I am really torn on this, my daughter is 12, and has had a phone for almost a year. There's been a few times that she's gotten mad at someone, and I'll look on her texts and see what's going on, but I never discuss it with her. I want to know 'what she's up to', but I don't want her to know that I looked. I pay for the phone, but it still seems like an invasion of her privacy.

Most recently, I found out that she has a tumblr account. I said something to hubby and he looked on her computer and later asked her about it. Her response was to close that account and open a new one. There's nothing super-bad on there, but she's reposting things that have bad language.

So what do you other parents do? Do you monitor phones and online accounts (facebook, tumblr, etc.)? She has asked me before for a facebook acct and I told her no. She didn't ask for the tumblr acct, just did it on her own. When you find something that you don't like, how do you handle it?

Thanks!

I monitor everything. My son is 10, but the possibility of cyber bullying and predation these days is just too high not to. He's not allowed to have a facebook or other social networking account, the age limits are 13 on most sites anyways so its a solid "no" each and every time he asks. He plays xbox online and I monitor his messages and friend lists and his profile says "I'm a kid with a badass b***** for a Mom, eff with me and she'll have your a$$ handed to you." I constantly go on there and delete an block people I find inappropriate and he's not allowed to play on his xbox or on his iPad without his bedroom door being open.

Maybe I'm hypervigilent...but I used to work as a victims advocate for a sexual assault program and perverts are everywhere.

Hi! I don't have children myself, but I'd like to offer a point of view from the other side of the fence. I'm only 20, so when I was 12 mobile phones were already commonplace, and I had my own computer. My mother always tried not to let on that she read my texts and checked what websites I was using. I knew she did it though, because when she found something that she didn't like, she was always very up front about it - though it was MSN Messenger those days, not Facebook! She'd just come right out and say "I found this, and I don't think it's appropriate for someone of your age - here's why, please change it". Of course at the time, it irked me that she had dared to invade my privacy, but I didn't hate her for it! Now, I know that she was just doing it because she cared, and I was probably a lot better off for it. When I hear stories of children and teens being groomed online it certainly makes me grateful that my mother kept such a watchful eye on me.

I think you should speak to your daughter in an adult way about how you don't quite think that certain websites are appropriate for her age. Maybe suggest a compromise - can she keep her tumblr account, as long as she gives you the link to her site so you can monitor it? I am not one to be giving parenting advice since I have no children of my own, but I know that at your daughter's age I appreciated my parents trying to treat my like a 'grown-up' while they explained why I was too young for some things In the future I'm sure she'll thank you for it! Good luck!

Monitor it like a hawk. I was a 'good' kid, socially, morally, and academically, and still got into illicit content like you wouldn't believe when it came to the Internet.

Strict limits and lots of vigilance are required, no bones about it. With our kids we're out and out barring social media under our roof. I don't use Facebook, twitter, or tumblr and neither does my husband, yet we still manage to run servers, websites, and lots of social events without a hitch. If we can do it, I am sure our offspring can manage without, too.

I believe you're doing the right thing. Kids are exposed to practically everything and anything on the internet. I personally have a Facebook, signed up for one on my birthday when I turned 13, and for having it for three years, it is shocking what pictures will pop up whether from friends or just other pages. Yet, as a previous post stated, your child should be spoken to as an adult, but carefully. Many teens believe that they should automatically be treated as an adult and have all the privileges, etc.

If she's posting anything with foul language, especially if YOU know about it, then she should need further knowledge as to why she has no need to do so/why it is so inappropriate.

My parents always trusted me with anything and everything, which allowed me to start to rely on myself for a lot of things I do, now. They're amazing parents, and I'm blessed to know that they put a lot of trust in me with what I do. My parents almost seem as though they don't "care" about what I do, but it isn't that way, at all. I've developed trust with them and I'm so grateful to have it.

Sorry about my long post, but I feel as though a teen can also give insight to what you are handling because your daughter isn't much younger than I. I understand feelings/views from both perspectives, but I mainly agree on an adult's perspective rather than a child's due to the notion that they haven't been revealed to all subjects of matter and may not be as mature as their parents.

I have to agree with pretty much everyone, monitoring is a GOOD thing.
There are countless children on social networks that deal with perverts, cyber bullying, and a lot get hurt. (Suicide).
I grew up without these things and life is FINE. I still don't have a facebook because all I ever see is drama, no thank you.

