I need friends
 

So, maybe I'm whiny, but I feel lonely today. I have no friends. Literally. I have acquaintances, but none to go spend time with. I recently broke off a friendship with someone that was my only friend. We were "friends" for a long time, but it wasn't a healthy relationship. I was always there when she needed someone, but I was only good enough for her when her other friends were making her mad. She would criticize me for EVERYTHING. My mothering skills, what I was wearing, what I ate, how I felt, how clean my house is (I have 4 kids 2-12. She has 1 10 year old and has piles of dishes and laundry everywhere all the time. My house is "lived in" but not filthy), how much I weigh (she weighs almost 200lbs more than me), how big my stomach is, how small my boobs are compared to hers, the list goes on. She was just always so mean and crushing my already low self esteem. 10 years I was her friend and I hung on because she's all I had. But I started believing her about how pathetic I am and I have no idea how to make new ones. I try. I guess I'm just a bit odd. I never fit in. My last job everyone avoided me cause I didn't have any fun drunk stories. Sorry I'd rather be with my kids than out drinking and driving. I do drink once in a while, maybe once a year, but not much interest. But I decided enough was enough. I don't want to feel worthless and pathetic, so I dropped the friendship and the job had to go because we had to move. Funny thing is, I still feel that way some days. I don't regret cutting the ties with the friend. Not a bit. But I just want someone to talk to. Sure I have my husband, but some things he doesn't understand. I have social anxiety. I hate being in large crowds of people don't know. Sometimes people I do know. I just want to hide. I know I need to overcome that, but I don't know how.

Anyway. I guess maybe I should start a blog or journal to get things out instead of whining to a bunch of people on a forum.

Are you currently working? I'm not much of a go out after work kind of person, but maybe you can invite someone to go to lunch with you, or out for a walk at lunch.

If you're not working, maybe volunteering for your kids' activities would be a good way to meet other parents.

Just a few suggestions to maybe get you started in finding new healthy friendships with people. Best of luck!

YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME! I am a very shy person, I never fit in with groups of people.. Im very awkward with conversations. I have children, and I go to college full time. Message me and maybe we can work on our diets together.

Look, I know it really sucks when it feels like you have no friends or close friends. That being said, it is better that you got out of a friendship that was toxic for you. That is a big step and especially with a friendship that lasted so long, can be super difficult. So good job.

I don't drink at all. Believe me, even if it doesn't seem like it, there are other things you can find in common with others. What do you like to do? Talk about your interests!

Also, meeting new people and friends can be tough. Find a local group that focuses on an interest of yours (book club, running group, sewing bee, yoga class, etc), you will meet people there and you will already know that you share an interest! If you have social anxiety, sometimes exercise classes are perfect because you don't have to directly interact right off the bat but after a while the people will become familiar to you and might become friends!

Also, I liked PreciousMissy's suggestion, VOLUNTEER!!!! I love volunteering because usually people are super jolly when doing so and we are all doing something we want to be doing!

Good luck and I hope you feel better!

Try meetup.com to find local groups that may be of interest to you.

I'm currently a stay at home mom. I've tried to volunteer for kids' school stuff but they always "already have it covered". I did try parents as teachers as well, but it's a very small clicky town and the woman that runs it gave me the dirt on everyone else there and even told me who's husbands are lazy. Not something I'm willing to get myself involved in.
The church we went to before moving always had volunteer sign up sheets to pick up people who could not drive themselves and nursery duty. I always signed up but never was chosen. I have been looking into other volunteer opportunities though. That is a great idea! Thanks for your suggestions :)

I'm very shy too. I think maybe sometimes that comes across as stuck up. I just sometimes don't know what to say. But there are times I'll carry a conversation with a stranger waiting in line at the store. I think I have to be here for 20 days before I can message. But I will definitely message as soon as I can!

