Moving in with your significant other
 

I'd like to get a few opinions on something.

When you move in with a BF or GF what do you think is a fair amount to pay for living there?

I'll give you a little background. A few years ago I moved in with my BF who owns his own home. I was not added to the deed and we are not engaged (and probably never will be). He does earn about $10k per year more than me (not that that matters, just want to throw it out there if anyone asks).

We ended up splitting everything 50/50. I have been hearing lately from my family and even a good friend of mine that they think I am paying too much. They feel like I am helping to pay a mortgage for a house that I will never own and that he was paying a mortgage prior to my moving in so why should I chip in so much. These people feel I should contribute something but that 50% is too much.

For anyone that has moved into their SO home, how did you handle the bills? What do you feel is a fair amount to pay?

I've lived with a boyfriend in an apartment before. We just split the rent in half. We actually made the same amount of money so that worked for us.

My husband owned his house when we got married (and soon after I was put on as a co-owner).

I've heard of different ways to split the cost of living. For example, you could determine how much you each bring home...so if total take-home is 50K and he makes 30K and you make 20K, then you would pay 40% of the bills (something like that. You can search for ideas on how to do that).

But I agree that it seems kind of sketchy that you're paying toward a mortgage but you're not an owner. It sounds more like he's your landlord, not a boyfriend. But I get that you want to contribute...maybe if he paid the mortgage and you paid the other bills? I don't know, it's a tough situation.

While we were dating, both my husband and I moved in together into an apartment. He paid the rent, I paid for groceries and most of the bills (he might've paid 1?). The reason being is I was the one that did the shopping so it was just easier that way. He did make a fair amount of money more than me at the time ($40k?).

A few months before we got married, I ended up taking care of all the bills and he would just deposit his paycheck into my account. We already knew we were getting married though and he hated taking care of bills.

Honestly in your shoes I would pay fair market value for renting a room. (Look on Craigslist for ideas about how much rooms for rent go for in your area.)

There is no way in h*ll I would pay 50% of someone's mortgage just because we're dating unless my name was on the mortgage too!

Do you guys share the home equally? Do you use 50% of everything? I may be wrong, but I'd bet it would cause a very big issue if you informed your boyfriend that you no longer feel like you should pay half if you're using half! But maybe you aren't! I don't know!

IMO if the situation was reversed and a member posted that all of a sudden her live in boyfriend didn't wanna pay half anymore I think the responses would be very different.

Obviously we've only been given a tiny snipit of information, so that's all I can base my opinion off of. But truly I don't see why whose name is on the mortgage or who makes what amount of money matters when you're sharing the entire home. But again, that's just based on the info you've given.

Only you can decide if your situation is fair.

I moved in with my sweetie 12 years ago, and initially I paid $350 a month. His mortgage, at the time, was in the $1100 range, so I was paying about 1/3. He makes double my income, fwiw. Later he built onto the house, refinanced, and his mortgage is about $2000 a month now and I pay $500 a month. I do buy half the groceries and we split chores, but admittedly he has a larger portion of the bills.

I think half of the mortgage is too much, How much would he get iif he were renting it ? I do see paying half of utlilities and half of groceries .

You made a comment about never being engaged. If you don't mind me asking is this a sarcastic remark or something you are comfortable with?

I do agree with everyone that says you are paying to much to live there. You are essentially paying for a house you may never get any benefit out of paying for. I could understand if you both rented a home or apartment. Neither one of you will ever own it and that seems fair to split. But if he already owns it, why should you pay so much? I think it would be fair if he took care of the mortgage and you took care of everything else. Like lights, cable, heat, etc. my friend recently just moved in with her SO and the same thing happened to her. He has a room mate so somebody is already paying half the mortgage and he wanted her to pay the other half! So he really wanted to live in his own house for free. I would sit down and have a talk with him or evaluate what you feel comfortable paying. Good luck.

I don't think it matters that it's his mortgage or not. You'll be paying someone's mortgage if you were renting.

Some people recommend paying proportionally to your salaries as Amy8888 suggested.

If you think that is more fair because he makes $10K more than you, then suggest that to him and say you can't afford to pay the same % as you are doing now.

But the question about whether your boyfriend should be subsidizing your rent just because it's house is irrelevant. It's always going to be someone's mortgage! It's better that it's your boyfriend's rather than someone you don't know because if something breaks you got your landlord right there!

Here's my question did it bother you before your family and friends brought it up? Why is this only bothering you now, after you've paid this for a few years?

I think the most important thing it life is to discuss issues in a relationship with each other directly. Talk to him if it bothers you. He's not a stranger he's your boyfriend. Hearing the opinion of every one else on what they do might just confuse you on what you want.

This isn't maybe because you're confused on where the relationship stands because you want the relationship to move forward?

