Feeling really unnice about people lately
 

Let me explain. I'm from an area where a lot of people are very large and thats just their norm. I've lost 134lbs, even at my highest of 335 I was considered 'not fat just extra' . So now at 201 , and probably for the last 40lbs or so, I've been getting a lot of people being defensive or just down right cruel to me.

I had one guy yell at me at my hosue party for eating a salad instead of sharing in the pizza saying I was just bulls**ting cause 'losing weight isn't important no one cares about weight and weight doesn't hurt your health'

Lately my issue has been with women. A typical convo will start off with us asking the other whats for supper and unless I say something fat laden they start this rant which includes pretty much all or at least 75% of the following no matter who the person is or what the convo is :

-I'm happy with who I am I don't want to be a twig, men do not like twigs, twigs are gross so I don't want to be your weight or less anyways cause thats twiggy

-Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and men loved her , men won't love a size 6

-Weight has no effect on your health thats just science foolishness

-I don't have the time like you do I have work/school (im also in school...)

-I enjoy my life too much to be restrictive cause if you're eating healthy life is boring

-Being overweight or obese isn't real as in it doesn't effect you in any way and food isn't the cause you're just the way you are genetically

-I'm large boned so I can't be small anyways

-You need to stop losing weight cause you're big boned and you'll die/get sick/be ugly

-I'm not fat I'm just muscular and 'athletic' and my body carries my weight well so Its ok if I'm 220-300+ lbs

-my man likes me fat he would think a woman like you or smaller is disgusting

-I want to be a REAL woman


So yeah I'm really frustrated. I don't attack their weight or bring up their weight, I don't talk about my diet unless they ask and then get attacked anyways. I don't understand why they feel the need to start this rant at me and the only response I ever give is 'well everyones bodies are different and we have to find what works for us and makes us happy' which seems to just make them rant harder. So like I'm honestly starting to get to the point where I'm like anxious of talking to anyone larger than me cause I'm sure they will feel the need to defend theirselves to me, I am starting to feel defensive on the inside like oh god don't talk to me you'll just bark at me and now today I am starting to be like well if they attack my weight maybe I should attack back and not be so submissve when they are ranting or yelling at me but I don't want to be mean you know? I dont think its the right thing to do , I dont even care what weight they are, I just want to defend myself somehow cause I feel so beaten down by this stuff every day

SO theres my rant :(

I'm not even small so I can't imagine how bad itll be when I'm at goal

They are justifying their own weight By attacking you it draws attention away from them. I am sure if they wanted to be honest they would admit that being overweight does have potential health problems. I didn't make this up it is proved by medical science. Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestral, cancer, strokes to name a few.

When i was 335 I had a bad liver, high blood pressure, blood sugar problems, couldn't breathe right at night or if I walked, I couldn't go up stairs, my chest hurt all the time. Now I'm not perfect but I'm feeling better than I did then. So the whole its just junk science that weight hurts you just blows my mind.

Don't really have any advice to offer... but I just wanted to say that when comes to discussing weight loss with people you just "can't win for trying..." sometimes...

It's funny though... because here in nyc it sounds like it's the exact opposite... it seems like everyone I know wants to lose weight whether they need to or not... That old cliche "You can never be too rich or too thin" is alive and well here...

I guess the one thing I've learned is I'm always going to be too fat for some people and probably too skinny for some other people... not much I can do about that... just do my best to figure out what weight is best for me...

I think the fact that they defend it so hard, and are so bad to you over your success is probably a testament to how they actually feel. I think I would just end the conversation when they get started. Walk away. Eventually they will figure it out that it's not open for discussion. Or tell them flat out that you did not ask for an opinion. That would not be mean of you, what they are saying is absolutely rude and you don't have to hear it.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this now that you have accomplished so much. I agree with Bargoo, they are justifying themselves and their weight to themselves.

I had no other choice but to get rid of the negative energy people from my life. I know that sounds extreme but I had to take a break from them all. Now by "all" it's only about 5 people in my family (and my in-laws) but I was at my breaking point. I need to get healthy for me and my husband, no one else! It's only for a little while but of course they are all offended, yaddha yaddha yaddha. Too bad I say.

Isn't it amazing how people turn your health into it being all about them? Drives me bonkers!!

It just amazes me how quickly they turn to ranting. They will say im having such and such and Ill be like thats yummy! im having this and boom off they go or they will ask what i did today and ill say i got a new pair of jeans and boom off they go. Like thats got to be some deep seated issues about weight

Originally Posted by dancinginpaint:
I think I would just end the conversation when they get started. Walk away. Eventually they will figure it out that it's not open for discussion. Or tell them flat out that you did not ask for an opinion. That would not be mean of you, what they are saying is absolutely rude and you don't have to hear it.

This is exactly what I was thinking--don't engage. It's hard not to engage, but I don't think you going off on them back would make you feel any better.

I'd have a handful of responses on tap and just use them when I didn't want to engage at all:

• "Wow. Excuse me." and walk away.
• "Do you think so? Excuse me." and walk away.
• <on the phone> "Really? I have to go now--talk to you later." and hang up.
• "That's interesting. Excuse me." and walk away.

