Title says it all... they really do. The older I get, the more it bothers me. WHen I was younger I could take it with a grain of salt and tell myself, "That's ok, one day I'll show them." But I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm not going to show them.
I'm the only member of my immediate family who has graduated from college. And also, my IQ is high. I recognize that IQ tests can be off and everything... but I've taken three in my life, and every time I've scored at the genius or near genius level. It's safe to say I'm not an idiot... but my family seems to think I am. And it's caused me some real grief over the years.
I have vision problems. I have severe tunnel vision in both eyes and I was also born with a pale octave nerve. This has caused me some problems over the years. But, I live a pretty normal life other then not being able to drive. They use this as an excuse for the way they treat me a lot...
What sparked this was an incident earlier today. My Mom does my taxes every year. She always has. She does everyone in my family's taxes. She's good at it. Well, she had my refund deposited into her checking account for some reason. She says because it was easier for her. So, for two weeks I"ve been trying to get my tax refund from her. Today I told her I need it soon because I have to pay my electric bill. My electric bill actually isn't due until next week, but I figured maybe if she thinks I have a bill due she might have a heart and give me MY money. But that sparked this whole discussion about how much my electric bill is, and I made the mistake of telling her. SHe was like, "Well, that's pretty high. Are you sure you aren't paying it for the whole house?" I live in a loft apartment. It's two apartments in this building, and she thinks I'm being duped by my landlord into paying the electric for the whole house. She thought this last summer too for some reason and wouldn't let it go. And the last place I lived in, she thought I was paying the heating bill for the whole building. I told her I'm not paying it for the whole house and I'm not going to discuss this any further. She pouted the whole way to the bank and back and didn't speak to me.
This is just one small thing though...
All my siblings got to take trips when they graduated high school. My sister went to Toronto, my brother went to Cancun, and my other brother and his girlfriend went to Belize. My parents paid for all these trips. I didn't get to go anywhere. They said it was because I was the oldest child and the first to graduate and they didn't have the kind of money stashed away that they did when my other sibs graduated. Ok, fair enough. When I graduated college I was planning a trip for myself to New Orleans. I was paying for this on my own... But then Katrina hit and I didn't get to go.
So, back in 2008, my parents decided that they felt bad that I never got to take a trip. I had been saving to go to Europe for a while. They decided they were going to send me to Europe. So I spent a year preparing for this. I got a passport, bought luggage, arranged vacation time with my job, etc. Then when it came time to buy the plane ticket, suddenly they decided they aren't going to do this for me. Reason: They don't think I am mentally capable of getting from gate to gate at the airport because of my vision problems. Well, that's BS. And, even if I was having trouble seeing, I'm sure most airport employees could help direct me if I was lost or something. I was devastated. Not only about the loss of this trip that I had been looking forward to and saving up for... but also that my family thinks I'm really that incompetent. And they broke the news to me at a family gathering in front of everyone. When I cried I was told to stop acting like a baby.
Since then I have been to Europe twice. Them taking it away from me made me more determined to go. And the first time I went, I made it a point to do it with NO help from family at all. And when I say no help from family, I mean, I didn't even have a family member give me a ride to the travel agency to buy the plane ticket. I had a friend take me to the airport, etc. I told them too, I'm doing this without their help since they think I'm too stupid to do it. I said I was going to show them I could do it on my own. When I was over there I made several friends who I still talk to and I was offered a job working at a music festival the following spring. I went back in the spring and worked at a pretty famous festival that attracts people from all over the world. I had the time of my life. But, my family still thinks I'm stupid.
When my dad passed away he left a big chunk of money to us kids. But it was willed to my Mom to divide up amongst us as she saw fit. There was enough for each of us to have 10k. My brothers each got 10k, my sister got 20, and I got nothing. I was told that they thought I was just going to use it on something pointless like traveling. My sister used it to buy a house, something practical. Yes, I probably would have used some of it to take a trip. But not all of it. I would have saved the rest. And if I want to travel, that's my business. I'm an adult.
And since this is a weight loss forum... you can only imagine how they've given me crap about my weight over the years. My Mom and my sister have been skinny all their lives and have lightning fast metabolisms. My Mom is in her mid fifties and still has a bikini body. Unfortunately I got my Dad's genetics.
Sorry to go on with the sob story. It just bothers me and I felt like writing about it. Any comments are welcome.
