Dating After Weight Loss
 

Hey ya'll.

So for those who have lost/maintained/are losing I am wondering how it's impacted your dating life or getting attention from the opposite sex. (Or same sex if that floats your boat)

I am an intelligent, classy, kind, educated woman with alot of goals and I NEVER date. Despite being told I have a "gorgeous face" (I'm sure some of you ladies can feel the pain of that "compliment") and the fact I'm outgoing, friendly and smile alot, males don't seem to bite the bait I'm throwin if ya catch my drift.

I can only attribute this to one minor fact. I'm fat. 70 lbs. overweight to be exact. I won't pretend the world is evolved enough to are more about what's on the inside more than the outside, and even though I kinda like a chubby guy myself, for many people fat is just a turn off. I can't help but think after I lose weight it will impact my dating life.

So getting to the point... for those of you who have lost, how did your dating life change after the loss? Did you get approached more? Did it change the way you relate to the opposite sex? Them to you? Did people overall start treating you better? And anything else you wanna add.

:val2:

I think you're right. People want to connect with someone who is confident and strong. Men are particularly wired to mate with someone young and fertile and being overweight is sometimes a hurdle to fertility. I've always been overweight, but I didn't creep into obesity until after marriage. I see my single friends who are in their mid-late 30's who are desperately wanting to meet someone and get married and have kids and inside I'm thinking "it's more important now than EVER to lose weight if you want to get married and have kids."

Also, you mention that you like a chubby guy. I never did, not because I'm not attracted to them - I find beauty in everyone and always did. But because I knew that having weight issues of my own it wouldn't be a good idea to pair up with someone with weight issues too. I wasn't looking for someone to grow fat with, I was looking for someone I could grow old with. My husband has healthy eating habits and I'm grateful for that. On the other hand he doesn't like physical activities like biking, hiking, gym, working out, being outside etc and I just know that if he was more willing to be active with me I'd be in much better shape. Instead we sit on the couch together after dinner where I'd much rather we go out for a walk or spend our weekends out of the city.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I'm just trying to say that I think losing weight will undoubtedly benefit your health and your love life more than you can imagine.

Honestly, I dated a decent amount when I weighed in the upper 200s and even at my highest weight (well over 300), I dated a few guys. I had started dating my husband when I was in the upper 200s but he had known me at my highest weight as well. I think it was more confidence and willing to put myself out there.

I also never cared for chubby guys, tall thin guys were my major attraction which is what my husband happens to be. Not that I couldn't imagine myself dating someone who was chubby because personality is really what attracts me. My husband also happens to be blonde/blue eyed which was opposite of the dark hair/dark eyed guys I had been attracted to prior to meeting him.

Well seeing as I got dumped yesterday, maybe I shouldn't be posting, but that being said...

I'd been overweight up and down a lot of my life. Around a 150/160lbs. In hs I had bfs but in college i def was considered overweight my first 2 years at that weight, and I was having a bit of trouble dating.

At my worst in desperation for someone, i wound up dating a guy who was an absolute loser. Drug addict, abusive, not educated. But I was 198 lbs and not a pretty or well dressed 198 lbs either. After 2.5 years I started Jenny Craig and as I lost the weight I also gained the courage to get rid of him, in the last semester of university. After I'd lost most of my friends due to him. I had one guy friend who I'd always connected with. When I dropped down to 140 he seemed to me, but by then school was 2 weeks from finishing so it never happened. He wound up marrying the next girl he dated.

At 140, so still overweight but kind of mid sized, I do get approached fairly often. But I won't lie, men are pigs so I've had a hard time finding good ones. You'd be amazed how many married men hit on me !

People do treat me better at lower weights, and I now completely associate my happiness with the number on the scale.
I dated quite a bit when I was in my 140s, so still overweight but I do ok. The ing is, all three guys I dated in that time, married the next girl!
A while later
I found a bf, decent guy.
I of course gained slowly over 3 years and got back up to 186/8.
He stopped having sex with me, and eventually told me the weight gain was too much for him. He wasn't slim himself by any means, but I got dumped for being fat. Skip forward a 2 years at that weight....

Dating....not happening. No one into me.

Dropped back down to 140. This guy I'd been crushing on forever is suddenly wanting to hook up with me! Eff u buddy cuz I'm the same person from 45 lbs ago! Across the board I found that. People so willing to say how attractive I am...now! It does make me angry and bitter.

