Need advise
 

I need some advice.

My very dear friend dated this guy for 3 1/2 years. She did not want her 3 kids involved with this new man, because she felt the kids had already suffered a loss when she got divorced. She did not want them get attached. So she always get the affair separate.

He left her last November. He said it was because he felt he was not big enough part of her life....see above.

He started emailing her again a few months back and was very sweet, she thought they were heading towards reconciliation ....this guy asked her not to get romantically involved with anyone and he had told he would not. They kept emailing and were talking about meeting for lunch. Then she started feeling a bit off and she point blank asked him if he was toying with her. He finally answered that he had started sleeping with someone 3 days after he had asked her not to and he would not. She totally lost it. She really loves this man. The problem is, he always had ED probLems and their sex life was not mind blowing. But she was willing to overlook those issues because she loved him for him.

He is a nice guy. Not a typical jerk. But when she confronted him, he said he wanted to see if he could sleep with someone, successfully.

The kicker is, this guy is 54 and she is 45..... He slept this other woman with out condom. My girlfriend has cried her eyes out for a week straight. She feels he is soiled and dirty, but she loves him and wants him back.

Do you think she can forgive something like that? She said it felt like infidelity to her.

How can I help her?

I would say he lied to her . Can she forgive that ? In my opinion, once a liar, always a liar.

I was going to say Once a cheater always a cheater same concept...

People are going to do what they do. If she truly wants to forgive him then she will. What you can do is be there for her. I've had to many times pick my friends off the floor when their mans 'cheated to or lied to or dumped' them. All you can do is be her friend.

Only she can answer that for herself -- what she is and is not willing to forgive.

I get the wanting a warm body when you feel depressed/upset/whatever post break up. But keep it at heavy petting. Or CONDOM, sheesh.

Bareback? That's playing health risks nobody needs to play. Ew.

He's gonna have to test and keep clean for a while to prove he's not caught anything to pass to her if they want to give it another go.

All you can be is her friend.

A.

You say he is "not a typical jerk"

Wrong wrong wrong. He's typical, and he's a jerk.

Does being nice once in a while make up for being a liar and a cheater?

The other posters were right, no one can tell her what to do, you can only be there for her when he dumps her or cheats on her again.

Thanks ladies.
I want to tell to run....run fast and far. I can not believe he did not wear a condom.....that to me was the point when I felt she needs to move on. Sheesh, he is 54 not 18.

I agree with you -- maybe send her the red flag list?

I dunno.

If she ends up taking him back do you have to socialize with him? Ugh.

A.

I wanted to read the red flag list but it won't open. :/ Bummer.

I just noticed that.

Google "red flag list heartless witches" but it isn't witches. It's the B word.

I think that's why the link won't post right.

Here's the tinyurl

To me going bareback is a MAJOR red flag. I don't know if he does any of this other stuff, but maybe that will help wake her up to the reality that she loves him, but doesn't HAVE to act on that or want to BE with him. She can let the love expire and move on.

A.

Omg, that list is classic. I'm forwarding it to a friend that really needs to read it. Thanks!

condom or not, he still told her not to see anyone, said he wouldn't but then 3 days later he did. If she slept with someone else would he be so forgiving?

I would cut it loose... It does sound like a game a younger person would play. They tell someone to wait for them or not to date anyone so they can have a "backup" or security of someone else if it doesn't workout with someone else they are dating or sleeping with. Shows no consideration for your friend and wasted her time waiting for him when she could of been trying to date and move on.

I had a long talk with her last night.
Her ex bf won't tell her who the other woman is. She is disgusted over the lack of condom and not knowing who this woman who so willingly slept with someone without a condom is.

Thank you ladies, I think you really helped her to see.

I am just trying to support her, and console her....

Why is she so interested in who the other woman is ? The problem is with the ex bf, he is the creep, he is stringing both these ladies along.

Men are like trying on a $1000 dress. Unless it's exactly what you want, put it back on the rack. Now, if she wants to settle for less than she deserves, that's totally her decision. All you can do is support her and offer your opinion if she asks for it. Personally, he sounds like a douchebag to me.

She wanted to know the identity to make sure that this other woman is completely out of his life. She says otherwise she would always wonder when some woman leaves a FB message, or if the other woman was someone she knew. Maybe a friend, in her circle.

I think my gf is not getting back with him. She is quite angry and she feels she can not forgive him.