Confusion...men (long)
 

K so you all might remember my "I have a date tonight!" thread and also one of my more recent threads concerning said date-fellow and a mushroom & Swiss burger. Well... somethings have changed on that ballgame and I fear I may have messed things up/have had some bad judgement. Before I get into the current situation, here is the back story:

We had started talking about a week or two before I graduated at the end of April; I messaged him on a dating site and we started talking and REALLY connected. We had decided we were going to get together then, but then he told me he had started another relationship so he couldn't date me anymore, but we could still talk as friends. I took him up on that cause he was/is a really nice guy, but I honestly didn't talk to him for about 2 weeks cause I just kinda wrote him off and moved on -- we had only been talking for like a week anyway and I was going through some rough times so I just didn't think about it.

Well, that 2 weeks rolled around and I randomly decided to text him (this was about a week after I graduated, first week of May). We started talking about stuff and mid-conversation he randomly told me he was single again. This was on a Wednesday, and long story short, we kept talking for the next few days and we went out for our first date on that Saturday (the 5th). We went to see The Hunger Games, and when we were in the theatre, we instantly went into cuddle mode and, well, this is where it starts: he starts rubbing on me, and it feels good so I allow him to continue. I also notice the more he rubs me, the more daring he gets with where he puts his hands. I continue to let him because at this point I have become putty because his hands feel so nice and well... damn it just felt good! We also had our first kiss at this point. After this, we head over to a bubble tea cafe where we sit and talk for a while and after that we decided to go into the city and walk around down town. We get there, and as soon as we start to walk on the street, a downpour started so we went back the car and he suggested we go back to his place to dry off. I wasn't ready to leave him yet, so I agreed and off we went. To make this story end here: we ended up fooling around a bit, but it wasn't anything too serious.

We keep talking, just as frequently, for the next week and our next date we decided was going to be at his place again and we were going to have a Netflix night. Well... to make this story short, there wasn't much "Netflixing" going on. I entered the room and he planted me with a really, really intense kiss and needless to say although I totally did not intend on it...we ended up having sex. That was pretty intense, too, lol. Earlier this same day, though, due to some issues with the management at his apt complex, he found out he had to move ASAP. And at this point, the only other place he could go until he found another place was back at his mom's.

This is where things start to get a bit fuzzy. After this night, we continue to talk, but I'm noticing the conversations are being started by me and not him, and they're becoming a bit less frequent. I knew he was busy with moving out, so I didn't think too much of it. We had date number 3 this past Tuesday, which included dinner and well... more sex. Which leads us to my current situation:

I haven't been hearing from him all that much. I keep my texting/conversations to a minimum as not to bug him -- maybe once a night/every other night, but at this moment I haven't talked to him since Monday night. He explained that he was still kinda busy with moving out and stuff, but I can't help but to think his interest in me has changed somewhat. I really did NOT intend on having sex with him so fast; we just connected really, really well, and the sexual part was pretty intense...and when we've been together in person, when we weren't fooling around, there was what I thought was a real connection going on. He's super easy to talk to and I feel super comfortable around him, which he has expressed he feels the same about me. He always has complimented me and seems to have made it pretty clear that he does, genuinely like me... but then if that's the case, why is he so silent?

I can't really remember if our conversations have always been initiated by me but I think it's been a bit of both, and he never has seemed to be bothered by me when I *do* talk to him, so I really don't know what his deal is. Should I just leave him alone and let him throw the ball, or what? Do you think I messed things up by having sex with him so fast? I really didn't mean to do that and I really kind of regret it.... do you think I should talk to him about it? I don't want to make the situation worse if it's already bad. I really just don't know what to do about this one.

And sorry for the long post, I figured the best way for y'all to understand the situation was if I told you what it was, lol. Thanks for any advice y'all give!

I think talking about it with him is a good idea. Talk don't text so you can hear his voice and he yours. He might be freaked out a little too. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Congratulations on your graduation that is great.

This is always tricky. It's hard to know exactly what to do when things are stressful in your guy's life and he goes quiet - it seems to depend a lot on the guy and how he deals with tough life situations, in my experience.

He may just feel like he's in over his head right now - breaking up with someone recently, moving in with his mom, new budding relationship with you, etc. - and he's retreated into his head to try to process it. I know plenty of guys who just go silent when they are worried or stressed - I think it's hard-wired in them to be stoic and not talk about things that are bothering them. Very much unlike women.

