Would you forgive this "friend"
 

I have been friends with this girl for about 5 years - known each other about 9. The past two years we have been relativly close. Most people can't stand her since she is a very controlling person that has no filter, but I am a really relaxed person so I can look past it.

We went to on vacation 2 weeks ago. The purpose of the vacation was to go out and have a great time (Mardi Gras!). On Saturday night, she did not want to go out. On Sunday night, she got so drunk so could not remember what happened (nothing). Monday night she wanted to be in bed by 10pm, but since I had spent the previous night virtually babysitting her, I wanted to go out. Luckily, that same night we had met a group of people so she went to bed and I went out. I told her I would be back by a certain time. I walked in only 5 minutes past "curfew" and she had already called security and was LIVID. I apologized - we went to bed.

Tuesday - since I was still sleeping - she went out and did her own thing and did not speak to me. At 5pm when she came back, I asked her if she wanted to go out to get something to eat since I was starving. She said no so I went by myself and met up with that group. I sent her 5 different text messages asking her to join us. She said no. My phone was dying so I sent her a text saying meet me on "x street" at 7:45. I waited until 8:15 and she did not show up. I then used someones cellphone to call the hotel and again asked her to join us since it was the last night and it shouldn't be ruined by arguing at the hotel. She then hung up on me. At that point I was done trying.

When I went back to the hotel room at 1am, she had called my husband, told him I had ditched her for a group of men (not true), that I had been missing since that afternoon (not true, she knew where I was), and she had switched her plane and LEFT ME alone in the USA (Luckily, I've traveled ALOT so I was not bothered)

We have not spoken since. She is demanding an apology in which I do not feel like I owe her one. Yes, we both could have done things to make it work but we were both stubborn. I did not want to sit in a hotel and pout where as she wanted me to join her in the hotel. However, I am starting to miss the friendship and I am a very forgiving persons (sometimes not a good thing). I could forgive her for hanging up on me and being snotty and leaving me in another country... but I am having trouble forgiving her for calling my husband and my family, having them think I've been raped and dumped in an alley since I "had been missing since the afternoon and was last seen with a group of men". Since my phone was dead, my husband had no way to call me so he was back home FREAKING out.

If you were in my position, would you try and let it all go for the sake of the friendship, or would you consider what she did inexcusable?

I'd find it enexcusable. Who needs that drama

What she did is inexcusable. If she was motivated by concern for your well-being she would not have left you there. She was trying to cause you trouble. Apologise to your hubby for the drama that she caused and for not keeping your phone charged. Next time take him on the trip and leave her home.

I have no time in my life for drama (I think I'm a lot older than you), it stressed me out to read your posting! I don't like passive-agressive people like your friend comes off to me, so I'd say dump her and move on. But obviously I don't know how good a friend she is to you and what type of relationship you really do have with her (so it's easy for me to say get rid of her).

When I read that you were married, I was actually shocked. This seems like young newly 21-year-old drama where people are just "learning" to drink and overdoing it.

I'd kick her to the curb, you don't need that. And my heart breaks for your husband and what he and your family went through. Anyone who hurts my family on purpose loses all of their value in my eyes.

Are you kidding?

i'd be running away from that hot mess as fast as my legs could carry me, never to look back. Yea forgive her but i'd have absolutely nothing to do with her.

Sorry you had to go through that, there are so many other people out there that would be invaluable friends, life is way too short.

I understand that you are comfortable with travel. I think she was definitely wrong for not going out day 1 and you are jusified for resenting babysitting on day 2, however, going out with people you don't know is dangerous. Yes, everything worked out for the best but there are some shady people that flock to large celebrations and tourist areas just to prey on unsuspecting tourists.

I would think that she was genuinely afraid for you. I would be extremely anxious about possible bad scenarios and feel responsible for you. You both have legitimate reasons for being upset.

Ditto what Elvislover said...She crossed the line by lying to your husband. She was trying to stir something up between you and him.
She would be out of my life so fast her head would spin.
(and I am an old grandma who has seen my share of drama)

...and rather than using the phone of a stranger you could have considered making your way to the hotel to charge your phone, if not for her, for your family to be able to get in touch with you or you with them. An active cell phone could have saved some of the drama. If she hadn't called to alert your family there would be no problem but what if they needed to get in touch with you for some reason?

The worried mom in me says...keep your phone charged.

I honestly had no idea that she had contacted my family, otherwise I would have went back to the hotel. In my mind, the only thing back at the hotel was a huge fight and I was not in the mood for it, thats why I invited her out several times. I didn't think she would contact my husband to stir up trouble.

