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01-27-2015, 11:31 AM
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#16
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 674
S/C/G: 170/165/145
Height: 5'7
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kudos to cooking healthy for the family. It is time consuming and it takes a lot of research!
Sorry I skimmed a bit, but it sounds like he's addicted to bad foods. You notice folks here talk about how when they cut it out, they don't crave the fatty nasty foods anymore. I don't know how he eats at work or out of the house, but it sounds like he is sneaking in fast food.
You can't force him to change, but remind him of his health and longevity so he will be able to be healthy with his children and future grandchildren. It's not worth getting diabetes and all the other health problems associated with obesity.
Maybe ask him for some suggestions, and lighten them up a bit. Then perhaps he will feel more "accommodated". When I cook I have done very well making things taste good to myself and my hubby (with many trial and errors) but I will ask him what he wants, and do my best to lower the calorie count by using substitutes. IE...alfredo sauce I blend up cottage cheese with garlic and onions..and other spices rather than using cream and butter. I make him regular noodles, and I eat spaghetti squash or the lower calorie noodles. I know it's a pain in the butt, alas it keeps him happy! Good luck!
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01-27-2015, 11:39 AM
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#17
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I AM healthy!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Mt
Posts: 2,095
S/C/G: 270/196.2/135
Height: 5'4
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GlamourGirl827
First of all wtg on your success with eating healthy and cooking for your family, and losing weight!!
Your doing great!
It is sad when spouses can not be on the same page.
My husband is very supportive of my weight loss efforts and my effort to have our family eat healthier. His body requirements are different though then mine. He can get away with alot more carbs then I can.
He is 5'10, and 165 lbs, never had a weight problem.
He happily eats whatever I prepare.
His feet and ankles give him alot of issues though so he does not usually walk with me unless it is a short distance, like a 10 minute walk to the park and back.
He does go to stores with me though.
Sometimes he will ride bikes with the kids, but I don't ride.
I know for me food wise what has worked best is calorie counting.
No foods are really off limits. I just have to manage my treat meals and dessert's.
I eat healthy foods, but I also eat alot of foods that some people may think are not so healthy.
I still love pasta and meat balls and french bread with butter, pizza, fried foods, etc.
For me the fried foods needs to happen twice a month and that's it.
I make most of my breads and doughs from scratch.
I calorie count and portion everything out.
If I want enchiladas, beans and rice, I have it.
We have bean, beef and cheese burritos frequently. I make spanish rice and make beans. I make my own tortilla dough. Or some times we do corn tortillas. I calorie count and decide how many calories to eat and how many carbs to have, etc.
Alot of times I skip the sour cream, but I always add in 1 oz of cheese. I make my own salsa. Sometimes I add avocado.
I have been able to lose weight and get healthier, but I am eating all the foods I love, just less of them.
I love having chicken, veggie, rice, but if that was all I felt I could eat for dinner every night, I would go crazy.
A few nights a week we will do chicken thighs or chicken breast, mashed potatoes, a garden salad, and/or veggies.
I used to do brown rice, but I don't like it much.
I enjoy salad, I usually do romaine, lettuce, cucumber, sometimes carrots, toss in some spinach and kale. I will do 1 oz of cheese and measure 1 TBS of blue cheese dressing.
Alot of times I make home made wheat bread, or white bread, or rolls.
I just try to keep an eye on how many carbs per meal.
My goal is usually 45 carbs for lunch or dinner, but sometimes I go over.
The tricky thing with your family is you are the one who cooks.
In my family, I am the one who cooks.
I am happy with what I cook and what I eat.
My plan works for me. I still have more weight to lose so I may need to adjust as I get further along.
My family is happy too.
I don't know what to say about your husband.
IMO it may be better for him to have a plan.
Like maybe 1 day a week he can eat whatever he wants, but the other days need to be on plan.
The hard thing is he needs to enjoy the foods he is eating.
Is he open to maybe cooking himself some food that he does like, but practicing portion control?
I was going to say send him for an annual check up and let them tell him he is overweight, and needs to do something, etc, but it sounds like he already knows.
I will add in I am on my second marriage.
We have been together for 10 years.
I am 40.
My first husband would be 2 1/2 years older then me. (We did divorce.)
If he were still alive.
He was morbidly obese, wound up with heart valve disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.
He wound up passing on at 35 years of age.
