see how that phrase would come off as rude but I'm also hyper aware of these things (I work in public relations/communications so its kind of my job to analyze messaging and the way certain phrases can be interrupted). I don't think she meant it in a rude way but personally I would never use that phrase when declining a job offer.

No, I don't think it is rude. It is basically you had an opportunity that she is passing on. What is wrong with that?

It just sounds rude to me...If I were invited out with friends, I'd say "I can't that night, I'm sorry." Perhaps it is also that I feel it is professional communication to include an apology in a decline. But I do this with personal invites too. "I'm going to have to pass" sounds like something you do to dessert, not something you do in the work place. However I've had plenty of experience with professional positions, and I have never heard this used in that setting either. This women says in her profile she has been a homemaker for the past 20 something years and is just looking for some work. Ironically the family member that uses this phrase has never worked outside the home.

I don't like it in the personal setting (but I'm sure its fine in that way), but like NYFLAgirl said, I would never use it professionally!

Yep, that's what I thought the thread was going to be about! ha.

Rude, maybe not, but it certainly wasn't the most appropriate way to phrase her meaning. Also could come from lack of experience, which is probably quite common on that type of website for that type of work. Not that it's an excuse, just an explanation. Sounds like something a 15 year old would say without knowing any better.

Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking. I can see how its not rude (even though it strikes me that way) but its really not. But I guess it just felt very inappropriate in the given situation. I don't think she meant anything rude by it, but probably didn't know any better as you said.

I don't generally like it as a way to decline anything. I recently offered a gig to a fellow musician who replied "I think I'll pass" and it really did strike me as rude... rude enough that I'll never be offering a gig to him again lol. I wonder why it comes off as rude, technically it's a valid way of declining but it sort of seems like the person is saying "I am available but I just don't want to." When he could have said something definitive instead like "I can't, it doesn't fit into my schedule, I'm already booked" or something like that.

Life is too short to concern yourself with perceived intent, but I don't think anyone owes you an explanation on why they decide to not take a job. I would just assume it is not the right fit for them and move on.

This! I could quite put my finger on it, but this is it. It comes off just like you said, which is rude. Better to find a more acceptable reason.
BTW did you change your name? I have thought about doing the same someday, but I'm worried people wont know who I am! I haven't even changed my profile pic in all these years for that reason, but I was thinking of changing that someday too :)


I'm not concerned with this lady, although I would never hire her if she were to reach out saying she no longer wanted to pass lol...but I have heard this phrase elsewhere, and it just irks me! :p

I agree. I don't think it's at all rude to decline or "pass" without having to give "a better reason" (in other words, lie).

Men don't seem to have a problem with this. They can say no without explanation or justification without being considered rude, but women are taught to feel the need to justify their no, as if they don't have the right to decline unless they have a "good enough" reason.

I've leaned to be more honest ( male-like) in my responses, because my husband doesn't speak or understand "womanese."

I cant speak a polite lie, without my uber-honest husband correcting me. I've learned never to say, "We've got plans," because clueless hubby will say, "No we don't," or "What plans?"

I've tried explaining the polite "lady code" to him, but finally just gave up and stopped using excuses and lies as a way of being polite, and when that means "not explaining myself," so be it.

One great benefit has been no more guilt in saying no, and no more having to remember the excuses. It may not be considered as polite, but I think it's much more respectable and respectful of others and myself.

I can see why it would seem rude, and now I feel kind of bad because I use it all the time!!!

But, at the same time I think "I'll pass" is better than lying and saying "I'd love to but I can't" if you never would or didn't intend too.

I guess, for me, I always took it as "I appreciate the offer, but its not my thing and I don't think I'll benefit anyone going". It could also be where you live though... In my circle it's considered polite but it might not be used in the same way everywhere.

I will say though, as a decline to a job offer I wouldn't personally use it. I think its definitely a phrase that lends itself much better to casual conversation then professional.

I don't think it's rude, really.. but at the same time it's not something I'd use in a professional setting at all. Not necessarily because I'd find it rude, but because I view it more as a casual phrase (as SenseAndSensibility pointed out). Between friends I know I've heard the phrase often, and said it myself.. but that's with my friends, and we don't really hold anything back from each other.

I agree with Senseandsensibility "I think its definitely a phrase that lends itself much better to casual conversation then professional." Not that I would call out anyone who said it. If said at the wrong time it does come off like a snub.

