Oogh men, well one man, how to handle this.
 

So I have a lovely lovely fiancé. We love each other very much. Just throw that out there before I continue that by no means am I unhappy, im just a wee bit frustrated.

So my fiancé can sometimes be a downer. He takes a situation and makes it seem very diar and woe is me, type of situation. I always try to tell him it's ok and things will work and to think positive but it doesn't stick with him. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, I tend to do that. But sometimes it's like c'mon just don't worry and keep on keepin on.

Let me give some examples one time my side mirror fell off my car(I have an old car :/ ) anyways he said something like "man baby we can't ever catch a break" and I said something like "it's no big deal babe I'll fix it" which it wasn't and I did fix it

He worries very very much about things, money ect when everything always works out and the cycle repeats it self.

Last night he drove home (5 hours away, we're long distance atm) and it was late and I told him to get a 5 hour energy or some type of caffine, and he was half attempting to be macho and say he didnt need it but 30 minutes later he's texting saying he's so tired and he may have to stop, and it's soo frusterating because to me it's like 'okay why didn't you stop and do what I suggested, but nooooo you insist on making a stressful situation for yourself and me'

I don't under stand is this normal? Lol I was with my ex husband for 5 years and he was a close hearted closed mouth man who led you onto no emotions he may have soooooooo this is different.

But when he isn't being this way it's amazing and I love spending time with him, how do I approach this? I know you can't change a person but I don't want to change him I just want him to view life more positively, and not let things get to him so easily.

Howwwww do I do this? Help? Am I wrong?

It's funny how people have very different ways of looking at the world. In my experience, people who tend to have a more "bleak" outlook on certain situations were taught that behavior somewhere along the road. My best friend is very much like that- every little thing turns into a catastrophe and obstacles are constantly being put where they don't belong. Are his folks the same way? Have you noticed a pattern of negativity throughout his family dynamic?

I would say that confronting him about his behavior might be a good starting-off point. Like I said, he may have grown up in an environment that is a little more negative in nature than you are accustomed to. Not to say that he did not develop those behaviors on his own- that is quite possible as well. If you open up without being critical, and let him know how that behavior affects the relationship, he might be willing to work on it.

Another thing is that men are just stubborn. If I had told my fiance to take a 5 hr energy before he left, he would have done the same thing. They never learn. What can I say... :)

Bottom line is that you cannot change a person, they have to want to change. If you gently confront him about the behavior and he realizes that he does want to change, then he may. If not, you should evaluate how much his negativity really does affect you, and consider if it is enough of a deterrent to make you reconsider the relationship.

Best of luck!! :)

I haven't spent tons of time with his family they live in Ohio we live in Florida. But here's what I picked up, my fiancés mom is the peace keeper when zack gets that way around her she's like"ok honey its fine it's fine" she's very sweet, but from what he says was very much about her life when he was growing up.

His sister is so selfless such a sweet amazing girl, I can't find anything negative about her but I've probably spent the less time around her

His dad well seems like a tough man more so along the lines of not a complainer.

But from what I picked up from my fiancé is that his parents before being divorced and after stopped focusing on him and his brother and sister, after their divorce his brother had a child at 16 and my fiancé got really bad with drugs he has sense cleaned up and has been in the military for 8 years and hasn't touched them since before he joined. His sister was little when they split so I think it effected her the least she's set to be a missionary to the chech republic later this year.

I try to call him out when he does these things, but maybe I need to confront him when he isn't doing these things so it has more of an effect and sinks in

Some people just worry a lot and tend to look on the negative side of things. They are not bad people that is just the way they are wired. In most cases it is a waste of energy to try and change them. Accept them for what you love about them and don't get upset when the are worrying needlessly.

I'm a fairly sensitive person I try to not be and I try to be aware when I am being overly sensitive. So when I tell my natural empathetic instincts to ignore a situation I feel like an awful person, but I can't react fakely either, and pretend like I care, I'm just a genuine person. So what do I do? Do I just ignore him when he's being negative do I react sarcastically and over react to make him see he's bein silly, or do I attempt to act concerned which can be tiring when it's happening everyday.

Maybe there's something wrong with me :/

My husband and I are polar opposites. He's an eternal optimist who doesn't believe anything can go wrong. I'm a realist (my opinion) or a pessimist (his opinion) depending on which of us you ask- I believe things can and do go wrong and I plan for it. I'm always thrilled when nothing goes wrong, and I practice an attitude of gratitude, but always prepare for the worst. My husband thinks I "borrow trouble" and I think he's hopelessly naive. (I mean that in the most loving way possible, of course). It just goes to show that two people who love each other can be very different. I think that way of thinking is deeply ingrained in us, and not something you're going to change about him. Better to just accept that he's a "Sky is falling!" type and love him anyway.

Sounds like it is just the way he is and only he can change that. Maybe you can bring it up, give him examples and see if he is interested in changing that part of himself? A great book I recommend is called "The secret" and it has to do with how you get what you expect out of life (good or bad) and what part your attitude and thinking plays in this. Great read!!

