[mammasita]

So, I met a guy from POF last week. We went out this past Friday, met up Wednesday after work and have plans for this weekend, well tonight (more on this at the end). I really like this guy, but in typical me fashion....I think and feel things in hyper speed, like rushed...and yes I know it's not normal/right/healthy and I don't plan on being that girl anymore.

So I ask this.....how do these things normally progress? How should this progress? Should I just act nonchalant? What's the normal time frame for having a talk about being exclusive? About closing OLD accounts? I'm just so lost. My last relationship when from meeting to exclusive in 2 weeks to moving in after 3 months.

Way fast, I know. I just really don't know how to do this.

About tonight, he initially said he wanted to hang out tonight and then tomorrow.....but he just messaged me to say that tomorrow will most likely be the guys but he still wants to see me tonight. I'm not used to having a life outside my relationship (sad I know) so my heart kind of dropped when he said that. I do want to add that if you all remember any of my posts, I did have internal issues when my ex wanted man time.

[luckymommy]

I haven't been in the dating scene for a looong time, so I can't help you much but I do have a movie recommendation. It's called, He's Just Not That Into You. Don't get me wrong, this guy might be totally into you, but the movie does go into dating expectations in a fun kind of a way. Maybe you've seen it? The thing that struck me was him saying that on Saturday, he will be with his friends. That seemed a bit odd, but I might just be old fashioned too. I think guy time is great, but in the beginning, a guy should be so into you that he kind of forgets about his friends and maybe sees them on Sunday, but definitely saves his entire Saturday for you. Rather than focusing on how quickly to move things along, maybe focus on asking yourself if this guy is really what you want long term. Again, I'm not saying he's not, but you should reframe your thinking into: is this guy good enough for me?...rather than: Wow, this guy's amazing and I must move this relationship forward.

Usually, guys will let you know when they want to be exclusive....in my experience. If they don't bring it up, I wouldn't. I don't believe in playing games, but I also think that if you let the guy take charge, you'll see how he's feeling based on his actions.

I hope that makes sense! I"m still on my morning cup of coffee.

This is an exciting time! Just try to enjoy it for what it is.

[franciejones]

Originally Posted by mammasita

So, I met a guy from POF last week. We went out this past Friday, met up Wednesday after work and have plans for this weekend, well tonight (more on this at the end). I really like this guy, but in typical me fashion....I think and feel things in hyper speed, like rushed...and yes I know it's not normal/right/healthy and I don't plan on being that girl anymore.

So I ask this.....how do these things normally progress? How should this progress? Should I just act nonchalant? What's the normal time frame for having a talk about being exclusive? About closing OLD accounts? I'm just so lost. My last relationship when from meeting to exclusive in 2 weeks to moving in after 3 months.

Way fast, I know. I just really don't know how to do this.

About tonight, he initially said he wanted to hang out tonight and then tomorrow.....but he just messaged me to say that tomorrow will most likely be the guys but he still wants to see me tonight. I'm not used to having a life outside my relationship (sad I know) so my heart kind of dropped when he said that. I do want to add that if you all remember any of my posts, I did have internal issues when my ex wanted man time.

There is no right answer..but here is mine. If he wanted you for both nights and then changed to one night and a guy night...that seems a bit inconsiderate. If you have not been together long...don't get too invested...and do not have sex. I am not talking about withholding sex...I am talking about not giving him what he wants ...so then he is satisfied to blow you off when it suits him. That is just me. Also...I am kind of a snarky girl...and I would be annoyed and blow him off at the last minute..and not give a reason. I would just be ready to be done with that...there are SO MANY people in the world..none of us has to settle. ON the flipside..I think dating is dangerous for women. Men are the biggest threat to use in general...and have been since the beginning of time. I tend to be more cautious as a rule..even when just socializing.

[Daisynyc]

I'm a long ways out of the dating scene, but here is my 2 cents:

To be happy in any relationship or in life in general, you do in fact need to "have a life". You posted that you are not used to having a life outside your relationships and I would say that I know of not a single happy marriage or couple where that is the case. Not having a life outside of a relationship is almost like not existing except when you're with someone else.

You sound like a smart cookie, so I am sure I don't have to tell you that you have to be - and love - yourself first, foremost and always.

Seeing this guy multiple times in a week when you just met him - in part because you sort of have nothing else going on - is not a good idea. Sign up for a class, join a club, volunteer - start doing something else in the evenings and see this guy 1-2 times per week maximum for at least a month or two. No exclusivity or intimacy at first.