But, there might also be something else going on. Very hard to tell from where I'm sitting. ;)

So I suppose my suggestion would be to tread carefully for both your sakes for a little while, do your best to be supportive and give him a little time, and don't take his attitude as a reflection on you or your new love interest just yet. It sounds like things are moving very quickly for both of you, so maybe take this as an opportunity to step back, keep things a little more platonic and less lusty, and see if you can get to know each other a little better. It may help you decipher his mood a bit more easily too.

If it is truly bothering you though, just see if you can find a neutral time to bring it up, as casually as you can. Ask if he can tell you how he's feeling or what's going on, and let him know you're always happy to lend an ear if he wants to talk. He's quiet and you aren't sure why - is it something to do with you, or is he worried about moving, or is it something else? Don't be accusatory. Just nudge him to be open with you, if you can. Hopefully he will see that you're concerned for him (and for yourself) and will want to set the record straight.

Good luck. :hug:

In my opinion,you had sex too soon. I realize you didn't mean too, but the fact is - it happened. Many men, especially younger men, perhaps don't realize and wont admit it, but are all about the chase. Once they know youre willing, limits will be pushed ( him rubbing on you during your first date).

I'm definitely not trying to be the negative one and I would love to be wrong, but I've seen it happen and have personally been through it.

In any case, I think you should back off and move on. When a man wants a woman, nothing will stop him from contacting her....no matter what his circumstances.

Good luck

I don't want to rain on your parade but I agree with mammasita.

^^ Absolutely correct! ^^

I am living proof of that :)

My advice ~

Don't contact him anymore. He already knows for sure that you want him!

If he does contact you keep it simple and polite...

If he asks you for another date tell him that's possible but you need some time...

Agree to continue to talk to him....that is what you liked about him wasn't it?

If and when you decide to take another chance tell him up front before the date there will be no more sex for a very long time!!

If he goes for that, date him again.

If he tries to get you into bed...under any circumstances....

run as fast as you can.

He doesn't respect you...

and if you fall for it....

under any circumstances...

you don't respect yourself either...

and you will be sorry...very sorry :hug:

So... some men are all about the chase but are you sure he really broke up with his girlfriend?

It is hard to tell but a lot of guys just use dating websites for sex and not relationships. It is possible he is different but who knows. The second date sounds like a warning sign in that his intention was sex and he moved pretty fast on the first date.

You have to protect your heart and your health. Do you really know anything about this guy?

Things I would suggest you know before you have sex with someone:
Do you know how many sexual partners he has had?
What is his stance on condom use? (Did you guys use protection?)
Has he been tested for any STDs?
What is his longest relationship?
How long did his last relationship last?
Did he plan to be exclusive with you?
How does he feel about his mother? (a guy that has deep seated hate for his mother is something to be cautious about)

And there are other things as well but the above are things that I could think of immediately.

Yeah, I'm afraid I'm in agreement with mammasita and ezmoney...

I think since you had sex with him so soon (and I get it, I've been there) and he stopped contacting you, that's all he wanted from you.

If you hadn't had sex so soon, he still would have stopped texting, since sex was all he wanted.

Some advice I wish someone had given me when I was your age (although I probably would have ignored it): men will say anything they think you want to hear to have sex with you. And they will seem really nice, really interested in you and what you have to say, because sex is REALLY important to them, and a few little lies or being misleading is a small price for them to pay.

The longer you take to get to really know each other before you have sex, the more it will mean to both of you.

Personally, I would never contact him again, and if he texted me, I would never respond.

It's isn't easy out there, so look out for yourself.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with this 100%. :( I really hope that there's something else going on, but I've seen this happen to people many times.

Agreed. I think sex is enjoyable, but I don't want a relationship. That means I "date" with the intention of hanging out, having sex, and not with the intention of getting serious.

Meh. I wish I didn't suck at this so much. It's really hard for me to say no once they start touching me like that. I really don't want him to be a creep, but all signs point to as such. Fml.

I also am going to rain on your parade.
He chased you. He got you now on to his next conquest.
But he will keep your number and you will hear from him when he needs another quick fix.
Sorry for so blunt, but I saw myself in your message and I was in the exact same situation, but I am still in it with the same guy that played that routine on me THIRTY-TWO YEARS ago!!!!
I am in counseling now to learn how to quit being used.
I am getting stronger but yes I still lapse and see him even though I know to him it is all about the sex and yes we have great talks and both have everything in common, but it will never go anywhere because he knows he doesn't have to do anything since he knows he has me and I am in a one sided relationship that is going no where.

