TMI thread. I have a problem. (long)
 

This is really a TMI thing but I honestly have no idea who to go to about this or what to do about it.

I have HPV. I found out in April via an abnormal pap. I wasn't showing symptoms then, the next month, or the next month. When I was diagnosed, my doctor told me not to worry about it -- it wasn't a big deal, I could go about life like normal, and that was that. I honestly thought it wasn't something to worry about. So I didn't. Well, last night, I discovered two strings of what I believe is my HPV acting up. Very tiny, something you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it.

Now here's the problem: my doctor, because in his mind it was a non-issue, told me it wasn't necessary to tell anyone about it. He said it would be like telling someone you had a cold once. This was all fine and dandy at the time because I was not showing symptoms. Well, I've met, started dating, and had sex with my current boyfriend since then. So naturally, this sounds like a perfect time for HPV to turn up, right? (Note sarcasm.) And, I think we can put two and two together here. I didn't tell boyfriend. Not because I wanted to hide it; I honestly thought it wasn't an issue because my doctor made it out to be that way. But now, since I definitely know it's there now, I need to tell him.

I don't know how to go about this. I don't want him to think I lied to him; I really wasn't trying to do that. I was just going by what my doctor told me. And the (I guess) good news is we've been using condoms for the most part, and as far as I know I wasn't showing symptoms the one night we didn't, so I think the likelihood that I gave it to him is low. But I really don't know how to tell him this. I feel like a really horrible person; I should've been upfront about it from the start but I was just so confident that it wasn't going to be an issue.

What should I do?

You need to fess up and tell him. While HPV in many cases is harmless, and may even clear up on its own, it also can lead to loss in fertility, genital warts, and increase in likelihood of cancerous cells.

I say tell him EXACTLY what you told us: that you weren't showing symptoms and that your doctor told you it was a non-issue. Tell him you don't know for sure if that diagnosis has changed, but that you and he should both get tested. You're adults who engaged in sexual contact, something that is never without risk, he's aware you had prior partners, I take it? It's always good practice to get your partner's sexual history. If he gets angry at you then he's not being mature about it, especially when you explain that a medical professional suggested that it wasn't an important issue. If that doctor was right or not, I don't know, I find it strange that he would advise you not to share information about any STI, no matter how trivial.

If he isn't infected, have him get immunized for it. Problem solved. If he has been infected (and, really, because symptoms show up so rarely, he might have been infected by a previous partner and not known it) then there are options he can discuss with his health care provider.

I'm surprised at your doctor. HPV is an STD. Some strains cause genital warts, other strains cause cervical cancer and other types of cancer. Guys can carry it, and pass it on to other women. Your BF needs to be told so that he can take steps to protect future sexual partners, and you need to be up front with your future partners as well.

I don't even know how to go about bringing it up to my boyfriend. I'm really scared he's going to break up with me; he's had major trust issues with previous girlfriends and I really don't want him to think I'm just like them. I feel like a horrible person.

You wanted to tell this person you loved them a few days ago. If you love him, then you should want him to be healthy, even at the cost of some unpleasantness.

Lay the blame on your doctor, tell your boyfriend you didn't mention the HPV on advise from your clinician. Tell him that you discovered something was amiss now and that you're seeking a second opinion.

mimsy-

I have HPV, and my (now husband) also has it, we are not sure who give it to whom, because I never had an abnormal pap smear in my LIFE until a few months AFTER we started dating, having sex, etc. We both had genital warts as a result of the HPV. We didn't play the "blame game" because neither of us knew who had it and passed it onto the other person. Now, just to calm yourself down, MEN are not at risk for cancer if they carry HPV or have warts. It's only us women that have to worry about it. I had warts for a few months and then suddenly they just disappeared overnight. The Doc told me that your immune system can fight off the warts. Yes I still have the virus, but my warts have never reappeared, and that was over 2 years ago. My hubby still has warts but will need to have them removed.

Basically, I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. Yes it's embarrassing, but hopefully your BF will be understanding.

find another Doctor NOW. How incredibly irresponsible of a clinician to advise you in such a morally inappropriate way. If your Doc is that irresponsible on this issue what else are they doing that's ethically questionable. Find a new doc, get checked again, have your records with you so they can test for a new strain of HPV, you might be dually infected and it might be your new partners strain that has caused an eruption. And, TALK to your boyfriend about it ASAP. He deserves to know, for his health and the health of anybody who might be his current or future sexual partners (never assume monogamy).

