There was actually some dating research that found that while we think guys make the first move, men actually almost never make a move unless the woman has shown interest (made eye contact and smiled) first. And in fact, women are more likely to reject the advances of a man who initiates contact without waiting for her to make eye contact first (it often comes off as "creepy").

That seems consistent with my experience. I've dated some really nice men, but I did usually make the first move, and most of them weren't classic "hunks." Maybe because I subconsciously didn't go after super confident, well-off, good looking guys because I assumed I'd be rejected, but I also seemed to have a better "jerk-detector" than my thinner friends.

I never dated a guy just because I thought he was good looking. In fact, I tended to be most attracted to the guys that don't traditionally "get the girl." The shy, slightly awkard, but very intelligent, nerdy guys. The guys that treat a woman like gold, because they're sort-of amazed that any woman would be interested in them.

My husband is the first guy that broke that pattern, and I "found" him through a personal ad I placed. He's the first overweight guy I dated, and ironically also the most "popular" with other women. Even though he's a big guy in every sense of the word (he's 6'2" and weighed about 400 lbs when I met him). He's extremely charismatic, and I've never had to "fight off" other women nearly as much in previous relationships. Which is kind of funny, because I wasn't really sure I was really attracted to him when we started dating, because he was so unlike other guys I dated. He was a nerd, but he was an "alpha nerd," and when I saw pictures of some of the women he'd dated in the past, I was surprised. He'd dated women of virtually every physical type, including very attractive women, and one super-hot blonde (I felt threatened, I admit, until hubby commented that cryptically that "crazy isn't sexy.")

I've had thin, pretty friends and relatives who dated far less than I did, mostly (in my opinion) because they were so shy that they never made eye contact with a guy, or would freeze up whenever a guy did talk to them (I don't think most guys find the deer-in-headlights look very attractive).

I also think that it's easy to overlook the signs of attraction when you don't feel attractive. I had to explain to my shy (but thin and pretty) sister that a guy was hitting on her, because she didn't understand why this guy at work was always coming to her desk to ask really stupid questions (and the questions she relayed to me, were so stupid that he only could have been coming over to hit on her).

Even I've fallen into that trap. Only realizing in hindsight that a guy was, or at least might have been trying to flirt with me, but I didn't get it, so I brushed him off without realizing it.

And I think alot of women are expert at the subtle, ambiguous flirting. Flirting with "plausible deniability" so that we can deny that we were flirting, if they guy is not interested (you thought I was really interested? Wow, what an ego you have). We don't ask a guy out, because he might say no, or might laugh. So we flirt, but flirt with everybody - even folks who we obviously so aren't into, so that we can deny that it's flirting at all.

And I think that is "too subtle" for a lot of guys, especially the guys who might be more open-minded about whom they date. And for girls that aren't openly flirting at all - those girls are never on those guys' radar at all.

Even knowing that most guys won't ask a girl out unless she's flirted a bit with him, it's still hard to "put yourself out there," if you assume you're going to be rejected. That's why I really liked the personal ad dating. I got to ask for what I wanted, and I got to do the choosing. I was completely in control, and the guys who responded to my ad had already seen me, read my weight and height stats and I got to know them on the phone before ever meeting in person. I had the advantage every step of the way.

My BF is I guess technically overweight according to BMI, but I think he looks normal weight (he's 6' flat and around 190 lb) and we all know how accurate BMI is, lol.

We met on a dating website. I was a couple pounds lighter than I am now, but nothing significantly different. He told me the first time we met in person his first thought was "oh my god, I can't believe she's so beautiful." Needless to say, he's a sweetie! He supports me in whatever I want to do to change my body, and wants me to conquer my food issues for health/wellness reasons (I have a pretty messed up relationship with food), but doesn't really care about my weight.

Based on personal experience, I find "quality" men in places where I enjoy doing what I am doing. Remember, if you go to a bar looking for a man, you will most likely find a man who trolls the bar looking for a woman.

I had met my ex online when I was in highschool. My ex didn't think college was important or necessary while I was struggling through engineering school.. However he did want to quit his dead-end job and stay at home after I finished school and got a 6-figure pay. That should have been my first clue that the relationship was not going to work. On the other hand, I met my husband in college. We both had a lot in common and had similar values and goals which helped build a stronger foundation than what I had with my ex.

Find something you enjoy doing like volunteering or personal enrichment classes like music, dance, cooking, or even learning a new language. You are more likely to find someone who has the same values that you do. And also, men are more attracted to women who are confident, happy and at peace with themselves and those around them.

I've got a story to tell ya!

I'm married/he's married - so nothing will EVER come of this. But this is the story of a "decades long crush" -

I'm 48 years old; he's 37. Even when I was 192 lb, this friend of mine has always WANTED ME. From the time we met (I was 126 lb and 25 years old then ...and he was 14!) - he has ALWAYS wanted me - I have always been his "#1 crush. Always. We've always been friends (his mother is my BEST friend) and of course the difference in age and later consequential marriages, etc. meant no hooking up. So we've always been just friends.

