I don't know if any of you remember but I have a friend of 19 years that's a very bad alcoholic that I've been on and off debating walking away from. Well, the last few weeks I have been distancing myself, she leaves me feeling drained even after a phone conversation. She gets very loud/yells and talks nonsense...sometimes even starting ridiculous debates in which I have no interest. I have better ways to spend my time at night. I have grown up and moved on from the party life, she's still stuck at 19 and reality is we're almost 40. Her drinking has gotten worse over the years along with her temper and defensiveness.
She's lost other friends, is estranged from her adult daughter (who's now sadly following in her foot steps) and gets involved with very bad men. I just can't watch this anymore...it's very irritating and I have been putting up with it for a looooong time. There's A LOT of relationship drama that she drags me into also.
Several years ago I dealt with a VERY abusive (alcoholic) marriage/divorce, loss of my Mom to cancer and developed PTSD from a combo of the two since it all happened in the same month. The anxiety/panic attacks were unbearable. I wouldn't wish PTSD on my worst enemy.
I busted my @ss to get my life back together, seeked a psychiatrist and got on medication. I didn't want to because of the stigma but I had no other choice. I'm now doing very well and have a great relationship with my BF of over 4 years. Life, for the most part is very stable now for the first time ever. I can really say I am content and want it to stay that way. I don't want any negativity around me anymore. BTDT.
She text me the other night asking why I haven't called (she hasn't called me either) and I was honest with her. I was very nice and non-judgemental and told her (long story short) I will be here when she's ready to get help. I expected some defensiveness since I've tried several times in the past to get her to seek AA but this time she exploded. She attack me for being on medication saying I have no room to talk about how someone else deals with life when I am "numbing" myself and need mood stabilizers. I need to "deal" with life without "drugs" and then I can preach. She went on and on long after I stopped texting and it kept getting worse. I was floored.
Now....this seriously rubbed me in the wrong way. I don't numb myself, I seeked responsible help under the care of a doctor. I still feel pain from the loss of my Mother. I was beyond hurt by her accusation because it came off implying I take the meds in an abusive manner (numbing myself) like she uses alcohol which couldn't be further from the truth. The meds don't do that or give me any sense of euphoria like she thinks they do. It stops the anxiety and that's it. I'm not altered in any way. She minimized what I went through and this infuriated me.
I know how addicts are in denial and get defensive but I cut her off. I don't need this. I can't enable any longer and won't tolerate verbal abuse. She clearly doesn't want help and that's fine, I don't want toxic people in my life. Some think I am a b*tch for this but they aren't the ones that have been listening to her drunken tirades for almost 20 years. There's nobody in her family to call, they're all addicts too.
I think she resents me for getting my act together and finding a good man. No more misery loves company when before we were both always going through drama together. She's tried to talk me out of being with him because he's "not edgy enough" for me. WTF? I'm D.O.N.E. with bad boys.
I'm actually relieved to not have to deal with her anymore so why do I feel guilty? ....Sorry for the novel
I have had to cut family members out due to drug and/or alcohol abuse. It never goes over well when they've confronted me about my distance. Many times addicts are quick to throw ANYTHING in your face to justify their own behavior. It has nothing to do with you, but it's almost impossible not to take it personally. Something similar happened to me when I broke off communication with a family member due to alcohol abuse, they threw in my face that I had taken anti-anxiety meds after I had my son due to post-pardum anxiety. Yes, it made me feel angry, misunderstood, and just plain p!ssed off that she could compare the two. . . but it wasn't about me, it was about her justifying her behavior to herself; there's no arguing with an addict, they aren't logical.
I think the guilty feeling is totally normal. I know I've gone through periods of guilt as well. But the thing to remember is, you can't help her, there is nothing you can do. You have to protect yourself from toxic people, and those with addictions are, typically, toxic.