HPV is by far the most common STI and isn't a "dealbreaker" for most people. Just be honest and upfront with him, no activity until the flare goes away, keep us posted!

The doctor that gave me my colposcopy (the one that told me all this) is not the regular doctor I see that gives me pap smears, I go to a midwife for that. I'm taking the necessary precautions; I'm going Thursday to get it checked out and to make sure that what I think is an outbreak is actually an outbreak and get it removed.

I plan on telling my boyfriend exactly what I told y'all, and I just hope like IDK what that he doesn't think negatively of me for it. I really didn't want to do this to him and I feel like an *******. I honestly thought it wasn't an issue.

Edit: just want to get y'alls' opinion: but would it be wrong for me to act like this is the first time it's popped up when I tell him? Part of me would feel guilty for lying, but it would escape the fact that I already knew upon having sex with him. That's really the part I'm worried about -- not telling him that I have HPV, but the fact that I had sex with him prior to telling him I had it. I feel like he's going to think I hid it from him on purpose. I wish I wasn't such an idiot sometimes.

In all honesty, at this point he deserves to know the whole truth. You knowingly jeopardized his health and it may be a painful lesson to learn, but I feel it's selfish to not tell him everything. So far you knowingly withheld important information and now are wanting to lie to him. If you were coming on asking advice about a guy that had done the same to you, I'd be telling you to bail and bail fast. Not a healthy, mature relationship.

Do what you want but you should tell the truth and not lie, and that's what it is, a lie. If you build your relationship based on lies is it a good healthy relationship? Will it last? Get it all out on the table, and honestly, can you blame him if he breaks it off?

You're right. I guess I'm just trying to figure out an easy way to handle this. I told him I wanted to use condoms up front, but all I said was because we didn't know each other very well and I wanted to be safe (I wasn't really ready to tell him yet). But then one night we were mid-act, and he wanted to take it off, and in the heat of the moment I forgot about my condition and let him go on with it. And really, up until now that's how much of a non-issue it's been -- I never think about having it because up until I found what I think is an outbreak, it was like I never had the virus to begin with, which is another reason why I didn't think I needed to tell him. It wasn't an issue for me, so I didn't think it was going to be an issue for him -- why worry him about things unnecessarily?

Do y'all think I'm a bad person for not telling him?

Would it be better to do it in person? I'd prefer to do it in person but I don't know when the next time I'm going to see him is... and I will have had my doctor's appointment by them. I almost feel like I should go ahead and call him and do it over the phone but I don't want to do that. Ugh.

It is not important what we think, it is important what he thinks.

Do it in person. It's always better that way.

Tell him everything, and it's okay to say that you were worried to tell him but also that your doctor told you in the beginning that it was "no big deal"... but at the same time that you want to let him know now.

I went through something similar... long story short, I had an abnormal pap, dr thought it might be HPV, had colpo and it was confirmed, visited a friend later on that year who took advantage of me (forcefully), told boyfriend everything including the friend (boyfriend knew about the HPV before) but then somehow boyfriend thought I was cheating and that I had gotten HPV from cheating (that was a fun day...not...). When I got into a new relationship, I was very straightforward with talking about HPV before we talked about being intimate. We're getting married now with our first baby on the way, so I guess you could say it worked out!

If saying the words is what kind of intimidates you or worries you, you can write down what you want to say and either (a) read it to him or (b) give it to him to read.

*hugs* Don't worry about what you think he's thinking. Sometimes that just makes it worse because then you have these imaginary conversations in your brain with the other person that freaks you out!!!! Just be honest with him. That's what relationships are about.

I think you should tell him in person.

And I think you should have a stern talk with yourself about having unprotected sex. There are way worse things than HPV out there, and being in the heat of the moment is no excuse. You need to commit to using condoms with every partner until you're absolutely sure they are disease free and they are 100% aware of your HPV status.

I'm in favor of full disclosure, right now and in the future with went potential sexual partners. In all likelihood, your boyfriend will be alarmed, and perhaps a bit miffed that you didn't tell him sooner. However, it is the right thing to do, and he will probably respect that you did tell him as soon as you had doubts about what your doctor told you. Good luck!

Not to be in your face on this but...

if I remember you mentioned having sex with at least one other guy not too long ago...

you need to tell all of them...