Try to stay positive and maybe it'll rub off on him once you two are actually living together. Then again I don't know how long you've been putting up with it. I would just try to ignore it when you absolutely know it'll be fine (like with the mirror) and just keep telling him it'll be okay. Like I said, he might get better once you two are in the same house, because then he'll learn.

Nothing you can do will change him. He can change himself but it's highly unlikely. Reading books on positive thinking can help but only if he is willing and ready to change.

I'd suggest you simply decide if you can live with it, or not.

Good advice.

My partner was the same. Anything happened, often trivial and it she moved into full scale disaster mode. We worked on this for a while, examining her response to incidents until she could see herself and her reactions. Now all I have to say is .... "You are off on one again" and it pulls her up short.

The beauty is that more often than not she actually sees it and stops it before it gets off the ground, now, and not too long ago she came home from work all puffed up with pride and told me that she seems to have reached a calm place in her life and, after what sounded like an horrifically stressful day, she was stress free and positive.

It is not that you don't stress out or feel negative, it is how you cope with those reactions and re-employ that energy. He just need to learn coping skills.

I wish I knew how to help him cope with things, maybe he and I can both learn to handle the situations that come up. We both had pretty horrific exes and walked out of them and found each other a year or so later and I think we are still helping each other heal and learn, and maybe he still has a lot of healing to do, idk

I am lucky in that I trained as a therapist and, whilst my partner is often too close to me for me to use my training, I can at times distance myself when it is easy to spot markers. Having said that ... my last partner was an abuser and I suffered in the wake of his death with the legacy of horror he willed to me. Until a couple of years ago if anything went wrong I was in suicide mode - a totally disproportionate and inappropriate reaction to things like having to bring in the wheelie bin when the kids were walking past on the way from school, for instance. (agoraphobic)

I think the thing is to do some gentle therapy together. there is no shame in seeking help to get through some really thorny territory. Oftentimes we simply cannot stand aside from ourselves, and our loved ones, to see how we are dealing with things and how we could change our responses and reactions to make things easier, and to help cope. sometimes it takes more than just time to mend things, it takes adjustments, identifying markers, becoming aware of danger signals.

You both deserve to live happily and peacefully in your new, wonderful relationship and if it takes a little therapy to help that on the way then take that step? I know it can be a little scary but I promise you it is worth it.

What JohnP said. He's a worry wart by nature and somewhat stubborn, you won't be able to change that - that's just who he is. You'll have to decide if it's something you can deal with for life or not but I have to tell you if that's the worst part about him I think you have it pretty good. ;)

I think it is a question of "is the glass half full or half empty"?Two of us can be in exactly the same situation and see things differently. I do think some people are just natural born worriers and pessimistic that is pretty hard to change while it would be desirable it may not be possible. We have to accept people as they are if we can't do that we are in for a lot of wheel spinning truing to get the other person to change.

I think you may be engaged to my husband. lol.

My husband is the exact same way. I like to call him Mr. Melodramatic. Sometimes I'll laugh and tell him that we're going to go broke just like last time this happened and we didn't go broke, or sometimes I'll console him and remind him how we have always been taken care of and others, I just ignore it. So what if he acts like the world is going to end because he's got to by new dress blues or whatever, he'll buy them, come home, go to sleep, wake back up and the world will continue as normal. There are many things in a relationship to spend your time worrying about..., this isn't one of them. As long as his feelings stay feelings and he doesn't start reacting rashly because of his worries, it's no big deal, at least not for you.

Let me start by saying, his pessimism can get better if he chooses to allow it. I know this because it has been my experience. I have been on both sides of the coin. I was once a person prone to anxiety attacks, bouts of nervousness, and severe depression. I was prescribed Cymbalta for depression and anxiety and Xanax to stop the attacks. Nothing really worked for me; I still woke up with the proverbial black cloud over my head.

For me the turn around came after a few changes in my life. First, I began volunteering with an Autistic boy in an attitudinal based play-therapy program. Not to over simplify a very complex program, but the basic gist is this: You join in with the autistic child in a one on one environment and let them lead while you maintain a state of non-judgement. That means, if the kid wants to ignore your existence for 2 hours, scream at the top of their lungs and run in circles, than you do that too and find your love in it. Seems simple but let me tell you, it drags up all sort of knee-jerk crap you have buried inside you. "He doesn't like me." "I'm not fun, that's why he doesn't want to play with me." "I'm a bad person" etc.

It's hard to really describe but basically it is playing while practicing The Option Method. Which brings me to change number two: The Option Method. Option again is a simple/complex program that allows you to take back control of your own emotions by making them yours again. Essentially, happiness is a choice and you have the option to choose it or not. That when we deem something as bad or good we are judging that thing based on our beliefs and by examining our beliefs we come to learn more of ourselves. It also removes us from the role of victim, since no one every MAKES you feel anything. No one MAKES you sad or mad or furious. They may cause a stimulus that triggers your own beliefs but it is your choice to react as you do.