I met my bf when I was 140. I now make sure when I meet a guy I am very specific and inform them that there's a good chance I could be fat. I make sure all my fat photos are still on Facebook so the knowledge is out there. I don't know when I'll slip off the bandwagon, and I just don't want to go through my last scenario again. Of course he dumped me yesterday with no explanation at all, so of course I'm assuming its because I gained 10lbs in a year, but over the last three months I'd managed to get back to my original size. So I don't. Know whats happened.

Anyway to sum up what you'd asked, yes, I get approached more at lower weights. I get more quality guys at lower weights (but more dbags as well). I'm far more confident at lower weights, but I'm also conscious I'm a ft girl in disguise. Everyone treats me better at lower weights. It sucks, but it's true.

Wannabeskinny - Yes you pretty much are affirming everything I have thought :) I was one of those people who was always curvy but in an hourglass figure type way. I never had a problem attracting men and was always approached/catcalled/asked out. When I had my son the weight redistributed as I gained and I just look sloppy now, I understand the allure of a smaller figure. Because my mom and sister know what I looked like before they are always encouraging me to lose because they know I desire to get married and have kids. I imagine it will impact my love life alot as you've said.

nelie- Feel free to send the tall skinny ones who like a bigger girl my way, lol.

Bex1984 - I read your other thread about your breakup, I'm so sorry. It's been almost a month since my breakup and it really does get better. I know it's so cliche to say, but it does. My concern for you is that you seem to be associating your weight gain with the reason why these guys would dump you, and I feel like you're taking accountability for their jerkish actions. This is not your fault. If he really broke up with you over 10lbs then what is he going to do one day when the mother of his child gains 40lbs and has a hard time losing it? Is his love conditional on whether the woman he's dating has lovehandles? If so then he's got a lot growing up to do and you're better off. The way he ended it was so cruel, and he doesn't deserve a treasure like you, whether at 140, 160 or 180lbs. :hug:

I'm glad you didn't read my post as offensive, I thought you would get a lot of responses like "if a guy is worth it he'll love you for being you," which of course is true but it's not the whole story. At the end of a good love story there are things that bind you to one another that include trust, honesty, mutual love etc. But the beginning of a relationship is hard, there's a lot of expectations and we judge each other based on how we look. Not just in a shallow way but in a biological way, we're wired to do so.

I can attest to the fact that I've never been skinny and even at my curviest I was always attracting men. But throughout those times I remember feeling good and thinking that I looked good. So confidence has a lot to do with it. I've gained some weight since I've become a mother, but an understandable amount, not a drastic amount. It's just that now I feel different - not so confident and definitely not well put together considering I'm running around after a toddler who's skipping his naps at the moment! I'm married and not looking to date anyone of course, but I can easily tell you that I haven't been hit on since I gave birth. It does bring me down a bit because I'd like to be attractive.

This!

I met my husband when I was pushing 300. He's 6' and lean (and hot - buzz cut, baby blues, hung...mmm...9 years later and he still gets me all worked up...)

Anyhow - I have NEVER had any issues dating or even having one night stands even at my heaviest (oh single life - you were bad for me. :lol: ) Men like confidence. Period. End of story. If you think you're hot, they'll think you're hot too.

I'm super outgoing and confident and have no issues putting myself out there either.

Ha! There are definitely guys out there. The only thing, at my size, I worried about was the chubby chasers. I did go out with one guy who I was 99.99% sure was a chubby chaser. He said he liked big girls, all his previous girlfriends were big girls. He was a tall, buff guy (not skinny but not fat). I had to let him go though.

The attention is ridiculous. I've been going clubbing almost every weekend with my best friend since last May. The attention back then wasn't very much. But now. Wow! lol! I have a boyfriend too so I can't do nothin but tell them I'm taken. My boyfriend is sexy as just. He's just sexier than sexy. I don't know how I got him. Thank goodness.

I have noticed that I get a fair amount more male attention now that I'm not so heavy - I'm in a similar boat to you though, I hardly ever date. I think most of this is my own fault though, since I'm terrified of getting close to guys because eventually I'm going to have to let them see me naked. I feel like they're going to see my millions of deep stretch marks and wobbly, saggy belly and run a mile.

I think this is why when I go on that rare occasional date (this is going to sound so shallow, but it's honest) I go for people who I think are worse looking than me. I don't think I'm good looking, at all, it's just I think the less attractive guys are more likely to forgive my major flaws. I still never end up going on a second date or anything, because I quickly realise that it's unfair to lead someone on when you aren't attracted to them. And then I do it all over again *sigh*.

