Rant. How do you deal with people who...
 

make fun of larger folks in front of you?

I was with this guy that I'm kind of seeing and his two friends, both of which are girls~ (both are 'average' sized girls..however one is working on overcoming bulimia- this is kind of important to the story) This guy knows that I was much heavier at one point, the girls do not. Both know that the lovely, kind girl we're with is recovering from an eating disorder.

Anyway, we were walking by the beach (Puget sound, so not a warm beach) and there was a bigger woman (not trying to offend anyone here, she was big, though) and she was carrying her 3? year old son on her shoulders, walking with a guy. It was cute.

Guy friend says "Ha. Man the harpoons. Looks like a sea creature escaped from the Sound today"
And my jaw dropped. I was so incredibly upset especially because she was walking close enough to us to where she might've heard!

One of the girls we were with (the one not recovering from an eating disorder) looked at me and said "how does one even get to that size? really. you have to try to be that fat. so gross. she needs to work on that" (this girl is in college to be a doctor, by the way :I)

Anyway. I thought I was going to cry. I felt like they were saying that stuff to me.
The other girl's face just totally dropped, she lost allll the color in her face. She looked like she was about to faint.

I pointed out to my friend and the doctor-to-be that this woman was going for a walk carrying a 30?pound child. That's not easy. She could be taking all of the necessary steps to losing weight and just by hearing ONE crappy comment like theirs it could send her tumbling down to where she started. She could have an eating disorder, you never know.

I also explained to the doctor-to-be-girl that I've lost a bit of weight myself, and that it's not easy and it takes baby steps. I told her she should watch what she says because if someone hears her speaking like that it could really hurt their progress.

She replied with "Well look at you! You lost weight and you look fantastic. Anyone can do it, they just have to try"

....
Do people expect us NOT to go in public until we're at a weight that they're comfortable with!? What the iafhoiashoias.

Then the guy steps in with "I don't think you were as big as you think you were, there's no way you've lost as much weight as you're telling me you have" :I :I :I (I started around 270 pounds...)

tl;dr
Friends were being mean and terrible and making fun of someone's weight in front of me. When I tried to stand up to them they totally blew it off.

Now every time I think about talking to them I feel ridiculously self conscious, and I'm not sure that's the type of person I want to surround myself with anyway.



Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? If this happened what would you do? What are we supposed to say when someone does something like that?

Why am I taking this so personally? :c I feel gross and discouraged and terrible. :?:

I usually just say "That's very rude" and most people shut up. I'm actually struggling with my larger friends making fun of smaller people at the moment and I'm not sure how to deal with it. "O, I'd rather eat cake and thats something those skinny bit**'s can't say"... Things like that. I usually stick with my "That's rude" comment.

If they kept making comments, I'd probably just have to repeat "No seriously guys, stop being so freaking rude". ..

Super rude comments made by very immature people. Scares me a dr-to-be has that kind of mindset.

People who make rude comments about others in front of me, weight related or other, get my honest opinion: that they're rude and should look at themselves before being critical and acting like a ill-mannered 4 year old. I tend to not stay friends with people like that.

It scares me that a doctor to be has that mindset, too! :c

I have bigger friends who make fun of thin folks as well. That's tough for me to deal with, too....but at least in that situation I can sort of think that maybe it's coming from a place of jealousy at least some of the time.

I think this taught me a lot about this group of people. Especially the fact that the guy would say this in front of two women who he knows are struggling with their weight. Very rude and immature, I agree.

It really is hard. Sometimes people will be "talking" about someone else that I know and calling them fat this and fat that. Then I start to think, "well that person they are talking about is not far from my size. So what do they say about me behind my back?"

I've also been around other large women and they start making fun of someone who is slightly larger, same size, or even smaller than them! I just kind of look at them weird. Then they look at me and ask if they look like that. What in the world?!?!?!?!

But what happened to you has inspired me to speak up. It's not easy being large. For me I didnt even really realize that I was overweight until around high school. Most of the people in my family are large so I thought it was normal.

Sometimes when I hear people talk about "fat" people I wonder if I'm just hypersensitive because of my own weight issues. I swear being overweight has consumed about 99% of my thoughts. I hate when people describe others as fat or heavy set. It instantly makes me feel insecure and wonder just what they think of me. It's crazy!!!

I try -- the key word being try -- to turn the tables by asking them why they feel it's ok to be bigoted and to voice those prejudices. I try to use a non-threatening voice. If they get overly defensive or just blow me off, I usually end the conversation by telling them I'm very disappointed in their lack of compassion and empathy and that I thought they were better people than that.

