Ok, so I have a previous post on here where I was worried if I was spending enough time with my partner, but more seriously I'm concerned about whether I should be in a relationship with him at all! We've been together just over three months and (as I've said in my previous post) he's great. He treats me very well, he respects my boundaries and doesn't pressure me for sex, he takes me out all the time to nice restaurants and cooks for me, he's caring and understanding when I'm upset and will celebrate my successes with me when I do well without being jealous, we're in an exclusive public relationship (on Facebook, met each other's friends and family (and some of his work colleagues) etc.). And for the first 3 months I was just so infatuated by it all, that I kind of lost sight of reality....I have a few factors that make me think that maybe I should call it quits before I get too emotionally involved:
1. We have a very large age gap. I'm 23 and he's nearly 47.
2. We could both be considered as "on the rebound" when we met and starting dating. I had just that very week ended a serious relationship of over 2 years (we were just about to get engaged) and he was in the last stages of finalising his second divorce (it was fully finalised last month).
3. He is potentially looking at moving overseas to further his career. He has said that I can come with him but there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. I've got my own career here and gut feeling is saying that moving overseas with him would be a horribly bad idea.
4. He's kind of clingy. I'm a girl who likes independence and space, but he's pretty full on (in my opinion) with the phone calls, text messages, meeting up all the time, etc.
5. He's been divorced twice. I'm ready to find "The One" to settle down with (and getting married is very important to me). Third marriages have a failure rate of 73%. When you consider our huge age gap in there as well, we'd practically be guaranteed to divorce.
He's a great guy and awesome for having fun with in the short term, but I'm honestly not sure about how realistic it would be to be able to built a solid long-term future with him. What do you think? Should I call it quits, or hang in there?
Trust your instincts. It's never a good sign when you're overwhelmed by texts, emails etc from the other person. If you're considering a long term relationship with him then you have to address those issues now. But it doesn't sound like you want to. Honestly, you're a bit young and have a ways to go before settling down with someone who's that much older than you, not that I'm criticizing age gaps because I've seen age gaps work many times. But it doesn't sound like it's working for you right at this time. Trust your gut!
No one can tell you what to do, but your age gap is not an insignificant thing to consider. he is more than twice your age and while that can be fun for dating, how do you feel about it long term.
Do you want to have children? Does he want to have more children? Can you see yourself hanging with his crowd/friends? Or expect him to hang with yours? etc.
I'm not saying it can't work. I know several people with large gap relationships that work, but you both have to be on the same page and have to be realistic about what it all means for long term.
I say, do as your heart wills it. My hubby and I have a decade gap, he had just gotten out of a really nasty divorce, and I out of an 8 year long relationship when we found each other. Neither were looking when we found each other...but here we are today, nearly 8 years later, married, with a kid, and happier than we could have ever been previously. It helps that we "get" each other. And zombies. What can I say? Who else besides me would have been willing to give him a zombie wedding?
I'd move on if I were you. Now, I know age gaps can work, but as a wife and mother - if you were my 23 year old daughter, I'd say find a young guy without the kids and divorce drama. Take it slow and have fun with someone who is in the same stage of life as you. I met my (29 year old single childless) husband at 23 as well, and I think the best part of our courtship was just being young, single, and having all the time in the world to randomly go through life stages together, travel, spontaneous fun.
I think the issue of the age gap has been discussed and could really go either way. Some make it work, others don't.
The bigger issue I see is that he's going to be moving overseas and you have no desire to go. I honestly see no reason to continue the relationship for this reason alone. Long distance relationships are hard enough without having doubts about the whole relationship itself. Plus, if he's that clingy, what would happen when you tell him you don't want to move? I just don't see anything good coming out of that.
Based upon what you've expressed in this (granted, limited) post, I would end it before it progresses.
If you are questioning the relationship and asking us on 3FCs our opinion, that should tell you right there to end it. Your gut instincts are almost always correct.