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01-27-2015, 01:01 PM
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#18
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,206
S/C/G: 189/186.8/160 (restart)
Height: 5'5"
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So, I was in a similar situation. But my BF heard from a friend from work that he was losing weight doing X. Then someone else made a bet about running a 5K in town later. Suddenly, the BF, who had see me lose weight, be healthy, exercise almost every day, do long-distance riding, eat out healthy....
NOW he was willing to change his entire life to lose the weight. And he lost 60 lbs.
Nothing I did convinced him, necessarily. It was his buddies at work that put him on the straight and narrow.
Long story short (if you TLDR): Maybe you can get his friends to help you out in that department. Maybe he can't hear from you because you're his wife. But if his friends at work, his family, his old college buddies (whomever) are also on a healthkick, they may influence him to do the same thing.
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01-27-2015, 05:03 PM
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#19
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 83
S/C/G: 272/192/140
Height: 5'7"
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Hi GG, are you sure you are not married to my DH? LOL
I could have written your post nearly word for word except our children are on their own.
I have given up trying to convince DH to eat my healthy cooking and go for a daily walk with me. He also needs to lose 100 lbs and is on MANY medications. I just gave up after 40 years of marriage.
I am a lot calmer.
Last edited by thinin08; 01-27-2015 at 05:04 PM.
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01-28-2015, 06:11 PM
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#20
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Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,862
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Thank you all for your replies. This has definitely grown into a very big situation from my end, but I suspect the feeling isn't mutual. I don't think this is nearly as upsetting to DH, but why would it be?
Today I have been unusually tired. Yesterday I did an hour on the bike, and I treat it like my own personal spin class, so by the time I'm done I am wiped and soaked in sweat. Then I went out side and shoveled snow. Yes, I shoveled snow, this seems to be something that people don't think a pregnant woman should do. But I am in very good shape and was careful, and fine. But today, I feel like I needed a rest day and took it. As dinner rolled around I just didn't want to cook it, but I started it. It was basic, grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and roast spaghetti squash. I asked DH to help because I am tired.
I told him to cut up the broccoli and have to give a step by step on how to steam it. Then I asked him to butterfly the chicken which I have showed him how to do in the past so he did, while I was cutting and cleaning and prepping the spaghetti squash. So he is like, I want to bread the chicken....ok, I didn't argue, he's not my kid, and I'm not trying to control every meal...I was out of the kitchen doing something with the kids for a second, I came back and said you can just use a little milk to coat it (I'm also thinking of fat because of my gallbladder) and he's like, well I already used egg...ok, whatever, not like egg vs milk matters, so I didn't say anything...then he's like I'm just going to put a little oil in the pan...so I say "you mean to deep fry the chicken?"...no, he says, like when you brush some on the grilled chicken...I do, I brush a little on before grilling, but its breaded so he doesn't need to do that. I told him that's not the same as a pool of oil in the pan and what he is going to do is fry it. But he insists that he is not frying its just a little coating in the pan...I just got so mad, I asked him how the **** did you turn a completely healthy meal in crap? (Oh I forgot to mention, that since he doesn't like spaghetti squash he decided to make a box of mac n cheese...something I don't buy, but its one of those things that he will go to walmart and stock up on (that, white sugar and chocolate syrup, but not real groceries)....This is just so annoying. I feel like sometimes he keeps trying to infect this family with his issues. I don't; see it any different as if he were puffing away on a cigarette in the living room, exposing all to second hand smoke. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose so I won't ask him to help cook again. I don't even know how to approach this with him.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 01-28-2015 at 06:15 PM.
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01-29-2015, 05:12 AM
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#21
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 674
S/C/G: 170/165/145
Height: 5'7
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Sounds frustrating alright. Times like those, maybe to meet in the middle, he can eat his chicken like that, and the rest of you guys have grilled. Not sure if that will cause an issue with the kids...but just because he want's deep fried doesn't mean you have to eat yours the same!
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01-29-2015, 09:22 AM
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#22
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Michelle the Vegan
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Bliss-a-go-go!
Posts: 5,410
S/C/G: >207/under goal/150
Height: ~5'9" of Snark
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I keep thinking I know what I would do, but having children in the mix so totally changes it for me -- and I don't have kids myself -- so I'm not sure what I would do other than I'd want to tear my hair out for sure.
I will say that I doubt he wants to infect the family, but that he is under the spell of what he wants so strongly that it clouds his judgment. I mean, I know what it is to make bad choices that impact my health, and I KNOW they are impacting my health, and yet go right on making those same bad choices.