I think it's great that you're analyzing this. I say force yourself to put the brakes on. If a guy likes you, he'll be patient. GL!!

[mammasita]

I'm pretty much confused because I'm SO easy going that I tend to let things slip by that should probably be red flags.

[franciejones]

I heard a great piece of dating advice once:

Go out with a person..once a week for 90 days. That is 12 dates. No sex. This is apparently the honeymoon period of a relationship that wears off...in 90 days.

If I were single...that is how I would do it. It should let you get to know all the goods and bads...see if you are actually a proper fit.

[mammasita]

Originally Posted by franciejones

I heard a great piece of dating advice once:

Go out with a person..once a week for 90 days. That is 12 dates. No sex. This is apparently the honeymoon period of a relationship that wears off...in 90 days.

If I were single...that is how I would do it. It should let you get to know all the goods and bads...see if you are actually a proper fit.

Great idea. I actually have no intention of sleeping with the guy right away. My feelings are no sex without monogomy - coined by the Millionaire Matchmaker LOL

[merilung]

Originally Posted by franciejones

I heard a great piece of dating advice once:

Go out with a person..once a week for 90 days. That is 12 dates. No sex. This is apparently the honeymoon period of a relationship that wears off...in 90 days.

If I were single...that is how I would do it. It should let you get to know all the goods and bads...see if you are actually a proper fit.

YMMV, of course, as I would break up with someone if we hadn't had sex in the first 30 days, even if we were only seeing each other once a week. For me, sex is a big part of seeing if we're a proper fit as a couple - I'm just not willing to waste that much time with a person and find out later that we're not sexually compatible, that they have a low sex drive, etc.

If you prefer not to have sex for 90 days or 200 days or even until marriage, great! I strongly recommend waiting until you're comfortable and happy with the choice to have sex, but I don't think that delaying sex until an arbitrary date is automatically going to make your relationship stronger. I had slept with my husband on the second date (and I would have on the first date if we had the opportunity) and we've been blissfully happy for nearly 10 years!

[franciejones]

[QUOTE=merilung;4744408]YMMV, of course, as I would break up with someone if we hadn't had sex in the first 30 days, even if we were only seeing each other once a week. For me, sex is a big part of seeing if we're a proper fit as a couple - I'm just not willing to waste that much time with a person and find out later that we're not sexually compatible, that they have a low sex drive, etc.

If you prefer not to have sex for 90 days or 200 days or even until marriage, great! I strongly recommend waiting until you're comfortable and happy with the choice to have sex, but I don't think that delaying sex until an arbitrary date is automatically going to make your relationship stronger. I had slept with my husband on the second date (and I would have on the first date if we had the opportunity) and we've been blissfully happy for nearly 10 years![/QUOT

My only reason for relaying what I had heard was because often it is hard to figure out a persons real personality in the beginning...and if you are unsure of a person it is a good piece of info to think about. I am not saying to NOT have sex..I am saying it is a good way to weed people out. You could do this 90 day thing with 5 different people. The choices are endless. You may figure out after TEN days that you are not really interested...and if you never had sex...it is easier to walk away for some. You know what I mean? It had nothing to do with making a relationship stronger. I myself in the past had sex right away too...I needed to know if the sex was any good...but I went through a lot more A-holes that way..I could have figured them out really quick too if I have just held off on the physical part. Some people "fall" for someone as soon as they have sex and it's just a waste of time.

[mammasita]

Yes, I'm in the group that becomes attached when sex is thrown in the mix so I prefer to wait.

I agree that setting an arbitrary date is not necessary, but I know for me, its best if I don't get physical on the first, second or even third date. Based on past experiences, Id probably give it a month or so. Again, no magic number or day - just round about a month to figure out intentions.

[Quiet Ballerina]

To break it down:
You met last week.
Went out Friday.
Went out Wednesday.
Have plans for tonight.

That seems like a LOT! Especially considering you just met. I don't think it's fair at all to hold it against him for wanting a guys night.

I mean this gently, but I really think you should find some interests/hobbies/friends of your own. Don't put all your energy and focus on him. Give the relationship time to grow on its own.

[mammasita]

Originally Posted by Quiet Ballerina

To break it down:
You met last week.
Went out Friday.
Went out Wednesday.
Have plans for tonight.

That seems like a LOT! Especially considering you just met. I don't think it's fair at all to hold it against him for wanting a guys night.