Wannabeskinny- nope not offended at all! I think sometimes I jut don't see myself as being as big as I really am, ya know? Like something's wrong with all the mirrors in my house. It's usually only if I go someplace else with full length mirrors and I'm like "who's that fat chick in the mirror" I think also because I used to be slim in my minds eye I always see myself that way even knowing I'm not. It's a weird thing. So at times I wonder why I don't get asked out more, but really I think my weight has alot to do with it.

Somuchfatitude- did you say "hung"?? Lmao! I'm so happy you have a man that loves you unconditionally girl! Maybe I need to take confidence lessons from you;) I know I definitely don't love myself and I'm sure that projects.

Nelie- yeah a guy who only goes for big girls would freak me out too. I would see myself having to tell him "no you cannot feed me twinkies in a nightie, thank you" plus *i* don't want to be heavy so I want a man that will accept me for who I am now but encourage me in all my goals along the way.

Ladyp- well of course you do you're a hottie! Ah this is so encouraging to hear. I'm quite sure I'm gonna go through a stage when I get to goal where everything I wear will either be tight, low cut, or a skirt lol.

Aseret- I'm the same way about my insecurities about my loose skin. But I some guy gets lucky enough to get me naked and he's noticing stretch marks he's just a turd. I'd hope that he'd admire all the strength and determination it took to get there. But I feel like us women are more forgiving of that stuff than guys. I hope I'm proved wrong.

Omg I'm like that too! I see myself way skinnier than I probably am and then I catch myself in pictures with actually skinny people and my heart sinks! My idea of torture is putting a mirror in front of me while I eat. Sometimes I see other people who are overweight and I think "geez do I like that?" It's a strange sensation. There's something wrong with all the mirrors.

Even at my lower weights, I've never been exactly a magnet for dates- I don't think it's a lack of confidence thing, I actually think it's nearly the opposite of that. I am constantly told that I seem older than I am (in my mid-20s I consider this a compliment) because I seem to have my life together and am very independent. I think this, combined with the fact that I'm pretty tall can come across as intimidating. I've been single for the past 2 years, but I'm pretty ok with it most of the time. I'm moving to a new city in 5 months (one of my big incentives for losing some weight), so with my luck I'll find someone amazing just in time to pick up and leave.

I never had trouble finding dates/boyfriends/engagements at any weight. I have always received far more 'typical' attention when at a lower, acceptable weight: basically the weight I am now. After my breakup last year, I began dating again after nearly a decade out of the scene. It wasn't long before I found a guy, but all of that heavier me is still in my head - and I had to make sure he knew I have ballooned a few times in my life.

Even though he cares about me and we get on great, I am under no delusion he would have been interested in me when I was 280. He saw photos of me because he didn't believe it and watching the way his eyes shifted quickly to the side after the first photo...I knew. And that's okay.

Things that changed - well, my insecurities are a bit prominent. I worry not so much about a small weight gain, but my stretch marks and loose skin are visible when gravity is in effect - like if I bend over. I sometimes get nervous as all get out during sex even though he has obviously never taken issue - he glows and can't keep his hands off me. Says I'm perfect. I'm not but you know.. it's nice to hear it.

As far as how I treat men, I've carried the insecurities from being obese into social situations - it's more a lack of confidence and residual wanting to blend in with the wallpaper than anything else. Once I'm at ease with the men in a social group, I forget all of that and interact without care.

As far as attention goes, because of the blasted hourglass figure, I get more attention than I have ever desired. My guy thinks it's pretty funny but it unnerves me. I sometimes avoid the tailored clothing I relished in once I lost the weight and will err on the side of baggy caution to ward off approaches at times.

I suppose for me I don't want attention unless I am looking for it. I don't understand the draw when I'm out and even though my guy says it's normal for men to stare at and approach 'acceptably attractive" women, I have that overall sense of "Why are they bothering me when I am not signaling interest" running around in my head.

Oh this has always been something I'm concerned with. You know, what really does make the difference?

I've always gotten a decent amount of male attention. But I do notice that I get a lot more when I'm at my lower weights. However, I don't know if I can put that to my smaller frame or my confidence. Really, I don't do much of anything when I'm as big as I am now. I don't really leave the house at all if I don't have to. And then I avoid man as best as I can while I'm out. Though they'll still find me.

But I know that if I did go out there and open myself up to opportunities, I would get bites. And so would you. It's really true what everyone is saying: Men like confidence. And it's not just men! PEOPLE like confidence. Don't you?

