[preetyladyserenity]

I am not the one to post drama on forums but I really need support right now. I need to give you some background so be patient with me...

8 months ago I moved in with my fiance in his home town. His home town is 2.5 hours away by bus from mine and what led to our decision was the fact that his job was well-paid, I was currently unemployed and his home town had better job opportunities. So I went there, did my PR, I am currently working two jobs in the afternoons (tutor and babysitter) and I tried to built my life all over again. At first I had no friends but then I discovered this nice pilates group where I go every day and work-out and started meeting new people.

To make long things short, 2 months ago my fiance started behaving weird. He was distant, stopped trying to talk with me, did not want to go out with me and any signs of affection stopped. When I tried talking to him, he simply said it was due to his friend recently passing away and he asked me to be patient and said he loved me. Two days ago we were planning to go to my parents for a 4-day trip (it's a 4-day holiday in my country this weekend) when he said he did not want to come with me, he could no longer lie - he simply wasn't in love with me anymore. He then told me he has spoken to our landlord and arranged for the furniture we had bought together to be sold to him so I won't have to pay rent for the next 5 months (My tutoring contract ends in 5 months and would be renewed again). He, then, took his stuff and move back to his mother's house.

Now I want to make a thing clear. I am angry, not sad for losing him as I feel his behaviour was childish and irresponsible. I feel betrayed (yes I do love him but I think this is very low), however I am at a state of panic. I have to live in a big house on my own for 5 months and my friends and family live 2.5 hours away. I don't have people I can trust in his hometown and I am absolutely scared. In addition I am scared I might go back to binge eating since I tend to do that when I am depressed. I don't feel motivated to go exercising nor plan meal for myself only.

I seriously don't know what to do. I am seriously panicking right now and any words of support or planning will do me good.

[Zeitgeist]

So, if I am understanding you correctly, before he left, he made sure your rent was paid up until your contract expired? If so, that was pretty thoughtful of him.

It seems your anxiety is over living alone and making good food choices, not about paying bills, yes? If that is the case, you could embrace this opportunity to do whatever you wanted. Oftentimes, when we are in a relationship, we plan our free time and activities around our partner. You now can pursue any interest and take advantage of this new community to your heart's desire. You can exercise at any time of day, or try a new way of eating that your ex may not have liked. Yes, it an be frightening to be alone, but it is also empowering.

If, in five months when your contract expires, you want to move back home, at least you would have had this independent experience. I know it must seem scary right now, but in my own experience, some of the best moments of my life came from tragedies or unplanned events.

[mothermavis]

Go to Pilates, go to work. Don't binge and let someone elses choice ruin all your hard work!

Did you sign a contract for the house? It sounds like he did all the deciding and you don't have to live there if you don't want to, but if you like it there, fine, stay ! Time to spread your wings and live YOUR life. You can do it.

[lin43]

First, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know you said you aren't sad, but surely that feeling will arise and is probably underneath your anger (it's just that anger is dominating right now). After all, you just lost a relationship that you had planned on having for the rest of your life. That is hard, and you have a perfect right to feel what you are feeling.

Now, about your current situation: I agree with mothermavis. For now, just put one foot in front of the other and do your routine as usual. Do this for a month or so to see how it feels. I can completely understand how frightening it can be to live alone in a new place, especially when that wasn't your original plan. However, think about it this way: This might be a great opportunity to learn about yourself. I believe we experience personal growth when we have to face challenges. This is a challenge for you, but who says that you cannot meet it? Just because you're not used to living alone doesn't mean that you're not good at it. Also, think of all the single women out there who live alone and love it. Spread your wings a bit. Invite one of the ladies from pilates out to coffee. Look in the paper for some groups you might join (e.g., a book discussion at your library, a knitting club, etc.---whatever your hobby is). I know this sounds hokey and maybe stupid, but try it.

After a month or two, if you still feel as you do, contact a good friend or family member from your hometown to see about getting some help moving back. Don't panic. There's always the option to move back home.

Many people have to start over again, and they survive. You can, too!!

[mars735]

You sound like a strong and independent person. Life throws curve balls, and it threw you a great big one. As the other posters have said so well, this can be an opportunity, even along with the loss. Frankly, it's better to have found out now that it wasn't going to work than to get further into it.

It takes a time to process a big loss. Be patient with yourself. You may decide that moving here was a good thing--sounds like you are making some connections and there are more job opportunities.

Btw...what happened is no reflection on your lovable-ness! Although he didn't have the maturity to be more inclusive in the planning, it sounds like he cares about you. You will find someone else worthy of your affection if that is what your heart desires.

I hope you'll keep coming here to get support and let us know how you're doing.

[Palestrina]

I'm sorry you're going through this. There is no good way to break up with someone however I will disagree with you that he was being selfish. He made sure that your rent would be paid for a few months, he was upfront and honest with you and then he got out of your way. It sounds like a clean break to me and that's the best kind in my opinion. Believe me, you don't want someone around who's sitting on a fence and pulling your strings. Sometimes when people move in together the dynamic changes and people rethink the relationship, it's all very normal and healthy. One day you'll look back on this and understand that he did the right thing.

You are under no obligation to stay there of course, you could pack up and go home right now eventhough there might be some consequences to that regarding references from your employer. If you do decide to take these next few months for yourself try to feel the sadness and anger and then let go of them slowly, care for yourself and do things YOU want to do.

It's hard for me to understand why people are afraid to be away from their loved ones. I jump at those opportunities myself. Don't you want new experiences? What a great chance to grow into your own and make new opportunities. Enjoy it!