I've been through HUGE DRAMA like this before. I guess cause we have known them for a long time maybe we feel loyal (in a weird way) or bad that we have changed & they have not. You need to set boundries & maybe severe ties for good . After a while you will feel less & less for this person. I wish you the best & remember be honest when they are sober (if you can find a time) YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF !
Last edited by 1spunkygal; 09-26-2012 at 01:23 PM.
I have had to cut family members out due to drug and/or alcohol abuse. It never goes over well when they've confronted me about my distance. Many times addicts are quick to throw ANYTHING in your face to justify their own behavior. It has nothing to do with you, but it's almost impossible not to take it personally. Something similar happened to me when I broke off communication with a family member due to alcohol abuse, they threw in my face that I had taken anti-anxiety meds after I had my son due to post-pardum anxiety. Yes, it made me feel angry, misunderstood, and just plain p!ssed off that she could compare the two. . . but it wasn't about me, it was about her justifying her behavior to herself; there's no arguing with an addict, they aren't logical.
I think the guilty feeling is totally normal. I know I've gone through periods of guilt as well. But the thing to remember is, you can't help her, there is nothing you can do. You have to protect yourself from toxic people, and those with addictions are, typically, toxic.
We think alot alike I could have written this myself
As painful as it is, I think you made the right decision, and I think her reaction confirms that.
I am going through something similar although in my case it's a friend who suffers from chronic depression and won't seek treatment. She's turned to self-destructive behavior, only contacts me when she needs something, and complains about everything. It's draining, and it's completely one sided. I am slowly distancing myself. I don't want to hurt her so I don't tell her I'm doing it, I just have stopped contacting her very often.
its called tough love! only thing about that is its only tough on you in the beginning! i am married to an alcoholic (sober now 7 months) it seems any excuse is better than no excuse for them to drink so they will always try to find or make those around them seem worse than they are! you can only change you not her, she has to do that if she sobers up long enough to see all shes lost! you made the right choice n you did tell her youd be there for her when she cleans up, how many can say that in the end?!
btw... im on prozac for severe clinical depression so i understand where u come from there too! there r those that think its the same as drinking to deal... its soooo not the same!
So sorry! Smtimes people become cancerous to YOUR health, and they have to go.
On another note, a lot of people see medicine for depression, anxiety, etc as unnecessary and a weakness. Needing these medications myself, it drives me batty. I've had very close friends make comments like, "ha! I wish I were on uppers!" and stupid stuff like that. Some people view those drugs as happy pills, and have no idea of they really work.
another note, a lot of people see medicine for depression, anxiety, etc as unnecessary and a weakness. Needing these medications myself, it drives me batty. I've had very close friends make comments like, "ha! I wish I were on uppers!" and stupid stuff like that. Some people view those drugs as happy pills, and have no idea of they really work.
I loathe the stigma too. It's because they're over-prescribed and a lot of times taking higher doses than prescribed which makes the people that really need them look weak, or like crack heads. Few rotten apples...
And, this is why I'm not ever going to drink alcohol. Ever.
My mother's father was pretty into it too. When she was younger, he was a pretty horrible drunk. He's been to jail for it, but he continues to do it. About a year ago he tried to stay with us, but my mom forced him into help.
But, even though my grandpa has been to jail, twice, he'll still keep drinking. Maybe he'll stop for a while, but he'll pick it back up. Even if she got help, she could end up drinking again.
It's horrible, and I'd be hesitant to just give her up, but after what you've been through, I understand wanting to just be be done with her. I hate negativity too.
Cutting someone off - even if you know it's what you need to do, still hurts. I had to do it before with family - and I was only able to do it and keep my head on straight because I was seeing a psychiatrist and at the time was on an antidepressant. I just had to let the toxic person out of my life so I could live mine. I couldn't worry about the other person destroying their life any more. I had to repeat to myself over and over that it was not my responsibility to save this person. They had to save themselves and I would be there when they were ready. They were never ready and probably never will be ready, but at least I was able to close that door and was able to move on with my life. you will too.
Want to get something off my chest (long)