You'd be perfectly within your rights to amp those up a little bit--but still refuse to discuss it. When changing the subject it always helps to change it to something they will want to talk about: themselves.

• "Your food, your choice. My food, my choice." and walk away or follow-up with a subject change: "So, how's little Susie doing at school these days?"
• "I'm feeling better since I started this. Anyway, tell me how your trip to the game this weekend."
• "I don't want to discuss that. Have you heard from your mom lately?"
• "I'm not going to discuss this, so I'll be leaving--see you later"

They probably won't change the subject--so that means you get to. Having a few of these that you can pull out and use may help your mood about it.

For what it's worth, I'm down 17 lbs since January and 22 lbs from my high weight--and my blood sugar (on medication) has gone from out of control to well under control. It's all tied up with improved eating, more exercise, and weight loss, but it's definitely tied to making healthier food choices. They're flat out wrong about it not being a general health issue. (I will say, though, that I know people considerably bigger than I am who don't have the blood sugar or cholesterol issues I do, so it's not universal.)

My best advice is not to engage--don't have the discussion--if they start it, you end it, either by leaving the conversation or deliberately changing the subject.

You are doing an awesome job with weight loss in very difficult circumstances.

Good luck!

Thanks guys for the advice. I think I'm too submissive when talking to people and just don't know how to get them off their rant. I have two modes -I'm submissive and then i'm like ultra dominant. I dont like being that ultra dominating person but thats what happens when ppl push me too far. So I try to just keep being submissive but I have to learn to just walk away and not be either since I dont have any middle ground on how I react to people

You can always say " My weight is not up for discussion" and walk away . leave the room or house if you have to.

WOW. Just. WOW.

Uhm...well, considering I tend to be very outspoken, if that were me, well, needless to say they would never say it again, at least not to my face.

:hug: hun. Don't let them get you down. If they start in on you about a "real woman", tell them that a "real human" wouldn't be so nasty to a supposed friend/family member and if they can't be happy for you, then you have better things to do...AND WALK AWAY!!!

If they mention you aren't eating enough "fat and lard", I would calmly point out that I like the sound of silence as my heart is no longer screaming in agony at the possibility of a heart attack within the next five minutes...AND THEN WALK AWAY!!

That's just me though :) I am blunt like that. You are doing great, don't let a couple of ninnies get you down. So what if you aren't their ideal of "real." It's not them you are trying to please. It is you. And as long as you are happy with what you are accomplishing, then everyone else can bugger off.

That sounds mega frustrating. I've heard stuff like that a few times from people bigger than me who are not ready to change, but I haven't lost 135 pounds so it's not often people say much to me about it.

I might suggest not saying you're trying to lose weight/ be healthier (if you do say that) when they ask what you're eating/ why. Like this:

Annoying Person: Why aren't you eating pizza?
OP: Oh, I'm not in the mood. Totally feeling this salad right now.
Annoying Person: Is it because you're trying to lose weight? You're too skinny. I want to be a REAL woman blarghblarghblargh.
OP: No, it has nothing to do with that. I just like salad.
Annoying Person: What? Everybody likes pizza.
OP: Yeah, I'm just not in the mood. Tell me about your kids/dogs/mom...

Also, if someone told me that weight has nothing to do with health and that's just "science bs" or whatever, I think I'd be pretty quick to inform them a bit. Maybe you could even say, "Oh, well, I don't know about you, of course, but since I've lost 135 lbs, I've gotten off all my bp meds/ liver meds/whatever, and it's absolutely related to my weight loss."

As a final note, it really REALLY pisses me off when people say things about being a "real" woman/etc. I'm a bigger girl, too. Yes, I think society makes bigger girls feel unloved/ not as gorgeous as skinny girls, but there is NO reason for us bigger girls to perpetuate that cycle by making thin girls feel like they are not women or not "real" women or whatever. Women come in ALL shapes and sizes, that's the lesson feminism wants to teach society. NOT that a "real" woman looks like any particular thing.

Originally Posted by MarjorieMargarine:
That sounds mega frustrating. I've heard stuff like that a few times from people bigger than me who are not ready to change, but I haven't lost 135 pounds so it's not often people say much to me about it.

I might suggest not saying you're trying to lose weight/ be healthier (if you do say that) when they ask what you're eating/ why. Like this:

Annoying Person: Why aren't you eating pizza?
OP: Oh, I'm not in the mood. Totally feeling this salad right now.
Annoying Person: Is it because you're trying to lose weight? You're too skinny. I want to be a REAL woman blarghblarghblargh.
OP: No, it has nothing to do with that. I just like salad.
Annoying Person: What? Everybody likes pizza.
OP: Yeah, I'm just not in the mood. Tell me about your kids/dogs/mom...

