Curious on how others deal with 'Debbie Downers' while trying to lose weight, gain confidence and overall try to shift their outlook on life toward a more sunnier perspective?

I know we all can't be bright rays of sunshine 24/7 but have you ever known someone who seemed like they were in a constant state of negativity?

I'll elaborate personally...

I've had a college friend for about 5 years. At the start of our friendship, we actually didn't like each other at all. I'd say we almost hated each other lol, but with time we surprisingly grew very close and found out we had a lot in common. During college, I considered her to be one of my best friends. I always knew that sarcasm and her anti-social nature was a part of who she was and I really didn't mind it too much because she is a genuinely nice person. Anyway, I graduated 3 years ago with my BS in Entomology and after working a menial internship (killing fire ants...woo hoo), applied and acquired a full time job working for my local county extension agency. Of course when this happened I moved away from the University and away from my friend. It was tough but we did our best to make arrangements to see each other.

With time (talking via Gchat, and the occasional visit) it dawned on me how negative she was. Asking "How are you?" is always met with "Bleh or Ugh". When I inquired about why she would elaborate that she didn't feel well (she has Hyperthyroidism). I was very sympathetic towards her, I know she's always been sickly, but when I suggested things to help her feel better (ie. 'Go get a bite to eat if you haven't eaten since yesterday'/'Do you think you should take a sleeping aid if you haven't had a full nights rest?); I was met with resistance and snark. She'll always remind me that I couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be her, and that is true. I am not sickly. However I do understand that if you don't eat regularly, don't sleep regularly, or take your medication all the time it will not help you feel better. So while I cannot relate, I am trying to help which maybe is a faux pas on my part? Is it rude making suggestions like this? BUT of course the best part is that while I cannot make suggestions to her, she's happy to remind me to 'lose weight'.

So I started getting to my breaking point. For the past two years things have not changed. When I try maneuvering the conversation toward things that both made us happy she seems disinterested and pessimistic about our hobbies. She graduated a year ago with her Master's. I thought maybe things would turn around now that she was free from the stress of school. Instead it's been worse. She hasn't been able to find a job. I know that her degree (computer animation) is a highly competitive field, but I fear that it's caused another rift between us. We had always talked about taking a trip somewhere, but once I began full time at my job my schedule has become jam packed! It's difficult for me to take off, and my job requires a lot of weekends. It's my first real job out of college, I want to do well... but last time the subject was brought up the conversation ended up pointing fingers at me that I didn't make the time for her and we'll "never get to do it." When I try to encourage her that we can still do it she says it's easier to "assume it won't happen so she's not disappointed." I took it very hard. At first it made me feel guilty but after steaming over it for a few days ... it actually pissed me off! I've worked my a** off for that job! Running around the hot woody brush of Texas kicking around fire ants was not a desirable start to my after college career, but I stuck with it and it paid off in a real job. Why am I to fault because I am trying to do well and climb the career ladder? It made me angry and bitter... I thought "She's just angry because she can't find a job, and she won't even get off her lazy bum and find something to do while she waits for Pixar to call her!" ...venting to myself made me feel better, it certainly didn't make me feel better about the friendship.

Frankly I am at my wits end. I joined Weight Watchers so that I could get in shape and do something positive for me. I want to be more confident about myself and move up in my career, get a freaking date, and turn my life around. However this friendship has become draining, it's emotionally distressful and sometimes ends up killing my positive mojo.

SO TLDR; HELP! I have someone in my life who I care about as a friend but I feel like we are stuck in an eternal pity party. Do people have ways of dealing with Debbie Downers, or is it time to end the friendship

Apply the slow die-off - you can't emotionally support someone like this without it affecting your own happiness, as you have observed. What positive aspects does she bring to the friendship?

I sit next to a guy at work who is like this. You can't change people. All you can do is either accept how they are and stay friends with them, or let them fade away. Whatever you do, it will be your fault in their mind.

Just don't let their negativity burn onto you and drag you down. If that's what's happening, then it's time to distance yourself I think.

@krampus: Thank you for your input. Truthfully we became close because of all the things we have in common. We are both artistic, and share a hobby that few people have. This sounds a bit childish but we play the same video games, same shows, same movies... it was really nice having someone in my life that got me and shared these things with. She is a good person, intelligent and fun to be around IF she's in a good mood. If she's not she's snappy, irritable, and sometimes just plain rude and condescending. When she's like that I can't get away fast enough.

@Vex: Thank you, it is difficult to realize nothing will change. I think a little distance might help us both, but I hate to throw away a friendship... I wish there was some way I could mute all the negativity.

Normally I'd say stay away from negative people because they bring you down, but when it's a good friend you do have some options. One of the hardest things to do in a friendship is tell the truth. I too have a friend like this, started off as roomates in college and hated each other, but developed a friendship after I moved out. Fast forward 20yrs later and we're still best friends... but I'm not gonna lie, she's not always a breath of fresh air. She is a very negative person in many ways. For example when we go shopping together I tend to look through the racks and when I find something cute I hold it up and say "cute!" She instead looks through the rack and calls out everything she doesn't like which is most stuff "that's ugly." So she's a glass-half-empty kind of person. She uses the word "hate" a lot like "I hate cheese on my burger" or "I hate strappy sandals" etc. It's not in me to hate inanimate objects, or to use the word hate.

