Alright ladies (and fellows), I'm asking for another dose of "rational" :)
First of all thank you to everyone who reads my posts and offers advice/feedback. It truly helps to ground me because, yes, I do have irrational thoughts and feelings on occasion *cough*
Anyway, the fiance asked me yesterday if I minded if he went on an overnight fishing trip with his buddy (who is also our neighbor) this Friday night. I'm totally ok with it as long as he doesn't go out there and drink, which he promised he wouldn't drink liquor, just a couple beers - and I'm ok with that.
Typing this out makes this all seem so trivial, but that's what I need. I'd rather look crazy here hiding behind the keyboard than to people I see every day, none of my friends would understand my irrational thoughts LOL .....
I guess I'm more baffled because he wants to stay out there all night and will truly enjoy every minute of sitting on the bank of the lake all night getting eaten up by mosquitos. It's just weird to me. At the same time, I'm not gung ho fisherman like he and his buddy are (think Jeremy Wade and river monsters). They brought home about 6 catfish this past Friday night and figured they'd get twice as many if they sat out there all night.
I guess it boils down to - we enjoy different things, which is absolutely normal.....
.....and my "rational" slowy returns
Last edited by mammasita; 06-19-2012 at 07:10 AM.
Reason: I suck at grammar lol
Do you feel bad because he's going out there with his friend instead of spending the night with you? That would be my thing, my fiance and I are attached at the hip, we don't have fun if the other isn't there (wow, that sounds so co-dependent).
If there's any of that, maybe plan a nice dinner cooking the captured quarry the next night with some wine and conversation and music and so on. That's what I'd do.
And I don't get the fishing thing either. You cant even talk to each other because it "scares the fish" Feh!
I think in a healthy loving relationship, you have to give each other a little bit of room and space to do what that enjoy. As long as it not damaging to the relationship in anyway. Use that time away to pamper yourself and do something you would enjoy - either by yourself or with girlfriends. When you come back together, you should both be happy. Let us know how it goes.
I do not love fishing. I go fishing once in a great while to put in an appearance and show support for the hobbies my spouse loves. But I appreciate that he enjoys it and I don't mind going along once a year or so.
But it is no secret that *I* have no deep passion for fishing! *I* am not the type to go every week!
He's planning a trip with his brother and the two youngest children to take the old boat out. (His brother has it now and it used to be their dad's so there's a nostalgia thing there too)
I say have at it! Bye! I'll spend the day alone or call up a gal pal and go shopping. (Something HE hates to do but sometimes puts an appearance at for my sake.)
If you have not been having regular time together it CAN feel like "What am I? Chopped liver?"
So if you do mind it because of that say so. "That's cool, hon. And I'm glad for you to go. But am I also on your schedule to spend quality time with? Because I'm feeling a bit taken for granted when you make extra effort for other people and not with me lately. So when you get back can we clear some time on the calendar for just us?"
If he HAS been spending time with you -- fair enough.
In fact -- GO your separate ways once in a while. I don't think it is healthy in a long term relationship to expect to be joined at the hip. You need to circulate among other people too and not get stale. If you spend every waking moment together what is there to talk about? The partner was THERE. YKWIM?
Well I am eternally single but I'd say make plans with your girlfriends, or do something that you love to do alone but might not otherwise do. Rent a ton of chickflicks or indulge in a TV show that you guys don't agree on. (For me I have a feeling that will be GLEE for me and whoever I end up dating later on in life lol).
In fact -- GO your separate ways once in a while. I don't think it is healthy in a long term relationship to expect to be joined at the hip. You need to circulate among other people too and not get stale. If you spend every waking moment together what is there to talk about? The partner was THERE. YKWIM?
I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with being with your SO most of the time. What about women, like me, who have the same circle of friends as their SO, we spend time with other people, but the other people want to see both of us and invite both of us to things. I certainly haven't found that my relationship has staled because of it. And you can always talk about experiences you had together. Mind you, we don't work together and are in different majors, so we do spend our working lives apart.
Fiance and I do spend quite a bit of time together, I suppose this is just a change because his buddy is a new friend (they moved in around December)....
He's offered to take my son along with them. So I'll REALLY have a night to myself (that is if my son decides that sitting on the bank of the lake all night is cool LOL)
I'm insecure and somewhat co-dependent (an issue I know is unhealthy and I've been working on it) so it used to be a huge issue for me if my DH wanted to go out with the boys fishing or snowmobiling or whatever. As time has gone by, I've gotten much better at it. The past few years I've given him the green light and actually felt fine about him going out and doing overnight fishing trips and such. He's happier, and I'm also happier knowing that I'm overcoming my own issues because it wasn't fair to him when I would get upset that he just wanted to do something fun with some friends now and then.
I second what the the other gals said about going out and having your own girl's night or some other type of me-time that you enjoy.
One thing you know is if your SO is taking your son along, he's bound to behave himself. And it'll be good for all of you.
I think you've already done all the rationalizaing, mammasita. Go out with a girlfriend so you aren't sitting around wondering what he's up to. It's great that he asks, you answer him honestly, and he respects your wishes.