BUT - last summer, in a silly-type conversation, I asked him "Why? What is it about me that you find so beguiling?" and he responded with "I just have always been attracted to you. You're MY type. You know? We like what we like." I said - "even now? That I'm nearly 25 years older & about 60 lb overweight? REALLY? I mean ... you still maintain your secret little crush??" And he smiled, nodded, & said - "you'll always be that 25-year-old-sexy-woman to me."

That still makes me smile knowing that he thinks I'm absolutely hot-hot-hot, regardless of my weight.

So you see? Everybody has an attractiveness that reaches out. While I'm certain that some people DO put a heavy emphasis on certain weight types, etc. - there's always "somebody for everybody." Because as he said "we like what we like." That's just human beings, being human. :D SO - what I'm getting at here is that THERE IS somebody for everybody. Just keep your eyes & options open - because OMG, you never know when you're gonna meet somebody that will be a major somebody in your life.

I have also always been heavy and never had a problem attracting a date or two...Actually, Kaplods, our experience sounds pretty similar. My husband now is one of the heaviest guys I've dated but was also really popular with the ladies!

I have dated guys who were skinny, average, and heavy, but honestly, I think I'm more attracted to the ones who have some meat on their bones and aren't too muscular. Maybe because I'm not!

I think it's all about attitude. I was at a conference a couple weeks ago without my hubby, and was being pretty relentlessly hit on by an older man there. It was borderline inappropriate, so much so that I told another guy in my group that it was making me uncomfortable and to have him try to intervene if he noticed it happening again. The guy I told this to was a former military guy, very fit, kinda preppie (not my type at all) and he said, "You know, I'm not defending what he's doing, that's totally creepy, but I will say that you have this air of confidence about you that makes men think you would be really fun to be with." I just laughed it off, but I'd like to think it's true (well, sort of. I am happily married, so it's not like I feel the need to be desired by strange men). That said, one of my friends is currently dating and is very big. She is really only interested in very fit guys, and she is having a problem meeting them. I think there are a few reasons for this other than *just* her size. The kind of men she's interested in are spending a lot of time doing physical activities, and I would assume a lot of them are looking for partners who share their interests (as we all are!). She isn't interested in going rock climbing or spending time at the gym, she really likes to laze around all weekend watching movies (which is understandable, too!). I just think there's something of a disconnect there, though.

I met my husband on an internet dating site. I went on quite a few really good dates that way. I think the biggest factor in making sure the dates are good, if you're interested is:

1. Be HONEST. Yes, you are bigger than the "average" woman. Don't be afraid to put that in your post. But also don't be negative about it. There are internet code words for "big girl" other than BBW. Like "curvy" or "Reubenesque." Also, when you send pictures, they should be flattering but not deceptive. There is a fine line. Also, be particular about what you're looking for in your post. If you want someone who wants kids one day, say that. If you want guys who are taller than you, say that. Don't worry about hurting people's feelings or looking snobby- the people you offend are the ones who aren't your type anyway.

2. Spend some time shooting a couple of emails back and forth before you agree to meet. Get to know them. I think this is one of the MAJOR benefits to internet dating. You can find out about this person before you make the commitment to going out with them. Keep it light-hearted, but make sure you find out about "deal breakers." One of mine was that I wanted someone who was reasonably literate. That didn't mean that he had to be a genius (or even have gone to college), but I did want someone who could thread together a decent written sentence. I also wanted someone with a good sense of humor and who was looking for a serious relationship eventually. One of the things I used to do was tell them that I would tell them ten things about me, and they should respond in kind. It can be any ten things, usually a mix of serious and silly, but always true. Like your favorite cereal, your favorite author, that kind of thing. Just seeing what 10 things someone else will pick says a lot! Also, make sure you send them MORE than one picture of you and they send you more than one picture of them.

3. Always, always, always, always drive yourself to your first meeting and make it someplace public, preferably during the day. Coffee is a good idea. Dinner at his place is a terrible and dangerous idea.

4. Be willing to go on a coffee date with just about anyone who doesn't rub your creepy bone the wrong way, even if you don't really think he's your type. Don't waste time on guys you really know are not for you, but don't limit yourself to hazel-eyed Fabios, either. If you get there and realize he's just not your cup of tea, you never have to see him again, and at worst, it's a funny story later about what a bad date you had. But you might discover something about what you're looking for and realize that it's not what you think.

5. Have fun and BE fun. Think about a few conversation topics before you go, some amusing anecdotes about your work or some interesting trivia about stuff you like. Think of some questions you want to ask him so if there's a pause in the conversation you can overcome it. Also, I think Kaplod's advice of not being too shy when it comes to flirting is good. By this point, you both KNOW you're on a DATE with each other, letting the other person know you're interested during the date is a good thing and exudes confidence. If he doesn't return the flirtation, at least you know where you stand, and don't take it personally. There are a LOT of reasons why someone might not be interested in you other than just your weight. Maybe he's coming off of a weird breakup and he's still thinking about his ex. Maybe you look just like his mom and he just realized it. Maybe he's not ready to be dating yet. In any case, dating is a game we play to find out who we want to be with, if you go on the date with the idea of having fun in mind, and not worrying about whether anything will come of it later, you will have a better time and not come off as too serious and psycho.

