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Helpful or Rude?
My boyfriend has been making comments for the past six months or so about how he would buy me so many things, makeup, clothes, shoes, etc, if I lost weight. He says he's just trying to motivate me, but I think it's depressing, since he has never done any of that so far in the relationship. This is not an issue of me being greedy; he has no obligation to purchase anything for me. I just think that it's somewhat defeating that to me, it's like I'm not worthy of any of that until I'm smaller.
I'm assuming that this is probably just one of those issues of...men and women see things like this differently. Opinions, please? This has been bothering me quite a bit. |
Have you explained how you feel to him, just the way you explained it to us? (When both calm, ideally NOT right after he's made a remark.) I know plenty of men who would be able to understand your point.
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Good lord, if my husband started trying to bribe me into losing weight, I'd probably smack him and then give him a really stern talking to. If he had done it early in our relationship, I'd have thrown him out! That's a really sh*tty thing to do, especially if he isn't usually at all generous. I'm not at all surprised that this is bothering you--he is practically directly saying that he wishes you were other than how you are. That is extremely demoralizing! Depending on the context, I don't know that you should stand for it!
How does he treat you the rest of the time? Is he responding to you vaguely saying something about wanting to lose weight, or is he coming up with this stuff on his own? |
I've explained to him how I feel, but he still makes those sort of comments about once a week. Usually in reference to when he actually notices that I'm exercising more and eating healthier, or when I bring up that I can't eat what he eats. He's typically a very sweet person. When I confront him about the comments, he usually says something along the lines of, "If you're not happy with yourself and want to lose weight, and you talk about it, don't expect me not to get all excited about how good you'll look when you're thin."
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As someone who was married to years to a very controlling sociopath, who I would have called "typically a very sweet person", this is not ok. Pay attention to what your heart and mind are saying about these things because they aren't going to change most likely. If he makes you feel like you aren't worth those things unless you are smaller now, this won't get better. Maybe it will be ok with you and you can live with it....
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Well, given the timing of his comments, it seems like he really is trying to be a motivator....he's just misguided and the end result is what I would consider cruel....although I don't think he means to be cruel. My husband has never withheld gifts, etc. based on my weight. However, once I was very eager/desperate to lose weight and he said that if I lost 50 lbs. we could go to a tropical vacation. I thought it was great but it didn't motivate me. I had to want it and make monumental efforts to get there and I struggled a lot but it wasn't during the time he made that offer. I think you should tell your boyfriend that this kind of talk only make matters worse. For someone to lose weight, they need (often times, but not all the time) feel love for themselves. They need to feel worthy and withholding good treatment from you based on how much you weigh only makes your feel bad. Feeling bad leads to poor choices in eating, etc. I know you spoke to him and I think that's great, but I think maybe you need to speak to him some more. If he still doesn't get it, tell him not to bring this up again. Also, you shouldn't complain to him about not eating what he eats. Speaking of which.....if he truly wants to support you, he shouldn't eat off limits (to you) foods in front of you. That would be extremely helpful.
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Even if he didn't mean it to sound rude, and d-baggy, and harsh, and cruel, it comes off that way. This would not be acceptable to me, but that's just how I am. I would be very offended, you said you already explained to him how you feel and he continues to do this.
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I don't complain about not getting to eat what he eats. He often eats icecream, chips, etc and tries to get me to eat it with him and I tell him no. He takes me out to the movies, dinners, buys me stuffed animals, things for the house he knows I'd like, art supplies, things like that. But when it comes to beauty or clothing products, or even when I bring up that I want to buy them, he tells me not to. He said if I buy clothes for myself, or if he buys them for me, I might get too content with how I am now. I know it sounds awful, but he really is a sweetheart almost all of the time. These sort of comments are pretty much the only things that he does or says that upsets me.
