This only bothers me when someone is full of excuses. And I feel this way about any area of life, not just weightloss. Sometimes people want to vent but like kaplods said, may be facing some inner demons that make it very hard for them to change right now. I can take someone saying "I hate being over weight, but I'm not in a place to make the changes I need to in order to lose the weight, but it still really bothers me"...versus someone saying "I can't lose weight, I barely eat and I'm still fat!" while they are eating a Big Mac...In other words, people that have set up road blocks so they never have to try (ie not my fault!) gets under my skin. Thos that own their behavoirs and just may not being willing to change them, I have no issue with them venting about their situation. Since I cant stop people from feeling a certain way, when I see a "not my fault" vent starting, I high tail it out of there.
I think it is dead wrong that people don't want to know the answer. They might not like it, but those are not the same thing.
Even though I am still heavy people that know me can see the changes. I say better food choices and more exercise when asked. Some say oh darn, but with a smile. Most nod.
Maybe they file it in the back of their brain. I've never met anyone that says no that can't be it. They all know at some level. I go to Huffington Post for inspiration. Virtually every success story there is lifestyle changes. I boil down eating and exercise to lifestyle changes. Over and over and over more similarities than not.
And what works for one might not work for another. Lowering carbs is working for me, I don't think shakes would. And asking is doing something. They are reaching out to people who have had success. My wife for years asked me to stop eating so much fast food. I knew it was bad. I don't fully understand why I was doing that then. except I was on a carb wheel where eating carbs just left me feeling hungry which I filled with more carbs and on and on.
So maybe their diet is working against them. Maybe there is cheap fast food at every corner? Maybe they have a lot of stress in their lives and it just all piles on top of it. Maybe they want a quick fix because they just feel overwhelmed? Obviously I wasn't ready to change at the time I eat a lot of fast food. I am still the same person. I wasn't weak-willed then, I am not super-willed now.
Last edited by diamondgeog; 10-28-2013 at 01:42 PM.
I was diagnosed as diabetic this year. That was my wake up call. Before Diabetes I wished a lot. Wished I was thinner, wished I could go to a gym, wished I could get weight loss surgery ... After being told I had diabetes I began a new way of eating and I got my butt out and walked. No more wishing, if I want to get this disease under control I have to do it. I have to stop wishing everything will get better.
I like most fat people knew all the rules of what to eat, not eat. How much water to drink, how much exercise to do but it took diabetes not another person to make me want to change what I was doing.
But when I hear someone tell me that it's realllly reallly hard all I really think is that they're puffing themselves up as martyrs. A real friend will encourage me that it's not as hard as I think, that's it's one step at a time and that we can do this together. Whenever someone tells me that it's really hard it just makes me think that they don't want me to try just so that they can come out on top. Sorry, but that's how I see it.
Interesting take. This makes me rethink how many times I say how hard it is to lose weight, stop binging, and maintain a loss. I'm being truthful -- for me it IS really, freakin super hard, but I still think the journey is worth it.
And when I tell someone else that yes, it is really hard (particularly at the beginning), I'm mostly trying to prepare them for those moments when it feels totally un-doable and unachievable so that they won't quit when those feelings pop up. As in, YES, you're going to find out how hard it is but you CAN do it and keep going.
I'm certainly not trying to puff myself up, because the truth is I still struggle, I still find it hard. But maybe I need to find a way to express this more positively, it never occurred to me that someone would feel the way you do about those statements!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mickie22
Do you all understand and have you faced this problem before?
Honestly, no, I don't feel that way. I see myself in every single person who is struggling with their weight. I am every single person who is struggling. I have known for many, many years what the answers are to losing weight and keeping the weight off, and yet still I've been up and down and up and down and up and down the scale. Every person is on their own journey and I'm happy to share what works for me (when something is working) and what doesn't (when something ISN'T working) when someone asks me, even though it may not work for them.
I've dealt with this frustration some with my family, but it's more-so out of a serious concern for their health. My mother is a diabetic who has had a heart attack (though she is really not that overweight), my father has had to undergo a back surgery and is on blood pressure meds, and my sister, while having no health concerns yet, seems crushingly unhappy with her current weight.
They always say, "I have to do better," and I try so hard to be encouraging. I give the best advice that helped me with the challenges I've faced, and I try to pack so much that I have learned into those conversations, but I don't know if it's done anything yet. I don't get personally frustrated with them, which seems to be a strange concept to me anyway. Me giving advice has nothing to do with feeling that they are somehow accountable for accepting it after that. However, I do become frustrated and sad at the situation in general. I feel like I have found some special key to unlock what I want, but when I ask them if they want to try and use it, it won't fit in anyone else's door.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 10-30-2013 at 03:30 PM.
