sorry for all the drama ... =(
Quote:
Originally Posted by gonnadoitthistime
It might help to look back on how things have been in the past. Was the housework always like that? Were things better early on and seemed to go downhill? It might help to write things down, like when you first started to living together he..., then it changed to .... then... etc, like a timeline. It might just be that downward spiral of abuse that has finally got to this point.
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actually, he's the pro when it comes to cleaning - he had his own janitorial business for 15yrs. when we met, i was THE worst housekeeper. with my adhd and asperger's and then my dad on top of it all, chores were not something we did when i was a kid. childhood was staying out until it was late enough to sneak into the house and get upstairs to my room before anybody saw me and then sleeping up on the shelf in my closet.
after he and i started living together, i went to flylady.net and got some chores lists with specific instructions and i managed to keep the sink clear of dishes, the floor clear of crunchy stuff, and the dirty laundry to a minimum. it was so hard to keep it all straight in my head but i'd get it all done.
and he'd come home and complain that the bathroom light was left on, the tub hadn't been cleaned, the balcony hadn't been swept and he didn't like what i'd cooked for dinner - nothing wrong with it "if you like that kind of thing" just he didn't feel like eating it. the big problem is that he's trini, so he only likes to eat trini and indian food - what i know about cooking indian food comes off the menu at Bombay Palace. he tells me "you have to grow up with it to learn the hand", then yells at me because he explained it once and i still didn't get it right.
this, btw, is a cooking "lesson" - "okay, take some flour and put it in a bowl. more. MORE! put some flour in de dam bowl, nah! too much! take some out. okay, now put some salt in. bit more. okay, get a cup of water. [after about 5min of looking at me like i'm a freak, he reaches over and pulls a coffee cup off the dish rack - silly me for looking for measuring cups]..." continue with the water temperature and adding the water to the flour.
even the way i kneaded was incorrect ("i thought you said you was a baker?").
so one day i cheated: the neighbour lady came over and helped me make a goat curry that was phenomenal. he came home, lifted the lid, sniffed and said "it'll have to do, i suppose". i flipped out and said the lady next door said it was good - "she's guyanese - she don' know s--t about cooking. none of them do."
that was the last time i cooked indian food with him anywhere around and i told him "you are so fussy with such a dainty stomach, YOU do the cooking. i have the courtesy to respect the effort when someone cooks - cook what you want, i don't care, i'll eat it."
he love saying things like "i don't know how you canadians can LIVE like this... " or "i don't know how you people do things, but where i come from..." and so on.
when we met, he was wonderful - the horribleness started with the positive pregnancy test (this is where i mention he's very short - an inch or so shorter than i am, and he's proportionate so condoms, the only methods of BC i can safely take, are a dodgey proposition at best). i kept it hypothetical "what if this happened? how are we dealing with it?" and he went on and on about how much he'd loved being a father, he missed it, tear, tear, gaze fondly at photo of two older children so i thought "... not bad...." and after some serious soul-searching i faced the fact that i'd always wanted a third girl and he seemed like he would make a wonderful father (which - to this point - he is, failing the fact that he is really really slow to catch up to saari's development - he still talks baby talk to her).
i said to him today, "going by what you're telling me, you want me to do:
100% of the housework
100% of the cooking
100% of the laundry
100% of parenting saari except for when you want to be Fun Daddy
work full time to pay half the household expenses plus my own
and now i have to see about saari's education since the school isn't going to get off their butts to test for learning disorder until grade 3. [and i'm not going to let her suffer for 5yrs before they get around to it]
so.... what? do i tell saari "sorry kid, i gotta work. just, you know, do your best. it's okay, nobody expects much from you" so i can work to pay the bills?
or do i just stop sleeping and when i finish work, leap in through the door with a vacuum in one hand and a frying pan in the other or oh, no, that's right: you don't like to be disturbed when you sleep on the livingroom couch or in your bedroom with the door open.
i guess that puts us in a picklement, doesn't it?
tell me, ganesh, HOW am i to manage this? you're the expert, you have all the answers, educate and elucidate!
that was when he said he was tired of talking to me because i don't LISTEN! i just don't LISTEN! i said i'm listening as hard as i can but all i'm hearing is static!
so i went to work and he called me 3x on my cell phone ("saari wants to know if she can have a popsicle".... "where's the broom?".... "dandy wants to go outside - should i put him out?") and twice on the shop phone ("did you file income tax? did you declare single or married?" and "your mother called - she wants you to call her when you get home").
so my boss sent me home at lunch time.
but you know what?
no problem staying on the diet. i'm not doing it for him so his behaviour and attitude have zero effect on my efforts.
*hugs* You need to get away from him - he's toxic.
I would like to suggest seeing a marriage counselor as soon as possible. You both need professional support for your marriage to survive or to guide you with the next step. It can make an amazing difference! If it doesn't help your relationship improve, it will at least help make separation go smoother for the entire family. 