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Originally Posted by Kaliii: I'd lose the weight and then leave just to piss him off. |
If he wants to be helpful, he should encourage you, help with meals, help with exercise....etc
Someone picking on their partner saying you need to lose weight and then I'll buy you some clothes isn't how you motivate someone, it's more likely to have the opposite effect. |
Most men do not understand how weight loss for women "works." My husband needs to lose weight himself, and what motivates him, does not motivate me.
We've learned that there is no "good way" to help each other lose weight, because our motivations and goals are different. We've learned that for the most part, weight, weight-loss, and weight loss-motivation efforts and discussions are forbidden topics. We've agreed that it's ok to say "is there anything I can do to help," and "hey, it looks like you've lost some more weight, that's great." That's ALL. The same goes for money issues, we are not allowed to "forbid" the other to buy anything. In fact, even the mildest of critical comments regarding money tends to start an unnecessary argument. We do sometimes argue against each other's purchase plans, but we' ve agreed there are acceptable arguments (we don't have the money right now - or we've been trying to save for something else), and there are unacceptable arguments (such as arguing that it's a foolish or frivolous purchase or questioning the legitimacy of the desire for the purchase). My husband and I negotiate almost everything. We have to, because we're so different. I can't believe we ended up together, we're so different. My husband and I sometimes joke that "marriage means never getting what you really want, because everything is a compromise." It's not really true, there are times we take turns getting what we want, and there are times when we both get exactly what we wanted - but geez it's annoying how much of living with a person is compromise. If one person is always doing the compromising, or doing more or less than their "fair share" the relationship can end up miserable. You have to set and protect your own "boundaries," whether or not he means well, you have the right to say "I will not accept this in this relationship. Do as I ask or keep your mouth shut on the subject completely." Then stand your ground. Hubby and I do it for and to each other a lot. Sometimes we forget which topics/arguments have been banned (but that's ok, we remind each other and we both work hard to remember to do as the other person asks). If he's not willing to make the effort, this will be a problem (only you can decide how big a problem). Personally, I would recommend discouraging him from setting rewards for you. That's worked only once in our marriage. Hubby offered to give up some of his unnecessary "toy" budget to pay for my redecorating if I cleaned my craft room (which could have been featured on an episode of Hoarders). I don't imagine a similar situation coming up again. For the most part, we both work best when we determine our own rewards and "extras" budgets. |
If you've asked him to stop and he's not, then he is not showing you respect. Remember that You deserve to be cherished and respected unconditionally by a spouse. Never ever ever ever settle for less than that.
Hang in there!! |
In my opinion that is a bad sign... I dated someone like that once- he made me feel less than human because I could look so much better if I were skinny. My fiance' encorages me to buy clothes and things that I like because he knows it makes me feel good, and he doesn't care whether or not I lose weight. He is attracted/turned on by me regardless of my weight (which has gone up since we started dating). He supports my weight loss by pointing out if I am eating past being full (it amazes me that he knows my cues better than I do-he always knows lol), and he is just generally supportive. He wants me to do what MAKES ME HAPPY. What I mean is it sounds lime your boyfriend is placing a lot of emphasis on how much better you will be skinny when in reality in his eyes you should be great now or then. I mean really, if you don't have halfway decent clothes at all sizes it will make you feel crappy about yourself. I dont have many clothes because I cant afford much but when we have extra money he encourages me to get what will make me feel good (clothes, mame-ul, self tanner, whatever ). It seems like your boyfriend tries to shame you out of buying things for the bigger you. Well I am rambling but I hope another talk with him helps him realize how he comes off. If he doesn't improve then you have to decide if you're willing to deal with that sort of attitude.
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Definitely rude, my fiancé told me I was beautiful and bought me things that I had no place wearing at my weight (I have a very revealing playboy monokini he bought on the sly so I'd go swimming with him, thankfully I found an old, more modest swimsuit to wear instead, but the monokini is now a goal outfit). I ballooned 50lbs in the year we lived together and he never, ever mentioned it! He supports my weight loss and gets excited about any progress I make but never pushes me to do more than I want to.