Oh my gosh, I have gotten the stuck up thing before! It is because I am really quiet when I first meet people, it takes me a little bit before I warm up and can open my mouth to chat (especially in large groups, smaller ones I am better in).

Advice, never underestimate the power of a friendly smile (not to be confused with a forced smile as those sometimes end up as jeers and only make matters worse). It helps strangers realize that you are friendly but, a bit shy and not judging them!

Also, I am sorry you live in a small cliquey town. That really can suck (I have been there) but, I think it was probably a good idea to keep out of the town's social political drama.

Maybe there are other stay at home mom's in town that you could get together with and hang out with while your kid's have playdates?

I'm a nice person and once I warm up I show my crazy sense of humor. I still laugh at the word "poop" and you never know what weird thing I might say. I'm a loyal friend (obvious enough in my op? Lol) and I'm always doing whatever I can to help however I can. I just need to get past the point of actually making friends. I told my husband I'm just going to go around knocking on doors asking people to be my friend. Doesn't sound weird at all does it?

The small cliquey town is bad being we are fairly new. Most people here grew up here.

So sorry you are feeling lonley. I too have that problem. I agree with the others about volunteering. Volunteering at your children's school would be great. If the office says they have it covered, approach your children's teachers. I did that and she put me to work cutting things out and doing a lot of prep work for my son's kindergarten class.(18 years ago! Time flies!)

We just moved to a very small town and I am having a hard time finding my place. I am thinking of joining a Zumba class offered through the community center. I will be the oldest, but so what!

A poem I heard in my teens years has aways stuck with me.

He drew a circle that shut me out,
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had wit to win,
We drew a circle that took him in.


It may take time. Be sure to enjoy the moments with your children and husband. You will find strength through them.

First, good for you for dumping that "friend!"

I completely understand how you feel. I don't know how to make friends anymore. The thought of making a friend brings back the horrors of dating. I have three young kids so I definitely don't have time for that!

So where are you in Kansas? You can pm me the answer if you'd like. I'm also from Kansas and I see in your profile that you crochet. I do too! Maybe we can get together and crochet or something!

I would be completely messed up if I was in the dating scene. I don't think I can message yet since I'm still fairly new but the biggest town I'm closest to is Salina. How awesome is that to find a Kansan, mom, and crochet geek all in one?!

I'm in Manhattan, so that's not too far! Oh and I also have a black thumb. So we have a lot in common. :carrot:

Nope, not too far. I'm on the Manhattan side of Salina. My mom always grows an awesome garden and pretty house plants. I just didn't inherit her gift. She does share though.

I was told I have to be here 20 days to message, I've been here 2 weeks I think, so as soon as I get the message thing going I will message you. I did add you to my buddy list since I'm horrible remembering names.

I read this thread and then literally smiled and said "yay" when I read this!! lol.

I just wanted to say, it takes a HUGE amount of courage and strength to cut a toxic person out of your life. That feeling of empty space is sometimes very painful when you cut that person out, because they literally filled up SO MUCH of your body and mind and soul with their toxic energy.

You are left with a wide open empty space and it feels very disconcerting for a while, but what it does is create space for something new and positive to fill it up.

When you are feeling that emptiness and loneliness, just breathe into that space and figure out some sort of mantra like "this space will be filled with positive healthy loving energy" or something to that effect. This way, you are acknowledging it, but also manifesting good things to come. I do this - it works wonders! :hug:

Funny you mention that empty space. I was thinking how strange it is to feel that after letting someone so mean go. I've definitely felt it today. Like I said, I don't regret ending the horrible friendship, but she did take up a big chunk of my life. I've found yoga my peace and positive energy. Since I let her go, I started my weight loss/getting healthy/loving myself and I'm completely blown away with how well I'm doing. I've never made it this far.

Thanks so much for your encouragement! Very wise you are.

