How do you deal with Thanksgiving when you really aren't feeling it? It's 2 weeks away and I'm dreading it to the very core of my being. I'm going to probably write a book here so here's the condensed version:
TL;DR: I'm dreading going to my Mom's house for Thanksgiving due to her increasingly bizarre behavior, the hoarding that is going on at her house AND the guest list. Anybody else in the same boat? Advice please! What do you do to cope with similar situations? How do you get through your not so jolly holidays?
Long story: My father died a couple of years ago. He knew his days were numbered and he left my Mom set up financially which she has quickly destroyed. She has joined what I equate to a cult. It is a way out there church and when she started going it was "they are a bunch of weirdos but they need my help playing the organ until they get a new organ player." Now she's all "the brothers are taking such good care of me (such as giving her $100 a month to drive people to/from 10ish church services a week, when it costs her easily at least $600/month to haul these people around hat she does not have to do so).
She has needed surgery for over a year because she can barely walk but now at her church's advice she's "waiting for God to heal her." She's had this foot issue and now her doctor told her she has a "veinous insufficiency" which means that she has to restrict standing or sitting in one position for too long, lay with her feet above her heart and wear support hose to help with the blood pooling. She can have surgery to fix this but she won't due to "waiting for God to heal her". My father was a minister and pastored a church for over 20 years. I am no stranger to church. This one seems so bizarre though.
She constantly says she is "completely and totally alone" and I say "you are not alone, you have plenty of people who love you and care about you - US!" but instead of making the trip to see her grandkids, she drives around all these people who are able bodied but do not work for fear of losing their welfare benefits. That is literally what they are telling her as the reasons they cannot work. She's 70 years old and despite the financial security my dad left her, she has burned through the life insurance money and ran up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debit "helping" these people at her church. She is "helping" them to the point that she is in the poor house and no longer able to make the minimum payments on the credit cards and pay her utilities, eat, etc. I have tried talking to her about this more than once and it doesn't go over well. She's making decisions that are jeopardizing her future financially speaking.
She went to get a home equity loan and they said "no way, file bankruptcy, there is nothing anyone can take from you". My sister and I have begged and pleaded her to just file bankruptcy and get out from under this debt so she can enjoy her retirement. She has been trying to get a job instead. Anyway, I realize that 70 years old means many things and some of you reading this may be 70+ years old and able to work, work out, go mountain climbing, whatever. I know that age is just a number, but her health is very poor and she in particular really should not be working. Regardless, she recently found a job that is going to equal 12 hour days (4 hour total bus ride there & back and a 8 hour work day). She starts in a couple days (with no in-person interview?!) and is super excited about it. I'm terrified for her. I pray we are not going to be burying her soon over this. Seriously, with the blood pooling in her legs there is a real chance she's going to get a blood clot from sitting on a bus four hours a day that could very well kill her.
She seems to have some dementia. I don't know for sure and I have no way of proving it. She acts bizarre sometimes but is not to the point of actually being a hazard to herself or others.
I get a text a couple of days ago "I just want to inform you that you now have a brother because I adopted a young man (35 years old) from church because we both have no one and he's coming to Thanksgiving". Inside... I am dying. I have a hard time going to her house because of the clutter. She's a hoarder and while it's not out of control like on TV, it is enough to be exhausting when I'm over there. She just has way, way too much stuff. Anyway, my family is 6 people and there is just no room. She's invited my uncles, this "adopted" guy from her church, my sister and her daughter. It's a small trailer and it's going to be super crowded. I did offer to host Thanksgiving a few weeks ago but it was shot down.
I need to make sure this guy is on the level and not just another person trying to run her in the ground which I imagine is the case. A whole lot of that is going on with this church; people needing rides 100 miles away multiple times a week and instead of saying "no, I can't take you" she puts gas on her credit cards and gives more than she can reasonably bear to give. If your kid is sick she will go to the pharmacy and charge all of their prescriptions even though she tells me she cannot afford $4 for some glue. Her heart is in the right place. She is making POOR financial decisions and it's coming to a head.
My husband says we should just stay home. We do have the big Thanksgiving dinner here with the kids anyway because he wants the kids to have fond memories here and come back with their families when they are grown. But, I have to go check this guy out. I am hoping he is just a normal guy who has no family and not another whack job who's going to see what she can do for him and buy for him.
