My undereating friend..
 

My friends been dying to lose weight since forever, and she has just recently tried again. the only problem is shes undereating. by alot. i hang out with her sometimes and notice she snacks on things with very little calories alot and she will have meals but they're tiny. ive calculated her daily caloric intake a few times to prove this to her and its been ~1000 calories AT MOST. she's 140lbs and is 5'4.

everytime i tell her thats way too little she doesnt see it, and it doesnt help that shes actually losing weight so she thinks what shes doing is fine. she started exercising too which kind of makes matters worse because how does one eat 1000 cals max WHILE they're active?

Has anyone been put in this situation? what to do?

At 1000 cals daily intake whe's probably sabotaging her metabolism but she's probably not putting herself in physical danger.

It's not really your place to butt into her dietary decisions. I know that sounds harsh, and I know you only have her best interests at heart, but it's her life, her body, and her diet and she doesn't appear to be doing anything dangerous, at least not that I can see based on your original post.

Maybe she is eating more, but just not in your company.


It probably looks to most people like I never eat...or eat very small things. In reality, I just don't want to waste calories on the crap most people eat, bring to work or serve at parties/restaurants. So I nibble, or just wait until I get home.

1200 is not magic number. You can lose weight on less than that without messing up your metabolism, and if she's happy and losing weight, then what she is doing is working for her. It's not your place to tell her what she should do, any more than anyone should tell you what's right for you.

Plus unless you are together 24/7, you don't really know what or how much she eats when you aren't around.

Kind of agree that though your intentions are good & you want to help your friend, her choices re eating are up to her. Might be better for the friendship if you kind of backed off that topic.

I agree with the other posters. it is all up to her.

I agree it's her thing. Would you be as concerned if you calculated a friend's calories are they were grossly overrating? If so would you confront them? I'm guessing not. Eating is a personal thing. This is even a touchy subject with spouses or a parent/child relationship. As a friend I'd back off. People are much quicker to judge those who they believe are under eating, at least in my personal experience. There have been times I've been at a very low calorie level and any comments from others were unwelcome and irritating. No one said a word when I was gorging myself and gaining weight.

You intentions sound admirable but I'd keep it to yourself.

We are together 24/7 lol we're 20 year old best friends who spend days together at times. Also, 1000 cals is her max, somedays its 800 which is ridiculous to me, especially if she's exercising and wearing herself out. And honestly Im concerned for her health, im scared she'll crash some day.

I remember, many moons ago, when drs would put their patients on 800 to 1000 calorie diets, and a prescription for some kind of diet pill for appetite control. It's true, 1200 is not the magic number. Everyone is different. Be glad for her that her diet plan is working for her.

You are young. She will learn. What might happen is that she'll be able to do that for awhile and then will have to up the calories a bit, but she might be able to keep those pounds off.

Or, she might lose some weight and then end up binging it back on.

Or..., Or... Or...

For right now, it seems that she is OK. So, leave her alone. Everyone learns what works and what doesn't work. While I agree it's not the way I would go about it. I did something similarly when I was 20.

Not all bad choices are weird choices are anorexia.

I can really understand BOTH sides..your concerns which very well may be valid, and i so appreciate all the input of others on the forum who said while your intentions are certainly good, it would be best for now to butt out.

One side of (the opinionated) me would agree with you but being a newly thin person and having posted myself on the forum about how to deal with weight loss comments from others and how damaging, not to mentioning irritating they can be, i would weigh in for now on letting it go and not lecturing especially if she's at all resistant to it

Good luck !

I'm surprised everybody's been so opposed to you so far. Even before I read you were together 24/7 I agreed with you. If anyone I cared about was being really unhealthy I would try and talk to them, and I'd hope if I were doing the same thing someone would tell me.

As someone who has tried to lose weight their entire lives I've done A LOT of research on the subject. 1200 calories is by far the lowest anyone should ever go as a long term life change. Even that is really too low to be sustainable for the rest of your life, especially when you are exercising.

You've been really successful in your weight loss so I'd think your friend would look up to you in this situation and listen to your opinion. I know if someone told me I was eating or doing anything unhealthy, when they told me I'd probably be angry with them but it would get me to think. So even if your friend doesn't seem to take your advice she's thinking about it and it probably will make her double think her choices especially since it's coming from someone she loves and you've been successful.

Good luck, I know it's not the easiest situation.

As your friend I might be upset at you for counting my calories, I am sure your intentions are good but I might not appreciate unsolicited advice. My friend always tells me I don't eat enough, but I think it is mainly because I won't go out to eat 3 times a day with him when he spends the weekends at my house. I am not sure how I would react to his advice though if he was actually in your situation having lost weight yourself. U look great by the way!!! I guess u have to let her live and learn, if she truly is under eating and over exerting she wil learn the hard way. Who knows if she realizes her approach is not really the right one she may be asking you for help soon.

I agree with the prior persons who posted that you should back off a bit from your friend.