I have to admit, you've got me curious about your utility bills. :lol
Joking aside, this sounds incredibly toxic. It sounds like your family is pretty set in its dysfunctional roles / has a very fixed view of "who you are," and nothing you do to stand up for yourself will change that so long as they're unwilling to alter their belief in this less-than-competent illusion of you. It might have started out with good intentions once upon a time (from a place of making allowances for your vision limitations), but even if you take that generous reading of it, things have clearly devolved into some pretty cruel abuse. The inheritance thing? That'd be enough for me to severe ties. Not because of the money, but because of the message your mom sent about your relative value.
I'm really sorry - I can only imagine how painful this has been over the years. If I were you I'd try to completely separate my life from them and go on my way. That'd be incredibly difficult, too - pick up and move across the country, cut ties, that kind of thing - but that's a challenge to be met, quite different from systemic emotional abuse. You deserve better.
I have to admit, you've got me curious about your utility bills. :lol
Joking aside, this sounds incredibly toxic. It sounds like your family is pretty set in its dysfunctional roles / has a very fixed view of "who you are," and nothing you do to stand up for yourself will change that so long as they're unwilling to alter their belief in this less-than-competent illusion of you. It might have started out with good intentions once upon a time (from a place of making allowances for your vision limitations), but even if you take that generous reading of it, things have clearly devolved into some pretty cruel abuse. The inheritance thing? That'd be enough for me to severe ties. Not because of the money, but because of the message your mom sent about your relative value.
I'm really sorry - I can only imagine how painful this has been over the years. If I were you I'd try to completely separate my life from them and go on my way. That'd be incredibly difficult, too - pick up and move across the country, cut ties, that kind of thing - but that's a challenge to be met, quite different from systemic emotional abuse. You deserve better.
OH, moving has crossed my mind so many times. If immigration didn't make it practically impossible I would probably be living in Norway right now. I fell in love with Oslo when I was in Europe and never wanted to come home. And I seriously researched moving there when I got back in the states. It's one of the hardest countries to legally move too, unfortunately.
My boyfriend and I have talked about moving far away also. But we haven't decided exactly where or when. I have a lot of friends in St. Louis, we've considered going there.
I know they don't really value me much. I was an accident and when I was a kid both of my parents made sure I knew it. They told me on more then one occasion that I ruined their lives. Even as a kid I was smart enough to know what bullshit that was. If they didn't want a kid at that time they could have used a condom or my Mom could have went on the pill. It wasn't my choice to be conceived.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm not in a situation like this so my advice might go nowhere, but i think you need to get away from that environment. I'm not saying abandon your family and never talk to them again, but I wouldn't me affectionate. I don't really know how to explain it. But I know being the sensitive person I am, would not deal with that well. I sincerely hope you're able to find what makes you happy and stick with it in every aspect of your life.
Oh. My. God. This is the most infuriating thing I've ever read. I would have told my mother off and severed ties by now. There are just so many things wrong with this. I was conceived while my mother was in college and unmarried, I knew from a very early age that I was a mistake but not because anyone ever actually said it to me. I also knew that should had several options and however difficult it made her life she chose to keep me. How disgusting that your family has actually said those words to you. I can't even imagine how hurtful that is.
The trip thing is AWFUL. Yeah, sure, fine they didn't have the money when you graduated but to take back a later trip because you aren't competent to get yourself around? UGH.
Then you don't get an inheritance because you'd spend it on something she considered stupid? That's so awful and such a neon sign as to how she feels about you. I can't believe you siblings didn't offer to give you some of theirs, especially your sister. Jeez.
I say you are better off without them and should move far, far away and avoid communication with them. Ugh. I'm SO angry for you. Sorry that this stuff has happened to you /hug
My heart broke for you reading your post. While I didn't have the same situation as you, the family dynamics part is similar. In my case, my parents catered to my siblings because "you're the oldest and always have been self-sufficient, we don't have to worry about you."
It's taken me a long time (I'm 37) but I had to break free from all of them. I live over an hour away from my closest relative and it's for a reason. I don't want to run into them anywhere, I don't want to see them, I don't want to hear any of their sob stories. I also don't accept their phone calls and very rarely will I reply to a text message (they finally stopped sending them for the most part.) That sounds awful but they had me so stressed out I couldn't see straight.
