Concerned about safety
 

Hi guys, a couple of months ago I posted that I was moving to Houston for a job. Well, I finally did it, and I've been here for a while now. I've been living in a small one bedroom apartment on my own for a few weeks now, and while mine is a gated community and pretty safe, the area outside is not considered ideal to go roaming around in after dark. All in all though, I've been pretty happy here.

I hadn't really spoken to any of my neighbours, except for the occasional hello and how do you do. There are several families which makes me feel much better. But last night I had gone out to dump my garbage, when I ran into the people directly opposite my apartment, who were in the process of moving out. It was a man (about 40 or 50, I'd say) and his wife or girlfriend. He started up some small talk, so I spoke to him while they were moving their stuff. Then he randomly asked for my number to 'stay in touch' and without thinking I gave it to him. As soon as I did, he started saying that he'd like to come over to my apartment sometime to meet me, did I have a boyfriend because he knew I was living alone, etc. I kept saying I was really busy, but he was like, 'so the weekends are good, right'. Finally I just said I had to go and I went back into my apartment.

I saved his number (he gave me a missed call), and thought I just wouldn't answer if he called and he'd forget about it. But this morning when I woke up, he had sent me two messages which read, 'I wanted to say good morning. I really want to come see you at your apartment soon... ok' and 'you have such a beautiful face. I want to be your friend.. see you'.

I was (and am) seriously creeped out. I'm a young girl (25) living alone here, I don't know anyone close by, don't really have any friends here and I really don't want complications or trouble with other people. I don't know whether I'm overreacting, or whether this is just a cultural difference and it's normal for him to be saying that. I'm from Asia, where people in my country only speak to each other if needed, and excessive talking is very unwanted, so all this makes me seriously uncomfortable.

I know I shouldn't have given him my number but foolishly I did. Anyone have any ideas on how I can handle this if he keeps trying to call or send me messages? I'm doubly worried because he knows where I live.

You are not being foolish. Call your phone service provider and ask to have his number blocked. If he manages to still phone you, change your number. With any luck, that will do it. If he comes to your door, DO NOT OPEN IT.

I completely agree. This guy is creepy and out of line. Have his number blocked.

I've blocked calls and messages from his number. Now I'm just worried about what to say if I run into him because he's still moving his stuff out, and he said that he's moving to some place close by so he'll be around here often.

I would personally try to avoid him. If he approaches, I'd be straightforward and tell him you are not interested in friendship or anything more with him. Most likely, he will move on. If he persists and makes you feel unsafe, you could contact the police regarding your options. You could put a restraining order against him. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

You might want to mention it to management. I don't want to freak you out but if he is moving out for bad behavior this is something to add to the list. Also, management might let you switch apartments if you really feel that uncomfortable.

Thanks, guys. I just ran into him again when I was entering my house. He stopped me and said that I hadn't replied to his messages. I was caught off guard (I thought he had moved out, but apparently he hasn't yet), and said I didn't think he was serious, to which he replied that he was, and when could he come over. To that, I said that I was sorry but I wasn't comfortable with it. He just said ok and drove off.

I hope that was the end of it, but I'm seriously thinking about getting some pepper spray just in case.

Thank you for the replies in any case. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't blowing it out of proportion.

You're a young female living in an area you describe as one you cannot go out at night. This particular incident is creepy. But if I were you I'd already be carrying mace...and actually I believe Texas allows you to carry a weapon on your person. I'm not kidding about I would apply for a firearms license, do what you need to do to learn to use one (safety classes, firing range) and carry one.

It's creepy but it sounds like you inadvertently encouraged him by giving your number to him. Be direct and crystal clear but polite. He may think you're playing hard to get or something like that. Maybe now that you told him you aren't comfortable, he'll back off. If he doesn't, I would definitely inform the management and talk to law enforcement to see what your options are. Trust your intuition.

I'm on a nonimmigrant visa, so I don't think I can legally get a firearm.

Hi,

I also think that he sounds very creepy. My therapist who is a male says that it's smart for women to carry Mace. I haven't bought any yet but it's on my to buy list. Also, I think that there's no harm in making a complaint to police. You deserve the right to privacy and to be left alone by weirdos. Do you have a deadbolt lock on your door? If not consider getting one.

Take care, protect yourself.

Amy

It is definitely not a cultural difference. A creeper is a creeper, no matter what the culture. The best thing you can do is trust your instincts. Do not ignore your inner feelings. And most importantly, do not put yourself at risk to be polite to another person. Be careful. I hope he leaves you alone.

Originally Posted by Brandis:
And most importantly, do not put yourself at risk to be polite to another person.

Words to live by.

Originally Posted by Brandis:
It is definitely not a cultural difference. A creeper is a creeper, no matter what the culture. The best thing you can do is trust your instincts. Do not ignore your inner feelings. And most importantly, do not put yourself at risk to be polite to another person. Be careful. I hope he leaves you alone.

Well said. I once saw an oprah show where they talked about intuition and how we are the only animals on the planet that go against our own intuition. We talk ourselves out of it because we're afraid we won't be perceived as nice. I don't know if it's possible to track down that show but I think this may be the article about that show. Very interesting read. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/T...ve-Your-Life/4

Basically, you're not crazy, you sense that something is not right. Don't second guess yourself.