Sorry GG, it is very hard. <<<hugs>>>
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01-29-2015, 09:33 AM
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#23
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,607
S/C/G: 215/188/150
Height: 5'4"
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Looking at it from an IE perspective it sounds like he is being rebellious about the food you want him to eat. Rebellious eating only has one source of fuel and that's restriction. Perhaps he feels like you are trying to control his eating. I know you said that he eats whatever he wants for breakfast and lunch which logically should mean that he shouldn't have any gripes at dinner but done people are extremely sensitive to restriction and it could be why he's squirming at dinner. Just a thought.
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01-29-2015, 10:52 AM
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#24
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,206
S/C/G: 189/186.8/160 (restart)
Height: 5'5"
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Maybe you need to also tell him that the issue isn't healthy or unhealthy, but that the fats are going to affect your gallbladder (medical issue, not emotional or relationship issue) and that because you're pregnant (medical issue, not emotional or relationship issue) you need to make sure that you have his support on food so that the baby stays safe and you don't need an emergency gallbladder surgery because you had an attack (medical issue).
Maybe the way around him and his emotional (possibly, passive aggressive response to your request for help) response to food (if Palestrina is correct about the rebellion side of it) is to take it out of the emotional groundfield.
This is not about whether he is over weight or not healthy (emotional responses) but more about medical issues (gallbladder, pregnancy) and thus, this becomes more "scientific" and less emotional than what it might have been like before.
The other way to handle it is to say (calmly, not in a moment of frustration) that you're seeing that he's unhappy with the dinner choices. And that you're happy to cook only for yourself and the kids, and he can cook for himself since you feel (key word) that he's not happy with your menu choices.
Maybe he'll realize how this is affecting you if you're now basically saying that you give up on trying to make dinner for him.
Maybe you can compromise -- so he's happy too -- that you cook 5 days a week, and he gets to cook on the weekends for the whole family. So, he has to make food you can eat (medical issues) and that the kids can eat as well (balanced, with vegetables not lathered in cheese) and he can have a choice on the menu (rather than eating whatever you are deciding to make -- he becomes part of the decision making of his dinner/lunch).
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01-29-2015, 10:57 AM
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#25
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Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,202
S/C/G: 133.4/123.2/115
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I would be completely annoyed too, but I'm a little bit of a control freak in the kitchen. I admit that. I have had to learn to really relax my expectations of having everyone eat exactly the same. All I need to do is make sure that my child is getting enough vegetables, and I try not to worry too much about what my fiance will eat.
What I had to do when my fiance moved in was sit down and say, "hey, what do you like?" I knew most of the foods that he likes (pizza and wings!), but I wanted to know how I could incorporate all of our tastes into healthy meals that we can all enjoy, including the little one. Every once in a while we sit down together and I jot down a few ideas for the week's dinners.
If your husband likes breaded chicken, can you bread chicken sometimes? If you use an egg white wash, use a better breadcrumb, and bake, it's really not too bad. Kind of like this or this.
I know in my family, pizza night is always welcome - high fiber/low carb pita bread, homemade marinara, cabot 75% low calorie cheese, with a variety of toppings. Tacos are similar in that everyone can personalize them from taco salad to quesadillas. We probably do a pizza night and a taco night once a month.
We also tend to eat variations on the same meal. If I pull out zucchini/turkey meatballs from the freezer, my little one might eat pasta, I might eat zoodles, and my fiance may eat a meatball sub. If I pull a chili (with plenty of veggies cooked into it) from the freezer, my little one wants to eat it with tortilla chips, my fiance wants it on a hot dog, and I'll eat it as is.
About once a week my fiance takes the reigns and marinates and grills or cooks whatever meat he'd like - usually chicken thighs, but sometimes steak (last week a whole duck and beef shins!) and I make it a meal by roasting a few different kinds of vegetables to go along with it.
Last edited by Munchy; 01-29-2015 at 10:59 AM.
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01-29-2015, 12:29 PM
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#26
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Call me NNS!
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 2,569
S/C/G: 232.6/169.4/149
Height: 5'5"
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I can relate to this in a lot of ways, though I don't have kids and I am sure that seriously complicates your situation in a way mine is much less complicated. And, over time, my boyfriend and I have come to a lot of compromises (and he has on his own adapted a healthier lifestyle).
I can't imagine the emotional distress this is causing you, and with another baby on the way, I think you really need to hash this out with your husband. He needs to know how you're feeling and you need to work together on a compromise. That may mean letting your husband cook one meal a week for the family (1 unhealthy meal out of 21 in a week will not be the end of the world). It may mean keeping some quick options on hand that your husband can add to the meals you make or have instead (I keep Green Giant frozen sides for my bf).