Quite truthfully, I seldom remain friends with people who are bigoted -- whether it's fat centric, racial, religious, whatever. They're entitled to their opinions, but they are not entitled to express those opinions in a manner that is intentionally denigrating and cruel. Or at least they're not entitled to do it around me.

These are the people I move over into the acquaintance category.

Exactly :c My weight is always on my mind, no matter what I'm doing...and I know I'm hypersensitive anyway but I can't help but think (especially with the guy that I was sort of seeing!) that if he saw me just walking down the street he might say something about me, too.

<3 I'm glad you're feeling inspired to speak up next time. It sucks that people say those things...sometimes I wonder if it comes from them just not understanding what it's like to be where we are. People who have never had weight issues have no idea what it's like so maybe they don't realize it's a super sensitive issue.

Betsy2013~ That's a really good way of putting it.
I tend to distance myself from people like that as well, and after this incident I really have. It's shocking how cruel people can be :c

It's also insane to think that someone would look at someone and their first thought would be negative. I looked at that couple with their kid and thought "Good for her for getting out there"

Someone made a comment to me about someone else the other day and I actually don't think he meant to say it out loud, esp. in front of me who has only recently lost my weight and I am still of size. I just stared at him and said "I can't believe you just said that.". He replied with "That was a bit mean, wasn't it?". It was totally uncomfortable and the conversation quickly changed subjects.

I later asked my husband, "What do you think he says about me?". People who make insensitive, mean, hateful comments don't just say them about strangers, at least that's my feeling.

I think people forget that we all have feelings no matter our size and the smallest random act of kindness or meanness can change our whole day, our whole plan to get healthy, everything.

Honestly, I just feel sad for them & their ignorance. I think I would prefer to embarass them back by saying "do you feel better about yourself to put someone else down"?

It does seem like fat prejudice is the only socially acceptable prejudice left. Its sad.

That said, many people who are overweight are overweight partially due to emotional issues - others medical issues - in a lot of ways, weight is an outward sign of "sickness" of some sort. I think that freaks people out.

That's exactly how I feel, too!

It is very sad. I'm always torn between just telling them they're being cruel and trying to help them understand why what they're doing is terrible.

That's true, many people make fun of the things that freak them out.


Sometimes I also wonder if it's because people who don't have to lose weight have never had a reason to sit and think about the process of losing weight. They think "Oh, that person can control it so it's okay for me to make fun of them, because if they wanted to lose it bad enough they would" Which is obviously wrong, but if they're thinking that way maybe all they need is a bit of education.

Doctors are some of the most fat biased people out there. Partly because most of them see weight gain as a purely physical thing, a mathematical equation. They know the mechanics behind weight gain, they don't generally concern themselves with the mental/emotional part of the equation. Sad, but true.

People also have no concept of weight at all. They look at the "really big ones" and assume their pushing 500 pounds, when in reality it's probably 300. Anyone that is slim and fit (especially women) no matter their size, is usually pegged at 120, because society has set that as everyone's goal weight. So in regards to the comments about there being "no way" you could have lost that much, they probably really do not get it.

As for the harpoon joke? I used to get that one a lot. And if that woman had heard, it would have done a great deal of damage. As it would to her husband and at a certain age, her child. I grew up with a father over 700 pounds at one point. I can remember the things we heard from passers by, and it's a very open wound even today. for myself, it's even worse.

I have some guy friends that like to kid each other about getting drunk and taking home fat chicks. Not a single one of them has ever said anything like that about me when I'm in eashot, but I have no doubt their have been snickers. That sort of generalization, I just let slide. Because really, I'm not going to change their attitude. But if a woman walks by (or a man) and a comment is made, they get told that if they want to mock a fat person they can do it to MY FACE. That generally guilts them into shutting up.

I've gotten that joke, too. It's very hurtful. Maybe that's partially why I took it so personally. I hope she didn't hear. And if she did, I hope she also heard me explain to them why that's completely out of line.

I said that exactly once. That if they wanted to make fun of a fat person they could look me in the eyes and do it. They replied with "Well I don't see how it bothers you you're not fat"
._. So I've given up there.
Maybe our friends make jokes in front of us because they just really love us enough to not see us as 'fat chicks' so they don't think it might be offensive. Obviously, that doesn't make it okay...but not everyone thinks about things before they speak.

I hate this. I agree with whomever said it's still socially acceptable to insult overweight people, which is really sad.

I see it happen quite freqently. I think my normal response is, "That's mean, don't say that." But, you know, people know it's mean. They aren't children. I really respect those of you who take a harder line with this kind of behavior.