The answer to, "Do you have a boyfriend" is always YES if you're not interested in the person asking. If you have a hard time being direct and polite, it's an easy out. Yes, I do. Anyone bold enough to ask questions beyond that is testing your boundaries and should be avoided. The answer to, "Can I have your number" is always NO. Any reasonable man with any level of manners and respect will back off. Anyone who keeps after you is testing your boundaries.

Get yourself some pepper spray and look into some self-defense classes. You will probably never have to stab a guy in the eyeball with your key, but it might give you some peace of mind.

I'm very impressed that you directly told him you weren't interested and to stop calling. That can be very hard to do for a lot of people.

Again, thanks for all the replies and support.

He's been outside my house all day yesterday and today because he's still moving stuff out, but since I blocked him and told him I didn't want him calling or coming over, he hasn't tried getting in touch with me or (god forbid) knocking on my door.

I've ordered my pepper spray online, and I'm just going to wait it out until he's gone for good and hope I never see him again.

I don't know that I would immediately label this as creepy. You gave him your number, he followed through by calling. Now that you've told him you aren't comfortable, I would see where he takes it. If he continues to contact you, that would be a problem.

Are you even sure the person helping him move was a partner or spouse? It could have been a sibling, cousin, friend, etc.

Originally Posted by ILoveVegetables:
I'm on a nonimmigrant visa, so I don't think I can legally get a firearm.

Please, no. Don't even go there. Take a self-defense course, karate, learn how to be stand up for yourself, but please, don't get a handgun. It isn't the answer to defending yourself.

Originally Posted by TheSecondHalf:
The answer to, "Do you have a boyfriend" is always YES if you're not interested in the person asking.

This. I used to wear a wedding ring at work and whilst traveling. If I were uninterested in dating, I would wear one as well.

Originally Posted by Durian:
I don't know that I would immediately label this as creepy. You gave him your number, he followed through by calling. Now that you've told him you aren't comfortable, I would see where he takes it. If he continues to contact you, that would be a problem.

I wouldn't say that, if she felt creeped out she was creeped out. Women don't go around feeling creeped out because they want to, there was a sense of vulnerability there and it's ok for her to feel that.

OP, if you get a chance to read that article I found it really fascinating. There was a line that stood out to me. "When a man says no it's the end of the conversation. When a woman says no it's the beginning of a negotiation." It can be so true sometimes so always be careful.

I'm glad to hear he hasn't made contact since. I would still be creeped out knowing that he is around all day and I can imagine it's unnerving. Take whatever precautions you need until he does leave and let us know how it goes.

Originally Posted by Durian:
I don't know that I would immediately label this as creepy. You gave him your number, he followed through by calling. Now that you've told him you aren't comfortable, I would see where he takes it. If he continues to contact you, that would be a problem.

I completely understand what you mean. I had posted in this forum because I wanted to be sure that I wasn't blowing it out of proportion.

Honestly, it wasn't the fact that he got in touch with me what I found creepy, it was the words he used in his messages.

Originally Posted by Durian:
Are you even sure the person helping him move was a partner or spouse? It could have been a sibling, cousin, friend, etc.

No idea. Now that you mention it, it may have been anyone. I didn't even think of that.

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny:
I wouldn't say that, if she felt creeped out she was creeped out. Women don't go around feeling creeped out because they want to, there was a sense of vulnerability there and it's ok for her to feel that.

I'm not commenting on feelings, I'm responding to the overwhelming number of comments labeling this creepy. No one disputes that she is entitled to feel how she feels.

I'm with the Creepy Camp.

He could just be really socially awkward, but I'd be creeped out by the words he chose and the content of his messages.

He's still sending messages, but I finally decided to (wo)man up and reply. I made it clear on no uncertain terms that I was not interested and wouldn't be replying to anything further (politely though). I really hope that's the end of it and I can leave my house without constantly looking over my shoulder.

Originally Posted by ILoveVegetables:
He's still sending messages, but I finally decided to (wo)man up and reply. I made it clear on no uncertain terms that I was not interested and wouldn't be replying to anything further (politely though). I really hope that's the end of it and I can leave my house without constantly looking over my shoulder.

Wow he is persistent! I hope he gets the message loud and clear this time!

It's difficult because women are socialized so heavily to be polite and accommodating, but that's the kind of behavior that throws really mixed signals out. I'm not saying this is in any way your fault, ILV, but... giving your number signaled interest. Saying you were busy instead of "no, never" signaled interest, especially if the guy is not that socially bright. Anyway, I'm only replying because you noted you politely told him to stop texting. You've got to stop being polite about it, if you have any further interactions. (Hopefully you won't!)

I know it's hard (I struggle with this), but... try not to be so nice in the future. :lol: Thanks for keeping us updated - hope that's the last you hear of him.

I just didn't want to piss him off by being rude :p

I totally agree with Mars advice and i think you did the right thing by saying you were uncomfortable.

It might be worth while talking to either management or police in case this guy is known to them but its possible that since you gave him your number the first time he asked he thought you were open to whatever it is he thought would happen and that he's not actually a harmful person but mainly looking for opportunities.

If he appears not to have got the message the last time, in response to any future contact, tell him more emphatically that you do not wish to have any contact with him and that you gave him your number last time without thinking but regretted it.

I am sure i've given my number to people and thought later, what the **** did i do that for.

Just to let you guys know, he finally sent a message saying ok (to not getting in touch with me again) and that he was there if I needed him.

Hopefully that's the end of it. If not, I now have a large can of pepper spray handy.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I've learned a couple of valuable lessons here.

At least I can't ever say my time here was boring :p