I totally get this. I've been quite lonely lately. In a previous thread I started, I discussed how a friendship of mine had ended (much like yours has) and since then I've been pretty isolated socially and have been pretty lonely. I am the sole employee in a family owned business (husband/wife) so I see them sometimes but not much, and my DH, and my dog. That's pretty much it. I am a member of Meetup but the activities I like to do aren't being pushed much right now since it's still winter where I live. Hopefully my social life will improve this summer, and I'd like to make a few friends this year.

"A bunch of people on a forum"? I've never heard of the really great people here described that way. :D :D

Haha yeah, there are lots of great people here. I am glad to have found this site. But even so, I don't have anyone to connect with in real life. That's what I meant ;)

Since I have moved to a new state 2 years ago, I have made only superficial friendships. So I feel your pain! Reading this thread has given me ideas so thank you for venting on this forum!

Glad I helped :)
Who says whining can't be good?

Wow I wish we lived closer! So many things in common: stay at home mom for 15 yrs, not needed at the school, talk to strangers fine, don't know what to say in groups...I did go back to work 6 years ago when my son got to Middle School. Got a job in a library and FINALLY have friends. Maybe it was the quiet place, getting to know people a little at a time that made it easier...also, when I lost a dear friend to a move to Alaska, I prayed for God to fill the void. He was awesome and filled me right up!��

Like Eagle; I recently lost my closest friend for being too toxic. I have a few aquaintences but no real close friends. My two oldest friends are always "very busy" now that they have kids and other responsibilites which I completely understand but no time to pick up the phone once a month and say hi? They'd rather talk to people on the internet. :shrug: I have a hard time making new friends probably because I'm somewhat socially awkward, and don't really drink (anymore) while everyone around me is getting blasted when we go out. My BF plays in a band and he doesn't drink either. All the other girls that come to these shows with their husbands are very nice but usually live too far, or we don't have anything in common. They also tend to be very cliquey which I'm not into.

I just work, go to the gym and take care of my 10 year old son. It gets lonely at times for me too. My BF is great but there's a definite void. I'm sure he's tired of hearing about my TOM issues too, that's what a close girl friend is for. :lol:

I hope I can find new friends this summer too. I really miss conversation outside of the internet or trying to seek out old friends that just don't seem to re-connect. I live in Illinois if anyone here is in the same boat.

We have moved a lot in the last 15 years and one thing I've learned is that no one is going to beat down my door to be my friend (which is dumb because I'm awesome). Most people who've lived in the same place for a while already have a go-to friend or circle of friends. You have to get in there and do the leg work. Frequent the same coffee place, make yourself a regular at a local craft store or running shop. Keeping saying hello to people and asking about their kids. Make friends with your kids' friends' parents. Join Junior League or the Civic Club (every cliquey small town has a women's service group). Sign up for everything at school, go to every party and PTA meeting. Join WW and Curves and a book club at the library. You just have to keep pecking away till someone clicks. If there is a park, take your kids. Often. And you can't let one gossip turn you off. There is always going to be one gossip, one mean girl, someone who is standoffish, whatever. You can't let ONE person rule out a whole group of potential friends for you.

I live in southwest Illinois.....

There was actually not just one in that group. One had added me on Facebook because we met through a local sale site on there. On the anniversary of the death of my son (who was lost due to premature birth) I posted a picture of baby footprints with an "in memory" poem. This other lady told me to "get over it. It's not like losing a real baby". She is also involved in the group and that was another reason. I do realizethat there will always be a mean person, I learned that a long time ago. But that was 2 for 2 in a very small group and I already had bad vibes. I couldn't see myself devoting my time around someone that could trash the memory of my son like that. I wasn't going to share this bit, but there it is. I didn't write it off fir one person.

We live in a tiny Kansas town. There is no coffee shop, craft store, running shop, etc. We have a tiny market, post office, a bank, a liquor store, a bar, and a tiny library.
The bar is just not a place for me. The most I drink is a glass of wine or two at home maybe once a year.
I didn't think to check the library for activities (duh!), thanks for the idea. I've baked cookies and took them to neighbors. Maybe my cookies sucked lol. I do try to make sure if I see a neighbor outdoors I talk to them. Unless of course I'm pulling out of the driveway when they come out.