I'm not saying you should abandon your family but I would take out the personal stuff from everyone. No longer have your mom do your taxes (they are none of her business anyways), plus you can't get YOUR tax refund from her? I'd be LIVID. And for them to say anything about your weight? Like my family, screw em! (I haven't seen hardly anyone in my family since I started losing weight, I don't need to hear anything nice or negative from them. This is about me and my husband, no one else.)
I related so much with your post that it got me all wound up inside. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. And so proud that you did your traveling and enjoy your life with or without their support. Just because we are related to someone doesn't mean they own us or control us no matter what age we are. I just wish I was smart enough to know this years ago.
WOW! You are a saint for being able to still deal with your mom and rising above it. At first, when you were talking about the electric bill, I just figured that she was butting into your business, but not necessarily treating you as stupid. (My dad does this to me ALL the time because he is much more thrifty than I am with money, but he tells me all the time that I am smarter than him. Actually, I have to admit that I wish that I had more of his discipline when it comes to being frugal).
Anyway, as I read on I --- like Daki and others - got upset, because I could picture myself being in that situation and how hurt I would be.
Let me just say this: I hope that your mother did not ACTUALLY give all the money out to your siblings and that she has money still reserved for you. (It seems odd to me that she would give $10K to each of your brothers and give your share to your sister.) If it were me, and when it came time to put a down payment on a house, I'd go to her and ask her for your share... and see if she has it stashed away for you. Given what you've said about her, I wouldn't put it past her to do that for -- what in her mind -- would be "for your own good." But if she DIDN'T do that, and she really did give your share of the money to your sister, I think that is truly despicable.
Your family is abusive. The way they treat you is harmful, disgusting, and WRONG. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been. I can say all of this with absolute certainty because I also come from an abusive family and have been treated very similarly.
Have you ever heard about toxic people and/or how to set up boundaries with toxic people and others who may try to harm you? Have you ever been to therapy? A therapist can teach your strategies, scripts, and skills for handling toxic people. They really can destroy your self-esteem and inhibit your life path.
I think you're a pretty remarkable person for doing so well despite all of the crap that's been thrown at you. You're smart, you're independent, you take risks, you've been to college... .
I really like Captain Awkward. Not everything she has to say in these posts will pertain to you, but I think you can pick out the good bits:
My family thinks I am absolutely incompetent and irrational as well, and for years I really believed they were right. It wasn’t out of any unkindness, but just because of my personality, I guess. My older sister was always so practical. She has always made the right decision, and she shares a lot of the same core values as the rest of my family. Thus, she’s made life-decisions that are more in-line with their thinking. I’ve always been a little… off, and I admit, my personality has created a set of impediments in my life that my sister does not have. I am a push-over. I am sensitive. I am generally a distracted individual. I have never been practical. Thus, I have made some poor decisions, but none that have in any way seriously messed my life up. I graduated college with honors and currently have a good job and a great guy. I just made it a little harder on myself along the way than it had to be. All of this combined means that I have parents and a sister that still treat me as if my life is always on the verge of crumbling, when really I am generally quite happy and well-adjusted after years of improving in all of the areas listed above. I know it’s out of love for me that they worry, but in the process they have really degraded my belief in my abilities to live as a functional adult.
One time, during a very legitimate argument (one in which I didn’t want to have… my sister “told on me” after I talked to her about it), in which I was forced to explain how I felt that my boyfriend and I were being treated differently because we were living together before marriage, my dad, while in the midst of a yelling diatribe in which I was trying to calmly speak, actually accused my boyfriend of “brainwashing me.” (In front of others, as well) Which, I believe, all came down to the fact they know my boyfriend has a strong personality, and he really thought I was so weak-willed that my bf had to have brainwashed me to make me feel that way. It was absolutely insane, and it's not the first time he's engaged in some bullying behavior. That, however, is just one instance of gaslighting that I have dealt with for years any time that I try to voice an opinion about anything. I am always being “irrational.”
I didn’t mean to write a novel about myself, except to tell you that I know what you are going through to a small degree. It is so frustrating, but I am so glad that your experience hasn’t shaped you like mine did. You seem very confident in your abilities, and that is so awesome. I would also recommend (like elvislover) that you disconnect your life some. My family unit is very close, but it’s almost unhealthily close. I’ve had to disconnect myself in a lot of different ways, but none that are too drastic. Still, it has improved my relationship with my family so much. It leaves a lot less room for them to treat me in ways I am not fond of.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 05-08-2013 at 02:52 PM.