I think if you explain to your kid why you do what you do and even show them real life examples, they should respect you for it. The internet is huge and it's easy to find free porn, horrible content etc... which is why you should be actively involved. One to protect them, and also to explain to them about certain things.

My parents monitored a lot of things but always told me why and explained things to me clearly. IT made it very easy the first time I discovered an HBO soft core porn to ask my mother about the video rather than hiding I had seen it. She didn't get mad, just explained sex and also explained not only the dangers (stds, pregnancy) but the emotional intensity behind it. I think it helped keep me on the straight and narrow being open with my parents and them being open with me. (Also that talk still has me question every boyfriend about std's and I don't sleep around because some of the things that were true my mother told me. I remember that talk...)

I think it's respectful to tell them you want to monitor, and I think it's perfectly fine, almost necessary, to monitor. IF you do see something that shouldn't be there, then explain why it's innapropriate and do it in a nice easy manner. If you keep an open relationship and are easy to approach, your kid might just ask you about things they find instead of "experimenting" themselves. I was never scared to ask my parents anything, I knew they wouldn't get mad, but be completely honest with me. I usually asked before I did anything dumb too, just because with them it was easier to ask and get denied, then it was to do and get caught. Especially because they ALWAYS told me a reason why I couldn't do something.

12? This is a minor and a dependent. You pay for the phone, it is actually YOURS. She just gets to use.

Parents can see all and if you hide? Expect access to decline/cut off.

Shan't DIE without phone or internet. I never had a phone of my own or Internet growing up.

These things are bonus, not needs.

Mine's only 8, but she's raised with that expectation. Parents monitor all, and she can expect her independence and freedoms to arrive in layers. We tell her often the goal is for her to be a grown up fully responsible for herself when she graduates. "You are the boss of you in dressing yourself, in what you want to read, what you play with etc. You are not the boss of you yet in _____. That will come later. Bit by bit."

"The parent's job is to help keep you safe, the kid's job it to listen and follow directions." She's been raised with that too -- becky bailey system.

When we have fusspots here I go "Look, what's my job? (keep me safe) Am I trying to do my job? (yah) Are you helping me or making my job be a pain (Sigh. I know.) And what is YOUR job? (I know)" -- it helps her to realize I'm not trying to be a PITA for fun, and honestly sometimes I rather NOT do my job but then who pays? Her not being as safe as she could be.

I don't know if bailey would help you in the tween stuff.

http://consciousdiscipline.com/resou..._and_teens.asp

DD plays star wars online with daddy and he monitors her like a hawk. She's done all the brainpop cyberbully stuff and knows safety comes first.

Maybe that would help your 12 yr old see where you are coming from?

http://www.brainpop.com/technology/c...cyberbullying/

I trust her to do a lot of things -- she's an honest kid who is trustworthy. But she's not old enough or big enough to be trusted to drive a car, right? It will come. So chill, I'm not blocking you from adulthood. I'm trying to help you there in a sane way.

We're very honest and up front with her so far she seems to take it in stride.

HTH!
A.

My son is 10 and I monitor his computer. He doesn't use facebook or anything, but he does use youtube, and while he doesn't go anywhere I object to (yet) I still have to watch where he goes. (Seriously an entire spongebob on youtube with nothing but swearing?!)

When (IF!) he gets a phone the condition will be that it will be monitored and will have GPS. Whether or not I end up actually monitoring his texts will be a different story, but he will know that I can at any point in time!

I do believe though as they get older you want to try to give them more trust. I know that's harder to do then say, but I think in the OP case I'd definitely be checking on everything at 12.

i monitor my teenager on the computer to some extent but not obsessively...he plays xbox with the door closed but ONLY because he tends to SHOUT on his voice chat and i can hear everything he says anyhow LOL....he used to have a cell phone...he then dropped it in the snow and lost the battery to it and i've never replaced it...he has always been able to check in with me after school anyhow, wherever he goes, because everyone else has a phone he can use LOL

im probably forgetting a few things to write but im busy and tired

Absolutely!! Texting/phone/Internet is a privilege, not a right. His phone stays downstairs when he goes to bed and I read his texts every night. I have monitoring software on his computer (which I am not happy with and looking for a new one). He isn't allowed to have Facebook until he is 13, and I will have his password when he does, just like I have his email password.