I don't know how old you are, but you sound young (late teens, early 20's?) I'm almost 49. I have soooo BTDT. (Not bragging, not ashamed! - just a fact.)

From your post, I surmise that you want something MORE than a casual relationship. You want something more permanent, longer lasting, some sort of committy. (I'm not referring to marriage or anything.) You really really REALLY like this guy; in fact, you are in the beginning of obsessive thoughts - it's a high, much like cocaine, chocolate, or shopping. (seriously! - people get infatuated by chemically induced responses.) You connected on an intellectual level, and quite obviously on a physical level. That's where relationships begin, after all.

I personally don't abide by the 1950's era of "having sex too soon" - I believe that our hormones react for a reason, and I see nothing wrong with casual sex. As long as you realize IT'S CASUAL, and means nothing more than a good time (and by all means! - YES! - protect yourself with birth control & disease prevention!!!) And usually, that's how guys view it - A GOOD TIME. You are hoping for something more...something more meaningful, longer lasting.

That's OK. It's OK to want more. It's even OK to build a relationship on what many people term casual sex. I DID. I had sex with my husband on our 2nd date. I knew it was just casual sex; that's all I wanted... I never thought I'd end up married to the guy! :dizzy: But yeah, we fell in love. We got married 8 months later. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary last week. Is that the norm? Nope - afraid not. But YES, it does happen.

If you regret having sex so soon because you feel like "he won't respect you" enough now to get to know you better, therefore increasing the chance of a longer-lasting relationship - may I say - with all due respect - get over it. Why so blunt? Because it's happened, & you can't UN-f*** somebody. Because casual sex is very much ingrained in our society in today's time. Most people have sex by the 3rd date. The older generation (older than even my generation, LOL) will tell you to "respect yourself!" - and "don't give it up too soon" etc. I disagree with that. TO A POINT. I say if you're an adult that you can certainly make your own decisions about when to have sex. A lot of people would call a woman a whore for that attitude. I say big deal, some people just really really REALLY like sex. And there's nothing wrong with that, unless you're going against your personal beliefs (religion, morals, etc). Sex is a natural part of humanity. We literally couldn't exist without it!

Generally speaking, there is "nothing" you can really "do" about this situation. Facts are facts. You fear you've "messed up" by having sex too soon. If he doesn't contact you again, you can assume any number of things, that being one of them. But also, a considerable possibility, he's truly busy right now, with the moving & everything else going on in his life, like he told you. Or maybe he's ashamed that he has to move back in with his mom. Maybe he's hurting from his break-up with the other chick. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe a lot of things. You won't KNOW until you talk to him. DO NOT TEXT. And if possible, have a face to face conversation. Ring him up, ask him to meet you for coffee or whatever. Put a TIME LIMIT on this meeting, so that you don't have time for casual sex. Because once sex enters the picture, emotions are soon to follow, and can, quite frankly, cloud your judgment. And right now, you want clarity: "is this relationship going anywhere? Should it? Do I really want it to? Does he? Can I be satisfied with just casual sex & good conversation?"

Good luck, & I hope it turns out like you want it to! :hug:

(((mimsyborogoves)))

You know, in this case, it's kind of like the food challenges we face. We know what our triggers are, so we stay away, and we keep foods that make us lose control out of the house. Sex and overeating are both very emotional things.

In this case, you know being around a guy like this is a trigger for you to go further than you really want to, so pay attention to that, and try to not let it get that far.

He's not really a creep, he's just a regular guy...he's out to get laid whenever and with whoever he can...don't let it be with you.

Hey, don't internalize it if this guy ends up being a creeper. You don't suck because this guy acted like a jerk! If this is indeed the case, you were a target and it could have happened to anyone. Just when you meet someone next time, try to avoid situations that can end up with you being touched and having to say no (i.e. don't go back to his place before you want to). Nothing wrong with having a solely physical relationship with someone, but if you're looking for more than that, avoid the "iffy" situations until you're getting what YOU want out of the relationship.

Put yourself and your own needs first. Especially in the very beginning of the relationship.