Loving ex, snarky mom, baby in the middle.
 

This is mostly a rant, but some advice would be appreciated.

I am currently living with my ex, as friends. We still love each other, and even sleep in the same bed, but I can't get past a hurdle in our relationship. I decided it would be best to end things, and move to a new city (I'm still looking for a place).

When we started dating I was 17 and he was 25. He had just had a baby with a woman who cheated on him throughout the pregnancy (she caught an STD), and she eventually left him. She moved around from place to place and my ex never got to see the baby.

I started living with him in a group home that had apartments for the mentally competent tenants, because I had nowhere to live and we both enjoyed drinking. He finally got visiting rights to his son, because Children's Aide apprehended the child for various instances of neglect and exposure to drugs. My ex's substance abuse was bad, so I supported him in his decision to go to rehab. When he came home I was sober too. I soon after enrolled in school again, and found a part-time job. I wanted to be a better person. By that point, Children's Aide wasn't ready to let him have sole care of the child, but my exe's mom and dad (grandparents of baby) were granted care.

So I decided we needed to move out of the grouphome, and found a nice apartment 2 blocks away from my ex's parents (babys grandparents), so he could see his son all the time. It's a 2 bedroom apartment, so 1 of the rooms is for the baby, even though he doesn't stay overnight. I decorated it and made it really cute, and got some more toys for him. When he comes over here, I want him to feel welcome and know that he's the most important person in his daddy's life. We also have pictures of the baby being held by his mother on the fridge and in the hallway. She's made mistakes, but she's still his mom and she needs to have a presence in his life. My ex's parents (grandparents of baby) don't share this opinion, and continuously make fun of her INFRONT of the baby. He's not quite 2 yet and may not understand, but I still think it's incredibly cruel.

I'm a childcare provider, and I make a small living, but I love the kids. One of the children happens to be only 3 weeks apart from my ex's son, so its pretty incredible to see the similarities between them, and how they each excell in unique areas. I don't have a lot of experience with older kids, but I'm great with kids under 4.

I used to see my ex's baby 2 or 3 times a week. I loved spending time with him. Children's Aide had no issues with me, and if I wanted access to him alone I could've done so by having a criminal record check done. I never pushed to have a "mother role" in his life, even though his biological mother is absent. I just want a relationship with him, I want to be a positive adult figure in his life. Just to 'be there' for him. But out of nowhere my ex's mom (baby's grandma) decided that he's not allowed to come over anymore because she feels I'm "dangerous" to the child. Children's Aide put her in custody so she over-rules anything my ex says. If she decides my ex can't see his son anymore, she can do that. And she would. She's threatened to call Children's Aide and tell them that he hasn't been good with the baby because my ex tries to incorporate his own parenting.

She (baby's grandma) very controlling, but a very dedicated Christian who went on a missions trip not long ago. She's not an awful person, but she bullies others, a lot. This morning she called and rung my ex out just as he was about to head over there because he was 10 minutes late (though he said he'd be there "around" said time). This is an ongoing issue, her calling and yelling at him. Yelling at him infront of the baby. Infront of me. Etc.

But anyway, I love my ex so much. He's been there at my worst, and we got cleaned up and became better people together. He's my number 1 supporter, my motivation, and the reason I love coming home at the end of the day. But I just can't see us continuing our relationship together when I can't have a relationship with his son anymore. His son is his world, and if I can't be apart of that anymore I feel like there's a big gaping loss of connection between us that's going to grow bigger and bigger. It makes me sad to see photos of him, and hear about new things that he's learning.

I just wish things stayed the way they were before. I know I'm young, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I'll get over it. But it just seems so damn unfair.

I am really sorry that you are dealing with all of that mess. Some people can be so hateful. *hugs*I hope the mother in law realizes how much you care for her grandson.

Thank you Tiff! I don't know if she's hateful, or if she truly believes that I'm "dangerous". It latter seems absurd, but when my ex was a child she was excessively protective and controlling then too. When he was a teenager she would moniter him when it was time to brush his teeth. Perhaps she has anxiety issues? I just don't know. But there's really nothing I can do. Thank you so much for your support! It's nice to have someone understand.

Unfortunately when there is an ex in the picture with a child all their insecurities come out and are often misdirected at the new peson in her child's life. I do not have an answer for this but have seen it over and over. If she was the Christian she claims to be she would not be acting this way.

Well, as a mom, I can see both sides. If she has changed and is trying to re-establish herself in her child's life then I can imagine it to be quite confusing for a child to have a pseudo-mother figure around. You say you aren't together but sleeping in the same bed and there, perhaps this child has had enough ins & outs in their life and really needs some stability.

With all due respect, you being his ex, could be removed from this child's life tomorrow with no hesitation, so I am wondering if this instability is what is the issue.

Yes, obviously the parents created the instability in the first place but it is their child and their right to re-integrate/make decisions. When you say you cant have a relationship with him if the relationship with the child isn't htere then yes, that implies that you are starting to overstep the bounds of the mother.

Please don't think I am trying to say you are a bad person, you obviously are very good and caring, but sometimes we need to take a step back and not try and 'rescue' a situation that needs to be worked out on it's own.

Oh no, the mother of the child has NO contact with him. She had the option of seeing him and declined.

I'm talking about my boyfriend's mother (aka grandma of the baby) who has custody. He is now my ex because of his mother's sudden disdain of me. My ex would like custody, but because a) he's a man, and b) he has a history of mental illness, his lawyer told him he's less at risk of losing his son if he supports the grandparents in getting custody.

Ohh! Wow. Well, I wonder if she has the same reason?

I thought you were talking about the child's mother, too.

Haha I'm sorry! I went back and editted it, it should be less confusing.

But yeah so that's the situation. I thought about getting a criminal record check fopr her, giving her a reference from my employer, and being as sweet as I can be, but even if she changed her mind I don't want to have this fear over my head, and have her walk all over me.

That is like one of the most complicated family stories ever!
It sounds really sad that you could not all work it out. Perhaps the grandma doesn't like the fact that you abused substances at some time in your life? I know that some people never get over that and think like you can't get clean; that you are going to relapse etc etc

This made me feel really bad for the kid too :( You sound like someone who would be a good role-model.

I think Grandma has not cut the apron strings and is still controlling her son.
That is a difficult if not impossible situation for you to be in.

As the sister of a mentally ill man, I believe your ex's mother has probably gone through the ringer with your ex. She has probably had the kind of heartbreak, stress and worry that no mother would wish on another. Your ex's mom would not be able to exert control of this situation if your ex was not deemed unfit to raise his child. Sorry, but I really see where she is coming from trying to protect her grandchild. She may not be going about it the perfect way, but I empathize with how stressful this situation must be for her.

My ex has a mild case that was drug induced, and has since been under control. She didn't have a relationship at the time because he couldn't handle her controlling behaviour. But I understand what you mean. I might question his judgement in people too. But she's met me, she knows me, and she's observed me with the child. I am in no way a threat to his safety.

I don't think it is his safety that she is worried about. She is probably fearful that the little boy will love you. That would not be a bad thing but she may be afraid he will prefer you to her.

Wow, that's a really good point. But I think she's afraid he'll love me for a different reason. The child's mom walked away from him. If he becomes attatched to me, and one day I walk away too, well that would send him an awful message. But he's almost 2 and I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere. I tried my best to see him consistently. Then bam, she took him away. And lied about her reason why he wasn't coming over here, and why I couldn't go over there. Just blatantly lied.

I don't think I will ever date someone with child(ren) ever again. It's just too complicated. My sister warned me about this but I was 17 and thought I knew it all. :P