I love my husband dearly, but if I didn't have time away from him (and he didn't have time away from me) I think we'd go nutty. We are on disability, so even though we're only in our 40's we live and act like a retired couple.
Hubby's much more social than I am, so he spends a few evenings every week with friends, and then every year goes to a gaming convention in Indiana once a year for about five days.
I LOVE those evenings and five days of solitude (yeah me).
Before I married, I joked that my ideal marriage would be one with a his and hers duplex (or maybe even his and hers houses on the same block so we wouldn't have to share a property line).
I still joke about the his and hers duplexes, and I still like a lot of solo time (I'm a hermit, what can I say. My idea of social time is coming here and chatting to friends I can turn off when I'm tired of their company - sounds antisocial I know, but that's just me).
I visited my family for 9 days without my hubby last month and it was divine. I missed him, and I talked to him every day, but it was an amazinglly stress-free visit, because my husband and mother tend to aggravate each other, and then I get to play mediator. I didn't have that stress. Hubby and mother didn't have to put up with each other, and I got to visit family without having to try to play peacemaker. It was awesome.
It was so nice, I stayed 3 days longer than I had originally intended to, and I had so much fun I'm planning another solo trip in September. Not only was it nice to be away from hubby, it was also nice to have a chance to miss him (like the song title "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away")
Apparently most of my hubby's friends envy him, because I don't curtail his freedom like the other wives (who all seem to have mile-long lists of rules or preconditions for letting their guys go). Hubby and I even joke about other women. It started when we were first married, and a woman tried to pick up my hubby in the Walmart by offering him her phone number (I was in the next aisle and heard the whole exchange - she obviously didn't think fat ol' me was any competition). Hubby played dumb and told her, "you'll have to give that to my wife, I'd just lose it." I heard her harumph and stomp off.
I would also tease him before he left for his games with the admonishion "no cheap 'ho's" and he'd ask "what do you consider a cheap 'ho," and I would say "if you can afford her, she's a cheap 'ho."
Then he joked one day "what if she's a free 'ho," and I said, "definitely no free 'hos, they're the worse kind." So he said, "what if she's not a 'ho," and I said "have her fill out an application and I'll review it."
This has been a running gag between us, to the absolute horror of most of the other wives.
A lot of women I know would be absolutely horrified and jealous if another woman was flirting with their husband. I love when women flirt with my husband, because I really don't feel I have anything to worry about (and it's really, really funny when he tells the flirtee about the "application" process -My hubby bartends once a week for a couple hours, and I've seen it happen. A girl who knows he's married will continue to flirt, and hubby says "if you're serious, you'll have to fill out an application." They look confused, then hubby explains that he's allowed to have an affair so long as the other person passes the wife's application and interview process.
Some of the women don't get that it's a joke (they think hubby and I really do have some weird kind of open marriage), but no one has ever agreed to fill out the application.
I asked hubby what he'd do if someone was willing to fill out the application - in other words, how far would he be willing to take the joke - and he said he'd probably give the person a blank application (he used to work HR), and then either tell them they'd failed the application - or even further if I was willing to play along and "interview" the person.
I love elaborate practical jokes as much as anyone, but I draw the line at interviewing a prospective honey for my honey, even as an elaborate hoax.
When you give someone a gift, you should do your very best to get them what THEY want, right? It may ot go over very well if we gave people the gifts WE wanted, and just assumed they would want them, too. (although people still do this....amazing.) a truly great gift would be something you know THEY WANT, even of it makes no sense to you.
This has helped my marriage tremendously. I no longer assume that if I would love hubby to do XYZ for me, then OF COURSE, he would love it if I did that for him! I try really hard to remember that he is a totally different person. It all sounds so logical, but surprisingly hard!
So my thought would be to recognize that this seemingly-harmless fishing trip is a great gift to him. It is what HE LIKES. It is totally fine, and normal, that you don't "get it". And hopefully he will reciprocate. :-)
I just noticed this morning that I typed "does" instead of "dose" in my title
@EagleRiverDee - Yes, I feel like I am codependent also. I think the good thing though, is that we recognize it and actively try to correct and not let it get the best of us.
@krampus - I have. After my initial post, it really all seemed so trivial. I do love that my fiance respects me enough to "ask" instead of "hey I'm doing this and I dont give a damn if you like it or not".
@EZMONEY - you are absolutely right and the last thing I want is for him to think or feel like I'm trying to control him. That's not a healthy relationship and I would tell any of my male friends to run for the hills if their significant other did that to them......they rarely listen to my advice but I try LOL.
@kaplods - I LOVE that you and your hubby joke like that, I think its great! I'm like you though, I'm a homebody and I'm already thinking that my Friday night will consist of a couple chick flicks and some sort of healthy new recipe I'd like to try, maybe even cleaning (cleaning is theraputic for me LOL).....oh and perhaps a glass of wine
@ChickieChicks - that actually makes perfect sense. Giving him some "male time" is a "gift". Yeah its not MY idea of a great gift, but its perfect for him. Definitely not the perfect gift for me
Alright ladies (and fellows), I'm asking for another dose of "rational" :)
..... 
