My husband of 20 years (he's over 50) is the same...it doesn't take long. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but at 4 months married, you should be riding a high wave right now.

Just know that it's not YOU!

I don't know that he's addicted to porn or what... but I hope you get him to a check up for the erectile dysfunction bit and find the reason WHY.

Maybe's that is causing depression? And the need for "no pressure" porn as a sex outlet as opposed to actual sex where he experiences performance anxiety?

But there's enough there to be concerned, and a check up just to be sure seems like a place to start sorting all this out.

GL!
A.

It could be the weight of course :( I know it doesn't sound nice, but it is absolutely natural for human beings to prefer slim sexual partners to heavier ones. Weight makes sex harder.

That being said it doesn't mean that you aren't the person he wants to live with and love above all.

Whatever his part of the problem is you should first of all fix your side. You have two options, or so it would seem to me: 1. Try having more sex as you lose weight 2. Find someone who wants to have sex with you as you are at any weight.

It is one thing to ask of a person to love your faults and another to ask of them to love you while you are giving up on fixing your faults. I personaly would not be attracted to someone who doesn't try to be the best they can be.

There are heavy couples with an active sex life, there are skinny couples wihout one. Of course it isn't all about the weight, but it is a factor.

Now to the possible ED your hubs might have... does he perhaps have a lot of stress? Men that prefer cold distant porn to a warm real woman usually have performance stress. It might make him feel worse and worse to talk about sex, because admitting sexual disfunction is harder for a man than a woman. This might add to you feeling responsible for the situation.

Personally I think gradually having open discussions about sex helps, starting first with offers from your part and then with gentle demands :) Just because they don't do it in the movies doesn't mean that talking and laughing while having sex is a no-do either. It isn't a show, it's just a way to make your very special someone happy.

His lack of initiating, ED, and wanting 45 minutes of foreplay could all be explained by low testosterone. I think porn addiction or depression are also possible culprits. It could be all three or some physical cause we don't know about.

Do you know anything about how his sex life has been in previous relationships?

I'm a little concerned about why you guys got married with this huge unaddressed issue looming. Do you feel very close to him in other ways?

I am under the impression that porn shouldn't be part of the bedroom, either. Mainly because that's the reason she is feeling insecure in the first place....all I know is myself, and that would make it worse for me. Seeing all of the "perfect" women and knowing he would rather see them than me and the only way I could entice him into the room with me was to see them... um, no. Again, that's just me...people are different. I also have the belief that any form of gratification of needs that it met by another venue is no better than physically cheating...and that goes both ways. When men (or women) go to another venue for sexual gratification (regardless of whether physical sex is had--could be porn of any style) it's no better than physically cheating with another person (to me). Same thing with emotional needs...when women (or men) seek emotional gratification from another source it is no better than cheating. Your husband/wife is supposed to be the person that gratifies you both sexually and emotionally. When that isn't the case, that's normally when things fall apart.

the best marriage advice I've ever heard actually came from my husband to my sister and her husband "Just get over yourselves and serve each other!" (but that has to go both ways or one person becomes a door mat).

best advice I can give you is advice that's already been given-- talk to him. Tell him it HURTS you when he goes to the porn instead of you. Tell him you WANT your marriage to last and that sex (between the 2 of you) is a vital part in that happening.

again, my own opinions and things that work for me.

bless your heart-- hang in there, sweetie!!

It sounds like ED to me. Maybe he feels embrassed about it so he is avoiding intimacy with you and going for the porn so there is no feeling of embrassment. It could be a whole host of things. I think your weight is hardly the issue here. If a man really wants sex they will have it with the nearest woman(which is the wife or girlfriend). And he is saying he needs foreplay is an excuse for his sex issues. Men do not need foreplay like women do. Foreplay us actually a more important thing for female arousal than it is for men.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Or even bring a sex therapist into the situation if needed.

IMHO, and I know it's probably more complicated than you were able to encompass in your post, I think it's super crappy of him to blame you for the sex situation. It takes two, and it sounds like you are trying to offer solutions and he is unwilling to explore them. I think you need to go to counseling to start communicating with each other and figure out what's going on. I agree with some of the other posters, why did you marry this guy with this huge unresolved issue? I have tried to tell myself in previous relationships that sex wasn't that important and that I could get over an unsatisfying sex life, but after a failed marriage that ended in part because I couldn't stand the thought of being so sexually unfulfilled for the rest of my life, I decided that that just wasn't true. I really hope that you can get this resolved. A rewarding sex life is something we all deserve.

Also, 45 minutes just to get heated up enough to perform is ridiculous. Especially if you're doing a bunch of grunt work that whole time. Sometimes protracted foreplay can be fun, but to be perfectly blunt, if I had to do that every time, I would (a) feel like I never had enough time to have sex and (b) probably lose interest at some point before the main event. If he is not able to maintain an erection, there are *ahem* other ways he can be involved with you. I have heard that one of the exercises they give to couples who are dealing with issues such as these is to not have intercourse for a week, but to spend several nights touching and kissing and whatever-ing, knowing that intercourse will not come of it to relieve some of the pressure. Maybe it's worth a shot. But like other posters have said, I do think that there is a desensitization issue probably going on, in addition to the difficulties some men have with repeat performances.