Also, if someone told me that weight has nothing to do with health and that's just "science bs" or whatever, I think I'd be pretty quick to inform them a bit. Maybe you could even say, "Oh, well, I don't know about you, of course, but since I've lost 135 lbs, I've gotten off all my bp meds/ liver meds/whatever, and it's absolutely related to my weight loss."

As a final note, it really REALLY pisses me off when people say things about being a "real" woman/etc. I'm a bigger girl, too. Yes, I think society makes bigger girls feel unloved/ not as gorgeous as skinny girls, but there is NO reason for us bigger girls to perpetuate that cycle by making thin girls feel like they are not women or not "real" women or whatever. Women come in ALL shapes and sizes, that's the lesson feminism wants to teach society. NOT that a "real" woman looks like any particular thing.

The real woman thing really gets to me too. Ever since that real woman campaign started its made people think its okay to look down on women who do not shop in plus size stores (I think it started with plus size stores saying real women etc tho im not sure where it started I know I saw it at lane bryant and addition elle). It seems to have also made people think only larger women have curves. I get wanting to feel sexy in your body, I used to be a size 26 and I wanted so badly to feel sexy. But I never once looked at a size 0 girl and told her she wasn't real or men wouldn't want her cause only larger women have feminine curves. Most women battle feelings of self consciousness about their bodies whether you're 400lbs or 90lbs and all the weights in between, we all have feelings and a lot of us look in a mirror and wish we were different whether we wish we had more toneing or wish a certain part was bigger or smaller or wish this showed better than this, we beat ourselves up enough every day about our bodies and the thing is this happens throughout the weight spectrum and I think the 'real woman' campaign fails to realise that smaller women can feel just as poorly about themselves as a larger woman. I know I get more negativity thrown at me now about my looks than I ever did at 335. When I was 335 I also thought smaller women didn't have to worry about their body or peoples opinions on it, but if anything its worse.

Ahhhh good old body shaming.

Happy people who like their own bodies don't stoop to criticizing others' bodies. And we all know the "real women" thing is BS, look at internet personals and the thousands of guys who write "NO FAT CHICKS" on their profiles, as if that's going to somehow be appealing to thin women.

Please don't take offense at what I'm about to do but I'm in kind of a bad mood and what people are saying to you, CherryQuinn, is really ticking me off. So, I'm going to engage in fantasy responses. Actually, I would, and have, said some of these things if I'm in a mood like I am today.

Originally Posted by :
-I'm happy with who I am I don't want to be a twig, men do not like twigs, twigs are gross so I don't want to be your weight or less anyways cause thats twiggy

In what universe does weighing over 200 pounds resemble being a twig? Really?

Originally Posted by :
-Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and men loved her , men won't love a size 6

Nonsense. In today's sizes it is entirely possible that she wore a size 6 at most a size 10. Her measurements were
Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches
Weight: 118-140 pounds
Bust: 35-37 inches
Waist: 22-23 inches
Hips: 35-36 inches
Bra size: 36D

Source: http://jezebel.com/5299793/for-the-l...marilyn-monroe

Originally Posted by :
-Weight has no effect on your health thats just science foolishness

IMO, anyone who uses the phrase "science foolishness" demonstrates their own ignorance. Obesity most definitely has a negative impact on health in most cases although there are rare exceptions. But since you disregard science as foolishness, this conversation is over.

Originally Posted by :
-I don't have the time like you do I have work/school (im also in school...)

Oh, yeah because I don't work full time or have anything else to do in my life. Riiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt.

Originally Posted by :
-I enjoy my life too much to be restrictive cause if you're eating healthy life is boring

I used to think like that until I weighed 302, was borderline diabetic, couldn't walk to the end of my own driveway, was in almost constant pain and had sleep apnea and GERD. Yeah, all that definitely wasn't boring. Of course the marked decrease in my pain, my increased mobility, my normal blood sugar levels and the fact that I just feel better all around is really, really boring.

Originally Posted by :
-Being overweight or obese isn't real as in it doesn't effect you in any way and food isn't the cause you're just the way you are genetically

Bovine excrement.

Originally Posted by :
-I'm large boned so I can't be small anyways

I have a large frame too but that doesn't give me an excuse to be super obese. It just means that I'll never be twiggy thin. I'm OK with that.

Originally Posted by :
-You need to stop losing weight cause you're big boned and you'll die/get sick/be ugly

I'm healthier than I've been in over 20 years. If you think I'm ugly, that's your problem. I'm happy with the way I look.

Originally Posted by :
-I'm not fat I'm just muscular and 'athletic' and my body carries my weight well so Its ok if I'm 220-300+ lbs

Good for you. I'm fat, not muscular or athletic. Oh and I have a mirror. My body does not carry the weight well.

Originally Posted by :
-my man likes me fat he would think a woman like you or smaller is disgusting

My husband wants me to be healthy, period. You see, he loves me for who I am and would really like for me to be around for a long time. Oh and he likes the way I look regardless if I'm heavy or not.

Originally Posted by :
-I want to be a REAL woman

What the eff do you think I am? A FAKE woman? How rude!

__________

OK, that was cathartic!