Is it dangerous to date an older man?
 

There is MAJOR DRAMA happening in my family now... I'll keep this brief and leave out some details for privacy but I hope you can get the outline.

My sister, who is 24 and still lives with our parents, is dating a man in his 40s. She says he treats he well (but is NOT behaving like a sugar daddy) and is a nice guy. My parents, when they found out, FLIPPED OUT. There were threats of violence and threats of disownment all mixed in with alcohol... they even found out where the boyfriend lived and went to his house to confront and threaten him.

I found out about all this from my sister after it happened. I'm definitely concerned about my sister dating this older man, but I'm way more concerned about how my parents are reacting. I don't want them to hurt anyone physically or emotionally or to get in trouble with the police (which would result in my dad losing his job). I talked with my mom briefly and just implored her to try to stay calm and don't let my dad get too worked up for a few days until they can assimilate the news. Apparently all they know about this guy is his age, nothing about his behavior toward my sister.

I feel like they are treating my sister like she's 16, not 24. I told her it's her business who she dates and the only reason it's any of their affair is because she's still living with them. I've told her many times before that she should move out but I think it finally sunk in this time and she will be saving up money to get her own place in the next few months.

Do you think there's anything more I should say to my parents to get them to calm down about this and not do anything they will regret? When my parents' reaction blows over, what kind of conversation should I have with my sister about her boyfriend? She's fairly baggage-less and this guys is divorced with kids.

Many women marry older men and have wonderful, happy marriages. I don't think "in his forties" is THAT old. I would stay out of it. You might tell your parent that the more they protest the more likely she is to defend him and her attraction to him.

I guess it really depends on what the guy is really like. If he is a genuine nice guy who cares for your sister, then I see no reason why anyone should be upset or angry.

She is 24 and an adult who can decide who she sees and who she has a relationship with. Your parents should have faith and trust in her because they brought her up well and she knows right from wrong and has always mixed with good people......assuming this is all true.

I think you all need to sit down and discuss it and there should be trust and understanding all round. Maybe your sister needs to invite the guy over for dinner so your family can get to know him more.

They are both adults and honestly it's no ones business. As long as they treat each other right and they are both happy, good on them.

This. She is a 24 year old adult. There a 15 yr age gap between one of my aunts and uncles and there is no problems there at all -- their kids are now grown ups themselves and there was never any sweat about it because they dated when she was a grown up like your sister.

Like you say -- she's not a teen!

A.

Wow, she is 24 yrs old...she can do whatever she wants ...like a couple of others have said it is no one's business, they are both adults ( if he is a nice guy ), however I can see my parents acting the exact same way over that...I mean how old are your parents? Are they in their 40's too? That might also be a lot of the issue.
Carri

I agree with bargoo, that staying out of it might be the best choice for you. You might end up jeopardizing your relationship with both your parents and your sister.

That being said, if it were me I know I wouldn´t be able to lay low. I guess I would remind my parents that she is 24, and as long as she is happy they should be too. And that although it is against all cells in a parents body not to protect their child, she has to learn and make her own mistakes.

And I agree that 40 something is not too old, but divorced and with kids, that´s a lot to handle. I´m not saying it´s a no no, but you know your sister... what do you think? Talk to her, see how she really feels about all of it...

re:
 

Agree with people here. It's not the age that would concern me - it's the divorced with kids really.

But, it is her life and as long as she's happy it's really not anyone else's business.

Its her business, but yes, I agree that it is still somewhat their business since she lives at home. She needs to move out.

Barring any negatives (abuse, mistreating....) who cares about age!

Me and the boyfriend laughed when we saw the subject line - I'm 27, he's almost 41. Can't see anything dangerous about it.

If he's treating your sister well then his age is irrelevant. I'd advise your sister to be cautious in regards to the whole divorced with kids bit, but can't offer any concrete advice since it's a bit outside my experience. If anyone needs a talking to it's your parents though - the age gap isn't an acceptable reason for them to go ballistic. Good luck with that.

Do you think the fact that she lives with them causes them to treat her like a younger? Is she a mature contributing member of the family? If she's acting like a teenager that would at least justify your parents' actions a little.

All that said, there's nothing wrong with relationships with age gaps...as long as the partners are treating one another with repsect and kindess.

When I moved in with my now husband he was 44 and I was 22. My dad was upset to put it mildly. Its been 15 years and we are still in love.

Thank you all for your feedback, especially with regard to whether or not I should have any further involvement. It's possible that my sister is making a mistake dating this guy, but (as she told me) it's her mistake to make if that's how it turns out. I think my parents just feel like they need to protect her from a person who might be taking advantage of her - not that there is any evidence that's what's going on.

I agree that the divorce and children are way more concerning than the age gap. That is probably what I will caution her about after the stuff with my parents passes. She has only been seeing this guy for a short while so it's not at all serious yet.

I think I will check in with my father later this evening. I just want to make sure he's not going to do anything stupid that will endanger his well-being.

That's not really true for her, unfortunately. She's has had a couple long-term relationships with people who my family and I consider unsavory. The last ex-boyfriend apparently reacted so poorly to my sister seeing this new guy that she is considering taking out a restraining order on him. So I guess my parents do have cause for concern based on her general pattern, but not because of this new boyfriend specifically.

My parents are pushing 60. However, this boyfriend is a lot closer to their age than my sister's and one of the children he is supporting post-divorce is the same age as my sister. I find that creepy but nothing to fly off the handle about.

Yes, my sister has never lived outside my parents' home except for a too-brief stint at college. I think she pays for her incidentals but doesn't give my parents money for rent or food. She is actually planning to go back to college so I think my parents still see her as student-aged instead of 24. She's legally an adult but not functionally so.

People get divorced for many reasons, the fact that they are divorced does not mean they are bad.

My cousin married a 52 year old man when she was in her early 20's. The family thought she was insane, and that "it would never last."

They seem to be going strong more than 20 years later.

I think age differences can definitely be a special challenge, but I think it's a small one compared to others.

The biggest danger your sister is in, is from your parents. If they accept him (however grudgingly) they and your sister will get to know him and see if he is an upstanding guy. If they don't, your sister will not bring him to the house and any "dangers" he could present will be hidden. She'll also be more likely to defend and hide any bad behavior on his part and even justify it to herself as a reaction to the parents dislike.

Accepting him, and staying calm means more is out in the open, and your sister will judge him with a more reasonable eye herself. And if she is dating him to because of the excitement of dating someone "forbidden" that will wear off much more quickly if the parents aren't reacting on that level. If they suspect she is "rebelling" they need to give her nothing to rebel against. And by suggesting your sister might be rebelling, I'm not assuming she's immature. No one is immune from rebelling against parental attempts at "control" (even at 46, I can still find myself "rebelling" against my parents. The harder they oppose my choices, the more likely I am to defend them).

In the case of my cousin, she had also had a rocky dating history. So everyone thought it was "just one more" poor choice. And maybe it started that way. I suspect she may have been attracted to the excitement of having a "scandalous" relationship. If so, I suppose it's better she got that excitement from a scandalous relationship than from an abusive relationship (as she had in the past).

If everyone judges this guy by what he does and how he treats your sister, it will be best for everyone (thought not necessarily easy to do).