There's a polite way and an impolite way of saying no. It's not a feminist issue. I do have higher social expectations of women than I do of men but that's not a gender issue imo. Women are just more capable of empathy and so I expect it. It's not that men are allowed to be more selfish, their minds just don't go that way poor things. I don't mind if someone passes on a piece of my homemade cheesecake, I don't take that kind of thing personally.

If someone makes a genuine offer of spending time together or going somewhere together it is rude to reply with a solitary "no thanks."

Yes I changed it. Wannabeskinny is not reflective of my IE principles and my ultimate goals.

Not a good way to decline a job offer but not worth getting knotted knickers. Life is short - don't fret the small things.

I think it can be chalked up to someone being less formal than you are. I agree, it's not the most polite way to decline something, but on the flip side of it, there are worse things that could have been said. Like it's been said...don't sweat the small stuff.

Truer words were never spoken. And I'm working on this one myself.

I agree that women's social skills tend to be more complex than men's, but that isn't necessarilly a virtue. If we weren't so adept at polite fictions, subtle jabs, backhanded compliments, thinly veiled insults, and prejudicial judgements l, we wouldn't need to ask "was this rude or polite?"

If you are wondering, chances are you're putting to much thought into it. Politeness shouldn't be a standard by which we judge others or ourselves rude for saying the less than perfect thing.

I've found that rudeness is something that you frequently find when you're looking for it, and rarely find when you're not, and when you do find it, the r he's no need to ask - it's obvious.

If the person meant to be polite, or even neutral, then they ARE being polite, because politeness is always about the effort and intention. Otherwise it's just a secret set of rules to judge others by. When in doubt, the polite thing to do is assume the best of intentions, or at least refrain from assuming the worst.

This.

I wouldn't agree with this. Men ARE rude in many cases and it is noticeable. We just hold women more accountable for it. The guy who said that to me in a professional manner was rude, it didn't matter whether it was a man or a woman who said it.

I think men are perfect.

I don't think its a man vs woman thing. Last time I checked DH is a man, and not rude or brainless in the communication department. He is also in a professional position. He does not have foot in mouth disease simple because he is male. If he did, I doubt we would have worked out as a couple. He is well thought out and expressed himself as such. He does manage to do it in fewer words than me though. I too have spent my life being the girl in the guy crowd. I didn't even have a bride's maid at my wedding, my best friend was male, and not gay, case anyone is wondering. I have always hung with the guys. Men have more direct communication, but they are not more rude. There is a difference. I don't excuse poor communication in men just because they are men, because the ones I have befriended over the years were still well spoken. But like I said, I've noticed they can say things in a less drawn out way.

*I* am not concerned about others using this professionally. I think in this little thread, this tiny sample of people, enough people have expressed it is not a professional phrase to give thought to there might be many people in the workforce that agree. I think it would be in an applicants best interest to not use that phrase, since it is not always received well.

On a personal level, I wouldn't use it because I wouldn't just tell so my friends "I don't feel like it"...some might think that's being "real" but I think its rude. Its a tiny bit of effort in my opinion to not sound like a donkey behind in the face of an invitation to something. I'm not someone that observes a lot of social graces by any means, but I have no issue using a different reply to something if it means sparing a few feelings. In the grand scheme of things, it seems worth it for people I care about. If its not something that bothers them, then it won't matter either way.

Hi, I agree too. I don't have the experience you do on that area but I can see how that could be taken as rude in a work scenario, any other scenario and it would have been most likely fine.

I can see why it sounds rude. It definitely DOES imply that the person doesn't have a reason for not doing it other than they don't want to. But when viewed objectively- why does anyone need to defend their reason for not doing something for you? So I'm with the others that say this is not worth getting upset over. Kaplods is right that it's become a societal norm for people to have to give a reason to say no, and the reality is that no one should have to defend themselves over that. A simple no should be okay. Maybe everyone should start doing this and a lot less white lies will be told. :)

This was exactly the point I was trying to make.


A refusal shouldn't be considered impolite simply because it comes without the "right" justification or because it wasn't worded in a way that is ideal to the requester.

I wasn't saying that men couldn't be considered rude, just that they're usually not considered rude (ESPECIALLY among each other) simply for declining an invitation or request.

Men aren't generally expected to justify and explain absolutely every decision (except sometimes by women in their lives). They can say no without having to have an elaborate or "important" reason that they're also obligated to share.