My family thinks I am absolutely incompetent and irrational as well, and for years I really believed they were right. It wasn’t out of any unkindness, but just because of my personality, I guess. My older sister was always so practical. She has always made the right decision, and she shares a lot of the same core values as the rest of my family. Thus, she’s made life-decisions that are more in-line with their thinking. I’ve always been a little… off, and I admit, my personality has created a set of impediments in my life that my sister does not have. I am a push-over. I am sensitive. I am generally a distracted individual. I have never been practical. Thus, I have made some poor decisions, but none that have in any way seriously messed my life up. I graduated college with honors and currently have a good job and a great guy. I just made it a little harder on myself along the way than it had to be. All of this combined means that I have parents and a sister that still treat me as if my life is always on the verge of crumbling, when really I am generally quite happy and well-adjusted after years of improving in all of the areas listed above. I know it’s out of love for me that they worry, but in the process they have really degraded my belief in my abilities to live as a functional adult.
One time, during a very legitimate argument (one in which I didn’t want to have… my sister “told on me” after I talked to her about it), in which I was forced to explain how I felt that my boyfriend and I were being treated differently because we were living together before marriage, my dad, while in the midst of a yelling diatribe in which I was trying to calmly speak, actually accused my boyfriend of “brainwashing me.” (In front of others, as well) Which, I believe, all came down to the fact they know my boyfriend has a strong personality, and he really thought I was so weak-willed that my bf had to have brainwashed me to make me feel that way. It was absolutely insane, and it's not the first time he's engaged in some bullying behavior. That, however, is just one instance of gaslighting that I have dealt with for years any time that I try to voice an opinion about anything. I am always being “irrational.”
I didn’t mean to write a novel about myself, except to tell you that I know what you are going through to a small degree. It is so frustrating, but I am so glad that your experience hasn’t shaped you like mine did. You seem very confident in your abilities, and that is so awesome. I would also recommend (like elvislover) that you disconnect your life some. My family unit is very close, but it’s almost unhealthily close. I’ve had to disconnect myself in a lot of different ways, but none that are too drastic. Still, it has improved my relationship with my family so much. It leaves a lot less room for them to treat me in ways I am not fond of.
Surly, by all means, correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds -- at least - that your family does what they do out of concern for you --- even though they should be respecting you as an adult to make your own choices. Sometimes parents find it hard to let go. Its one thing (and IMO fine) for a parent to always want to be there for their kids, and to give advice, etc. But its another thing for them to try to control their kids' lives as if they were still children. Either way, when these things happen, you can at least understand where they are coming from. They do what they do out of concern for their kids.
But in DazeGypsy's situation, her family - in my view - crossed over the line of being paternalistic - to not even acting like a family at all anymore.
I'm not going to say our situations sound similiar - everyone has their own personal situations. I had a situation with my mother...I won't go into details but in short, I ended up in therapy for years. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, what I had done to deserve the treatment I was getting. There were thoughts that went through my mind over and over - "I'm her daughter, she's supposed to love me and nurture me," "I was a good kid," it goes on and on.
My therapist gave me this book, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." Maybe you won't relate to it, maybe you will. It opened up my eyes to things about my mother I think would have taken me years and years of therapy to realize.
In the end, after trying and trying and trying to connect with my mother I decided it was better to cut her out of my life. For months I had no contact with her. It was easier for me to come to terms with knowing she wouldn't be there for sure, than having that hope that out of the million times I tried, I would get one good response. I know it was the hope that kept me going back, but in the end, it was killing me. We still live in the same state, but we don't speak unless absolutely necessary. And even then, she's pretty cold.
No one deserves treatment like this. I feel like it's one of the true evils in the world - children that don't have nurturing parents. I think after a certain point, people are stuck in their ways (unless they have some great epiphany) and we need to realize that. The only thing that can change is you. And if you've tried that, extract yourself from the situation. Don't put yourself there if you don't have to. Everyone is right - you deserve better. Go out there and find it without her. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life not because you don't care about them, it simply means you respect YOU more.
Family treats me like a dumbass... rant.