Sometimes we don't like the outcome of the risks we take...

but as adults we need to take the heat that comes with it, learn and move forward.

Good luck to you kid!

I agree with most posters. Tell him, in person, as soon as possible. Tell him the whole story, no shortcuts. You could start the conversation as follows "I have something important to tell you, and all I need you to do is stay calm and hear me out. I have HPV, ....(tell your story).... I am sorry for not telling you about this before, my doctor made it seem like it wasn't anything to worry about and that is why I didn't say anything before. I will go with you when you get tested and help you pay for it if need be."
Don't have any expectations about how he may act, just talk to him ànd go from there.. he may get angry, upset, sad, or it may not be a big deal. BUT you need to educate yourself more about HPV and what may happen to him and you as a result-be ready to answer any questions he may have.
Any previous partners need to be made aware as well.
I wish you the best, these things are a difficult but real part of life.

I agree with this times a million. There is no need to freak out about this.

Men can be tested but they have to be tested for a specific strain of the virus, its called an antibody titre. There is also an anal pap test that can be done for gay and bisexual men. Men can get genital cancer from having the HPV virus although it is much more rare then cervical cancers in women associated with the virus. Let's not spread misinformation here. Just because his chances of begin negatively affected by this are far less then yours doesn't dissipate the risk you have put him in.

You are not a bad person for getting into this situation or for wanting to find the easiest way out, but you will be a much stronger and experienced person when you come out the other end having been honest with this guy. If you can't speak to him in person about this right now, do it over the phone but do it as soon a possible. It's better to get it out of the way and know what the outcome is and either build a stronger relationship based on truth then to leave yourself hanging. The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be. Like my Step Mom used to say, rip it off like a still warm wax strip, if you let it cool you'll pull your flesh right off the bone (she was a cosmetologist).

Agreed. You are VERY young and unprotected sex can lead to things MUCH worse than HPV. I'm not trying to be in your face either, just some sisterly (or motherly LOL) advice.

As for your inital concern about how and when to tell your BF, tell him in person and explain it exactly as you did here. He can't fault you for listening to your doctor. I suggest also having some reading information ready for him after you tell him (website, pamphlet....etc)

Just be completely honest with him, and definitely tell him in person. Maybe he will be upset, and maybe he won't. But regardless of the outcome, I think you will feel relieved to have come clean.
I agree with what previous posters have said about unprotected sex. I know you're really young, and in the heat of the moment we don't always make the best/right decision. But it's very risky, especially when you don't know for a fact that the other person is 100% clean. And someone just telling you they're clean and disease free doesn't count! :)

I will say this: I have low-risk, non-cancerous HPV. Pretty much the only thing "health" wise that my boyfriend needs to worry about is getting the warts himself; I don't think he has to worry about getting cancer or anything. The more I think about it, the more I don't think he's going to freak out about it. I'm going to see him today and I'm going to tell him and hope for the best.

He told me that there's only 2 things that would cause him to get mad at me: cheating on him and lying to him. I'm going to tell him the full story, and I might start the story out by telling him how this happened. I know what kind I have, I know it's not life-threatening, and I know that as long as we're careful, both of us should be okay.

And really, it'll show what kind of guy he is if he judges me for this, right? Right.

You are right, it'll show you his true colors. I hope he takes it well and that he two of you can move on from here with a stronger relationship and an understanding of how important protection and monogamy can be. Good luck and stay strong. You will feel so much better once you get this off your chest.

The HPV strains that cause abnormal paps are not the same as the strains that cause warts. http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm

More on men and HPV:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/STDFact-HPV-and-men.htm

I'm just going by what my doctor told me; my colposcopy just showed abnormal cell changes, but they weren't cancerous, so he told me and I assumed that that meant I was in the clear as far as that was concerned.

Good luck with your talk. It won't be pleasant, but it has to be done! Just try to be understanding of how he feels, and don't throw him under the bus as a "jerk" if he does not, in fact, understand. That seems like a perfectly normal reaction. Hopefully he will take a deep breath and want to talk more and figure it all out. But if he doesn't, I don't think it speaks volumes about his character, or anything. That is a pretty big pill you are making him swallow... good luck!

He didn't break up with me! Granted, there was a lot of silence on his part and he did a lot of thinking before he finally decided to keep me around, but he kept me! Now onward to the doctor to get some real info about this thing!

