[rubidoux]

It's a week from today and he's very keyed up and nervous. So far, it's been a yucky divorce and he feels like he has no control over the important things in his life.

Anyhow, my first Q is -- once the hearing (or trial? I'm not even sure what it's called) is over, when does the judge make or announce the decision? Could it be the same day?

And, second Q, is there anything I can do to help him through it? We've only just barely started dating and I don't know him that well, so I'd like to do something comforting/supportive/to show I'm thinking about him but I feel like we're not at a point in our, uhhh, friendship that I want to be too close to it.

[nationalparker]

A few things - don't count on the hearing actually occurring on the date set. They're quite often delayed, often over and over. Decisions often do not happen on the same day, same week or same month.

It's hard to not get embedded in worry with things that, in essence, are out of our control ... so I can understand his worry and it might just occupy his mind for a great deal of time heading into it.

[PatLib]

Just be comforting, typically family/divorce court is the one of the few areas that unfairly skews towards women and men can get screwed.

Just do not work him up though, like even if it is an unfair ruling don't say things like "you got screwed" or say anything negative about his ex-wife. I know that is the inclination to be comforting but I would just say something like "right now there are a lot of hurt feelings; maybe in year you can renegotiate custody when you have some distance." Try to be positive and hopeful in your comforting.

[rubidoux]

Thanks, you guys. I'm nervous for him. And he seems pretty sure that he's gonna get a decision the same day. I don't know if his lawyer told him that or what, but I hope that doesn't turn into a disappointment.

[thechemistmommy]

I work for Children's Division in my state...same-day decisions are really pretty rare in contested cases, although not unheard of. He'll probably be notified by mail and that can take even longer. If he does hear the same day, the decision was likely already made going in...but that is more like when one parent is completely absent or has a drug addiction problem, is homeless, something of that sort. At least in MO, they really do prefer to rule for joint custody unless they have a good reason not to.

[IanG]

It's not your problem rubidoux. It is his.

So be sympathetic but don't invest too much in this.

Life is too short for you to get involved in his divorce or custody battles.

[rubidoux]

Thanks again you guys. �� I have mostly steered clear this week, but saw him last night. He's uptight but okay. Trial is Wednesday. I'm pretty sure I won't see him till after, which I'm comfortable with.

Ian, I think since I'm going thru this break up now it's hard for me not to feel horror over his situation. My ex and I are so, so amicable in comparison to them or the other people I know who are going thru similar (so weird how I used to think everyone seemed to be happily married, now they seem to be all breaking up). I cannot imagine either of us trying to keep the other away from the kids. That just feels tragic for everyone. ��