Advice, please!
 

I realize this sounds a little funny or trivial, but I'd genuinely like some opinions, so bear with me!

Since my husband has been moved and living in Canada a few years ago, every time he goes back to Japan, it's become a running joke of sorts that he never tells anyone, friends or family, that he's going to be there. Gets a kick out of surprising everyone, I guess.

Now, we're planning on travelling to Japan for the winter holiday in about a month from now, and I'm not sure whether or not I should tell his mom that we're coming!! We're in frequent contact, are always talking about how we hope that I can visit her there, and she's asked me specifically if we have plans to visit yet.

I'm not sure what to do! I asked my husband specifically if I could tell of our plans, and he of course doesn't want me to. And I want to respect his wishes... but I love my mother-in-law to death and I don't want to lie to her either! Plus I'm an absolutely horrid liar anyway. Also, the same thing goes for his sister, whom I also keep in contact with, don't know if I should tell her, too...

It's just a fun joke for him, to surprise everyone when we get there, and I realize there's no harm in it! I used to do the same thing when I visited home from college on the weekends. It's just that I don't know if I should continue the joke, out of respect for my in-laws, you know? Not to mention, I'm SUPER SUPER excited about seeing everyone and want to share the good news, personally!

What do you all think? Really would love to hear thoughts! (:

I've been in a similar situation. My sister had a bf who spent significant time in jail, like over a year. She didn't want our mom to know about it. But I talked to both of them frequently. I told my sister that I wouldn't tell mom that he's in jail, unless she specifically asked that question and then I was not going to lie to our mom. So sometimes mom would say "I wonder if H is still with M? Haven't heard from M in awhile" and I'd say "yeah they're still together". Or she'd say "I wonder why M never picks up the phone these days" and I'd say "Hmm I don't know." But she never asked directly "Is M living elsewhere? Or is M in jail?" Etc....

I would have to tell I think, just in case they were planning on visiting you as a surprise. That actually happened to me. We went to in-laws for Thanksgiving (a six hour drive one way) to "surprise" them, we got to their house, nobody home. Meanwhile they were at our house with no one home. It was a reeeeaaaallllllyyyyyy long wait until they got back home. There was a combo of 4 adults and 5 kids under 7 locked outside of a house in the middle of nowhere. Not fun, lol.

Seems like they would've told you where a spare key was so y'all could go inside, lol.

It seems like it would be better to know, just with the logistics of things. I know that when someone is coming to visit me, I try to arrange my work schedule so I am off as much as possible. If I don't know someone is coming, I might have lots of work, meetings, education classes, appointments outside of work,plans otherwise, etc. Just my opinion. I would def tell them, but I would tell your DH first.

I think they should be told just in case they had plans not to be home, they would be disappointed if you come and they don't get to see you. My brother and I did do this for our Mothers birthday but I enlisted the aid of my aunt, told her we were coming and to be sure she was going ro be home.

It really depends on what his family thinks of being surprised. If they love it, why ruin everyone's fun? You don't have to lie about it, you can even leave little hints to test the waters (maybe they don't love it as much as their son thinks they do, or maybe they think it's the best gift in the world).

You could say (when she asks about visiting), that you're trying to plan a visit soon (but be vague about time frame) and joke something like "one of these days maybe we'll just suprise you and show up on your doorstep."

My husband's side of the family are not comfortable with surprise houseguests. I've been trying to persuade my husband for years to surprise my family for one of the holidays (and we only live 5 hours away).

Hubby was already dead-set against the idea, so I usually let him talk me out of it. We usually spend "even" year Christmas holidays in Illinois (visiting my family) and "odd" years with hubby's family. Last year, both hubby's (divorced) parents chose to celebrate early, so we decided at the last minute to visit my family. I wanted to make it a secret, but hubby was adament that if we didn't call them first, we would be staying in a hotel. So instead, I called my sister and let her, and only her in on the secret (we would be staying at her house).

When we told hubby's family that were making a "surprise" visit to my parents, they were horrified, and asked if we were sure that they wouldn't mind. I told them I was sure, and that it would be fine.

So we drove down on December 23, and stopped at my sister's first, and unloaded the gear, then we drove over to Mom's house and walked in the door (family never knocks in my family unless the door is locked).

So we all walked in and Mom greeted my sister Ann and looked at hubby and then looked away (it didn't immediately register). So she does this double take, and then gets so excited she starts crying.

It was so much fun that hubby actually said he'd be willing to surprise my family again. Although my sister said she'd rather not be in on the surprise again, and assured us she would be willing to have us stay if we suprised her too.

She said "keeping the secret" was just too hard, and that she even slipped when my other sister Mary said she was going to mail something to us, and Ann said, "well just wait until they're here," and when Mary said "they're not coming down this year," Ann said, "Oh yeah, I forgot."

She said she thought she had ruined the surprise because she also is a terrible liar (in fact, her lie face is a running family joke).

Mary said she did suspect, but wasn't sure (so apparently her lie face has improved over the last 20 years).


Keeping secrets can be uncomfortable, so I'd suggest an open secret. Joking, "some day we'll surprise you and just show up," isn't a lie. But you don't have to say when that surprise will happen. You can say something vague like "we think we'll be able to arrange a visit sometime in the next two years" (or six months, or whatever your usual "time frame" is).

That way, you're not lying, but hubby still gets to surprise his family.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied!!

I feel like the general consensus is that I shouldn't outright lie but shouldn't reveal all either, so that's probably what I'll do. Really, thanks again, it was so helpful!!

I guess I'm the odd woman out but I think this is a little strange. First, he is robbing his family of the anticipation of his trip. DD and I talk and text all the time, coming up with what she wants to do, special foods, countdown to her arrival, etc.

Second, the holiday time tends to be very busy. There are so many things that come up--this cookie-making gathering, that holiday card class, this semi-obligated work party. Things that his family may say yes or no to depending on if they knew he was coming. Maybe it's cultural, but I'd want to know so I could clear my schedule as much as possible.

If she's asked you specifically, then she really wants to know. I'm sure that he does it in fun. I'd also guess its not quite as fun for his family as it could be if they could plan for the best visit possible.

Are you recently married? Because TWO surprise guests is a lot! As mentioned, your in-laws may want to clear their calendars, buy special foods, or tickets, etc. That's a long, expensive flight & what if you land on the day someone is having a root canal?

Not at all, I thought its a bit strange as well!
You guys are all right. I'm very very politeness-conscious, to a fault, in the first place, so like y'all have said, I'm not comfortable surprising everyone when they ought to have time to make their schedules and such.
I just also didn't want to go behind my husbands back...
Anyway I've told we're headed there, so if he gets upset about it, so be it! Not that I'm expecting him to be mad, that's not at all his personality. **** just be disappointed I ruined his fun lol.

I think it's good that you told them you were coming. I am a planner and have a busy life. I personally dislike local friends just "popping by", so (even if I loved the people to death) I would be super upset if guests came for a long visit without notice.