How do you handle the 'strong personality' in your social circle of friends?
I moved to the Seattle area last year and didn't know anyone. I was lucky to meet a group of people, who are already friends with what another through college, to socialize with. I've been hanging out with this a group of 7 people/friends for several months...3 guys 4 girls...age range mid to late 20s...I'm the oldest of the group (in my mid 30s), but I blend in well.
Anyway, as with all social circles, there's always 1 very strong personality that some what "bullies" the others. Not the play ground type of bullying; rather, she will put people in the hot seat in front of everyone...and my gut tells me it's on purpose. She also negatively gossips A LOT about others when they aren't around. I'm careful with what I say around her because she talks about others in the group when they aren't there...so of course I'm confident she does the same thing regarding talking to me to others when I'm not around.
My question to you is...in your past life experiences with being part of a group of friends, how do you balance between not getting catch up in the group dynamic tension without alienating yourself from the group in general?
I think the "queen bee" has me as a target because she likes 1 of the fellas (I'll call him Jeff) in our group and he told me some information before telling her and everyone else about it. She said "Did you know Jeff broke up with his girlfriend?" I said "Yeah." Big mistake. I should have lied. She said "When did you find out?" I said, "I don't remember." She said, "Did he tell you before he told me?" I said, "I'm not really sure. It's been awhile." She said, "Well if Jeff texted you to hang out a few weeks ago to attend that festival, then he must have told you at that time because he broke up with his girlfriend the night before." I said, "Okay I guess."
I felt like she didn't like the fact that Jeff told me about the news before he told her. I don't see what the big deal is...but my gut tells me that I need to be cautious around her. What does it matter if Jeff told me before telling her? She's a bit controlling.
As pathetic as this sounds, I've never really had a group of friends to hang out with. Back in middle school, high school, and even college, I would have 2 or 3 girlfriends to hang out with, but that was all. This is the first time in my life that I have a type of "Friends" (TV show) type of group dyanmic to be a part of. It feels good to finally feel like I belong to a group.
Anyway, I just have a strong sense that this 1 woman wants to get chummy with me in order to get 'the dirt' about me. I've experienced too many catty girls/women in my life to know to keep my guard up when my gut tells me so. I don't want to leave this group of social friends JUST to avoid her. But she is the "queen bee" of the group so to speak. What should I do?
I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, sorry. I've been in a similar position before a few times and I usually end up doing/saying something which doesn't go down well and I end up alienating myself from the group because everybody else (while in agreement with my feelings) would rather avoid the drama and continue with what they're doing. It's frustrating, I know. I'm torn between feeling better to be away from the toxic person and sad that I'm not actively part of a group any more.
Does she gossip about everyone in the group? How does everyone else feel about her?
Sounds like more than just a strong personality to me. I've had a similar situation also. I ended up removing myself from the group because I did feel as thought the girl with the strong personality was just using everyone else for her own intersests, social climbing, gossip, etc. She also proved to be a bit two-faced and underhanded which is why I gladly walked away. Not a real friend.
Hopefully, the woman you're talking about isn't the same way, but she does sound familiar. Maybe you could get closer to another girl in the group and go for coffee alone. Does it always need to involve the "strong personality"?
Wow. She sounds sad. "Queen-bees" and I don't get along because I have a strong personality in the other direction. I think people should back off and live and let live. So confrontation ensues. I would avoid hanging out with the larger group honestly and maybe get together with a couple of members of the group at a time.
I had to do this in grad school when this queen bee and I had mutual friends. I'm close to them. She is close to them. But we are barely in the same room together. She has since formally apologized to me even though she treated other friends pretty bad too, but I was the only one who confronted/rejected her.
I'm sorry That really bites. It certainly sounds like a control/dominance issue, and means of self-importance. I have a family member that consistently interrupts me in a story with "Did I know about that?" (that meaning whatever I was discussing) as if I had to run it by or inform them first. It's demeaning.
It's easy to ignore the warning signs, the quick acceptance of certain people, and the easy/judgemental dismissal of anyone that isn't seen as "worthy" without real knowledge of a person. The gossiping, the labeling of others.
I had a very similar situation last year in which someone thought I'd made a serious accusation against the Queen because of a concern I voiced that was skewed due to confusion/timing and selective hearing. Instead of clarifying with me, the person told everyone else I'd made this accusation. I thought we had a "friends"-like family group mindset as well. At the time, I'd been withdrawn from everyone at the time due to depression, so it was an easy fit for others to assume I'd done it. Someone actually told me "I'm not taking sides", but they did, as I was cut from the social circle for 6-8 months. Like LeilaJey mentioned, I think it was less that they believed the accusations, and more that they were upset that I had in their mindset "caused drama". I really hate the word drama in general.
It's very infuriating to be the only one who recognizes and takes action on the Queen Bee phenomenon. Initially, I was absolutely heartbroken. I couldn't believe it that everyone had turned their back on me, particularly when I was struggling with this depression as it was. Now, after so much time has passed, I actually think it was the best thing that could have happened to me, as while I still have contact with them, I don't spend nearly the same amount of time with them, and I know who to trust. There are a few that I keep in closer contact with on a 1:1 basis.