My husband (then boyfriend) said the same thing. At first I was unsure, but as time went on, I was enthusiastic about it. It's HARD. I did give up my career for it, although now that we have children, I'm less focused on that.
In my own experience, don't do unless you are absolutely enthusiastic about it. If you are not, it will be miserable. It's hard for me, even though I was (and still am) in agreement with it. Because if you do, and once you decide to have children with this guy (if you do), you may also be tied down elsewhere. Legally, I would not be able to take my children and go back home tomorrow if I wanted. Consider this!
Go with your gut and end it. It need not be a vicious ending, it sounds like you're in a place where you can walk away on good terms.
"BF, I've really enjoyed these past 3 months together, but we're just in different places in our lives right now. You're about to move overseas and I'm not in a position to come with you. You need to go for you, and I need to stay for me."
You can throw all the logic you want at it, but... Do you love him? Maybe you don't know each other well enough yet to answer that question, so, do you enjoy being with him? When I met my bf I was 28 and resolutely single forever, he was 41 and just coming out of a long term relationship. Turns out that as we took things slowly we just kind of fell into being really happy together and the past is just that, the past. Neither of us want children so I know it would be a completely different situation if either or both of us did. But 4 years on and I can't imagine being with anyone else, I love him to bits and he's my best friend.
If neither of you are in any great hurry to make a decision, why not let the pressure off yourself and see how it goes? If you need more space, tell him. Negotiating these things is a totally normal thing to have to do, and with a bit of give and take maybe you can find a way of being together that makes you both happy. And about him possibly moving, I'd say if you can, accept the fact that it might happen, just live your life as you've been doing, and enjoy your time together for however long it lasts, whether that's a week or forever or anything in between.
Whatever happens, I hope it works out well for you
I think if you rationalize a relationship on a public board, it is clear you do not love him. You just do not have the courage to make that decision yourself. It is time to grow up and move on, in my opinion. Better for you and better for him.
I see no future in this relationship based on the information you posted.
1) Age gap is too extreme. You're in two different life stages. It's natural for women to be attracted to older men. I dated a 36 yo when I was 23. He dumped me, and it took me a while but when I was 36 I tried to think of what it would be like to date a 23 year old and I was like, "Psh. No wonder" because it's just major differences in life experience that results in very little common ground. That makes things difficult, including just discussing the events of the day.
2) His career goals are in direct conflict with yours.
3) His divorce record would make him a poor bet without the massive age difference.
4) Assume all of that doesn't matter and you get married. He's going to retire when you're 41. Are you good with continuing to work 24 more years after he retires? And- he's going to start having health problems LONG before you do and would likely widow you while you are still quite young. Are you ok with that? If you have children, are you good with the fact that their father would be the age of a grandparent?
Sorry to be Debbie Downer but it just doesn't look like a good thing to me.
If you are questioning the relationship and asking us on 3FCs our opinion, that should tell you right there to end it. Your gut instincts are almost always correct.
Totally agree with this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee
I see no future in this relationship based on the information you posted.
1) Age gap is too extreme. You're in two different life stages. It's natural for women to be attracted to older men. I dated a 36 yo when I was 23. He dumped me, and it took me a while but when I was 36 I tried to think of what it would be like to date a 23 year old and I was like, "Psh. No wonder" because it's just major differences in life experience that results in very little common ground. That makes things difficult, including just discussing the events of the day.
2) His career goals are in direct conflict with yours.
3) His divorce record would make him a poor bet without the massive age difference.
4) Assume all of that doesn't matter and you get married. He's going to retire when you're 41. Are you good with continuing to work 24 more years after he retires? And- he's going to start having health problems LONG before you do and would likely widow you while you are still quite young. Are you ok with that? If you have children, are you good with the fact that their father would be the age of a grandparent?
Sorry to be Debbie Downer but it just doesn't look like a good thing to me.
And completely agree with this too.
someone once told me regarding relationships "if you are THAT TORN about the decision, the answer is usually NO".
Is it time to say goodbye?