I understand both sides of this coin because I vacillate between the two mindsets. Sometimes I'm gung-ho and can stay seriously motivated on a diet and exercise program for 3 months, 6 months, a year. Then something happens and it shakes me. This year has been bad for me because it's been one blow after another. My beloved dog died last December and I'm still hurting over it. I've been sick 4 times. I'm having heart rhythm problems. So my focus right now isn't on losing weight- it's just trying to not to gain because I'm in a hole right now.
Hmmm, so you told her that she has to work really really hard and that it's not easy at all and you're amazed that she's not on board with your plan huh? Look, good for you and all that you're making these changes in your life. But when I hear someone tell me that it's realllly reallly hard all I really think is that they're puffing themselves up as martyrs. A real friend will encourage me that it's not as hard as I think, that's it's one step at a time and that we can do this together. Whenever someone tells me that it's really hard it just makes me think that they don't want me to try just so that they can come out on top. Sorry, but that's how I see it.
Why is it any of your business if someone does or doesn't take your advice? You think you know everything now and that everyone is obliged to follow suit? Everybody is living in their own world and makes the decisions that are right for them. Nobody is perfect and nobody is capable of change unless it comes from within themselves.
We complain about a lot on this board. We complain about skinny people who don't understand our struggles, we complain about people who don't value us for who we are, we complain about how society doesn't recognize our eating disorders. Are we seriously going to go down that route and judge people who aren't making the same effort we are? That's hypocritical if you ask me. Think about how many people were looking at you thinking "why doesn't she just eat less and lose weight??????" And now you're doing the same thing... to a friend.
Woow meeooww.
I'm sorry but it is really really hard for me and I'm not going to lie to her and say it's not. I tell her it's hard but she can do it and she will feel good after and we can do it together.
Of course I want her to try, she's my friend why do I want to feel better than her. I don't have a need to feel better than anyone.
It became my business of her taking my advice when she asked me for help. :/ I didn't randomly go up to her and start giving advice, she came to me very upset and knew that I understood where she was because we are in the same positions. I don't think I know everything, I just know what is working for me and I'd love her to join so she can feel as good as me.
I'm not judging her at all, just frustrated because I know exactly where she is and she asks for advice but just won't take it. I want her to be healthy and feel the way I'm feeling.
This is a good friend I'm talking about, I want nothing but the best for her sheesh.
I understand both sides of this coin because I vacillate between the two mindsets. Sometimes I'm gung-ho and can stay seriously motivated on a diet and exercise program for 3 months, 6 months, a year. Then something happens and it shakes me. This year has been bad for me because it's been one blow after another. My beloved dog died last December and I'm still hurting over it. I've been sick 4 times. I'm having heart rhythm problems. So my focus right now isn't on losing weight- it's just trying to not to gain because I'm in a hole right now.
Aw man I really wish the best of luck for you and hope things turn around soon. Stay strong
Just because someone asks you for advice does not mean they are automatically obligated to take it. People move at their own pace and just because she doesn't take it doesn't mean she doesn't hear it. If she does or does not take your advice doesn't matter, don't look for validation there.
It's not nice to meow or scoff at someone. But you've proven my point that you don't have to take my or anyone's advice just because you've asked for it.
It became my business of her taking my advice when she asked me for help. :/ I didn't randomly go up to her and start giving advice, she came to me very upset and knew that I understood where she was because we are in the same positions. I don't think I know everything, I just know what is working for me and I'd love her to join so she can feel as good as me.
I'm not judging her at all, just frustrated because I know exactly where she is and she asks for advice but just won't take it.
Just because someone asks for your advice does not make them obligated to take it, nor are they obligated to follow your exact path or on a timetable acceptable to you. And if you're getting frustrated enough to call it anger, you really ARE judging her.
If you truly understood exactly where she is right now, and why, you'd also understand what's holding her back, and if you understood that, you'ld be empathetic and not angry/frustrated.
As frustrated as you are that she isn't where you are, she's probably just as frustrated that she isn't either. And because good friends often read each other well, your friend probably senses your impatience and frustration with her, which is not going to make following your example any easier.
You have evangelical syndrome. You're so excited about the changes you've made that you want to "convert" your friend whether she's ready or not. You want your friend to be with you, but she's not ready. Maybe she'll never be.
If you can't let go of the anger and frustration it will strain the friendship.
No matter what advice you give a friend, on whatever topic, you have to be willing to give it with no expectation of obligation attached.
Maybe your method of weight loss isn't the right one for her. Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she has other priorities she values more highly. Maybe she's the kind of person who needs to mull over advice before she follows it.
Just because she asked for your help, doesn't mean you can expect her to follow it. She gets to steer her own life and if weight loss isn't her top priority right now (or even if it never is) that's something a friend needs to respect to be a friend.