I should clarify...I pay 50% of the total bills. That includes electric, heat, phone, cable & the mortage. he added everything up and split it down the middle and we went with that. The only variable is the food which we share. I do not pay for home improvements (maybe some paint but nothing more). It's not that I want to stop paying. It's that I've heard from more than one person that they feel I pay too much and it got me wondering.

Celigirl88 - Did that sound sarcastic? :o When I first moved in with him I did think it would lead to marraige but 5 years later it has not come up. I know, I should have made my wishes known way back when, I'll save that for another thread.

Lockit up - I do use 50% of the house and I see your point. Thank you for your input.

Amy8888 - that actually sounds fair to me. I like that idea.


Everyone - Thank you for your input. I don't know if I will even bring it up unless something changes with his or my financial situation. It was one of those things where a few people expressed their opinion and I wondered if there was something to it.

No it didn't :) I just couldn't tell if this is something that you may want in the future because if so, that's something you should think about with how you have things set up. Meaning if you think you will marry this man, then I could get what your paying to be fair since one day you both will own the house, given he puts you on the deed if that makes sense haha

This is a popular topic around the PF blogosphere! Google around a bit and you will get many opinions and different ways to split things.

I agree with Mozzy that the best thing to do is to charge you a fair market rate for the amount of the house that you use. You didn't, however, mention how big the house is. Generally, renting is more expensive month-to-month than buying (hence why people are able to rent out their houses) so paying only 50% of the mortgage/taxes/insurance and expenses may be LESS than what your space would rent for (assuming he's not asking you to help him pay down the mortgage faster). However, that only applies if it is a small house. If there is a lot of space that you (individually) don't use, 50% of the mortgage/taxes/insurance would be too much.

So just decide how much space is "yours" and come to an agreement on what that space would rent for using comparable rentals in your area, and pay that plus 50% of the utilities. If there is a ton of unused space in the house and your BF needs more help with the bills, get another roommate.

Is the total amount you pay within reason to an equal rental value?

Whose idea was it to spilt the bills in half ?and was it done from the beginning?
Now you want to go back and renegotiate the agreed upon amount because family/friends told you were not getting the equity?
Do you think if you were renting do you think your Landlord would renegotiate an agreed upon amount because your family /friends said you should be paying less,do you thing that would fly?
Why not have your own place and have a roommate and spilt the bills with them as opposed to living with your boyfriend and spilting the bills?
If you had a roommate would you expect them to pay more if they earned more?
I think from your boyfriends point of view why should things change ...you agreed to this.
Why all of the sudden do you feel like your getting the short end of the stick now. Did something change in the relationship?
Personally I would be making some back up plans...this conversation could bring to the surface that could alter things .
Good Luck , Roo2

Agreed. Especially if he made more than me. I would expect to be with someone that said, "hey, since I make a little more than you and the mortgage is my responsibility, let's come up with something that seems fair to both of us".

I mean, let's face it, if he rented a space in his place to a stranger, how much would he be charging them?

But if it doesn't bother you, then whatever.

I think that unless he has an absurdly high mortgage and its much higher than the cost to rent the house, and you can afford it (i.e. its not out of your financial range) I think the set up is perfectly reasonable. If fair market rent on a house is MUCH lower than the mortgage - then I do think you are throwing your money away if he's not planning on marrying you sometime soon.

I think you have to answer for yourself if it's fair or not. I can tell you how I would feel about it but I don't know if that will help you. Personally it sounds like you have way more to lose in this relationship than he does. He's got his mortgaged covered, he's saved thousands of dollars from not buying an engagement ring, the house is all his should you break up because your name is not on it, and you're even chipping in for paint. It's a bum deal.

I'd never move in with someone if they didn't put a ring on it. I truly believe in the saying "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free." When you have a relationship there should be an expectation right up front on whether you want to get married or not. It sounds like you want to get married but are now giving up on wanting that. I've never seen an arrangement of living together in the hopes of proposal work out. Not saying it doesn't ever work, just saying that I've never seen it work in anyone I know in my own real world. I tell this to my girlfriends all the time, don't live with a guy if you don't know if he's looking for marriage and they argue 'no no I love him and we have to make it work" and then 7yrs later he dumps her and marries someone else within 3months. It's happened to numerous people I know.

Anyway back on topic - no I wouldn't pay rent to my boyfriend. It just makes things complicated. I would move out and be independent and see if the relationship has a future before I invest money in something I don't even own.

Well I think it is important to have common goals and I don't know your situation but if marriage was one of your goals, then that should be really worked out early in a relationship.

I don't necessarily see living with someone as a bad thing because I lived with my husband but I don't think either of us had an idea where the relationship was going. Marriage wasn't a goal of mine at the start though as I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married.

