3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > General chatter

General chatter Because life isn't just about dieting. Play games, jokes, or share what's new in your life!

Thread Tools
Old 02-15-2012, 08:11 AM   #1
Senior Member
JoJoP's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 186

S/C/G: 150/136/120

Height: 5'5"

Default Worried about a friend :(

I'm worried about a very close friend of mine.

She's been gaining weight for a while, and now she's about 400 lbs. I'm not worried about the number on the scale. I'm worried about how she's treated because of it and her emotional reactions to it. I'm worried because her parents berate her for her weight and eating habits while enabling those same habits and I see how she feels about this. I'm worried because she seems afraid to look for love outside of internet relationships because of her weight. I'm worried because of her reactions of longing when she sees pictures of herself when she was younger and weighed a lot less.

I don't know how to help her. I care for her very much, and I want to be there for her whatever route she wants to go. If she had great self-esteem I wouldn't be worried (unless she told me she had any health problems, which she hasn't). Frankly, before my diet my eating habits and activity level were about the same as hers; I've just been really lucky and have a faster metabolism.

She's the sweetest person I know.

I'm also worried about how I act towards her, in that I'm not sure whether to just ignore everything or to be like "let's be healthy together!" and possibly seem like I'm judging her >__<. I'm also worried that she might resent my weight loss regime, since I don't need to lose weight for health reasons or anything.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks
JoJoP is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 08:17 AM   #2
IF for Life
Italiannie's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 406

S/C/G: 198/183/147

Height: 5'8"


It's wonderful that she has you in her life. As you know we can't really change people; I think it's great that you want to be there for her. I guess if it were me, and I was that concerned, I would try to carve out some time to spend with her alone and do something healthy, like taking a walk (or stroll if that is what she is capable of doing - baby steps).

I have found that when you walk along side someone, both literally and figuratively, there is a level of communication that can happen that doesn't happen over a cup of coffee. I wouldn't necessarily offer advice, but you may find she opens a window for you.

I wish you the best in your concern for your friend.

July 4 Goal: 173

Commit to your plan, commit to your prize.
Italiannie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 09:04 AM   #3
Senior Member
mammasita's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 1,147

S/C/G: 218/150/155

Height: 5'7"


That's a very difficult situation. I completely understand your empathy but I do agree with Italiannie that we can't change people. All we can do is be there and gently nudge in the right direction.

Good Luck.

BMI - 23.2

Goal #1 - 196 (10%) | Goal #2 - 185 | Goal #3 - 174 (20%) | Goal #4 - 165 | GOAL
- 155
mammasita is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 09:22 AM   #4
Calorie Counter
NEMom's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 1,719

S/C/G: 197.5/180.5/160

Height: 5'3"


Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. I wish I knew the answer to this because I also have a friend that is over 400lbs and she does have health issues. I have tried talking to her about losing some with, asking if she has considered surgery, etc but she always has an excause, life is too stressful, insurance does not cover the surgery (it does) but as much as I want her to, I cannot make her work on the weight loss. I have let her know that I will help her in any way I can but I cannot do it for her.
Encourage her to get healthy, show her the way and hope she follows.
NEMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 09:35 AM   #5
runningfromfat's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Brasil
Posts: 2,620

S/C/G: 240/184/155

Height: 5'6"


I think being there has got to be a huge support for her in and of itself. Since you are concerned, maybe do like others suggest and plan healthy activities with her like going for a walk or having her over for dinner where you cook a healthy meal? Also, maybe you could have a heart to hear with her how she shouldn't let her parents words get to her. Clearly she is a wonderful enough human being regardless of her weight for you to care for her so remind her of that and tell her that her parents words are just that... words.

Does she live with her parents? If so maybe help her look for her own place or help her to get out on her own.

Personally, I'd probably approach the other issues head on (like the cruel words from her parents, her self esteem etc ) instead of the weight itself because my suspicion from the way you describe the situation is that her weight is more of a symptom of what is going on in her life rather than the cause. Maybe if she is able to overcome the difficulties with her parents and her self-esteem issues she'll eventually be able to deal with the weight.

Starting Measurements (B/W/H): about 51/40/46, 240 lbs Goal Reached Pre-Pregnancy: 39/29.5/38, 156lbs Current: about 43/34/42
Started at 240
Onederland 199 (Jan 6, 2010, exactly 2 years after my previous due date!)
Overweight BMI 185 (Aug 3, 2011, one year after joining 3FC!)
Pre-pregnancy weight 175 (Oct 18, 2011)
Called Goal 156

My Bras, Fashion, and Weight Loss Blog
runningfromfat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 09:38 AM   #6
astrophe's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,855

Height: 5'8"


I can see you are worried and want to affirm that you are there for her should she want to talk or need you.

So.... call her up and say "Hey, I've been worried about you. I wanted to affirm that I am here if you want to talk or need me."

Then let her take the conversational ball if she wants to and is ready to talk about it. She might not be ready to talk. But letting her know you are there can't hurt. And hopefully when she IS ready she'll know she has your support.

Started Jan 2016:

Last edited by astrophe; 02-15-2012 at 09:39 AM.
astrophe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 01:09 PM   #7
Staying the Same
krampus's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Troy, NY
Posts: 6,448

S/C/G: 160+/116-120/maintainer

Height: 5'5


JoJo, I think simply by being healthy and making good choices, you will inspire her in some way or another. It's ultimately her choice but in being a good example, when she decides to lose weight, she'll have a great confidant and supporter in you! You sound like a very caring and sweet friend and she's lucky to have you!
Push on some more!

krampus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 01:19 PM   #8
Senior Member
JoJoP's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 186

S/C/G: 150/136/120

Height: 5'5"


You guys are so sweet! ;__; *hugs you all* Seriously, I've never been on a forum with such caring people!