An example would be mean things strangers said to me in the past. I have had people, strangers, make hurtful and hateful remarks about my weight. In the past it "made" me feel incredibly depressed and unworthy as a human being. I came to realize that I held my own beliefs about my value and self worth, or lack-thereof . "I don't deserve to be treated with basic human dignity," was the belief I held and so when someone didn't it reinforced that belief.

Today, I believe that a person who can say such hurtful things to a total stranger is probably a really miserable person, someone who probably has their own self-hatred, has no sense of their Shadow and engages in shadow projection, (Jungian Theory) and hasn't grown much as a person in this life. The same words that were said to me before can be said again but I have a profoundly different emotional reaction. The stimulus has not changed. I have. My beliefs have.

I would suggest that you encourage your fiance to go with you to volunteer somewhere. Perhaps in a food kitchen, a senior home or an animal shelter. Wherever. In my opinion, volunteer service not only helps give you perspective on all the amazing things one has to be grateful for, helping a fellow human being makes you feel good. I always say that volunteering is almost a selfish act because it makes me feel good. :)

I would also suggest the book, Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman. It certainly changed my life. This doesn't mean that I live a perfect life or that I am never sad. I am sad when I choose to be, when I need to grieve a bit or reflect. But it is my choice and I am free to move on from it when I am ready. I am still on my own personal journey and I hope to be on it for the rest of my life but I haven't seen that dark cloud hanging out for a long time. And that alone is enough for me to celebrate. :)

Good luck and good love.

I think its very much possible to change his attitudes aka his personality.

Be blunt next time.. "oh thats not a big deal." No pity tone, no sad, no nothing. Straight up. I think sometimes we can be a little childish and whine for no good reason, sometimes its nice to have someone remind us that it really isnt a big deal.. life will go on.

I feel like hes also looking for a way to get babied by you.. just make sure that wont happen. Unless you want it to?

There's nothing wrong with you. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person) and I have been in a relationship with someone for 7 years who is like your fiance. I cannot live with it, so we are breaking up.

I found my personality started changing to be more like his, because I was constantly surrounded by his negative outlook and "woe is me" and "I am cursed, everything bad happens to me" type personality. My energy was drained, I became a negative, lonely, depressed, irritable person.

Near the end I have tried to really distance myself from his negativity, and when he text attacks me with his latest catastrophe, I ignore it. Yes, I feel like a horrible person, but after a few hours he calms down and has moved on, and I realize, he just wanted to bring me into his drama. He is not offended when I don't participate.

So my advice to you is to step back a little and not participate in the negativity. Don't reassure, don't baby, don't coddle, because once a person with this type of personality knows they can get what they need from you, they begin to look for it 24/7 and it will drain you of everything.

I know you said you were happy with him, so I'm not trying to say anything here, just to make you aware that if you choose to stay with him you need to create some boundaries around this issue RIGHT NOW and stick with them!

Trust me, cause I've done it for 7 years!

Your fiance sounds a lot like I used to be! Luckily for me, my ex-husband had a psychology background and was able to help me overcome some of it.

The most important thing for me was to have it pointed out when things ended up NOT being a big deal. Like, I'd freak out about something, my ex would tell me it would all work out, and then if it did work out it just seemed sort of neutral and I didn't notice it. But when he would say "Remember when I said everything would work out ok? Do you see how we solved the problem? Notice these things we did to get here... and where your emotional reactions helped or hindered the process... and which of your fears were unfounded."

Only by analyzing the situation after it happened did I finally start to believe him most of the time when he said it would be ok.. and eventually, I gained the skill to tell MYSELF it would be ok.

My advice?

That IS how he copes!

Maybe thinking about the worst case scenario is his way of coping. If things go wrong, he was expecting it. If things don't go wrong, then :carrot:.

I don't think if you're going to change him, but you can "model" good, optimistic thoughts. I tend to be optimistic too and I've rubbed off on my boyfriend who is a very glass half-empty kind of guy.

The thing is, if he is depressed about other things in life, it's going to hit him harder whenever anything small happens to him too. If he's saying "we can't ever catch a break", it means that he's feeling depressed about X, Y, and Z that happened earlier.

As for the driving in the night, that's up to him too. You can give him advice, but he's an adult. And you should tell him that his decision to drive when he was tired affects you too because you worry about him. But also don't chastise him, as he is an adult and he should be able to learn from his decisions -- i.e. maybe next time, he'll just sleep it off on the side of the road or get a hotel or not drive at all.

But I'm not sure you can change him, especially if he's coming out of a negative relationship too. You can just encourage him and let him cope as he sees fit. If it doesn't get better and this begins to affect his life, you may want to help him see a counselor to see if he is clinically depressed and really needs help in that way. But if it's just part of his personality, I'm not sure you can really change him.