I noticed a pattern in my social life. I tend to attract flaky friends. This goes back to even middle school and I am now almost 27. I really think I am a positive, pleasant, considerate person.
I’m sitting here on a Friday night, drinking a glass of white wine by myself. I finished work at 9pm and stopped at the liquor store on the way home and bought 2 bottles of wine. I made plans with a girlfriend to have a “wine night” tonight. I now feel certain she gave me the texting run around. 15 min ago she texted me that she was leaving some bar (when she knew I was planning on meeting her tonight). This is not the first time something like this has happened with her.
I’ve had other flaky friends issues as well. My college friends really haven’t kept in touch. I feel like I reach out to them way more than they reach out to me. My town got demolished by Sandy and not one of them reached out in any way. Most of them at least knew I live in the general Jersey shore area and not even a text message asking if I was alright.
At this point in my life my career is coming together and I want to have a good social life. I am relocating in August and want some advice on how to clean up this area of my life in a new city. I don’t want to be having the same problems in my new place.
my question would be if you can really choose in this way? I don't know the answer.
You're off somewhere new and you'll make friends there with the people you like and have something in common with - i don't know if it's possible or desirable to change this? Do you just have to trust these new friends and not reject them by pre-judgement?
My thoughts would be that you should enjoy the opportunity of meeting new people in a new place and see what happens (whilst being conscious of not having one-sided relationships as they develop - which you already are).
Good luck with the relocation, it sounds like a great opportunity for new opportunities!
I think I don't put myself out there as much as I should. This is probably partially due to my weight issues/insecurities. I think I should force myself to join a kick ball league or something once I relocate and just get out more. I tend to find friends by default. I need to be more intentional. Pick people who I have things in common with and also pull the plug once the first signs of "flakiness" emerge.
if you're in a new place (on your own?) then it'll come naturally that you'll feel that you should make an effort to be pro-active in meeting people - sounds like you're intending all the right things to me! But it IS hard to do - but as i'm saying (very badly) i think you'll be extra-motivated by the change. Good luck with it and forget about what happened with your 'friend' tonight - she does sound on the flakey side!
You teach people how to treat you. Although I wouldn't say it's your fault, there might be a common reason why people are flaking out on you and I'm willing to bet it's because you've let it slide. You probably think you're being nice and saying "oh it's alright, I'll see you next time" rather than saying what you really feel.
The most important things about friendship is being honest and upfront. No need to be mean but I would say "why did you flake out on me yesterday, I thought we had plans?" And then the excuses will start, you'll hear a bunch of them and then reply "well, I had set that night aside for us, I went out and bought us wine for our wine evening and then you bailed, that's not very nice."
After that be careful when you make plans with her again. Immediately ask her if she intends to keep these plans and ask her point blank if she's going to bail on you. Sometimes you just have to hold people accountable.
That's awful about Sandy. Nothing you can do about that now, unless you're willing to call your friends and say "hey, you remember back when Sandy hit? I was really surprised that you didn't call me to find out if I was ok." Other than that, feel lucky that you are relocating and finding new friends.
I know what you are saying. I have a lot of Facebook friends, yet almost none of them reach out to me. That is flakey and frustrating, and it seems like you are frustrated too? (Not to speak for you)
I, too feel self conscious going out in public, meeting new people, partially because of my weight. On the other hand though, I feel like if I kind of want to try. I am tired of being too lonely. I would rather have a few good friends than tons of flakey ones!
Well, Scarlett, I understand where you are coming from, I think. It is upsetting when people don't reciprocate the effort I make giving into a relationship. I think tough times reveal people's true colors and true friends. So, I hope we can both reach out more and find less flakes!
I agree with everything WannaBeSkinny said. I've had quite a few friendship conflicts, some of which were my fault, most weren't. Right now my group of friends is dealing with one of our own, letting her boyfriend control and brainwash her. It's really sad to see. We are all put on the back burner even though we're all a big part of the reason they're still together. And now, with her I don't rely on anything she says and quite frankly, I don't even offer anything up to her. If she has an idea or wants to make a plan, then great. And we're 23-26 years old. It's very frustrating.