I'm completely oblivious to any sort of actual interest. I work primarily with men. They all flirt. They all tease. It's human nature. Perception just changes at lower weights. Teasing and flirting then means something in my head instead of being just banter...and it's disconcerting.

Dating has always been very foreign to me. I'm 34, and have never been out more than a few times where it wasn't a Platonic friendship. I've always been known as the friend, never the girlfriend, so I assumed that role, and when guys have shown interest, my first thought is why, and my 2nd is to run. At one point I lost over 90 pounds, I then started to get paid more attention to, and it scared me. I can't say this is the only reason I gained back 40 pounds, but it is one of the reasons. And I'm ashamed to admit that, cause the guys who paid attention to me did nothing wrong, but because I have terrible anxiety, and trouble saying no, or letting others down, I started eating.....and eating a lot.

Again, terribly ashamed. I know beauty comes in all sizes, yet I have a hard time believing it for myself. I'd love to meet someone, and share my life, but anxiety, and some other stuff revolving around that nit only stops me, but makes me run in the other direction.

/End rant. Sorry I kind of took your thread off topic too.

^^ sara i'm 10 years younger than you and have exact same problem, i consider myself only as a friend,after losing weight i got more attention and i gained half of it back but i still get the attention-which i usually ignore :/ and the anxiety is killing me sometimes...but i have become more self -confident i just can't imagine being sexually or very emotionally attached to anyone right now but to my family and close friends

Even at my skinniest, I really didn't get any offers. I was insecure, shy and quiet. I didn't invite guys to talk to me. So that's my personality.

I've been with my boyfriend for four years now. So I can't talk about the dating end... BUT I have noticed that when I went from 120 lbs to 180 lbs the attention and admiring glances grew less. And as I've slowly shrunk, the attention has returned. (Makes me feel really weird as I now have a baby and can't see myself as a catch, lol). But I'm lucky that I have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. So yes, attraction is important, but so is personality. Guys had trouble talking to me. I'm awkward like Kristin Stewart. :(

I hope all you ladies (and men) find worthy partners. We all deserve that, no matter our weight. :)

Going from 140lbs and super athletic in high school, to a 272lb not-as-active person really effected my dating life. In high school, I had many guys interested in me, and I dated. But in college, all guys wanted was to hook up with me. I was not the "girlfriend" type apparently. I think it has something to do with my self-esteem. Because in high school I was very outgoing and confident with my body, and throughout college I have gradually become more introverted and self-conscious due to my weight gain and depression. So I guess guys thought they could "take advantage" of me easier. I have dated a little though.
But now that I am losing weight, I am SO much happier and more confident, like my old self. That's one of my motivations for losing weight is, I dont consider my true self to be a "fat person" and that is not how I picture my future. :)

I find that people definitely treat "bigger" people differently. Because my weight gain was so rapid, it came to a shock at how rude some people can be about fat. Rude stares, whispering behind your back, smug comments..its subtle, but definitely noticeable. I am tired of all that.

I am glad that some of you found your husbands while you were big, but I must agree that most people (Americans) are not attracted to fat people.
Just more motivation to lose weight!

I worked at Macy's in the bridal Department and I can tell you that the way people choose their partners in life makes no sense whatsoever.

I have seen overweight people with thin people, mean people with nice people, ugly people with pretty people, etc.

I really think it is just luck!

Everytime I've lost weight, people would flirt with me more. That's fine and dandy. What's annoying is that people I already knew that wouldn't date me before, suddenly saw me as an option. Let me tell you, that's disheartening.

Keep looking for a man that loves you right now. He will still love you no matter what size you are. That's the best way. Maybe you could try to put yourself out there more? You sound like a catch.

Excited to be here!
 

Hi everyone!
I’m new to the forum and just wanted to say hello. I’ve been reading through some of the threads and really appreciate how supportive and motivating this community is.

I'm working on getting healthier and staying consistent with home-cooked meals and daily walks. Looking forward to learning from you all and sharing progress along the way. 😊

I’ve lived both versions of myself too — the smaller, more “socially acceptable” version, and the bigger, more withdrawn one. And what you said about confidence really hit home, because damn, it changes everything, doesn’t it? Not just how others respond to us, but how we show up for ourselves.

After my own weight loss journey, dating felt really different — not just because of how others saw me, but because of how I started seeing myself with more confidence. It took me some time to realize that being open and authentic matters more than the number on the scale. Online platforms can be a great way to ease back into dating, too. For anyone curious about senior-focused options, I’ve seen people ask about how to contact silver singles if they need support or account help.