I think we still assume that men's time is more valuable than a woman's, so if they say, "I can't," we take them at their word, and assume their reasons, even if they're not offered are "good enough," but as women we're so often expected to provide proof.

There are men AND women who feel obligated to always say "yes," but women tend to be viewed more harshly for saying no, even WITH a good reason.

We can't just say no and keep our reasons private, we have to say. "I'd LOVE to, (whether we mean it or not) and then prove it by listing our reasons AND make up for it in some way, such as offering future service.

Sure a no given with a scowl or a profanity is rude, but why isn't a simple no considered polite. Why don't we just assume that a woman would help if she could, so if she says no, she has a good reason and the right to keep her reasons to herself, even from a good friend.

To me, it seems like a person should give everyone, but especially friends and family the benefit of the doubt, and accuse rudeness only when there's strong evidence of hostile intent.

Heck, no!
Do you think I have nothing better to do?
You want me to do what, are you out of your mind?

Those are rude.




No, Thank you.
I'll have to pass.
I'd rather not.

Those shouldn't be considered rude (whether coming from a man or woman) unless they're accompanied by an overtly hostile tone or nasty facial expressions such as unmistakable stinkeye/eyerolling....



Rudeness should be a term reserved for ill intent, not something that can be easily done unintentionally.

If you have any doubt that the words or actions were meant with ill will, then I think it's unfair to call rudeness.

Standards of etiquette also vary tremendously from culture to culture, and even subculture to subculture, so unless you know the person shares your own version of proper behavior, judging others for what they might have meant, is ridiculous.

Personally, I believe that in any situation in which asking a person for their reasons would seem rude, then it's also rude in that situation to expect the person to give their reason.

In most situations, I think an unexplained no (coming from a man or woman) should suffice without attaching any judgement.

If you don't trust your friends to say no for good reasons, then they're not really your friends; and if you require them to prove their reasons good enough, you're not really theirs.

I don't see irony here...
Or is this Alannis Morisette styled irony? Does she specify the kind of work she is looking for as being a homemaker for hire? Or is she just looking for work?

Anyways, not the phrasing I would use but it doesn't seem impolite to me. Personally I would just say "No thank you" as it is a less verbose version of the same thing.

I don't see irony either, but I can see why women who are homemakers might be more likely to use the phrase rather than the others OP suggested and said she would have preferred -

Homemakers and women who work from home (as well as women who are retired or otherwise not working outside the home) often are made to feel that their time is not as valuable as that of men and women working outside the home - or at the very least that their schedule is so flexoble that they should be more able to say yes (or more obligated to justify their no).

Even though I had studied this (BA & MA psychology degrees), I didn't experience this myself until I became disabled, and had certain friends and family members (and occasionally even casual acquaintences) asking me to run errands "because I was free," and being surprised and even offended that I couldn't always say yes.

Once I was even asked, "couldn't you reschedule?" when my reason for being unable to accept a social invitation was a doctor's appointment (the event wasn't a funeral or wedding, or even a birthday, just a casual lunch with a family member who lives only 30 minutes away).

I did consider that a bit rude, but from it and similar experiences I learned that when you're schedule is your own, many people expect more from you, and some (without seeming to realize it) expect you to be at their beck and call unless you have an excuse that is a cut above the excuses ordinarily deemed sufficient for people with "real jobs."

As a defense, I think many of us have learned to stop giving reasons (especially to those who aren't close friends and family members) simply because no reason is guaranteed to be deemed good enough.

I can understand how someone might be offended when a close friend or family member would give an unexplained refusal, but in an email, from a stranger on a job search site? Or even a coworker or casual acquaintance?

"I'll have to pass," might not be the most professional, sophisticated, or ingratiating response, but I'd hardly expect that of someone posting for odd jobs on a job-search site.

I think it sounds rude because it's text on the screen rather than a verbal conversation. Things can sound much more rude than people intend.

Wow so many generalizations. My head is going to explode.

I wouldn't have considered it rude or unprofessional at all. Maybe it's just a more common phrase in certain areas?

Only if it was typed as follows:
"i thnk i wll hv3 2 pss"

I have never looked at any book and automatically assumed it to be rude. Text can easily convey intent when written well and is found in context. No emoticons and lol's required.

Personally, going off of what Kaplods said earlier, I don't find that men get a way with it any more than woman do, nor do I feel that their no is more valued or that their is more pressure. But maybe thats just my area and my social groups.

I agree that it sounds rude. It's kind of a flippant way of saying no.