But you definitely need to be more up front. Especially since you're getting a chance to relocate and start over. I find that friends of mine who are willing to say "Remington, why'd you do that" or "Why did you bail on us or not answer your phone". I find I MYSELF have more respect for them because of that. Again you don't need to be rude. But it's hard to get respect, when people see that you're not really respecting yourself. Which again I don't know if that's whats actually going on. But it does sound like you could be a pushover (I mean that with NO offense, just lack of better phrase).
I think it would be a great idea to join a team or sport of some kind. Not only would you get exercise, but you'll get thrown in the social soup, and probably come out meeting and knowing some pretty rad people.
I have the same issue, the select few old friends I have left have become very self-absorbed and selfish. I have to pull teeth to even get them to answer the phone half the time...don't get me wrong I'm not overly needy but a call once in a while would be nice. Seems like they only want to communicate via text and I'm sorry that gets old. I start a new job Sunday so hopefully that's an opportunity to make some new friends finally.
I'm sure the move will present you with an opportunity to meet new people as well. Change is good.
Ugh. I feel your pain. It's such a disappointment when friends flake on you. Unfortunately, I have more sympathy than advice.
I don't agree with wannabeskinny. If I was making plans with someone and she immediately asked "are you going to bail on me again like last time?" it would rub me the wrong way. It would seem like that "friend" was expecting the worst from me.
I could understand if this was someone I frequently cancelled on, but if I had only cancelled once or twice before -- ouch. Seems kind of harsh.
On the other hand, I do agree somewhat with calling out these friends.
With the wine night friend, I probably would have tried to call/text to check on the status of plans during the day. (Not sure what you mean when you say she was giving you the run around -- was she ignoring texts? Avoiding the subject?)
And then once I got the wine, I would have sent another text "Hey (friend)! I just picked up the wine and I'm on my way to my place. Heading this way soon?"
Unfortunately, sometimes it won't help. At that point, it's up to you to decide: do you want to stay in a friendship where you usually have to make more effort? Or do you want to let the friendship run it's course and potentially fade out?
meetup.com can be a good way to make friends with similar interests.
I'm in my 30's just so you know. A lot of my friends I only communicate with through Facebook. If it wasn't for Facebook, we would have lost touch a long time ago.
I really only have one or two close friends that I go and do things with. If you have more than that, then you're really lucky. Most folks in your life will only be friends but never a BEST friend, if you know what I mean. So maybe with some of these folks you need to figure out just how close you guys are.
Plus, most folks these days, especially as they get older, have their own lives to lead and a lot of priorities. It's not the same as when we were younger and carefree.
But yeah, the girl who was supposed to hang with you for a wine night did you dirty. I would have definitely been asking her why she bailed and what was up with going to a bar instead?
For some back story – this particular friend has been very very good to me in the past but just has a history of this flaky type behavior. She’ll do the most amazing favor for you one day and then pull some stupid stunt the next. for example, once I was over her house and we were drinking. Her boyfriend was waiting for her to join him at some bar. She took his calls and kept saying that we were waiting for a cab that must have gotten lost. I kept thinking why can’t you just say you don’t feel like going out rather than giving him the run around. It’s tough though because she’s done so much for me.
A big part of me thinks that this relocation is a convenient solution to dealing with this person. I really enjoy her company but am increasingly finding some of her behavior annoying and childish.
I think the bit about holding people accountable is spot on. I know everyone has things that come up but once it becomes blatant flakiness, I think it is time to say something. I can live with the fact that our meeting never happened, but texting me all day like we’re going to hang out and then going to a bar without me is uncalled for. I will make a stronger effort to nicely say something if an issue arises. I am the “nice girl” and have a hard time bringing stuff like this up. I also need to be tougher about staying away from people who show “signs” and not rationalizing them. I should cut people off when the signs first arrive, before I get too attached.
Flakey Friends - Need Advice