I mean this gently, but I really think you should find some interests/hobbies/friends of your own. Don't put all your energy and focus on him. Give the relationship time to grow on its own.

No offense taken at all. I KNOW thats one of my "cons" per se.

I am honestly trying to get out there, Ive joined a couple interest groups on meetup.

[jmko]

Everyone is different. Everyone works and dates at different speeds. If you tend to be on hyperdrive when you date, that's just you. I'm not saying this is good or bad, that's just how you are. Similarly with not having a life outside of your relationship, again, that's just you. It may not be "ideal" to some people but that's who you are. That being said...

Make sure you feel him out. You have been out with him a lot considering you just met him, as quietballerina pointed out to you. Feel him out, get to know him. It's clear that you like him or you wouldn't be so disappointed about him having guys night. But think about the reasons WHY you like him and why it bothers you that he's having a guys night (sorry, I haven't seen your other posts). I think once you figure these two things out things will be easier how to proceed. Keep doing what you do - keep going on with your life as you were before you met him. You're not exclusive yet (have the talk when it's natural and when you're both ready - you'll know that is), so keep doing what you were doing. Nothing else should change aside from when you see him. Does that make sense?

My BF and I met on Match.com and it's a long story, but - when we did start dating face-to-face we were on hyperdrive, too. We've seen each other everyday since we met (short of a week when I was on a business trip), moved in not too long after that, but we're also the type of couple where we do EVERYTHING together (except work and bathroom, you get it). But, we have the same personality, expect the same things. We still have our friends and our hobbies, but we've included each other and incorporated each other. He has "guy time" about once week where he goes paddleboarding and I stay home and I bake. My dislike of him having guy time before stemmed from my own insecurities and past experiences. Now that I trust him fully and I know he's not gone for long I'm okay with it, but it took a while to get to this point.

Hope this helps Message me if you want to chat a little more

[franciejones]

Originally Posted by jmko

Everyone is different. Everyone works and dates at different speeds. If you tend to be on hyperdrive when you date, that's just you. I'm not saying this is good or bad, that's just how you are. Similarly with not having a life outside of your relationship, again, that's just you. It may not be "ideal" to some people but that's who you are. That being said...

Make sure you feel him out. You have been out with him a lot considering you just met him, as quietballerina pointed out to you. Feel him out, get to know him. It's clear that you like him or you wouldn't be so disappointed about him having guys night. But think about the reasons WHY you like him and why it bothers you that he's having a guys night (sorry, I haven't seen your other posts). I think once you figure these two things out things will be easier how to proceed. Keep doing what you do - keep going on with your life as you were before you met him. You're not exclusive yet (have the talk when it's natural and when you're both ready - you'll know that is), so keep doing what you were doing. Nothing else should change aside from when you see him. Does that make sense?

My BF and I met on Match.com and it's a long story, but - when we did start dating face-to-face we were on hyperdrive, too. We've seen each other everyday since we met (short of a week when I was on a business trip), moved in not too long after that, but we're also the type of couple where we do EVERYTHING together (except work and bathroom, you get it). But, we have the same personality, expect the same things. We still have our friends and our hobbies, but we've included each other and incorporated each other. He has "guy time" about once week where he goes paddleboarding and I stay home and I bake. My dislike of him having guy time before stemmed from my own insecurities and past experiences. Now that I trust him fully and I know he's not gone for long I'm okay with it, but it took a while to get to this point.

Hope this helps Message me if you want to chat a little more

Great post! I have been with my husband 14 years...and we are INSEPARABLE! Seriously...we text constantly and are very huggy and kissy...say I love you more than a dozen times per day. We were that way from day one. Completely magnetic. It is a rarity...and I count myself so very lucky! So...you never can tell when it will happen...

[punkrocksong]

I suppose I'm at that point in my relationship where I'm happy when my husband has a man date! And he's perfectly fine with my going out with my friends too, plus we don't have really any mutual friends so even though we've been together for over 13 years we definitely have lives outside of our relationship.

The red flag is that he made plans with you and then backed out. I'm not sure how old you are but I guess if it's a younger guy the pressure from his friends could sway him even if he is really into you. On the other hand, if this guy is in his 30's and would rather hang with his guy friends that get to know you better I would be a little more concerned. Everyone is different though.

If you really think you might like this guy then tread cautiously - and try to have a life outside of your relationship. You'll be thankful for it once you've been married for more than five years.