Be careful about guys who want to change you. One of my ex's told me I could stand to tone up a bit (I WISH I was the weight I was back then now), two years later I left him after an emotionally and eventually physically abusive relationship. I'm not saying this will be the case with you, but it's definitely a lack of respect (this opinion is solely based on what you've told us on this thread and is only my own, I mean no offense by it) |
Originally Posted by Kaliii: Originally Posted by Kaliii: Personally, I don't think I could stand to have a partner like this. I think I'm worth better, and I think you are too. :) And please, you deserve to be nicely dressed and nicely put together NOW, not only when you're slim. You deserve to be and feel attractive at any weight. |
More than rude, I find these comments scary!
All of this would be a huge red flag to me, in a relationship. If he really cared about you he'd spend his energy doing things to make you feel good about yourself, not trying to change you. You deserve to be loved and cared for NOW just as much as you'd deserve it if you were thin. |
I think it can be a red flag, but it isn't always necessarily one.
My hubby has a "white knight" personality. And he tends to think he has the answer for every problem on the planet. I knew this trait was going to be a nuisance at times (and I did consider not marrying him because of it and occasionally it makes me so mad, I almost wish I hadn't). Most of the time though, I love him dearly, but I do have to be firm with him about his idea of helping (he's the kind of guy whose idea of helping in the kitchen, is taking the knife out of your hand, and showing you how to do it the way he was taught in the restaurants in which he was trained. He knows and freely admits that I'm "smarter" than him in many things, but when he thinks he's right, he's as stubborn as a blasted mule. He is willing to do things "my way" when I tell him it's important to me (and while he sometimes forgets his promises to do it my way - he does try hard and apologizes when he screws up). My family sometimes think my husband is "abusive" because he tends to be very blunt (I swear the man has little or no "filter" if he thinks it, he's probably going to say it), and he sometimes comes across as a bit bossy (when the're stubborn and bossy I'm supposed to accept that they do it out of love, but when he does it, it's abusive). I'm an extremely independent, strong-willed woman and tend to be pretty blunt myself, and too willing to share my own opinions (as some of you may have noticed) though I am a little more skilled in wording my opinions in a way that is least likely to be offensive (hubby tends to put his foot in his mouth a lot, and doesn't always understand how it got there). Except for my husband's lack of tact, we're pretty well matched. I'm able to tell him when he's being a jack (er fool) he's willing to try to be less jerklike (though I usually have to spell it out for him, what I want. He's so literal-minded it's like talking to someone from another planet sometimes). The hardest thing for him to learn was to keep his mouth SHUT when he sees me doing something in a way, he wouldn't do it. To him there are only two ways to do things - the right way and the wrong way - and it's often difficult to convince him that his way isn't always the right way (but once I do convince him, he's firmly on board and will change his way). This might work better for us, if I thought like he did, and we agreed on the right way, but the difficult part is convincing him that there can be a "just as good, but different" way to do things. To his way of thinking there can never be "two right ways." Convincing him that it was ok to have towels folded in two ways (in the linen cupboard) was a challenge. He's so anal (OCD really) that it bugs him tremendously that I fold towels differently than he does. He's tried to learn my method, but I have a two-way technique. I fold bigger towels differently than smaller towels, so they can be neatly stacked. He folds all towels the same way, but stacks them in a pyramid, so that the bigger towels are on the bottom of the pyramid (which means he has to restack all the towels when puts towels away). We finally decided that we each get to fold towels however we want to, and we now have two stacks in the linen cupboard. My stack on the left, and his stack on the right. I know it still bugs him, but he doesn't argue any more about how the towels are stacked. He really is willing to let me make all the household "rules" but I fight against that tooth and nail, because I grew up in a household where my mother was the absolute ruler, and everyone (including Dad) had to do everything she wanted us to do (and often we were expected to read her mind in order to anticipate what she wanted). My mom's not a beast, and neither is my husband, just very flawed human beings (and I have to include myself in that category too). I really think my hubby has an almost Aspberger's like brain, and he literally can't think