Depending on what's going on in my life it can be very difficult to deal with her. However, I did tell her how I feel. I said "Sometimes it's really hard to be around you because you are so negative about everything." It prompted a conversation and although she is not miraculously healed of her perpetual negativity it did make her think. I also take leave of her when I can't deal with the negativity, like if I'm stressed out I don't want to hang out with her because she'll make me more stressed. And sometimes I just have to look at her and say "you're being negative again" and she curbs it. Undoubtedly though she is my best friend and I love her no matter what. Her friendship is very important to me that's why I feel it's necessary to be honest with her about how negative she is, I want what's best for her and I don't like to see her wallow in self pity and anything I can do to bring her out of it I will do. We're at a point now that I can say to her "I don't want to be around your negativity right now."

You could call her out, negative people need to be called out. You could tell her "Listen, we both want to take a vacation together and I would like to believe and hope that it will happen someday. Maybe not today but you KNOW how important this job is to me. I'd like to think that you understand how hard I worked to get to this point and I would appreciate it if you didn't make me feel bad about prioritizing." She probably has some low self esteem and doesn't believe that she has any impact in your life, but by letting her know that she's making you feel bad you give her the power to turn things around and be a positive force in your life.

I say cut her out of your life.Let her go slowly if you want, but let her go. I call them emotional vampires. She is sucking the joy out of you. My own sister is the same way. I used to talk to her all the time. ALL THE TIME.... like multiple times a day & one day I realized that inside, I was dreading talking to her. I feel so bad after talking to her. I can't carry her burdens, too. I have my own stuff going on, like everyone does.

To this day, although I love her & she will always be my sister, talking to her really brings me down.

I have coworkers and a best friend who is exactly what you're describing. In the beginning with two of my coworkers, I would have long chats with them, make lots of suggestions, and tried my best to help them. A day later, it's like I never said a word.

So, while I have to work around my coworkers, I simply do not ask them how they're feeling and what's going on in their lives if I can help it. I talk about work with them and I talk about the positive things going on. It's a total negativity atmosphere with them all the time, and I try to ignore that atmosphere and switch it up a bit. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. And there are definitely days where I do avoid them simply because I don't want to be brought down. I call it saving my sanity.

As for my best friend from college, I too went through that conversation of "I'm not planning trips with you because you'll just let me down when you can't make it" bit. Oh, I just about lost my mind over that. And this friend works a full time job too so you would think she would have understood the demands of trying to move up the ladder. I learned the hard way to not promise or plan anything with her. If it happens and it's a done deal, then I'll tell her. If not, no harm, no foul.

At the end of the day, it comes down to jealousy and envy. I mean, I know that's terrible to think that way, but it's true. They want what you have, without having to work for it. And when they don't get it for themselves, they do take a sort of perverse pleasure in bringing you down as much as possible. You just gotta take a step back and decide how much you're going to interact with this person. For me, distance from my friend (as we live in two different states) has really helped me to keep my cool a lot of times with her. I don't talk to her that much, and when I do, I don't let her bring me down.

It sounds to me like your friend is going through a rough patch: transitioning from being a student to a professional, trying to find employment, struggling to stay connected to you, etc. She may just need someone to vent to. My bff and I vent to each other about any and all negative things that are going on in our lives, and usually we’re just looking for some comfort or for someone to relate to rather than advice. Do you think that maybe you’re internalizing her problems? Her problems are HER problems, they don’t need to be yours too just because she tells you about them. Maybe she could use a little pick me up? You could try sending her a card or a care package, who knows, it might help brighten her day? As for the comment about assuming your trip won’t happen to avoid disappointment is very telling to me – I think she may just be fed up with things not working out for her.

Instead of getting angry at her, try doing something genuinely nice for her. See how it makes you feel and if it helps her at all. A little kindness can go a long way. I dunno, I’m just hesitant to throw away close friends, because good friends are hard to come by.

I think you should tell her! Maybe she won't/can't change, but maybe telling her is better than her being able to just write you off as an uncaring person for dropping her. Especially since most of your communication is through g-chat, I think it should be fairly easy. Like this:

"X, I'm really worried about you. It seems like you are really depressed lately and that is having an impact on your health and welfare. I know you have a lot of stuff going on and that things are hard for you right now. I wish I could fix everything for you, I really do. When we talk, I'm unsure what you want me to do. I feel like I want to offer you support and advice, but you don't want to hear it. If you just want to vent, I totally understand, but to be honest, it's kind of a bummer when that's all we seem to talk about. I want you to be healthy and happy and for you to feel like life is going in the right direction for you. I'm sorry if you've felt like I haven't been able to make enough time for you lately, but I wish you could love me enough to be happy for me about my new job. I hope next time we talk we can chat like we used to- about our favorite games, shows, etc., and about all the good things I know are going on in your life. I am happy to be someone you can blow off steam with, but I really need to limit that so it doesn't take up so much of our conversation."