Yesterday I got together with a friend of mine - we've known each other for several years and are pretty close and have talked about a lot of things: parents, our DBFs, money, work, spirituality, etc but had never really talked about food/weight/body image stuff. Yesterday she opened up to me that she is struggling to lose 5-6 pounds. She weighs 5'5" and is currently at 135, but prefers to be at 128 and has wonderful memories of being 118 once upon a time. She talked about how she counts her calories, goes to the gym to and sees how many calories she burns in a cardio workout, tries to drink lots of water and load up on veg - all the things that so many of us do...except, clearly, she doesn't need to lose weight.
To try to give her some perspective, I said "do you know that I weigh over 200 pounds?" She was totally shocked. "You must have a lot of muscle," was her response. "I would have guessed, like, 170."
I'm not trying to make a particular point here - I just found the conversation kind of mind-boggling on several fronts. First, that she (who to me, looks skinny) puts so much time and energy into this and secondly, that she assumed I was 40 pounds lighter than I am. I guess one take-away from the conversation is that whenever I'm fretting that someone is judging me for the way I look (which doesn't happen that often any more now that I am older, more mature, in a more solid place of self-acceptance) - they could very well be more worried about their own imaginary excess five pounds and not able to even see mine.
I also tried to encourage her that life is life no matter what weight we're at. I've been in "obese" or "overweight" BMI category nearly my whole life and I've traveled the world, gotten an advanced degree, done all kinds of great things and had wonderful adventures and meaningful relationships. I guess it's a reminder to me (to her...to all of us?) that life doesn't "start" when we get to a particular number on the scale.
Thoughts? Reactions? Similar experiences with skinny friends?
One of my friends is extremely thin, like skin and bones thin. I'd never ask how much she weighs but she has a tiny frame and it's probably only about 100lbs if that. She's about 5ft 5in.
The reason she is so thin? She has stomach issues, lactose intolerance and other issues. Most things she eats hurt her stomach. She's in treatment with her doctor for the stomach issues but I think her mind shuts off the want and desire to eat for "fun" like most of us do. She eats for energy reasons and that is all.
People see her and her beautiful thin body and beautiful clothes but they have no idea the pain and suffering she goes through. Everyone thinks it's funny to tell her to go eat 10 cheeseburgers already. What she wouldn't give to be able to do that!! Well, maybe not 10 but you get the idea of the comments she gets.
Then there is me sitting next to her and everyone probably thinks I ate her food, you know? I am the extreme heavy one and she's the little thin one.
And seriously...she's probably the only one who never judged what I ate or how I looked or how heavy I was. I almost wonder if she wants to be heavy (well, heavier) as it would mean should could eat with her body in peace.
118 and 135 is a big difference - that's 17 pounds. Even 5 pounds feels like a million pounds if you're having trouble losing it. 135 is a healthy weight for someone who is 5'5, but so is 128 or 118. I think everyone here would be a little or a lot unhappy if they gained 17 pounds. My good friend who I have historically been 20 pounds heavier than now weighs more than I do and she's freaked out about it. I remember rolling my eyes when she was complaining about being over 115.
Unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn't feel thin even if they got down to a dangerously underweight BMI. It sounds like your friend is mindful of what she eats and gets regular exercise, which is something everyone should always do in a perfect world. I hope she finds peace with herself and her body image. And that you won't find it discouraging that even people who don't need to lose weight still have body image issues.
The one thing I took from your post is that she felt comfortable talking to you about it. Although I may look at her and think that she doesn't need to worry about it, she has a goal, just like all of us do. I just think it is really great that she didn't hold back because you are not the same weight she is. you must be a great listener and a good friend!
118 and 135 is a big difference - that's 17 pounds. Even 5 pounds feels like a million pounds if you're having trouble losing it. 135 is a healthy weight for someone who is 5'5, but so is 128 or 118. I think everyone here would be a little or a lot unhappy if they gained 17 pounds. My good friend who I have historically been 20 pounds heavier than now weighs more than I do and she's freaked out about it. I remember rolling my eyes when she was complaining about being over 115.
Unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn't feel thin even if they got down to a dangerously underweight BMI. It sounds like your friend is mindful of what she eats and gets regular exercise, which is something everyone should always do in a perfect world. I hope she finds peace with herself and her body image. And that you won't find it discouraging that even people who don't need to lose weight still have body image issues.
It is true its all about perspective, for instance when I was over 300lbs , 5lbs was nothing absolutely nothing you couldnt miss it on me, couldn't miss it for the world, now at 196-197 if I lose 5lbs you can see it and my pants fall down, if I lose two lbs now there is a difference in how my clothes fit, so I can only imagine what 5lbs does on a 118-135lb body. I think if any of us gained 17lbs we'd be sad so its not any different for a normal weight person XD
I know how she feels because I'm 132, working to get down to 125ish, and was at 118 at my 'best' (pre kids) physique. There was a big difference between 118-135 as to how clothes fit, what clothes looked like, and most of all, how I felt when without clothes with my husband.
To be honest, this is NOT something I would discuss when I knew someone weighed more and was also trying to lose, that, I would have to fault on her. And I would agree, that even at my (lack of) size, I certainly wouldn't view the minor details on someone else, particularly someone larger than me.
We are our own worst critics.
