Patchworkpenguin -- Thank you. I'm trying to remember that at the heart of all human interactions is understanding and that without it, we find only conflict. So, when there is an obstacle to understanding, it's a good idea to put things on pause to avoid any escalation of conflict.

JudgeDread -- Thanks for your words. Being deceived is really kind of awful and can undo all of our notions of trust and understanding, sometimes, can't it? I agree that the biggest question is "Why?" I guess I just don't understand how someone who used to really treat me with love and care would behave this way. It comes down to the fact that he just doesn't see it as wrong and hurtful. And that is the problem that has to be addressed…and I don't know if it will be successfully addressed because if he never sees what he's done as painful, then, there is no need on his part to change it. Sigh. I do try to be a forgiving and understanding person. I'm a poet by livelihood and I try to hear and connect to other people's perspectives as well as I can; sometimes this is successful, sometimes I get my own heart trampled on. I think that you're right, though…if we want to be open-hearted, we must guard our boundaries carefully and watch those who wander there freely. The blame and emotional control is definitely there and I'm trying to make sense of it as well as I can. So glad for my therapist who I am so very grateful for, because talking to her has gotten me through a lot of heartache, lately. I haven't filed for divorce; we are separated, and at some point we will have to decide whether this is salvageable or not. Most people tell me to walk away, but I am struggling to understand and accept that the imbalance of power is dangerous. It makes me sad to think that I won't have him in my every day life, to think that all of our dreams and hopes are dying, and I largely feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. You mentioned that someone lied to you for ten years….that is one big betrayal and I imagine it must have taken you a long time to come to terms with. I hope things are better for you now. I imagine something like that must irrevocably change how you come to think about trust.

Somehow, though, I feel like I can handle this feeling better now that I've expressed it and heard some great opinions here from all of you ladies, and gotten a bit of rest. I'm a little too emotional this week and everything just got the best of me.


Today's better. I've had some success in my work, I'm making progress on the book I'm writing, and I'm trying to channel my energies into writing, even if I can't share my success with him because of what's happened between us. :(


Thank you everyone for your supportive words. It seems that love makes us take big wild risks on leaps of faith, but that when power dynamics get out of control, we've got to give the reins over to the head instead of the heart to navigate the storm and try to survive it. I'm feeling better (as much as it is possible to), now that I've gotten some of this off my chest. :)

I'm glad you are feeling better today. :hug:

It certainly does make you reevaluate everything in your life together with new eyes. Did he really mean it? Or was it part of the first honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse?

You are going to ping pong all over the map... but trust in the decision you made. Time will heal, and your new SAFE abuse-free life is worth it... even if right now things hurt. Hang in there!

Sometimes the choices in life aren't so much "win-lose" but "this stinks-this stinks too... so which stinks least?"

A.

Patchworkpenguin -- Thank you. I'm trying to remember that at the heart of all human interactions is understanding and that without it, we find only conflict. So, when there is an obstacle to understanding, it's a good idea to put things on pause to avoid any escalation of conflict.

JudgeDread -- Thanks for your words. Being deceived is really kind of awful and can undo all of our notions of trust and understanding, sometimes, can't it? I agree that the biggest question is "Why?" I guess I just don't understand how someone who used to really treat me with love and care would behave this way. It comes down to the fact that he just doesn't see it as wrong and hurtful. And that is the problem that has to be addressed…and I don't know if it will be successfully addressed because if he never sees what he's done as painful, then, there is no need on his part to change it. Sigh. I do try to be a forgiving and understanding person. I'm a poet by livelihood and I try to hear and connect to other people's perspectives as well as I can; sometimes this is successful, sometimes I get my own heart trampled on. I think that you're right, though…if we want to be open-hearted, we must guard our boundaries carefully and watch those who wander there freely. The blame and emotional control is definitely there and I'm trying to make sense of it as well as I can. So glad for my therapist who I am so very grateful for, because talking to her has gotten me through a lot of heartache, lately. I haven't filed for divorce; we are separated, and at some point we will have to decide whether this is salvageable or not. Most people tell me to walk away, but I am struggling to understand and accept that the imbalance of power is dangerous. It makes me sad to think that I won't have him in my every day life, to think that all of our dreams and hopes are dying, and I largely feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. You mentioned that someone lied to you for ten years….that is one big betrayal and I imagine it must have taken you a long time to come to terms with. I hope things are better for you now. I imagine something like that must irrevocably change how you come to think about trust.

Somehow, though, I feel like I can handle this feeling better now that I've expressed it and heard some great opinions here from all of you ladies, and gotten a bit of rest. I'm a little too emotional this week and everything just got the best of me.


Today's better. I've had some success in my work, I'm making progress on the book I'm writing, and I'm trying to channel my energies into writing, even if I can't share my success with him because of what's happened between us. :(


Thank you everyone for your supportive words. It seems that love makes us take big wild risks on leaps of faith, but that when power dynamics get out of control, we've got to give the reins over to the head instead of the heart to navigate the storm and try to survive it. I'm feeling better (as much as it is possible to), now that I've gotten some of this off my chest. :)

astrophe, I do feel like I am re-evaluating everything in my life right now. Almost like....well, if I'm all torn to pieces, I might as well consider which ones need to go where and do it properly. Whatever led me (and us) into this situation has to be figured out, I think. And it all seems connected....past traumas, past problems, weight as armor, eating badly to avoid dealing with situations, ending up in imbalanced control cycles....something is leading me to this and it means it needs to be fixed. So, I'm re-evaluating everything in the hopes of putting together a me that is stronger and better, a phoenix from the ashes if I'm lucky (I thought it was sweet that is what my dad said I was like because I often fall in over my head and rebuild myself because he seemed to understand that it's a metaphor I use in my own life often). We're all resilient if we allow ourselves to be, but we can't be closed off from the true, often painful self-reflexivity that helps us to understand our own motivations. I'm finding that it's sometimes very hard to admit the truth to myself simply because it is painful. But....fingers crossed for life to be better once I make sense of things.