I'm kind of where you are, except I'm not shy and am a chatter box. I have friends but my two best friends live in other states. This past September I moved about 45 min away from my family... Not that far but. The only person I really know here besides my boyfriend is our 60+ year old neighbor. When I want a new face besides my boyfriend I go chat with her. Unfortunately she is gonna move :( eventually I'd love to get to know some people our age. My boyfriend has restrictions on things he can do... He has an eye condition which makes him unable to see in the dark so he isn't comfortable in bars or at bonfires or anything with groups where he can't see, which is totally understandable

I get the stuck up thing too, or people think I am mean too. I don't have a smiley face, u know some people just have a happy face that a smile belongs on. Don't gets me wrong I smile, but I have always had this look people think is a dirty look. I don't have many friends, well I keep in touch with some old guy friends from old jobs, I seem to get along better with guys. Girls usually don't like me. I am assuming its me cause I have never been able to hang on to girlfriends. But since I am married I don't tend to hang out with my guy friends much, just lunch every few months to catch up.
It sounds like u r trying to do activities where u will meet people which is more than I can say for myself. I just don't know what I would talk about if I joined any group. I tend to put my foot in my mouth often. I do think I am nice and funny but need to feel comfortable before that side of me comes out. My family can't believe how antisocial I am cause I am the life of the party at family functions, well one of them, anyway. Guess I don't have any advice just wanted to chat! Hope u make friends, I can always message me.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot too. Not saying mean things, but I guess things that make no sense because I panic trying to find things to say when the awkward silence sets in. Or something will make sense in mu head and it comes out all wrong. I'm same in I can be the life of the party but does take time to warm up. I think part of it is my confidence. Thanks for the invite! Still waiting for the messaging to show up for me. Should be there soon hopefully.

Im from Wichita Kansas, So its nice to see a few Kansan's on this forum, I was going to say you can go to penpalsnow.com to meet people that way but again thats through the internet and I know you said you wanted to meet people that werent on the internet but anyway with all of the ideas other members have given you Im sure you'll end up making friends in no time :)

I'm friendless as well. Am 21 years old, and don't have a single real friend to go out with or talk to. I've been a socially isolated loner for literally my entire life. I have bad social anxiety and terrible social/conversation skills. I've tried to change things and make friends, but I always, ALWAYS fail at it. It sucks being alone, but at this point I'm just trying to learn to accept my aloneness, even though I hate it. I'm done with continuously trying to make friends and continuously failing and being disappointed. I won't be making friends any time soon (if ever), and I'll just have to accept that.

It is hard to accept. I know I'm a nice person with good traits for a friend (loyal, honest, punctual) but I've come to the conclusion that I must be boring. My "friends" never hesitate to contact me when their lives are going to heck and they need a shoulder to cry on. But as soon as their lives are back on track, they call other people to go out and have fun with.

SweetAsCanBe, this must all be very hard for you.

I too have a toxic friend. Well, semi-toxic. She is not supportive of my weightloss. She tries to sabotage my diet. She never helps me. I need to be more like you and end my relationship.

This stuck out at me. It sounds a bit judgmental. You may not have anything in common with these people but that's not necessarily why you're being avoided. I make small talk with people I have nothing in common with all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm isolated and avoided because of my weight but if you're putting out the vibe that you don't drink and that you judge people for drinking then it's a no brainer that they will avoid you. Nobody wants to hang out with anyone who is judgemental, sound familiar?

We've all been in a place of loneliness and isolation, I can certainly sympathize. Have you tried joining a book club, or a softball team, or going to a dance class, or just anything that will get you out of the house and interacting with other adults? I have a 2yr old and sometimes all I want is some adult conversation! It's important enough for our sanity to seek it out.