Anger and frustration are the opposite of compassion and understanding.
Frustration is easy, compassion is hard - often harder than weight loss.
Haha, I love that term evangelical syndrome! I get that a lot. Everything I do I get so excited about it and tell other people and I'm just shocked when people don't take it on. Like I get all preachy about how great Halloween is and other people are like yea I don't celebrate it cause it's a hassle. Or like when I'm all excited about tai chi and nobody cares. Or like I'm soooo into paleo and other people go on about their business.
I think this stems for a need to connect with someone, I want someone to think it's a great idea and to follow it and by doing so it helps me be accountable. This however does not frustrate me, it just makes me feel a little lonely, like I'm the only person that cares about Halloween, or paleo or tai chi out of the people I know.
Just because someone asks you for advice does not mean they are automatically obligated to take it. People move at their own pace and just because she doesn't take it doesn't mean she doesn't hear it. If she does or does not take your advice doesn't matter, don't look for validation there.
It's not nice to meow or scoff at someone. But you've proven my point that you don't have to take my or anyone's advice just because you've asked for it.
She doesn't have to take my advice, I'm not forcing her too. I can't help that I'm human and get frustrated though. Isn't this what forums are for? To talk about things and to get over it?
I gave her advice and she said she didn't want to do it and that was the end. I came and wrote this thread and that was that. Next time I have a human emotion I better make sure not to post around you ha.
I don't remember asking you for advice btw, I remember writing "Has this ever happen to you all what did you do?" or something along those lines.
I don't think this is evangelical syndrome though. To me that implies that one is giving advice or instruction when not asked. This friend came running to her for it, for support.
I also think I would be mad if someone told me "it was easy", because when i'd struggle I would think something was wrong with me. I'd be all "why did ---- have it so easy? What am I doing wrong here?". I hope that friends never lie to me just so they can get me to do what they want. I think hard is just, hard.
I also think its unfair to characterize her frustrations as judgments. I think frustration can also come out of hurt, and fear for another person, and if you didn't love them, you wouldn't feel that way. I've experienced this with many ill relatives. That feeling because I know that some of their ailments are fixable, and they choose not to fix, which leads to more pain. If I lacked compassion for their struggles I wouldn't be there at all, wishing for lessened suffering in the future. If I lacked love and understanding, i'd have turned them down for my time, effort, affection, advice, etc.
We can't force anyone to take our advice though. We can't make anyone do anything, thankfully. I wouldn't want to be obligated to take the advice everyone has ever given me! Just be ready and available when she comes back around again asking. Even if she never takes it, even if it take a million times. Just keep doing your thing, and make your choice on either helping when shes ready or not. Once you decide I think you'll spend less time dwelling on it. I think just about all of us have been like your friend at some time.
Anyways, just my perspective.
Last edited by dancinginpaint; 11-01-2013 at 09:49 AM.
Just because someone asks for your advice does not make them obligated to take it, nor are they obligated to follow your exact path or on a timetable acceptable to you. And if you're getting frustrated enough to call it anger, you really ARE judging her.
If you truly understood exactly where she is right now, and why, you'd also understand what's holding her back, and if you understood that, you'ld be empathetic and not angry/frustrated.
As frustrated as you are that she isn't where you are, she's probably just as frustrated that she isn't either. And because good friends often read each other well, your friend probably senses your impatience and frustration with her, which is not going to make following your example any easier.
You have evangelical syndrome. You're so excited about the changes you've made that you want to "convert" your friend whether she's ready or not. You want your friend to be with you, but she's not ready. Maybe she'll never be.
If you can't let go of the anger and frustration it will strain the friendship.
No matter what advice you give a friend, on whatever topic, you have to be willing to give it with no expectation of obligation attached.
Maybe your method of weight loss isn't the right one for her. Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she has other priorities she values more highly. Maybe she's the kind of person who needs to mull over advice before she follows it.
Just because she asked for your help, doesn't mean you can expect her to follow it. She gets to steer her own life and if weight loss isn't her top priority right now (or even if it never is) that's something a friend needs to respect to be a friend.
Anger and frustration are the opposite of compassion and understanding.
Frustration is easy, compassion is hard - often harder than weight loss.
I'm not actually angry, I was frustrated because I know that I was killing myself and I know she is doing the same. I know she wants help and she just needs a push so I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. She's not frustrating, this situation is frustrating.
She's not obligated to take my advice and I'm not obligated to sit back and watch her destroy her liver and body without venting out frustrations. It's funny you all would honestly not be frustrated over seeing a good friend overeat and get drunk nearly 5 days a week? I guess you're all better people than me. You can also be empathetic and frustrated at the same time, frustrated because you're empathetic and understand exactly how she's feeling and not being able to help her.