If it weren't such an emotional issue for you, I would agree with Ian. Your husband may not enjoy it but he isn't vocally complaining, and hopefully, in time, he'll find his own motivation to seek a healthier lifestyle. But no matter what you do or say, that can't be forced.
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01-31-2015, 03:02 PM
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#27
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Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,862
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Thank you all for your replies!! I wanted to give an update. As many of you have said, having kids does complicate things. I approach hubby but in a way I had never done.
I told him I want to make him a doctor appt. because we know as of like 2 years ago he was borderline diabetic and he needs to get a 1 hour GTT and probably Ha1c checked to see if he is now diabetic and needs meds.
He said there's no point, he just needs to lose weight (he's been saying this for almost 10 years). I just flat out said, you aren't going to do it. You been saying it, and make no effort. Its not like you keep trying but aren't successful, you don't do anything food or exercising to even try, with the exception of last year. He lost about 40 pounds in 3 months with minimal changes and exercise, but I told him, you were not able to maintain any of that weight loss. You exampled that it wasn't a life style change for you. You gained it all back. But I told him, he doesn't set goals, he always has an excuse and just forget trying to lose weight. Go in, get checked, if you need meds, go on them and start managing your diabetes. If you can't make the effort to lose weight to be healthy for your family, you can at least manage the diseases it will cause. You owe the kids that much.
He didn't argue. And after about 15 minutes he said he didn't know I cared (Huh?!?!?!?!, we've only been over this a million times). And that he would start exercising. So when the baby went down for a nap, he used the treadmill and I used the bike trainer, so we exercised together during the baby's nap. Afterwards we talked and I said, don't worry about diet yet. He and I have discussed the huge impact exercise has on lowering blood sugar. Also one of his excuses for not exercising was not enough energy, but he knows, because he admits it when we talk, that if he started exercising he'd have more energy. I know some people are in the camp of diet before exercise, but hubby and I both agree the exercise is the main key to health in most cases.
So he agreed to focus on just exercise for now. I told him, just set an attainable goal, 30 mins 3x week, if you can do more/longer, do it, but if not just keep that goal. And he wants to work on adding at least 1x week weight training. I said do that for the next 3 months or longer. Past the birth of the baby which is going to make sticking to it tough. Work on making exercise a part of you life so that its not a bandwagon you have to get on. It needs to be a life style. And after some time, we can revisit diet. One thing at a time.
Did he continue to over eat yesterday, yes. But its an off limits subject for now. I will do my best to work around his unhealthy eating and not talk about it or draw attention to it for now. He seems ok with just focusing on exercise and addressing diet down the road, and I think that's great! I'm hoping he is able to make activity a regular part of his life, then he can start to modify his diet as needed for weight loss....I told him, to **** with vanity, I just want him to be healthy. He does have a huge issue with food addiction, so I know that is not going to be easy but if exercising is firmly a part of his life, then he can move forward with that victory when trying to change his diet a bit. I also expect the exercise will result in weight loss so that too will be a boost for him.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 01-31-2015 at 03:07 PM.
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02-01-2015, 03:19 AM
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#28
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 674
S/C/G: 170/165/145
Height: 5'7
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Babysteps!
I wish it was that easy to drop 40 pounds with minimal effort too! Men really don't realize how easy it is for them to lose weight!
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02-01-2015, 10:47 AM
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#29
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Home of the Pirates, Steelers and Penguins
Posts: 12,317
S/C/G: 217/179/142
Height: 5'2
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GG, it's great that DH has started exercising. Maybe in time it will become second nature to him and become a lifestyle change. With Diabetes, exercise is so important, and well as a carb controlled diet, which can come once exercise has become a way of life for him. He needs to know that the risks associated with diabetes are real...loss of eyesight, loss of limbs and cannot be reversed once you have them.
You are doing a wonderful thing for your kids, cooking healthy meals that they enjoy and setting a good example for them. At least your husband is eating the healthy foods you prepare and not complaining, unless asked directly. I believe in time his tastes could change and he will enjoy healthy eating and lose his cravings for junk food. In the meantime, he is at least eating the healthy foods you prepare. That's a start. Don't let his comments offend you. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he is making an effort. Maybe once he starts to lose some weight he will see that this is the best thing for him.
Good luck to you!
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