As for the going out with strangers bit, I know all to well what can go on. I'm in school to be a police officer so I pretty much learn the extreme ends of bad situations everyday. I like to think it enhances my personal judgement. Naturally, I can completely understand my husbands fear though!

See, I would probably be the friend in the room hyperventilating, over thinking and watching the clock. I wouldn't call your husband though.

I would hope that you would forgive me. But we would probably never travel together again because I would drive you crazy! :)

Haha! Some people are just never meant to share a hotel room together for a week!

I think she's a drama Llama!

I think she's the kind of person who candy coats their issues in things that sounds logical. Hence the "well I was worried about you" stuff. Really, she didn't want you to have fun without her, and was being passive aggressive about it.

Well... I had a drama queen friend in college.I realized that to keep her as a friend would mean having boundaries.

So, if you strike up some sort of friendship again, if you find you can forgive, just be sure to keep it at arm's length. you can't trust her completely, so behave that way. Doesn't mean that you can't do things every once in awhile, but I also think you need to find a better bosom buddy for times you do need more from a friendship.

Toooo much drama for me! Sure there are things you could have done differently, but she WAY over-reacted.

Calling security five minutes after you said you'd be home? Who is she, your mom? I can see calling after 30-45 minutes, especially if you're usually prompt, but 5? Really? You could be stuck at a red light for that long!

Even if she was (justifiably or not) miffed at you, ignoring you and being a sourpuss was juvenile.

Leaving you alone in a foreign country- rude.

Tattling on you to your husband and stirring the pot- OH :censored: NO!

You don't need people like that in your life. And for HER to want an apology? Pfft. Don't let the door hit ya, chickie!

There are 6 billion people out there you could be friends with- you don't need to put up with that kind of crap. I know I wouldn't!

Omfg NO! Demanding an apology after SHE left you in another country AND called your husband and told him you ditched her for a group of guys!? Yeah, I'd have a few choice words for her alright...

Find a new friend. I can't stand controlling people or drama queens and she's both.

I might have said sure, give her another chance, but not with the lying to your husband and saying you were out with other men. That just puts it completely beyond forgivable.

No way,run like the wind from this person:hug: rosey

Depends on the strength and depth of the friendship.

I'm pretty imperfect myself so my true friends forgive me sometimes and I do the same for them.

I agree - calling your husband and telling him you were out with men was crossing the line. I *may* have forgiven calling your husband if she didn't exaggerate it. Also, her leaving early without you - not safe and not appropriate.

That said, there are two sides to every story and her behavior seems so irrational (I presume you liked this woman before the trip and she doesn't have a history of this type of behavior) that I can't help but wonder - what is her side of the story? And is there a miscommunication you weren't aware of? Is it possible she is on some other message board going "you'll never guess what my friend did to me in new orleans ... I had to leave early" ... (okay probably not on a message board but you get my point - is this what she is thinking?). I don't know if I think you should just ditch her immediately - and think you should at least try to talk with her about what happened and how it mde you feel.

Yeah, she's worried for your "safety" yet LEAVES YOU ALONE in the US and flies back home without you??? How hypocritical is that?

Honestly, she sounds really weird to me. As above, her behavior is so weird and insane that I feel like we're all missing something here. Nobody rational acts like that unless they are:
1. Crazy
2. Has a good reason you are unaware of.

Judging from your story, I highly doubt there is a good reason you are missing. Therefore, she is crazy.

Honestly, as I said, most people do not talk to her because she is crazy. In 2 years, she has lost her 2 closest friends because they got fed up with her. My husband (prior to this) hated even being in the same room as her because he couldn't stand her. I admit, I could have gone back to the hotel room, but I could not deal with being talked to like a child and her bossy behavior. I wanted to enjoy the rest of the trip and deal with the problems later, but she wouldn't listen.

She was honestly just mad because I did not come back to the hotel room. That was the only issue on the trip and because I did not do what she wanted, she leaves me in another country. There was no major fight, no harsh words... nothing. Just me not coming back when she wanted and her taking off.

But you deserve a real friend. I can understand feeling lonely and missing a friendship, but that is not a healthy friendship. I'm not saying ditch her forever - but you simply cannot trust and would need to find better alternatives in real friendship.

Thanks for all of your responses guys! I do appreciate it. Its nice to have somewhere to vent.

I totally agree. You admit she's crazy, it's not healthy to stay in an unhealthy relationship like that - with a friend or boyfriend or husband, etc. Know what I mean?

I'm not judging, I know it's really hard to break free from unhealthy things. But berryblondeboys is right. You deserve a real friend. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that to one of my friends. Ever!!