outside his rut without a great deal of help. He is willing to accept that help, but if he wasn't I probably couldn't stay. We both keep trying to make the communication better, and so it works. If one of us ever stops being willing to try, the marriage will fall apart. Sometimes it's like living with a 2 year old, but he acknowledges this. Heck, I'm immature too, but because my inner child is the teenager, and his is the todder, I have to be the babysitter sometimes (this is a gross exageration, but it's one of our inside jokes). Many people may consider this a very flawed relationship, but it works very well for us. We don't usually get very angry at each other, because we do communicate very openly (at least compared to all our friends and family). We aren't afraid to say what we really think, for the most part, because we're both very willing to assume that the other person isn't trying to intentially be a jack.. errr a a rude idiot. So we do our best, and both keep trying to make compromises that work for both of us. If that describes your relationship too, I think you can work it out. If he's truly unwilling to change to accomodate your needs and wishes, then you have a much bigger problem. |
For what its worth, I would think someone supportive would help you set a goal by letting you set the goal, and suggesting something special the two of you can do together to celebrate (ie: nice dinner out, a show, etc)
As coming from a behavior-modification standpoint, what he's doing is the equivalent of a mother telling her antsy child "you're acting like a brat, shape up and I'll buy you a toy". There's a big difference between that and "you're doing really well, I know you're struggling, I'm proud of you, you're really working hard to earn (X)" While they essentially end up being the same thing, but one has a positive, supportive message, and the other is, as previously mentioned d-baggy. I would hope that any SO worth their salt would support you, regardless of your progress. To me, he's seeing it more as his own reward (you losing weight), than how it will impact you personally. I really hope that there's more to it than this, but I also hope that you recognize how it seems he's treating you. |
This actually made me angry. It is beyond rude. It is communicating that he doesn't think you deserve certain things now, but you will deserve it when you lose weight. It is a red flag because you have already made it clear that you don't appreciate his comments. He is making your weight loss about him.
I had a boyfriend tell me what he wasn't going to compliment my appearance anymore until I got healthier (his code for losing weight), even though I was the same weight I was when we met. When I challenged him, he would just say how if I was confident about my current weight, I wouldn't get upset when he says those things so obviously I need to change. Completely circular logic. You deserve the full expression of his love in whatever form he gives it RIGHT NOW. All the time. My husband is unconditional love personified. He is so supportive, yet gets out of the way and lets me have my process. I am grateful that I have found him and that ex is in the past. |
I agree that it *can* be a warning sign, and it *can* be rude, but it depends on the context.
Have you told him you want to lose weight? Have you openly talked about weight loss, lack of motivation, etc? In that case, maybe he really is trying to just motivate you. Although it's definitely pretty clueless. I'm kind of doubtful that that's the case, though. It's more likely that he's being rude... actually, more than rude. When I was a teenager my mom used to bribe me with a cd, or a certain amount of money per 5 pounds I lost. Ultimately, not so helpful, kind of made me feel like garbage. I know she wasn't meaning to, but bleh. |
Insulting and chipping away at your self-esteem. Worse than rude and certainly not helpful. What really got me was him discouraging you from being happy where you are. I don't know your stats but unless you are MORBIDLY OBESE and teetering on dying of health complications, he should calm the heck down!
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I dont like it. I think that whether he's being douchy or just being helpful, you will resent him and ultimately you might, like I did growing up with parents who tried to bribe me to lose weight, just start to sneak food and eat when he's not around.
I do hope he means well, and I urge you to sit down and tell him how you feel. His response to THAT will let you know whats really going on. |
No, I'm not overweight to the point that my health is a huge issue. I think his comments are a combination of him trying to motivate me, for me, since he knows how unhappy I am. I also think he wants me to fit this image (I don't want to give too much information away) but he has a career in which he makes decent money, and often people in his line of work have "trophy wives". He hasn't brought it up, but it's just a known fact, or stereotype...however you'd like to look at it.
