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Originally Posted by mascara blue
So anyway, i googled him today and saw a video of his wedding online september last year. i looked up his wife and her FB has a recent photo. She is so lovely and they seem so in love and I am so pissed off at him because WHY DO THIS?! WHY? I mean he has a wife who clearly loves him, why lie about being alone and without support etc. [snip] Why do you think someone with such a lovely wife would flirt with some random stranger? is it because i seem shy and he is like "she seems a sad case. bet can make her fall for me"?? He cant find me attractive with a wife like that!
Okay, I'm speaking as someone who went through a phase where I attracted and was attracted to married men, and went through a lot of therapy on this very subject ... and this varies depending on the two people involved ...
Just because Jacks&t's wife is beautiful, and photographs of a particular moment in their life make them look very much in love, it doesn't mean that they aren't having problems in their relationship.
Here's the unflattering thing: It's very likely that this is less about you than about this guy's need to feel wanted and attractive & to have the upper hand in his relationship with his wife. Very possibly something in his life or his marriage is making him feel less-than-optimal. You know how some of us here use food to soothe ourselves? This guy quite possibly uses the high of flirtation & the possibility of sex, or sex itself, and the attention of a woman so that he can feel better when he is not feeling so great.
You are the instrument he is making use of. It's like he is in the middle of a drama, and casting roles for it. Because you're attractive, you're nice, you're kind and you're probably nonthreatening, he auditioned you for the role of girlfriend on the side. Your role would be to support him and make him feel good.
Problem is, this would be very one-sided, whether it was limited to a platonic friendship or an affair. He will not support you as much as you support him. If you call when he's in the middle of something with his wife, expect to wait to be called back. Expect to wait while they're out running their lives or on vacation. You'll have to fend for yourself a lot. It's very unequal in power & accessibility. You have to be available but can't expect him to be available.
But you know this, which is why you don't want anything going on with a married man.
I haven't even mentioned the most disgusting thing about him, which is that he is a liar. And a stupid & unoriginal one: He is using the old "my wife has a terminal illness/my wife is mentally ill & institutionalized" fiction to try to play on your sympathy & disarm you. C'mon, dude, you can't even do better than that? "Now, Voyager" came out in 1942, for Pete's sake!
Anyway think of him as weak, despite his good looks, with an addiction to being admired and feeling sexual & strong -- you are the drug that gives him that.
You don't want to be a drug. You want to be a person who is related to directly, person to person, through a guy who is accessible at all times and let you into all the parts of his life. That's a real relationship.
I think the way to handle this guy is to become remote & professional. Make it clear you see what is going on & you only want to deal with him insofar as it's a class requirement. You have a class to get through. You don't want a drink or even coffee. You don't want to listen. You don't need any explanations. You don't have to be this therapist. You don't owe him any attention whatsoever. Keep that in mind: You owe him nothing. He does not need an adult woman feeling sorry for whatever his stupid situation is.