You have multiple situations though:
1) Partner doesn't ever want to get married or marry you in particular - it doesn't matter if you moved in or not, relationship would be the same. If you move in or not, it doesn't matter. If you pressed the marriage issue, the relationship would end but if you 'settle', then relationship will continue.

2) Partner is not really interested in marriage but wants someone there for various reasons. It could be they want someone to take care of them, help pay rent, etc, etc. If you move in, partner is fine with that arrangement. If you don't move in the partner may consider marriage OR may think about finding someone else who doesn't want to get married.

3) Partner wants to get married, wants to find a lifelong partner. In this instance, it wouldn't matter if you move in or not because the partner has a goal of getting married. Now partner might settle for a little while if you are the one that doesn't want to get married but either way, the relationship would probably end if the partner feels strongly about it.

I really think 'why buy the milk' scenario really only applies to situation #2 above. Meaning, it isn't really a good reason to get married. "Get married or else they will leave". I definitely think it is important though to talk things out and if your goals aren't in sync with eachother then you have to decide where you want to go with that.

The answer isn't a right or wrong but rather it's dependent on the dynamic of your relationship and emotions.

My husband and I moved in very quickly after we started dating, maybe 6 months. It started off as just a month because I was in between apartments. I got another apartment after a month but it was just too far away and seemed silly so... we moved in together. Regarding rent, it wasn't ever a contractual agreement of 30/70, 50/50 or whatever. There were periods where I was going to school or unemployed but always looking for a job. I paid what I could when I could and he knew that. Later after we moved cities, there was a period where HE was unemployed and I was working and paid everything.

Basically, if the rigid structure is working for you great. But you may wish make sure you and your BF are on the same page not only about your future but how the arrangement would work if say you were unemployed or take a pay cut. Is he seeing this really as his house and you're a tenant or is there more flexibility?

Maybe 50% wouldn't seem so unfair if you determine it's below market value for a room/apartment and that you won't get kicked out (like in an apt) if your life situation changes.

Financial decisions are best made separately from emotional decisions. Please consider your financial stability no matter what situation you find yourself in w/r/t your relationship. And this goes for men too.


How much of your paycheck is left for savings after you pay your half? If you don't have enough for savings you may be putting yourself at risk.

If your relationship were to end tomorrow would you be able to afford to start over? Furniture? establishing utilities? electronics (cell phone, television)? Car repairs? I don't mean this in a bad way but he would have a roof over his head and possible furniture as well as utilities.

Would you be able to afford a living space in an area of town where you would like to live? Commute to work?

Would you like to own a home some day? Are your actions moving you closer to that goal?

______________

Now for the emotional:

Do you want to marry your boyfriend?

Is there a reason you don't want to bring up marriage?

Are you comfortable with a non-traditional arrangement?

Do you trust him to have your best interest at heart when making arrangements for the future?

Are you able to talk to him frankly about finances? If not, why not?

I think you should contribute but I do agree that you are paying too much. If you were renting, I'd say split it 50/50 for sure but paying towards his mortgage 50/50 is a different issue. You may never own even part of the house and that's a lot of money...assuming, of course, that the mortgage is high.

I would personally rather pay a set amount a month as if I were "renting". For example, I'm renting a townhouse with 2 other girls. I pay $365 a month plus 1/3 of the utilities. At the end of the whole ordeal, no single one of us will own any part of that house and that's fine. Now if roommate A were the owner and I was paying 1/3 of the mortgage...yeah, no. :lol:

I think you're paying too much, your name isn't on it. If you were sharing a rented flat or apartment I'd say 50/50 was totally fair.

My beau and I just had to work this out but from a very different direction. In our case, I am the homeowner and I paid off the mortgage years ago. So he was a bit surprised that I was planning on charging him rent when he asked if he could give his landlord notice.

But it came down to if I wasn't in love with him, I'd charge a room-mate rent. Grown ups don't get to live anywhere for free. Also in our case, I am good with money and he is a disaster. If I didn't charge him rent, that money would be spent. Not that I'm wishing us bad luck, but should the time come that I wanted him to move out, he would not have the funds to do it. I want to know we're together because we're in love, not because it's financially necessary.

Let's say renting a comparable house is $2500. If you are paying $1250 or less, then I don't see an issue, regardless of whose name the deed is in.

If the real issue is that you aren't creating equity and he is, then the solution is to buy your own place. If you aren't in a position to do that, then accept the situation as it is or take control of your own financial destiny.

+2 for Mozzy.

On Craigslist there's all sorts of ads where people are trying to rent out a room in their house. Use that to figure out a fair price in your area. Pay fair market value. no more. Like others have said, why should you pay more than a stranger especially since your sleeping with him.

Are you paying half the taxes as well?