Teenagers aren't allowed to see "bad words" or nudity? Is everyone living in the 1960s? Whenever I'm on tumblr, facebook, etc the nudity is usually paintings, and the swearing are quotes from famous books. There are gifs of sexual things, every once in awhile. But so what? What's going to happen to your child if they so happen to scroll past a gif of someone having sex? Are they suddenly going to be corrupt individuals who seek out illegal/inappropriate activities? If anyone thinks that's the case, it's absolutely ridiculous. I'd be concerned if the person was reblogging inappropriate/illegal things, since that shows they have an interest in it. I guarantee you, your child (starting around 12 these days) has friends who are engaging in sex and drugs. I'm not saying, let your kid do what he or she wants, but shielding the person from anything that is remotely "controversial" is detrimental and pretty silly if it's something they probably see on a daily basis at their school. But to answer the OP's question, go ahead and read everything, but be honest with your child about what you're doing.

...Kaliii, I get the impression you are not yet a parent.

Nope. Not living in the 60's. I know what's real.

She hears cuss words in elementary school from some kids -- which is a drag, but I know it's there.

I just prefer to teach her bad words myself. So far she knows "s**t, crap, damn" from school and she knows that at 8 she isn't allowed to used then yet. We explained what they were, why she's not allowed yet, and she was fine with the explanation.


She's seen nudes -- but seeing a naked body in natural light is one thing, seeing a naked abused body is another. She doesn't need to see violence. I just prefer to teach sex ed myself to my kid and send her to Our Whole Lives sex ed as supportive back up first so she can learn critical thinking BEFORE being exposed to too much media crap. Should she find something she doesn't understand, she can feel confident about asking me about it and know I'll tell her straight up.


So because she gets exposed to a flow, does that mean I open the faucet full force on her then? I think that is silly from the other direction.

Parents are there to guide you along at a good pace. Not hose you down in a torrent but not hold you back from realities either. There is balance.

I know bad words at recess are not controllable but that doesn't mean I cuss at her when I talk to her!

I don't mind if she asks me to show her whatever it is. Usually I find it and show it. But I'd be pissed if school was letting the kids online willy nilly without monitoring.

I know it will come, and does come. But I rather she have SOME coping tools on board before going to Internet Land "full access no holds barred no monitoring."

It's up the parents to decide where that line is with their child and of course, each family draws it in a different place. Even within the SAME family, the children are not all wired the same -- some are more mature than others at say 12. Some still need a babysitter then and some ARE the babysitter then.

http://www.scarleteen.com/ and similar teen oriented sites are fine. But 8 is not 10 is not 12 is not 14 is not 16 is not 18. So I'll give her scarleteen one day but not at 8.

And she needs to know not everyone online is honest and there are predators, cyberbullies and more. Her world will now include online dating so... gotta prep for that too.

Hopefully be real and she won't bat an eye if it's just natural sex? Sex is a natural function and can be a lovely thing.

Hopefully be real and if it's something horrible like an adult molesting a child or someone being attacked or tortured sexually (regardless of age) she will report the website or give me the heads up to do?

*shrug*

A.

I do not have children, but I am aware of what *I* was doing as a kid. My parents tried their best to monitor my phone and internet usage, but being more tech-savvy than my parents, I was easily able to circumnavigate their attempts to keep tabs on me.

I certainly did things that they would not have approved of, and frankly, things I would not particularly approve of in my own children. That being said, I feel as though "getting away" with some things that may not be completely appropriate when you are a teenager is part of the deal. You can only keep your kids so safe, and with all of the information they have at their fingertips, I don't see it to be a wise decision to shelter a teenager from nudity, cursing, etc -- but rather to be a conduit for information, support and guidance for them.

I'll be 23 in July an am not a parent and I grew up in the Internet, basically. I had my own computer in my room when I was about 14 onward. Now, I did see some stuff I probably shouldn't of at certain ages but it didn't really effect me at all. Maybe I'm a bit biased towards freedom because I met my fiancé on a game when I was 16. We were across the country from each other, and now we live together & are engaged. I also got my first job via the Internet when I was 15, and I still work at the same place. So some very good things came about from the Internet for me and partly because my parents didn't pry about what I was doing all the time, I didn't tell her about my online BF for years.

With that said Tumblr is a risky place that probably shouldn't be allowed yet, IMO. I've searched things such as "nail art" there and get hardcore porn images, no lie (full blow penis entering anus/mouth, things to that extreme).. simple searches I totally wouldn't of expected to bring up that sort of thing. happens all the time, too.