But to me, being once upon a time 5'5 and 118lbs which was basically a knock out @ only 22 years old then, it can be a hard pill to swallow to not be like that anymore. I don't know, it's kind of like having lots of money once upon a time, and not having it anymore. You're the same person, but you miss that extra edge.
118 and 135 is a big difference - that's 17 pounds. Even 5 pounds feels like a million pounds if you're having trouble losing it. 135 is a healthy weight for someone who is 5'5, but so is 128 or 118. I think everyone here would be a little or a lot unhappy if they gained 17 pounds. My good friend who I have historically been 20 pounds heavier than now weighs more than I do and she's freaked out about it. I remember rolling my eyes when she was complaining about being over 115.
Unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn't feel thin even if they got down to a dangerously underweight BMI. It sounds like your friend is mindful of what she eats and gets regular exercise, which is something everyone should always do in a perfect world. I hope she finds peace with herself and her body image. And that you won't find it discouraging that even people who don't need to lose weight still have body image issues.
This is so true. It really is all about perspective!
And the thing is, if I'd have caught my last regain at "only 5 pounds" and not yet even overweight, I'd have saved myself the trouble of having to lose 80+ (not counting the pregnancy weight).
I can totally understand that that 5 pounds seems like no-big-deal-vanity-pounds, but the fact of the matter is every 5 pound gain can add up, and quickly! And the smaller you are the more every single pound is seen and felt! And the only thing that really matters is how we feel about ourselves.
I catch crap all the time for continuing to pursue a "better body" because (in one friend's words) "You look fine". Well, I don't want to look fine, I want to look my best! I haven't come all this way to be acceptable, I want to be spectacular.
It's always interesting and eye-opening to see others' perspectives! One reason I have always loved 3FC.
Losing weight and issues surrounding body image are so personal, I agree with Slashnl, it's great that she feels that she can talk to you about such a delicate issue.
I think that it's just as easy for "fat" people to judge the bodies of "skinny" people as it is for "skinny" people to judge the bodies of "fat" people. I bet all of us have at one time or another looked at someone else and thought "Hmm... Someone needs to get that girl a big mac!" or "Maybe she should pass on that and opt for a salad" (whether we say it or not is completely different, I'm talking about our internal monologues). The fact is that most of the time we don't know the types of struggles that so-and-so is facing, and we can't know going on appearance alone.
There's nothing wrong with your skinny friend wanting to lose a few more pounds. To her it's obviously worth it, and even though her weight is technically healthy she doesn't feel her best. I think sometimes that's hard to relate to when we have 50+ pounds we'd like to lose, vs 5, but it doesn't mean that one struggle is more valid than the other.
I am so guilty of minimizing the weight/body image concerns of those I feel are thinner than me, which amounts to nearly everyone. I've had to slap myself for looking at tickers here and going "she only has to lose 5/20/50/100 pounds". Just because I started with 250 to lose doesn't make it any easier for anyone else. I've also snapped at thin friends who've lamented their size or the shape of their body, when really I have zero right to. I think it came from defensiveness, I assumed that they were patronizing me. I'm learning though that their fears are very real.
My best friend and I talk pretty openly about weight. She's thin. But she misses the muscles she had from her mechanic days, and she doesn't like her boobs. She gains and fluctuates, but it hits her butt and her boobs. Makes me jealous, makes her miserable. She says she envies my hourglass figure. I don't see an hour glass. All I see is a belly. She was with me yesterday clothes shopping, and she gave me heck because I had a meltdown about the shape of my arms. "What the **** is your problem lady? You've lost 4 SIZES and you're upset about your arms?" My sister in law is a VISION in her wedding dress. She spent the entire fitting with her hands clasped over her belly to hide it because it was huge to her. Like Elvis, I have a friend with serious health issues that have kept her thin. Eating is torture for her. I love her figure, but I wouldn't ever pay the price that she's paid for it. I'm aware and very grateful that even at my current weight, I'm healthier than all three of these women - the other two struggle with alcohol addiction and disordered eating respectively. The one thing that being fat and getting thin gives you is a warning. You hit the brink and you do anything to never get back. My friends don't have the impetus to change that I do - but that doesn't mean that they don't want to or have other driving factors.
We're all insecure at the end of the day, and we all want to be better than we are.
As for guessing people's weights? I don't think anyone has much of a concept, and body frames change the game. My friends figured me for the high two hundreds at over four hundred. I look at every "normal size" woman, and figure they're 120 pounds. My super skinny friend is 145.
I completely agree about how we all feel in regards to being skinny vs. if we are at our best.
In a quest to lose "scale" weight after 13lb gain last summer, I completely neglected the importance of a "look" and "feel" that I was after again. I wish I had decent comparable pics at my current weight of 112lbs compared to last year at 112 lbs. I felt much stronger and leaner last year than I do now. I swear all 13lbs was fat gain and muscle loss. It makes a huge difference on how a person feels in their clothes, a bathing suit, their confidence and even at the gym.
I do not know this person but I tried to find a good example on the Internet. Same weight...totally different body!
It's a reminder on how I need to keep trying NOT to focus on the scale alone!
Check this pic out:
I catch crap all the time for continuing to pursue a "better body" because (in one friend's words) "You look fine". Well, I don't want to look fine, I want to look my best! I haven't come all this way to be acceptable, I want to be spectacular.
talking about body image with a skinny friend...