6. After the date, shoot him an email and tell him you really had a great time. If you're too intimidated to suggest another meeting, but you say you enjoyed getting to know him and you really had fun, you've opened the door. Men are just as insecure as women and they like to be reaffirmed. If you don't hear back from him, just assume something you don't know about happened and move on.

I think you're wrong about men being interested in you. Men will be interested in women, period, the real question is are you really ready to date?

I agree with the others that have said you need to take time to find yourself again after such a long relationship. You shouldn't jump right back into the dating pool and hook up again. Take the time to learn what you DO like in a guy, so you can find that guy.

I've never dated (or even met) a guy who only liked "larger" women. The men that I have dated have dated all kinds of women. The man that I'm with now is the heaviest of the men that I've dated, but it wasn't because his weight was a requirement for me. I just like who he is, his weight is irrelevant.

I agree too that it's all about your attitude and your personality. I think the best advice is to not really LOOK for soulmate, but rather, if you're going to start online dating (for example), do it for fun. Do it to practice dating. Do it safely, of course.

But the best place to meet people, I think, is doing the things you love. Find what you love and then see where that takes you. After all, if you meet someone rock climbing, chances are, you'll have THAT in common.

I haven't found judgmental men either. I don't know why not. Maybe I instinctively know they are jerks and steer clear of them? But not all guys are jerks and we need to have our minds open to meeting them too instead of painting all men with a broad brush.

I don't have much experience dating men (on and off for a few years in my late teens, basically). But both men I've dated have been downright thin. My first bf used my weight as a means of controlling me ("who else would want you?") but the second seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was quite literally twice his size (we were good friends first, which maybe had something to do with it? who knows).

I think you should give online dating a shot, when you're ready, and I like the idea of using it as "practice." I did the online dating thing for awhile and it wasn't so bad- even with terrible dates, you at least have a great story (just be safe about meeting, yada yada). Also, you don't have to stick to strictly dating websites. What are you interested in? You might meet someone interesting in a forum or an online community of interest. I met my partner on a diary website. I'd started a completely anonymous diary to analyze my rocky relationship with my ex; we talked for well over a year as friends and met, did the LDR thing, and the rest is history.

I'm going to chime in for online dating too... once you feel up to it :)

It opened a whole new world for me, and I found someone really fantastic. I still secretly can't quite believe he doesn't mind me being fat because I have lingering issues with it, but it's quite the amazing effect on the mind to have someone REALLY accept you when previous partners did not :D

In my experience, I have found that people tend to attract and be attracted to those of similar weight. Not always and that's why I said "tend". When I was single, I felt like I got a lot more attention (from people in general) when I was thin. When I was heavy, I felt a lot less attention, especially from males. That has been my own personal experience.


Fortunately, I have a wonderful DH who finds me attractive no matter how much I weigh. He has seen me at my highest and at my lowest. I'm so lucky to have someone that simply loves me for me.

There are always going to be those shallow guys that only care about dating skinny girls. But why would you even waste your time? There are plenty of guys out there who enjoy a little more to love. I would know. I met quite a few in college. And they were all different builds. One was a very nicely built hockey player. And honestly a great guy.

My boyfriend now is the same. He's supportive of whatever weight I want to be (unless it's underweight like 95 lbs). You'll find someone. You just have to be patient and, like everyone else has said, find that love and confidence in yourself. That's the most important thing.

As for finding them I met most of the guys I dated either through mutual friends or work or school. Mainly mutual friends. Expanding your experiences helps, too. Go do an activity you wouldn't normally do. You'd be surprised at who you meet!

Oh yes! I met my husband near my highest weight and he is tall and normal to slightly chubby (he had a small belly, not completely lean, but nobody would point to him and call him overweight back then) though he has since slimmed up from my changing the way I cooked ;)

My appearance wasn't a big issue - I didn't somehow stop being pretty, smart, funny, or ideologically suited to him just because my cup flowers over and my hips were on the wide side! Any man who couldn't see past weight and that was the deciding factor in their courting me or not wasn't one I wanted to marry, anyway.

As to where I found him - a movie night at a restaurant, of all places.

my answer is basically never. i guess it's just me. my cousin has tons of men approaching and she weighs more than me. so do my friends. it's probably my personality. but maybe i'm making myself feel better lol

I don't think it's fair to single out healthy men to overweight men to obese men - aren't we all just people after all? All types of men are attracted to me/flirt with me, even when I was at my biggest. My boyfriend is healthy, he loves me for my personality and doesn't care about my weight (and having still found me attractive at 200 lbs I believe him). So yes, there are most definitely people out there who don't care about weight! Who would you rather be with, someone who is super in shape but has nothing in common with you, doesn't make you laugh or feel secure OR someone who is of any size who has an amazing personality, is pretty much one of your closest friends and makes you feel loved? I'm not trying to say all healthy people are shallow, but the point is it's all about personality and CONFIDENCE. Confidence SHINES, I know some girls who are quite big and they get loads of men because they are sooo stupidly confident.

THIS. Don't sweat about it all. I firmly believe that the universe will know when you're really ready and that's when it will send love your way :-)