Honestly, I hate to say this but you might have to take a "wait and see"stance here she isn't severely overweight so it might be only temporary. This is a classic you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Just be calm and supportive. If she does crag be there for her. Confronting and pushing this could ruin your friendship and alienate her, making her less likely to trust and confide in you. Introduce her to this website give her the chance to learn it on her own. Good luck I know it's hard when you feel someone you love is hurting themselves.

I disagree with others here... you are very right to be concerned, as what she is doing IS very dangerous to her health. Not sure how you can convince her of this but you are right to try... it IS your business.

And sometimes people listen. It was a special friend who very lovingly encouraged me to do something about my weigh which really got me started getting serious about doing something about it. Not the people harping or criticizing.. who were plenty.. but someone who genuinely cared and kept at me gently and encouragingly even when I didn't really want to hear it.

You are a good friend to her.

I think she is blessed to have a friend that cares about her like you do. Weight/food can be a touchy subject though, so I'd tread lightly. :)

Every body works diff. There are days if I manage to keep down 1000 calories I'm happy as a lark but I have a couple medical conditions right now that I need surgery for, If I eat a certain amount of food I become violently ill. last night I managed a bit over 1100 and was up til 5 am puking so for me I'd rather manage to get 900 calories to stay down on a sick day then risk 1200 and end up puking it up anyways. Would I be that low if I wasn't so sick? no. But I'm also 5'7 decently muscular and 207lbs lol. So every body is different. If she goes from 1000 to 800 too 600 too 400 too 200 then you see a pattern that might indicate something worse than a very low calorie diet plan.

Well, I really disagree you know how much she is actually eating. I am with myself 24/7 and I still have to use a food scale or I'm off 200-300 calories either way from eyeballing it. And at 140lbs, that's a big difference in calories.

I understand you are concerned, but like ALL of us here, we really did have to learn our journeys our own way, rather than be criticized by others (*remember, she WILL take this concern as criticism- she's already shown you she isn't open to it).

I also did the 800-1000 calorie thing at your age. With age also comes wisdom. I'm losing at 2000 calories now at 30, it doesn't necessarily mean she's setting herself up for failure.

Since she is already not very large it may be a different situation. However, I can't help but think about my friends and patients who have undergone gastric bypass. How many calories were THEY keeping down those first few months? She may lose the weight and she will, likely, gain some of it back but unless she gets unhealthy skinny it probably isnt worth interfering.

I think she'll figure it out. Gotta try a bunch of different things before finding one that works. I thought I had it ALLLLLLL figured out 2 years ago eating almost nothing but vegetables and only doing cardio, but turns out I didn't...

I understand where you are coming from, OP. My cousin who is 16 years old hardly ever eats. She is 6'0" and weighs about 110-120 lbs. I believe she is healthy, but everyone in the family is always commenting on how she should eat more and how she never eats. I know everyone wants her to be healthy, but it's pretty obvious everyone's comments have done nothing other than to irritate her.

My point is, she's not going to suddenly see it your way (probably). If what she is doing is unsustainable, she will eventually realize this, either by common sense or gaining weight back. Those of us on weight loss journeys have to figure things out for ourselves. It's the same as those people who post asking what to do about an obese loved one. There's really nothing you can do other than be a good example. It doesn't sound like she is killing herself, so I would wait this one out.

I wish that there would be some acceptance that some people just really do need less than 1000 calories. My entire life, my body was telling me that and I didn't listen because of what the experts said. Finally I did listen and went on a medically supervised 500-700 calorie per day high protein / multi nutrient diet. I lost all the weight and had not a single solitary bad thing happen. I know because I was medically monitored. I saw a doctor or a nurse every week.

In fact, now I am really stunned at how sick I was before.. almost constantly because I was eating too much FOR ME!

And since the diet plan has hundreds of people doing the exact same thing.. (with some differences) I am thinking it is safe.

I say if you're truly, truly concerned, then mention it to her. Don't stage an intervention or anything. Don't tell her you're counting her calories. Don't let it become an argument. Just say, "Hey, are you sure you're eating enough? I'm worried that maybe you aren't and don't want you to end up getting sick." If she says "I'm doing ok" then drop it. But you might make her think a little.

Just know going in that you could hurt your friendship if she sees what you're saying as harsh criticism.

My roommate kind of does this. She's very active but insists that she "just doesn't eat much". And yet I catch her counting everything from the milk in her cereal to the condiments on a sandwich. She comes up under 1200 almost every day but isn't losing weight. I think her body is just worn out and in need of vitamins - she won't touch fruits or veggies which has to be making it harder.

I don't say anything. She's approaching 30 years old, it's not my place. I've told her a few times to try eating more but I won't press the issue. I do care but I'm also just a roommate/friend and she's still an adult.

Meh. Not your problem!

If she becomes ill I would worry, until then you've got bigger fish to fry!

And maybe she is eating more than she says or than you think.