Things are great, aside from the topic at hand and I do love him. He's also at work most of the time and I have a lot of things to accomplish/get done/figure out this year. (College, work, hobbies, etc) So for now, I'm just going to focus on improving myself and getting things done. Only time will tell what his true intentions are and at least by then if things truly are bad, I'll have more of my life sorted out. But thanks for all the responses! It's comforting to know that my concerns are valid. |
Look at it like this.
Pretend you have a daughter and her boyfriend said these things to her. Is it ok then? You need to look at situations as a third party sometimes, because you don't want to think of your bf as being a douche. My ex withheld sex from me for 3 years because I gained weight and for 2.5 of those years I defended him. It took someone saying what I said about the daughter thing to realise how badly I was being treated. |
I dunno.. I guess I have a different view than other people.
Has he said anything that you haven't said to yourself? Has he made ANY comments when you were NOT trying to lose? Because I have CERTAINLY rewarded myself with clothes,I held off on getting clothes I liked until I was down a size, I CERTAINLY get excited when I think about what I would look like thin.. Why is it so hurtful for someone else to say it to you when it is what you secretly think as well? I think this would have been a sign if he was FORCING you to lose weight..but since you were already doing it in the first place... I really see it as he is trying to help. My thoughts are scattered.. I wish I could write like Kaplods ;) |
Maybe the guy's a douche, but maybe he's just "thinking like a guy."
Men get a different upbringing and message about "motivating" others. They almost speak a different language. They're often exposes to "bootcamp style" logic their coaches, fathers, and friends. Men say things to each other, that women would leave a friendship over. Some men are really good at "chick speak" and others aren't. If you "translate" things for him and he still doesn't change, he's a jerk. If you set firm boundaries, and speak directly (no euphemisms) a decent guy will do things your way. My husband often says "tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it." I've learned to take him literally on this (because most men, I've learned, always speak much more literally than women). Do not ask a guy if "this outfit makes me look fat," because it confuses and terrifies them (and really there is no "good" answer because we usually know the answer to the question before we ask, and their first instinct is to say what they think, not what the acceptable "code" answer is). If you live a lifestyle where there's a lot of social pressure for you and your significant other to conform to a social ideal, you're both kind of screwed, because your relationship then has a third (or more) member - because not only does it matter what you think, and what he thinks, what everyone else thinks gets into the mix too. And a relationship doesn't work if there ar too many people in there (friends, relatives, coworker, the neighbors). You can't make everyone happy. |
Originally Posted by kaplods: |
Originally Posted by kaplods: |
Also we are getting what he said from a biased perspective. It's hard for us to comment, because we weren't there, we don't know the context or the tone.
The fact that you came on here to ask us though, shows you took it personally. Otherwise you wouldn't need us to comment on it. If it hurt your feelings, whether he meant to or not. Talk to him about it. |
Originally Posted by : Originally Posted by : Originally Posted by : YOU do not like it. I wouldn't like it either, for much the same reasons. It doesn't matter what the reason behind it is -- that he's misguided or a creep or whatever. The bottom line? YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS. Tell him to stop it, change the approach to something you find more supportive and if he does not? What's that telling you? That he does not respect you or your feelings. Walk away. Maybe RUN. A. |
hmmm it's a tricky one, coming from a boyfriend you might doubt his motivation and feel even more self conscience
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Originally Posted by Kaliii: |
Hmmm... while definitely NOT helpful, I don't think he was being RUDE .... ON PURPOSE. Sometimes people (i.e. guys) come across as rude because they really don't know how to convey what they're thinking in a positive and uplifting manner.
Now - if you said he was a jack*** on many other occasions and generally treated you with utter disrespect, THEN I'd say, yeah, he's a rude d-bag and needs to be kicked to the curb. But just going on what you've told us, I think he's just completely clueless about how to be supportive of your weight loss efforts. Bless his heart. :^: |
If you were absolutely CLEAR with him that you do not like it and to stop, and he still isn't stopping, there's a problem
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