I think you mentioned that your mother is a narcissist? My mother is too, and so is my sister. The only way that I cope is to remind myself that people who cannot own up to what they have done, people who are abusive to simply be cruel, especially to those who completely implicitly trust them - are the ones who are trapped. I would rather be someone who can be self-aware and honest with myself with what I have done - feels more freeing than constant delusion. Sometimes when I don't admit to things, it feels so suffocating - that feeling for years and years sounds pretty miserable. Its so hard because narcissists seem so happy and fine with themselves on the outside, so it seems like they are OK with it, but I don't think that people who are still hateful really are. Its just that they take out that anger that they never bother to figure out still on you.

So.... Bright side.

You have kids. You will never make the mistakes your mom did. Your mother is toxic, you can now have the mother / child relationship you wanted, but just from the different angle. Your mother can fade into a distant memory and you can remember her as only means to never act out in the same way, to apologize for things (even when you know you're right, but you realize the relationship is more important than your ego), to love your kids unconditionally, to not threaten them with suicide and to keep them away from all the toxic past you have. Your kids are in some ways lucky that your experiences will help them get something better.

I always hear of abuse with parent stories and I always find them sad, from both ends, but mostly from the kids. I always want that happy ending, we reconciled and we get along just great! (Who wouldn't?) And it's so hard to admit that some people, sounds like your mom, just don't deserve their 124th chance to make amends. Reality sucks right?

I think at some point you have to decide if you can accept someone on their terms, or if you need them out of your life. Obviously for a number of years, you've opted to have your mom out of your life, and probably with good reason. Now you're torn because she wants a relationship with you but you've seen no indication that she's changed. It sounds like you feel if she showed any signs of changing, you'd try. But you don't see that. So I think your choice is whether to accept some type of relationship with your mom on her terms, or to continue to cut her out of your life, because those really are your only options (based on what I see in your OP). FWIW, I don't think either decision would be wrong. It's going to be up to you. But I do think you need to accept that you can't change her. You can only change how you choose to engage her...or to not engage her at all.

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got" Robert Brault (one of my favorite quotes)

I also have a toxic/alcoholic mother. She cannot hold a job and had a string of personal/professional failures due to her bad attitude. It is always someone else's fault and she feels like she's been so wronged by everyone in life. When she's in a bad mood (which is pretty often) it is just exhausting to be around her. It is really difficult to deal with parents like this. I remember having friends in school who had really amazing supportive parents. Their parents would do their laundry and send them care packages. It made life seem so unfair.

I spent time in therapy to come to terms with my mother. I decided the best strategy is to quietly distance myself from her. I never formally said I'm not talking to you but I mostly stopped calling. I keep the conversations short when she does call and am very careful with what I tell her. I only talk about surface stuff with her. I limit visits to holidays. Anytime she tries to call me out on this I just remind her how busy I am. Given all of our family dynamics, it is much easier to do this than to deal with the fall out of formally divorcing her. I do my best to not argue with her and to diffuse the conversation if she starts getting charged. Even though I see her for who she is, she still gets my goat occasionally. I also try and be kind because her drinking/anger is really catching up with her health wise. She gets fluid in her stomach when she drinks, her face is sunken in, she lost a lot of weight and generally looks like ****. I don't expect her to live more than 10 years. Dealing with family members like this is difficult. Try to make sure you handle it in the most intelligent way possible rather than acting out of emotion.

GG, Renew Me
reading this thread and your posts hit home.
my mom is toxic and so is my brother.
They both share the same personality traits. He still lives with her although he's almost 30
My mom was a local small town celebrity in her youth long ago. Although she haven't been in the spotlight at all for 40 years, she still think of herself very highly.
She felt highly entitled to everything and my brother thinks that he's a celebrity daughter, he hang out with partygoers & trendies only..he lives in a surreal fantasy land type of world.
Glued to his phone 24/7 posting his whole life on social media, never knew the prices of basic groceries, no life skills, main goal in life is to hang out with the cool crowd, behaving like a perpetual teen, dress like a hipster with awful neon colors,thinks highly of himself for being a celebrity's son (LOL) and look down on people living a normal life (jobs,studying etc)

It was a pain to have them both at my wedding as well because they both feel entitled to have people cater to them.
I had an argument with mom after the wedding when we're still at the resort island because she also took advantage of my husband's generosity along with my aunt, my mom took 10-12 souvenirs which I know she doesn't need just for the sake of maxing up a freebie chance.
I despise her & my brother. They live in a fantasy world of cool and style, while never looking at reality. They live in filth & clutter, she never lift a finger to clean, they depend on financial help from other people because of their middle low economic status and inability to manage money yet they still think that the world owe them comforts just for being around.
-sorry,end of rant-