I just wanted to say I admire you for venturing out to another country on your own. I hope it's an awsome experience. Also, your BF sounds very considerate not wanting you to be lonely and giving the guy another chance. However, is there any way you could ask a 3rd person to accompany you ? Someone you work with ? Someone he works with ? Or try going somewhere that doesn't allow any intimate moments for the time being until he has proven he's over you if possible. (just throwing out some ideas - I've not had to deal with this for a long time)

Good Luck.

Unfortunately the situation wouldn't really be the same if there were a 3rd person...I'm thinking that IF we hang out again, I'm going to make a point of using public transport to get there. That way I know that I can get back without his help. I think it was even more stressful last time because I felt trapped since I'd ridden with him...I feel like it would be a weight off my mind knowing that I could leave freely.

You have your priorities in order, i.e. being faithful instead of just having company. Sounds like your boyfriend is bending over backwards to be understanding and supportive of you - IMO not hanging out with the friend for now is a good call.

If you're feeling the inaka isolation burn, you should PM me or kahokkuri and we'll hook you up with a (trollish but active) online forum for ALTs, they have a lot of awesome meetups etc and the people are fun.

Yeah, Kahokkuri linked me to it in the July Chat thread over in 20-somethings, but someone said that it might be bad for my sanity :p I was already having issues with my schools at that point (luckily my main Kyoto-sensei is awesome and I think he's sorted it out for me now), but I might have to go re-find the link and check it out if you think it might be helpful. Unfortunately my company just kinda dumped me in Gunma in what really should have been a driving position and said "Welp, you had a week of training for something people usually go to school for years to do...go to it."

I found a facebook group for other ALTs in the area, but it's about 95% JET and they like sticking to the GAJET organized events, which I don't think I'm allowed to attend.

I didn't have a lot if relationships but I can say one thing for sure...

This friend of yours did not respect your boundaries and if you don't want to talk to him right now, then you have every right not to... Plus I think the wisest thing to do now is to let things cool off between you.

Now if you don't mind me asking...what do you do in Japan? Are you working in a place with other foreigners? I had a friend who taught English in Japan and he told me that the school he used to work at had a few co-workers from his Britain and they went out together. So dunno... maybe there are more people in your environment.

Also if you do feel lonely we could talk if you want to... we can sort the time difference and have a chat. I know it's difficult when you're alone. I had to live in a foreign country for a year and in the first 2 months I was practically speaking to myself. ^.^0

Personally, he sees you as more than friend material, so it will be hard to get back to "platonic" stuff, although I do believe that it can be done. But you will have to be the one to keep the boundaries strong and tight, because he doesn't have a personal interest to keep them.

Then, you should go home and watch "Lost in Translation."

Totally agree with all the comments about this guy not respecting your boundaries. Not cool at all. I think you are going to have to ditch him--which I know is difficult because you're so lonely.

If you wanted to give him another chance, I'd have a very direct talk with him first. It might be a good idea to, rather than reminding him you have a boyfriend, tell him that you're not attracted to him and don't want anything more than a friendship. The boyfriend line makes it seem as though you might be on the fence about him (not to me--to him, apparently). Tell him you're not into him in a sexual way and see if that helps. If it doesn't, well...

(Actually, he sounds a bit creepy. I feel your discomfort after you rejected him and you still needed him to drive you home. If he's making you feel unsafe, that's a sign that even a friendship might not be a great idea...)

Good advice. My 2 cents this guy does not want to be your friend he wants a relationship with no boundaries , apparently. His comment that "he's not here, I am" is a very selfish remark.

PFFFFF private ALTs are always welcome at JET events unless the JETs are all jerks (which is sadly often the case). My best friends from Fukuoka were non-JETs who I met randomly or through JET events.

The forum is TROLLTASTIC but a great venting outlet. One of the mods has a serious chip on his shoulder about hating overweight people and is a total arsehole about it but if you ignore him (and I know for a fact he is actually really ugly and so is his fiancee, so ha) it should be fine, also pretend to be male or gender-neuter for sanity's sake :P

I'm totally on board with you ditching the friend out of respect for your relationship with your bf. IF you are quite positive that he is in the same place emotionally as you are. Is he as committed? If you aren't sure, don't have a plan for marriage or anything serious or a plan to live in the same place eventually then I wouldn't be in such a rush to break things off with your only possibility for a relationship in your current local. Doesn't sound like opportunities come along there every day. Ask yourself a few questions before you make your decision?

1. Is bf as committed to this relationship as you are?
2. What are the relationship plans in the near future? A year from now? 5 years from now?
3. Was bf quiet when you told him about the situation because he too has someone else in the picture? Or because he's jealous enough to call it quits? Or because you don't mean enough to him for it to matter much what you do? Or maybe he's just understanding and thought it no big deal because he trusts you explicitly.
4. Do you want to keep the relationship monogomous? Even to the exclusion of a good friend? Is the relationship serious enough and do you think it will last the test of time and move to the next level?

I would drop the friend like a bad habit if the relationship u are in is worth it. But if you don't have a commitment you should be able to see other people. I wouldn't dump the only person you're close to if you think your guy dates other girls on the side or its just a casual relationship for him. If you don't see yourself marrying him and him marrying you, date other people until you can live in the same city. I live 2+ hours from my fiance but I wouldn't have dated him exclusively from the beginning if I didn't know where it was headed. Since I knew we were on the same page we have been in a monogomous relationship and we're now engaged.

Good luck and follow your heart!

Yes this! He is being a jerk and not respecting your wishes. If you choose to continue hanging around with him, than perhaps you need to rethink your relationship with your amazing guy, cause I am sure he worries that someone else might try to sweep you off your feet while he's away.

Considering the fact that my boyfriend is actively trying to get to a country completely on the opposite side of the world from everything else that he holds dear when he can't speak a word of Japanese indicates that, yes, he's as committed to this as I am. We haven't talked far into the future because the military pretty much owns him for the next 4 years, but we fully intend to stay together and re-evaluate as needed when it's time for him to consider re-contracting. I have no reason to think that he's dating other girls on the side and while I gave him the option when I moved to another country, he said that he didn't want it. I don't want it. All I want is a friend here and my boyfriend back at home. From the looks of it I'm probably going to have to go out searching again to find another friend. Like I said, I'll talk to my guy again about it and give him the final say, but I didn't want to press it too hard before tonight because he had his hands full with a more important project.

My suggestion find girlfriends to pal around with and avoid problems with other men who do not want to respect your commitment to your BF.

Yeah, female companions would be preferable, but unfortunately it took 4 months to find a PERSON willing to hang out, so I wasn't exactly picky as to their gender. Lesson learned...

Thanks for all of the input, guys. I think I've come to the conclusion that, while I might EVENTUALLY decide that a second chance for the friend is a good idea, at the moment I'm too uncomfortable with the situation to even enjoy having companionship anyway. I'm going to take the wuss way out and just avoid contact for a few weeks and hope that he either forgets about me (unfortunately, as I just threw my phone at the wall to avoid one of his calls, that seems unlikely...) or takes the hint that something's wrong and that the only way to fix it is to cool his jets.

As always, you guys are amazing. :hug: Tons of thanks...now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to what sounds like a considerably less friendly-sounding forum to see if any ALTrolls want to hang out in Gunma.