That's my situation. What's yours? I just want some advice on what to do. I did offer to host it because that is easier for me emotionally/mentally but that was shot down. I realize that she has adopted all these people as her "new family" and you know, that is hurtful because she has an "old family" who would love for her to spend the time /energy pursuing a relationship with us and we don't want her money (that she doesn't have anyway). I'm stressed out. I'm sad. I'm requesting your advice. If you're in the same boat, how do you deal with the holiday drama? Thanks for reading.
I'm sorry. I had a difficult time with T-Day and my mom, but that was just not even in the same universe as your problems. I don't have any advice, but hang in there!
I too have issues with holidays, but they are not like yours. My mother is mentally ill but she and the rest of my family were abusive, so I do not contact them. However, they forced themselves into my life, so when I do have to see them, around this time - I just see holiday occasions as something (potentially) a little unbearable that I have to grin and bear through. Its not the happiest way to deal with things, however, on the plus side its not really an opportunity to gain weight - there is no joy eating. Maybe it will help to tell yourself that awkwardness kills appetite.
Thank you, Pixelllate. Grin and bear it may be the only solution here. I cannot think of any other options. I hope your holidays go as well as can be expected.
Oh man. That is ALOT to deal with. I'm sending you strength, strength, strength and hugs, hugs, hugs. I have a close family relative who is a hoarder, there isn't much we can do about it (and we've tried and tried and tried), and it is horrible to be around. But that seems like the least of the issues you're facing.
I lean towards agreeing with your husband, as hard as it is. What could you really do if you don't like this guy she's adopted anyway? And really, it seems unlikely he will be "on the level". But your mom is an adult, and she's not taking your advice anyway.
Unless you and your family want to look into trying getting her to willingly sign over power of attorney so you (or a sibling) can safeguard her finances (doesn't sound likely based on what you've said) or you want to pursue having her legally declared incompetent so someone can get guardianship and protect her from these people (can be a long painful process), you will be beating yourself against a stone wall.
I'm not saying you should abandon her to these cretins. I'm saying Thanksgiving may not be the right time to try to get a handle on this horrible situation.
There aren't really alot of good choices here, but I'm going to lean towards the "greater good" and say spend Thanksgiving with your husband and children creating good memories and don't make yourself miserable and stressed by going to your mom's.
After the holiday maybe a serious discussion with your siblings (is it just your sister?) about what to do. You could talk to a lawyer maybe? It's so hard, I know. But what other option do you have but to try?
I hope I've said nothing to offend, I know you are making excruciating decisions here and my heart goes out to you.
Oh my that's a lot to deal with, here I thought I was going to be reading a thread that said "How do I control myself around the mashed potatoes at Tday??" and yet I read this heartbreaking story about your Mom. I'm sorry you're going through this. My only thought is that losing a spouse can be difficult and it doesn't sound like it's easy for her. She may be feeling lonely and reaching out to this "church" for companionship.
I don't understand though, does she not want to be part of your and your sister's lives? It sounds like she's pushing you away by refusing all your help and advice and adopting a new family. Has your relationship with her changed or was it always like this?
I'm with MrsSnark, I would take legal action in whatever capacity you can. If you feel like the people she is cavorting with are taking advantage of her and she is making irrational decisions then she may very well be suffering with an ailment like dementia. Can you take her to the doctor? Does she have insurance?
Which ever way you choose to spend the holiday, that's up to you.
As far as your mother, and the strange things going on, if you are not comfortable with approaching your Mom, there should be a local office of aging or office of adult protective services, or similar agencies depending on where you live, that you can report what is going on and they will investigate. Where I live, they won't tell who reported the concern, so that lets you off the hook.
I've been through this, and it's not a pretty process, but, in the end, it was worth it for the protection, of someone, who needed it.
Sounds to me like you have a case for elder abuse! Report it, if you get ignored, report it again, and again.
Been there done that! The agencies are there, sometimes a bit of a pain to deal with, but if you keep at it, they will finally, get involved, and help, and you don't have to be the bad guy.
I'd be spending thanksgiving with my husband and kids. Your mom seems like a very sick woman, and given what you've told us about the new people she hangs around with, I'd worry about the safety of my kids being around one of these people.
I second (or third, or fourth) what previous posters have said about trying to get some kind of guardianship of her, if only so that her financial mess can get cleared up. Does she not realize that her children will potentially inherit her debt?
Talk to your siblings and see what they think and what they want to do. Good luck!
Thanksgiving - how do you deal?
hang in there!