I'm lucky to have this girl as a friend, and I hope to spend more time with her and hopefully lift her spirits and maybe inspire her if I can do it without her feeling bad about herself.
JoJoP is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 02:06 PM   #9
it's a fine day
Kitcherella's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the house of LOVE
Posts: 619

S/C/G: 240/152/145


I wonder if you could randomly mention 3fc, would it work? Though I don't know how you could work it into a conversation without it being too obvious.

Anima sana in corpore sano
Kitcherella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 09:56 PM   #10
Pinup extraordinaire!
tessendicott's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 542

S/C/G: 273/232.4/165

Height: 5'8"


That is a hard situation to be in. On one hand you don't want to upset her more, but on the other, I would say, let her know that you're concerned.

I honestly wish someone would have looked at me when I was at 275 and said, "Tess, you have a serious eating problem and we need to get you on the right track." Obviously you wouldn't want to put it like that, but let her know you're there for her. It could end up saving her life. I completely agree with Kitcherella, tell her you found this great website that you really love and think she may like to, or find a subtle way to show her.

You do have to be gentle, especially with talking about her parents, she could end up just getting defensive. I was a size 6/8 and my father told me I was fat and I drilled it into my head and then I actually gained all the weight. Parents can be very judgmental even when THEY are the enablers. I think the idea of helping her find a way to get out on her own would be great.

Try to boost her self-esteem. Compliment her on the little things, this could help, however little it may be. Everyone loves to feel good about themselves.

Be empathetic with her. She is very lucky to have such a wonderful friend in you!

Hope this helps. <3

"Laughing heartily five times a day has the same beneficial effects as ten minutes on a rowing machine."

Last edited by tessendicott; 02-15-2012 at 09:58 PM.
tessendicott is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-16-2012, 01:49 AM   #11
Senior Member
kaplods's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,383

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"


It's hard to find a good way to help someone who hasn't asked for it. I love recommending 3FC and TOPS to anyone who ever complains or comments about their own weight to me. And I mention it to people I don't even think want or need help to lose weight, because they might be able to pass on the recommendations to people in their lives who might ask that person for help. In that case, I just tell people how much I've gotten out of the group (and try not to spend too much time on the topic).

It is unfortunate that it's taboo to mention weight issues, but it is. So any attempt to do so, can seriously damage a friendship, and worse it doesn't usually do any good at all.

A support system really is key, where ever the person can find it, and the more people who can help the better, but ironically it's rarely the friends and family who can help. Strangers are better at it, frankly because there's so much less pressure and less fear of "letting people down."

Since you're not at your goal yet, you could try something like telling her that you'ld like to try out a TOPS group (or any local weight loss group that is in your area) but that you don't want to go alone, and ask if she'd be interested in going with her to check the meeting out. If you and she both like it, you could both go, and she would meet a lot more people to become potential allies and support. Even if you don't like it and don't want to keep going, she might.

But if your heart isn't in it for yourself, and you're just trying to manipulate her into doing it for her own good, I wouldn't recommend it. People tend to sense that type of manipulation and it usually backfires and feels like judgement rather than help.

I've been working at weight loss since I was 5 years old, and I always found strangers much more helpful than close friends and family members (because they have a "stake" in my success and if I fail, I feel like I'm failing not only myself but them as well. Even when I succeed, I often feel like I'm failing because I want to not just succeed, I want to impress and make my family members and friends proud. The pressure ends up making the process harder rather than easier).

"Support-groups for weight loss," are statistically much more effective than solo efforts - and yet participating in such groups is not nearly as socially acceptable as it should be. That's too bad. It sure would be nice if inviting someone to a weight loss meeting wasn't any more "weird" or "embarassing" than inviting someone to a gourmet gadget or tupperware party. It's sad and funny that we live in a culture in which inviting someone to a weight loss group would be seen as more offensive than inviting someone to a lingerie and sex toy party.
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!

Last edited by kaplods; 02-16-2012 at 01:51 AM.
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2012, 01:30 PM   #12
Junior Member
PinkJealousy's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 26

S/C/G: 360/284?/150>g

Height: 5'3''


You should suggest this site to her...when i found it and i found it by mistake- probably typing how grossly fat I am on the google search bar...- i felt inspired. I felt no longer alone. My family did...does the same thing. Would only cook greasy food, but make fat jokes, fat comments, anything even gave me fat nicknames. I was so down. I wish I had a friend that cared like you do. Talk to her, tell her u are on her side and want to see her succeed for herself so no one can put her down.

You are her friend and you care- that means the world...im sure that whatever you do, you will do it in a way that initiates change for her current situation.
PinkJealousy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2012, 01:57 PM   #13
Never surrender
dragonwoman64's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,751

S/C/G: 251 current/237 minigoal/180

Height: 5' 9"


I'll add too that she's very lucky to have you as a friend.

Friends have said things to me, told me their weight loss stories, and how I needed to lose weight. I mostly felt self conscious and embarrassed in those moments, and it did not spur me on to get healthy or lose weight.

When I did start eating healthier and exercising, my bf encouraged and helped me (though sometimes we have conflicting ideas on how to get to the same goal!). Having someone there was I was ready really helped (like kaplods says, a support). Good luck!!!
dragonwoman64 is offline   Reply With Quote

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Could Really Use a Friend...OT blackbeltchica19 20-Somethings 52 11-15-2011 01:46 AM
A friend told me she doesn't think she looks fat. Autumn Night Weight Loss Support 39 06-30-2011 08:19 AM
How do you tell a friend she needs to lose weight? eviemc Weight Loss Support 65 02-22-2009 07:09 PM
What is the best way to support a friend who is going to have wls? nweisha Weight Loss Surgery 13 06-17-2005 10:17 AM

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:00 AM.

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2