It was a healthy thing I think because I realized I was too wrapped up in this specific social circle, that I had declined to spend time with family, and other friends. I don't believe anyone should be that reliant on a group of friends, as evidence that groups don't support the way individuals might.
I too, usually had a few really close friends, and this was my first experience with a group of friends. It really helps open your eyes regarding social dynamics.
I wish you well, it sounds to me that the options may be either to pick/choose who to be closer to from the group, or continue to be wary of the Queen and mindful of what you say to whom. That could get exhausting though.
In any event, I do wish you luck, just keep in mind that if for some reason, you do have to choose, there is life after "friends"
Keep the group. Don't tell the queen bee anything you don't want to hear about later, and don't invest much energy in her. She can't "defeat" you if you're not in a position to be "defeated!"
Keep the group. Don't tell the queen bee anything you don't want to hear about later, and don't invest much energy in her. She can't "defeat" you if you're not in a position to be "defeated!"
I agree. People only have power over you that you let them. And make some other new friends so you don't feel so dependent on these
That doesn't sound like "strong personality" to me.
That sounds like weak and wanting to overcompensate by being overbearing and all up in everyone else's biz.
Don't be confrontational. But don't sugar coat either when she crosses lines. You don't have to play her game or use her rules. Do your own thing.
If she puts people in the hotseat, call her on it.
"Wow, Queen Bee! Why do you like putting people in the hot seat so much? Ignore it, Person In Hot Seat. You don't have to answer -- we still all like you fine."
If Queenbee gets all huffy about it?
"Queenbee, I like you fine too. But when you put others in the hot seat like that? That is not kind behavior. And I'm not cool with unkind. That is all."
It's her prob. Let her own it instead of shooshing the discomfort on to others.
It's like toddler parenting.
If they huff and puff, about how witchy you are and mean you are and wet blanket you are, remain adult calm. The group will either agree with you and get braver about standing up to Toddler Queen Bee and not allow toddler nonsense any more.
Or they are toddlers too, and that tells you all you need to know before you get deeper connected to these folks.
I think in addition to the advice you've already gotten, I would tell you to be strightforward with her in front of the others. Not in a mean way, but just call her out on her crap. If she starts putting someone in the "hot seat", even if it's not you and you can tell they're uncomfortable, you could teasingly say, "Oh, X, you're always picking on people! Whyyougottabelikethat?" I would do it in a kind of offhanded, jokey way that didn't sound confrontational, but drew attention to the fact that all of you know what she's doing. Or you could say in a similarly jokey fashion, "Ouch, X, that was cold!"
Also, if she brings up the guy again I would tell her, "Look, I know you like him. I'm not interested in him at all and even if I were I wouldn't do that to you because you're my friend. I like you. You should ask him how he feels about you." Get her talking about it and encourage her to make a move on him and make her feel like you're not jealous, you're helping her. I might even confide in her that I hadn't been part of a big group like this before, and that I felt like I was comingin late to the game, so to speak- I didn't know everyone as well as they knew each other.
I agree with the other posters who have said they would not tell her anything, ever, that I wouldn't want everyone else to hear. Just assume that if you tell her anything, you might as well tell the whole group. I'm not a gossip or one to be intentionally mean, but I do have a "strong" personality and I tease people mercilessly at times. Fortunately, my group of friends are similarly snarky and thick-skinned. I can tell you that I feel a lot more comfortable when people are straight-forward with me about problems they have with me- I find it easier to talk about and I respect them more for it.
I've found a group like that, and I have a couple of friends separate and apart who I have known for years. In the 'group' there is one person who's kinda like the person you describe.
Keep the group & just don't get chummy with her. Enjoy the goings on and stay non-committal.
That doesn't sound like "strong personality" to me.
That sounds like weak and wanting to overcompensate by being overbearing and all up in everyone else's biz.
^^THIS^^
Because *I* am the "strong personality" in my group of friends - the definition of a strong personality is having the qualities of self-confidence and assertiveness. You don't have to be overbearing or confrontational to have a strong personality.
I definitely DO NOT act like that woman acts. Altho I have had friends in the past that do act that way. And it's completely annoying. They'll literally question you to death over the slightest little detail. UGH.
The only way I can deal with those kind of people (without committing a felony, I mean) is to half-way ignore them. Lots of smiling & nodding, or "I don't know what you mean" (& then quickly change the subject...) and OH YEAH... plenty of "Oh, there's Sue! -I think I'll go say hi!"
How do you handle the 'strong personality' in your social circle of friends?
That really bites. It certainly sounds like a control/dominance issue, and means of self-importance. I have a family member that consistently interrupts me in a story with "Did I know about that?" (that meaning whatever I was discussing) as if I had to run it by or inform them first. It's demeaning.