Good for you! I'm glad he is willing to work through this all with you. Now, buy stock in Trojan so you can recoup some of your money when they declare stockholder dividends ;)

I did the same thing and you know what my fiancé responded when I fessed up "Oh yeah, my last gf of 3 years had it so I probably have it already". I told my bf before that I had it too and he was so nice, he responded, "well who knows who gave it to whom, maybe i gave it to you, whatever". I had a gf who legitimately was dumped when she told her bf she had hpv so I was scared out of my mind in both cases.

Looking back, I should have waited longer to have sex with my fiancé and told him from the start. He's not the kind of jerk who would run away from something like that.

Guys who are willing to run away from that... might as well run away from every woman on the planet, or obstain from sex altogether!

Please consider that in many states having sex with someone and not disclosing the fact that you have an STD is criminal as you are jeopardizing someone else's health. In the future, you should protect yourself legally by disclosing your condition. In my state, it's a misdemeanor to not disclose this information for any STD other than HIV/AIDS in which case it's a felony, pretty serious stuff. It's your legal responsibility to inform would-be sexual partners.

Also, BOO! on your doc. :mad: Sure this is pretty common for the gynecological professional but not for the person who was not informed so they could protect themselves. It's not like the common cold, it's an STD that they will have to live with and seek treatment for, it causes physical and emotional pain and monetary loss for medical treatments, much unlike a common cold. Glossing over it like is not a medically responsible action for anyone.

I hope you learned the lesson on disclosure to your partners. In the future, please be upfront, it may not be a dealbreaker but people deserve to know the risk they are taking. There was a lot of deniability in your post but you knew you had HPV and what it was. I am glad he was understanding. Please consider your partner's health in the future. It was saddening to see your concern for what he would think of you instead of concern about his health.

When you got your pap did you also get tested for other STIs? What you can do is go to the doctor (if you're still having an outbreak), and they will swab to test. I had a scare a while back where my OB told me that she was "99% sure" that I had HSV due to a small bump I developed on my very upper leg close to the crease of my behind. She even prescribed me acyclovir right then. When my blood test results came back, she was wrong. I was in the clear for that as well as any other regularly tested STIs.

For your own peace of mind, you may want to go get retested.

Oh yeah, I make it a point to get tested for other STDs every time I have a pap. And in fact, the doctor I went to today still told me the same thing -- that it wasn't serious and that my boyfriend would be fine. Just about everyone I've talked to has said that it's really not that serious and that I don't have anything to worry about.

I've taken this as I don't need to keep things from my boyfriend, period. And it wasn't that I cared what he thought of me, it pained me that I could hurt him, which is something I never wanted to do. Some of you act like I don't care about him, and it's quite the opposite -- I care quite deeply for him in all aspects. I just didn't want to hurt him. Everything's okay now though, so I'm not gonna worry about it anymore unless I have to. Why fret and act like I'm living a death sentence when I'm not?

It's not a death sentence but it's highly irresponsible and actually illegal in many states to knowingly not disclose this information to a partner. It doesn't show concern for your partner to take that risk with their body unbeknownst to them. That was deceptive and while it seems to have worked out for you this time, that behavior has the possibility of bringing you legal problems and civil law suits in the future should the person not be so understanding.

There's absolutely no shame in having HPV, but it's very bad to not tell someone until after you have had unprotected sex. Besides, wouldn't you have wanted to know before you contracted it so you had a choice? He should have gotten a choice.

You're right, I should've told him sooner. I still regret that, and I still feel like an idiot about being ignorant about my own condition. If I had understood it better, and maybe if my doctor had explained it to me better, then I wouldn't have been in this predicament and probably would've told my boyfriend sooner.

Honestly, even though I know everything is okay now, I still feel horrible about it and I still feel like an ***hole. I know better now, and really, until this has to come up again, I'd really like to just put it in the back of my mind and know never to do that again; otherwise I'm going to make myself miserable thinking about it.

I am glad that you realize the gravity of the situation AND that things are working out for you two(although my posts sound stern). Now you know, you just need to be upfront about it and if the guy really cares, it will be ok. Plus, it will also save you from all of this anxiety. And please, make sure he gets checked out, especially since he's been cheated on and you guys might occasionally have unprotected sex, to further protect yourselves.

I wish you good luck with everything. Now you can really enjoy your new relationship without this issue clouding your mind. :cloud9: